We are all born gemstones, but fatally fractured, our skin bleeding rubies, brokenness and beauty and tension. And I have heard it said that it is our decision, whether we see these cracks as channels for rivers of light to run through, or wounds to be bound and healed. Well, if I tear off these bandages and stretch these arms wide enough, will it prove to you that these gashes cut all the way through, and that I’m willing to bleed my life and all its secrets out for you?
Ever since I was thirteen, thirteen, when that gold rush of blood chose my attractions for me, I’ve been hiding, because I’ve been afraid. I used to tell myself it was a phase, and then it never ended, and so I told myself to never tell. And these days I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m walking a tightrope, breathless, over glittering hell. I tried my best to keep a straight face, but I wanted nothing more than to kiss the lips that cursed me, have those strong hands around my waist, holding me close.
And I took upon myself the burden of convincing everybody else that there was nothing wrong. The rest of the world was singing something, something bold, and I tried to sing along, but I didn’t know the words. And every name I was called, every kick when I was down was another blooming stain on a white wedding gown. I made a promise that I would be buried in the ground before anyone knew, that this closet would become a mausoleum, but grace. broke. through.
After I had been trying to find my own voice, God drew close to me, singing the most beautiful melody. And I realized that my highest purpose was to harmonize, to run headfirst after truth, finally free from these chains, these lies. He looked me in the eyes, he kissed my forehead, took my hand in his own and whispered, “You are mine.”
A fellow poet once told me, “Tell your own story, or someone else will tell it for you.” I’m sick of having my story broken into, broken in two because half my audience thinks that it’s only half true. It’s been so long since I’ve been honest with you! And so now I’m coming out with everything, my sexuality and the spirit that is my seal, because both have inhabited this treasured chest of mine. I have been washed and I am waiting hand in hand with the Divine, and I believe that these wounds will be healed in time.