I might be pregnant
The test is in my purse
I'm not scared
Just sorry for the baby that might be
Sorry for being stupid
Sorry for trusting that I would not be the 0.01% that gets pregnant on the pill
Sorry that I have to lie to him
He will not be a father
He is not ready
He will want me to get rid of the unexpected life

If you're there baby
I'll have you
I'll give you the best chance I can
I'll protect you no matter what
I've planned for this
I've planned for an unexpected life
I will find you a family
A family that wants a new life more than anything
I'll visit you all the time
I'll love you more than I can explain
I'll do the best I can for you baby

Just know baby that no matter what
You were always loved
You were always cared for
You were always wanted
You could be my unexpected gift
Baby
If you're there
I love you

Rippling up with a chill and a distorted craving for warmth. The sigh escapes and swims for the atmosphere before it dies in our sea of forgetfulness.

Flickering to the right, slanting downward is a cry that begs for return or release, a desperate yearning for home. A home that torched itself with its poisonous tongue far too long ago. The cry sifts through the ashes and charred bits of hope finding nothing but loss.

I like being a tangled mess of arms and legs
All wrapped up
Interlocking pieces
Comfortable and close
I know you want more than I can give
I know you want my trust
Do you know that I'm a liar
Do you know that there are times that I will hate every time you touch me
Do you know that I will want to be alone
Do you know that I will resent you
Don't push what this is
Don't push for more than I can give
Just lay with me when I'm close
And let me be when I'm far
I don't love you
I don't want to
I don't need to
Don't expect me to change

I have the power
I hold the key
The scales are tipped in my favour
Just like I knew they would be
I like that your heart beats in my hand
I like that I could hurt you on a whim
It's twisted
But I've always been this wicked
I can be the air that keeps you alive
I can be the poison that breaks you down
You'll know when I decide

Drinking and inhaling
Looking for a wild distraction
Finding nothing but that hollow room
It’s cold and brutal
With no doors
No windows
A dim light hangs above
Swinging slightly
In time with the pulsing
The pulsing of above and bellow
I pulse too
In this dim light
This shaking oblivion that resides within
I will burn this place
I will burn this ruin to the ground  
And I will burn with it
Inhaling the flames of my prison
Inhaling the flames deep into my lungs
I will not exist in misery
I will burn
Burn with the fire of life
And as I am reduced to embers and ashes
I will scream
**“I am here!”
“I am here and I am alive!”

My grandfather was there
We were sat down at the kitchen table
He was telling my about my hands
Said that I had writers hands
Artists hands
Painters hands
Hands like Anne 
My grandfather was drinking 
He was always drinking
Anne was pacing around 
Angry at him
Angry at him for being drunk
Again
Angry at him for being an alcoholic 

My brother and grandfather in my room
We listen to music
My brother asks my grandfather why he's not with Anne anymore 
I don't remember the reply
I remember him saying that he still loved Anne 

The door bell rings 
Its late 
I'm supposed to be asleep 
Grandfather at the door
Im watching from the stairs 
He's talking to my father
Says he needs money quick
Asks for three hundred 
My father gives it to him no questions 
My grandfather leaves 

It's Christmas 
Grandfather shows up to everyone's surprise 
He's there with no presents 
I was just glad he was there
He told me he had a necklace for me
He just had to pick it up from a friend 
I knew better though
He fell asleep on the couch 
Im glad he was there 

Its bobbys funeral
My grandfather is there
He's unhappy 
He's tired 
I don't remember much of him that day

Im at the swimming pool with my friends 
Waiting for my dad to pick us up
My grandfather is there
I haven't seen him in a while
He's so skinny
I know he's still using
He doesnt recognize me

Family dinner 
Dinner is served late
As always 
Grandfather is there 
He's showing my friend some dance steps he learned
Mentions his new lady friend 
He seems happy

My family moves half way across the country 
Leaving Edmonton behind
The next time I hear news about my grandfather its from my father
He saw my grandfather at my great grandmothers funeral 
He's still using and it shows
He's skinny
He's lost teeth
He's sick 

But I'll always remember the time in the kitchen 
I'll always remember when he told me I had writers hands
Artists hands
Painters hands
Like Anne

Photo shoot
These pictures will be different
Than the ones I've taken of myself
These ones aren't for men who disappear
These ones won't make me feel cheap

These ones won't require me to strip away my pride
These ones I can be proud of

Smooth A Scarlet
Messy hair
Pale skin
Red lips
Tights
Heels

Like slipping into a new skin
I'll be remade
Be given a new name
A different story

Who am I?
Anything you want me to be
Today I am Scarlet
Today I am new