She counted the ringing bells.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.
They echoed through the empty church.

She walked down the isle, a knot in her stomach.
Her father smiled at her from where he sat.
He's proud of her recently.
If only he knew.

She sat down and the minister said a prayer.
She went through the motions.
In the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit.

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
It's been almost 10 years since I believed in God.

Ribbons in you hair.
Diamonds in your ears.

Magazine clippings line the floor.
Pictures clutter the desk.
Friends, lovers, family.

You feel like a faked ******, unwanted.
Clinging to what you know is right
and bordering what you know is wrong.

Playing Russian roulette with fate.
Rolling the dice and raising the stakes.
Neither will save you now.

But don't forget to smile and
Bat your lashes.
For when we leave you to rest in peace.

The door closes at three am.
Smelling of beer (not mine)
and cigarettes (I only had one).

The past week I don't report to anyone.
I don't have to tell where I am, who I've been with,
what I've been doing.

There is no satisfaction in that.
I want someone to care.
(Just like he said he did.)

I ripped you to shreds
and hid you in my drawer
(but you were real tonight.)

I miss the taste of cigarettes
with idle chatter
ending in a snowball fight
with smiling faces
(and dripping noses.)

The beer on your breath gave you away.
Your head nuzzling against my head,
(in all the right spots).
And you asked me what your Christmas present was,
and I let you unwrap me,
(Twice).

Later I told you it was also your New Years present.
You smirked and said it was only fair.
You don't even want a girl in your life.
I'm ready to move in with my (non-existent) boyfriend,
(but obviously only in my dreams).

Those baby blues swept across my face.
(You thought I wasn't looking)
I wonder what you're thinking or what you see when you look at me.

Almost 20. Going no where.
Moving around from place to place.
Can't stop, can't stop, can't stop.
Am I really what you want?
Because you are exactly what I need.
(A breath of fresh air)

I looked at him, and told him exactly what was on my mind.
(But before I did I told him I was scared to tell him)
"I love you." And there was a pause (as if I would say more)
and he just silenced whatever it was I was going to say
by slipping me a gentle kiss and replying,
"I absolutely love you."