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Kathy Dehaven Jan 2015
&
Violet eyes
&
Ripped thighs,
Broken truths
&
Butchered Lies
Kathy Dehaven Apr 2016
22 Credits.
Is all I need.
22 Credits.
And I can be free.
22 Credits.
I just need this small deed.
22 Credits.
And I can finally... be me.
Kathy Dehaven Apr 2016
Thinking.
Driving.
Arriving.
Starting.
Shooting.
Welcome to our little judgement day.
47.
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
47.
Pretty positive that in all of my lives this is how it will be.
I'll just be the Slutty Stripper that has an Alcohol and ******* problem.

It doesn't matter and I know I need to focus on myself right now but it's kind of hard when all of these love songs and heartbreak songs come on the radio and I see happy couples married, engaged, or just dating around and knowing in the back and front of my mind that all I have going for me is a life of Alcohol, *******, Prison, and Jail.

But that's okay.
Because I'd rather suffer this thing I call my life alone than drag someone through it that isn't skilled enough for the journey.
Kathy Dehaven Mar 2016
You're Worthless.
Nothing.
Desperate.
Attention Seeking.
*****.
****.
Dramatic.
Fat.
Stupid.
You can't even spell.
You can't write for ****.
You are nothing.
Your a fake.
Oh, whatever.
Yeah, okay.
Liar.
You'll never matter.
Nobody will ever love you.
**YOU ARE WORTH NOTHING!
Thanks, guys. Family. Head.
Kathy Dehaven Mar 2015
A Reader lives
A thousand lives
Before he dies.
The man who
Never reads
Lives only one.
Kathy Dehaven Mar 2015
Books don't
Change people;
Paragraphs
Do, sometimes
Even
Sentences.
Kathy Dehaven Mar 2015
Eccedentesiast

                         (.n) Someone who hides pain
                                                behind a smile.
Kathy Dehaven Apr 2016
Do not question my sanity for I have but none.
Do not ask me to hope for I have but none.
Do not ask me to look for better days because there are but none.
Do not ask me to live because I have but very few reasons too.
Do not ask me.

Do tell me to **** myself.
Do tell me all of the things you hate about me.
Do tell me things that you wouldnt.
Do tell me.
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
Its Not The Way The Knife Goes That Matters,
Its The Way The Blood Squirts That Does.
Kathy Dehaven Feb 2016
I think its funny
I think its sad
That the dreams in which i'm dying
Are the best i've ever had.
From a very close friend.
Kathy Dehaven Apr 2016
WE SHOULD BE PRAISED.
WORSHIPPED.
******* HONOURED!

And all you do on this wonderous day is fill it with the smoke of ****
Instead of shotgun shells and carbine bullets.
Kathy Dehaven Feb 2016
Make me believe, in this future.
                                In this life.
                                In Love.
                                That maybe i'll be happy.


Because I finally found that one person, that makes me okay. Calm. Collected. Yet at the same time spiraling out of control. I wish I was there.
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
Do you even care?

Do you even know?

I hope that you've fallen in Love with this girl, I hope that you're happy together and that you picture you both going somewhere together.

I hope she leaves you without explanation, I hope that she comes back a month from now and then leaves again.

Tears your ******* heart out. But leaves you waiting and wanting and needing...

Every. Single. Time.
I.
Kathy Dehaven Apr 2016
I.
I am a drunken mistake.
I am a drunken in the moment mistake.
I am worth nothing but the fact that my mother gets more tax money than with one child.
I am nothing because my lungs dont work. I CANT EVEN ******* BREATH PROPERLY! Do you know how ******* suckish that is?
I am worth nothing because He, She, They told me so. I CANT EVEN LOOK IN THE ******* MIRROR WITHOUT SEEING THAT SCARED 8 YEAR OLD.
I am worth nothing because I have nothing to offer.
Im not pretty. Inside or Out.
Im not skinny. In Any Way.
Im not a ******. Because I was Stupid.
Im scarred. Because Im Weak.
I want to ******* throw away my life. Im going to anyway. Why not start early?
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
He's too old.
He's over me.
He's going off to college.
He ignores me.
He doesn't feel the same.
It's not beautiful falling in Love easily.
It hurts worse than a knife in your heart.
Kathy Dehaven Feb 2016
I don't want to think.
It's too much.

I don't want to talk.
It's too much.

I don't want to breathe.
It's too much.

I don't want to walk.
It's too much.

I don't want to write.
It's too much.

I don't want to read.
It's too much.



I don't want to be here.
It's too much.
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
I understand. Not because you want me to but because in my own way ive been in your place. I know that whatever happens youll be there.
Kathy Dehaven Feb 2015
Depression- Deb
Suicidal- Sue
Anorexia- Ana
Bulimia- Mia
Self- Harm- Cat
Schizophrenia- Sophie
Bipolar-Bri
ADD/ ADHD- Addie
Ednos- Ellie
OCD- Olive
Borderline- Bella
Paranoia- Perry
Insomnia- Izzy
Maybe, Just maybe our worst nightmares are real.
KC
Kathy Dehaven Feb 2016
KC
A very close friend told me that I was lost.
It meant a lot, because I am.
I'm lost and I don't think i'll ever find my way.
And that's okay.
Angel, Sierra.
Kathy Dehaven Feb 2016
Stay Low, Move Fast.
**** First, Die Last.
One Shot, One ****.
No Luck, Pure Skill.
Kathy Dehaven Jun 2016
Real Eyes,
                 Realize,
                              
Real Lies*.
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
Maybe somethings wrong.
I do not believe someone is supposed to think the thoughts that I do.
Blood squirting across the room making a masterpiece of Crimson.
The sound of flesh tearing and bones breaking.
The horrific squeals of creatures as I peel the skin back inch by tethered inch.
Maybes somethings wrong.
Maybe a wires loose.
Maybe it'll be 3 years.
Me.
Kathy Dehaven Mar 2016
Me.
Many people ask me why I don't want to get into a relationship, or why I don't have a boyfriend. This is why.
I have Depression.
I'm Suicidal.
I'm Bipolar.
I have OCD.
I have PTSD.
I'm abusive as a way to get back at the people who abused me.
I don't accept myself, the way I should.
I am ****** up beyond repair and belief.
I cut.
I dump all of my  problems onto people and expect them to treat me the way I want to be.
I am judgmental.
I can not take no for an answer, but when I do I get pissy.
I don't like being insulted, but I love insulting people.
I hate attitude, but I will give it in a heartbeat.
I expect to much out of people that I know are only temporary.
I share my opinions WAY to much.
And you know, guys can't handle it.
These are only a few things as to why I am single. And also because of the fact that I just got out of a relationship. Not recently, i'm just still trying to get over it.
No.
Kathy Dehaven Feb 2016
No.
I hope it doesn't effect you that I can't control myself.
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
You know love?
Its ******* *******. Absolute utter ******* ******* that the world feeds you to think that maybe, just maybe someone out there will actually be mine. But no of course not, di not believe in love it ***** you everytime and walks away.
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
Love..
Such a ******* word filled
with lies and broken
promises..
This is a word for people
who believe in happy
endings, this will never truly
come to those who don't.
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
He's back... and he makes
me smile like he's known me
forever.
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
The sole fact that you have
to tell me that there's nothing
wrong with me, is a big hint
that there is.
And I see it now, I didn't
when you said it but, GOD,
do I do now...
Kathy Dehaven Feb 2016
Everybody says the worst haunted houses are the ones with creaky floorboards and broken windows
But I think the worst haunted houses are the ones with the charming smile and brown eyes.
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
It hurts.
To look at you and you completely look passed.
It hurts.
Because I don't what else to do but want you.
It feels like I need you, and I do.


And **** is it Hell.
Kathy Dehaven Mar 2016
I can't help                                                     I don't undeRstand
                                                    ­                                 Why It's me
                                                                ­      Who gets' stuCk
                                                         ­                           With Him.

                                                                ­                     But here I
                                                                ­                              Am. With one
                                                                ­                     Of the best
                                                            ­                          KilleRs in History.
                                                        ­                                 To Date.
But blame myself
For what happeneD.

Even though i'm
Not that person
                          AnYmore.

I don't care
If what happened,
Happened over 16
Years ago.

I may not
                 PhysicaLly be that
Person anymore but
                         I cAn't help
        But be him iNside.
Kathy Dehaven Mar 2016
I was A                                                              ­                I was thE
                                                           ­                                   Second woman
                                                           ­                                  Into this Vaulted
                                                       ­                                       Dome of what
                                                            ­                                  We call Earth.
Goddess raining
From above.

I had The
Power of a
       THousand men

               I was known for my
   purEness
      ANd for my latching onto
      wAr.
Kathy Dehaven Mar 2016
I was the                                                        I waS the
                                                            Child of thE
                                                           ­     Most weLl known
                                                           ­            ActrEss of all
                                                             ­                 Nobody would predict
                                                         ­                 ThAt a child
                                                                ­       Would die so
                                                                        Young.
Girl with a
RocKstar boyfriend.

  I hAd the look.
     aTtitude.
       Really I had
It all. Until one
daY I lost every-
thiNg.
Kathy Dehaven Mar 2016
I'm  not ready                                                            I have no
                                                                                     No clue of
                                                                                     My name
                                                                                    
                                                                                     I all I  
                                                                                    Know is that  
                                                                                     I was the
                                                                                    Best FRIEND.
To learn what
I already Know.

ThAt I was
More or less
A biTch.

I hurt hEr
But oh well
She huRt him

It could've been
Resolved but she
Decided she waNted
To be free.

I just made
Him hAppy.
Kathy Dehaven Jun 2016
Happy girl, that doesnt care shes gotten better she has the gleam back in her eye.


Sad girl, that hides it all shes gotten worse she has death in her eye.
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
I did not know him in my past, personally.
But to have the honour to ****** with you, Jeff.
That thought is just...

Murderous.
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
The Noble War is the one that I face.
The Noble War will leave blood in the streets.
The Noble War,
Is coming.

Be ready.
Kathy Dehaven Mar 2016
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.

Okay...
Every single time.
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
I am not scared for the things waiting for me.
I know I will feel the rush of blood over my hands and hear the screams of terror once more.
I am a Killer.
And one day.
I will **** your *** with vigor.
Kathy Dehaven Apr 2016
This is the revolution made of our blood
All yall ******* rolling in mud.
Lighting up instead of sparking up.
Maybe instead we can mark it up.
Start running cause we started spraying
Are you still praying?
Young Eric Harris
And the God of Sadness
Coming back to finish what we started.
Kathy Dehaven Mar 2016
******* used to clown me but now they surround me, my mom tries to ground me i might just slap her or even cap her. dont she know im a rapper
Kathy Dehaven Apr 2016
Gone. Their all finally gone.
I've thought and twisted with every turning doubt, how can I die if others care?
And now... their gone.
Only 8 more days till I can see the Devil himself.
Kathy Dehaven Aug 2016
I dont know what im doing wrong anymore. Im sorry.
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
Quiet minds are always the Killers.

Maybe next month or next year I will feel the calmness rush through me as I feel the last beat of your heart and the Deadness fill your eyes.
Kathy Dehaven Jun 2016
Im sorry Angel for being a **** friend.
Im sorry mom and jen for being a **** daughter.
Im sorry Daniel and Zach and Robert for being a **** girlfriend.
Im sorry world for being a **** person.
Im sorry Angel for being a sluttly friend.
Im sorry mom and jen for you not being proud of me.
Im sorry Daniel and Zach and Robert for being such a *****.
Im sorry.
I really ******* am.
Im just kind of done.
I give up.
I GIVE UP.
You ******* win...
You
*******
Win...
Kathy Dehaven May 2016
It isnt much and I have no idea what youre going through and I wish I did so I could possibly do something because youre my best friend and I hate seeing you like this and it kills me knowing that I cant stop it or take it away, but one day well get there. You have to believe me and I know youre going through depths of Hell even I havent explored and you dont see much hope or at all. But one day, babe. We will get there one day. And  if you have to move to Mississippi just to stay on this earth, that okay because yes I will miss you. Yes it will feel like I am missing a very large part of me and I will be, but in time it will be okay because I will see you again. I promise to you Angel, that one day we will get there wherever it may be. We will make it and we will thrive, I swear to you.
Kathy Dehaven Apr 2016
I know it's hard right now, love but take care of yourself
We just have to make it out of this living Hell.
If you hold on, ill hold on too
We can do this together
Trust me, I do.
I know its tempting to take a walk to the Gates
Of the Spirits, but With you alive and well
We can feel Mississippi again.
Just hold on, hold on the Girl with the Blue Bandana.
Kathy Dehaven Apr 2016
I CANT ******* DO IT ANY ******* MORE!!!!!!!!
There are to many memories.
There are ******* reminders every ******* where.
I just
goddamnn IT ******* ALL OF IT TO ******* HELL.
i AM A WORTHLESS PIECE OF ******* **** THAT EVEN THE ******* ******* DEVIL WOULDNT DANCE WITH.
SO DO NOT SIT THERE AND ******* TELL ME I AM WORTH EVERYTHING AND THE ******* MOON.
DO NOT COMPARE THE ******* VALUE OF THE MOON TO A DISGUSTING ******* ***** LIKE ME.
** I AM WORTH ******* NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kathy Dehaven Apr 2016
Work.
Work.
Work.
Test.
Test.
Test.
Notes.
Notes.
Notes.




This ******* school makes me want to shoot myself.
Can NOT wait till our little judgment day.
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