I am so sick of writing about you.

It's difficult to forget you. As much as i want to and as much as i tell myself i hate you, there's no denying i am still crazy in love with you. Im in love with the way your hair curls and the way it feels in between my fingers. Im in love with the feeling of your heartbeat on mine and knowing that this is real, that we are alive, with eachother, for a reason. Im in love with your smile and the way it lifted my heart on some of my roughest days. Im in love with your humor and your kind soul, the way you treat others and talk about the world takes my breath away. It would be foolish to say i "was" in love with you, and all of these things. Because i still am. Every hour, everyday. It hurts more than ever not having you here and i keep trying to remind myself of that bible verse that says "love is patient, love is kind..." because love may have patience but i am running out of it. It is so exhausting waiting here for you. My heart is sore and my eyes often get watery. I am being as patient as i can.

I am lonely tonight.
My mind sits on frayed ropes and wearing wires -
And right to the right -
Sits my heart, sounding of empty choirs.

It's not always quiet.
It used to sing of light and blue and full-
I may be biased -
But it was breathtaking, filled with such soul.

My mind sits on wires.
Which may or may not be there when i wake -
Below there are fires -
My hope may burn, but my soul it wont take.

I may be lonely tonight -
But i am still here.
Right to the right sits my heart -
And i know the music will eventually reach my ears.

We got news today. The kind that makes tears bob in your eyes and your lips quiver on the edge of a scream. But that's all that happened, the tears never fell, the scream never sounded. Something held me together when i desperately wanted to fall apart. I wanted to cry, scream, feel something. Just feel something. Every part of me wanted to be upset and get down but my spirits lifted higher and higher, about 4 inches away from heaven. I felt an embrace and love and reassurance and i felt my worries fall down, never to be seen again. I felt God and now i feel nothing less than peace and happiness.

140 sunsets, 16,128,000 heartbeats, a few nights of crying myself to sleep, and many "i'm over it's" later and the memory of you is still everywhere. It still exists in my great, big, vast imagination and in the most obscure spots of my reality. No matter how much i try to take you out and erase you from every part of me, you stay. You stick. A permanent imprint on my heart, on my body, on my soul. I see you in every sunset, the reds and oranges and pinks remind me of fall, they remind me of september and sundays and the blood dripping from my bottom lip. I remember when we would lay down together, you would sleep and i would hold you. I would twirl my fingers in your hair and look at your chest, rising and falling. I would try to match your breaths, to slow down my heart and match yours. To move together. Sometimes i wonder if the drumming in your chest still matches mine, i really hope it does. On the nights filled with sobs and tears, i would talk to you. Through the dark i whispered to you, a couple miles across the bed. "I miss you. let me come see you, tell me you love me (even if you dont) cause i still love you." It may seem silly, but if you felt your heart jump or your stomach sink on a late night in march, it was my words finally reaching you. And with all of the anger that had built up in me, please don't think any of it was directed at you. Harsh words may have left my lips, but trust me, only feelings of love resided in my chest for you. I was angry at fate, at myself, at every person and thing that wedged it's way between us. I was angry at everything but you, it was just too difficult to explain. You are still here, despite the months that have passed. They say time heals everything, but your memory is here to stay.

I miss you here
I miss you there
I miss those sweet sounds in my ear

And I miss you there
I miss you here
I miss my fingers in your hair

my heart, it aches
And longs
For your your embrace

So I miss you now
I miss you then
I miss the long nights in that bed

Who else have you made bleed?
I found the pleasure in the pain
Although i knew i was never a "need"

I miss you then
I miss you now
Where on earth
Have you ran to
Anyhow?

The smell of rain reminds me of you, along with this little town i call home and porch swings. Wildflowers remind me of you and so does the crackling of a bonfire. The color blue, like the blue you see in the water during sunset, reminds me of you. Coloring books, sweet candles, hot tea, the stars above my bedroom window, it all reminds me of you. I feel ties to you in ways i have no explanation for. I only know i feel this constant pull towards you, a tug on my heart. You remind me of a past life and a past love, someone who i once was. You remind me of all the beautiful, sweet, soft spoken things life has to offer but are so difficult to collect. I once had them all, and that was when i had you.

Nothing calms me like the bare trees in late February
Nothing screams “serenity” like the winding wet concrete
Nothing soothes my soul like the mailboxes flying past my window

The music fills the voids
Gives me a little more to think about
Than what is real

Where is the life I long for?

In my hands
Or down the wire

It is uncertain
It is in pieces

I am simple

Let this wind blow through my hair
Let it separate me from myself

I am happy

I can't help but laugh when i think of you. You had a great sense of humor but i'm no longer laughing with you. I'm laughing at you, and at myself. I laugh because i settled for someone like you, and i laugh because you let me slip through your fingers. I laugh because success is the sweetest revenge and that's exactly what i'll be getting.

People have it all wrong. Books have it all wrong. The expectations are all wrong. Love is not a feeling of these insane highs and happiness beyond belief. What goes up must come down and I don’t think people realize that when they’re 10 feet above the clouds. There are gonna be valleys after your peaks and they feel much less than love. Love is more of a constant thing. Its comfort. It feels like pajamas and hot baths and your mom’s homemade mac and cheese. It’s a security blanket to hide under when the whole world is falling apart behind your eyes. It’s simple and warm and strong and every beautiful word under the sun and maybe even above it. Who knows? All I know is that I’m content with our ant hills of highs and our cracks in the side walk of lows and the smooth lines that walk between. I am comfortable in this constant love.

And i have always been a happy person. You look up synonyms for the word "happy" and you get results like, carefree, and lighthearted, but that is definitely not me. I'm happy, but my heart stays heavy and my head filled with cares. I stay up for so long that when i come down, i come down hard. I come down with weights tied to my feet and the feeling of falling has always terrified me. I come down with these thoughts that i can't seem to shake and they play over and over in my head like a broken record. I become a person that i don't like, one that i dont recognize.  It makes me wonder if that's who i really am, underneath it all. That's what terrifies me the most, and that is why i get back up again.

Love the thing that hurts you. Recognize the thing that hurts you. Respect the thing that hurts you. The hurt can only be changed with compassion. You may look foolish, but you will not hurt any longer. I promise.

Feelings are rather peculiar, don’t you think?

How do these chemicals running through my body cause such real hurt and such pure joy?

Where do feelings take place anyhow?
Some may say in the brain
or in the heart

But when I feel
I feel everywhere

I feel happiness from the top of my head to the tip of my toes

I feel sadness turning in my chest and swelling in my eyes

I feel anger’s burning heat in my head, trying to find its way out my mouth

I feel excitement bouncing off the walls of my stomach

I feel angst rushing down my arms and my legs
making it hard to move

My feelings take place in my bones
they take place in my muscles and in my lungs

Oh do I look forward to the day the happiness is so great it illuminates and warms my whole being
But I also fear that someday the sadness or the anger may be so strong that it will leave me in a pile of dust

My feelings are felt everywhere
so please be careful with me

I can’t make this work by myself
I need something from you too

A little effort maybe
Maybe that would help

How do you expect “us” to be?
If I’m giving everything I have
And you’re giving everything you don’t need

I want this
So badly

Please tell me you want it too

Show me you want this too

Just give me some effort
Or give me my **** back

Another year in your life, another 12 months your heart has been beating. Another 365 days your lungs have been taking in air. I hope you have lived so much that your heart skipped beats, and your lungs lost their breath. I hope you did so much living that your organs couldn't quite keep up with you. I hope your heart swelled with love and that you always reached for the stars. I hope you smiled every chance you got and that you were able to jump out of your comfort zone. I hope you made memories to be remembered for a lifetime and that you touched the lives of others. I hope you do even more living this coming year. I know there are big things waiting for you at 27, and i can't wait to see all the beautiful things god has in store for you. I hope you embrace each and every one of them, and truly live.

Theres a lump in my throat
And i could not tell you why
Everything i seem to do
Is never enough to me

Every word i speak
And every move i make
Is wrong
Through these hazel eyes

So when you ask me
"Whats wrong?"
The only word that comes to mind is
"Me."

It’s a new night

I am alone
As I like to be

Me, myself, and I
All together
For the first time in a long time

It’s nice to catch up
See what we’ve all been up to

Isolating myself for a while
Does not hurt me

It allows me to know myself better

That’s something I’ve gotta do
Or else you’ll never want to

I wonder if you've stumbled across that letter. I wonder if each word made your heart jump and hit your rib cage, if your chest all of a sudden got heavy. I wonder if you let tears leave your eyes before you wipe them away. I wonder if your hands shake and your legs become weak even though you had been sitting all night. I wonder if the moon whispers you things like "she is" or "holding tight" or "blue eyes are blurry." I wonder if you listen to ed anymore. I wonder if you're writing, hoping to see my passion on the paper when you finish. I wonder who's hair you have on your pillow. I wonder how your mom is doing. I wonder if your skin crawls with the memory of my finger tips. I often wonder, because i hope you're wondering too.

About five months ago
I couldn’t imagine life without you

I looked at you as the greatest thing to have happened to me

I looked at you through my young, innocent eyes
And i never would have thought
Even for a second
That you could bring any harm to me

You had me blinded
Totally oblivious to the fact that this love was not at all what it seemed

I have held on for so long
Hoping and wishing
That things would change

I thought that if I just kept trying
Just kept giving my all
That we would be okay
That you would always be by my side
That our love would grow stronger

I thought wrong

You see, in the past few weeks
I have allowed myself to realized some things
I have stopped defending you from my own thoughts
I have let my instincts take over
And they have told me all I need to know

You never loved me as you said you did
You may have loved me
But you never loved the parts of me that mattered

You did nothing but leave bruises
On my confidence
On my trust
On my heart

This love is toxic, causing nothing but damage

It feels so good to say
I don’t want it anymore

I do not need someone who doesn’t need me
I do not need someone who dismisses my feelings
I do not need someone who isn’t completely in love with every single part of my soul
I do not need someone who gives me half of the effort I give them

I do not need you

You are not my happiness as you once were
You are only someone who has taught me a few great lessons

I will never again allow myself to be taken advantage of
I will never again let down my walls for someone without knowing their intentions
I will never again listen to words I know are lies, and continue to stick around

Never again

Sharing my work with anyone besides my mother is a scary thing for me. Especially with someone like you. But you asked, and i protested, and you pleaded, and i read to you. I tried to read to you with a voice as confident and clear as i could but these feelings that i've put on paper are fragile things, they deserve quiet and slow. You deserve quiet and slow, orange and yellow, warmth and touch. You are a piece of work yourself, putting mine to shame. You sit there and you listen with your mouth shut yet you're speaking volumes. You are something beautiful who deserves beautiful words and i can try to give them to you. But nothing i write could ever encompass all that you are. I will still try. I will write, and i will read to you. Quiet and slow, in orange and yellow, with warmth and touch.

You woke up that morning and decided that it just didn't feel the same. My eyes didn't light up like they used to, my smile had lost it's width. My words lacked sincerity and my affection was scarce. But what did you expect? You left with my heart still gripping onto yours, having ripped it right out of my chest. You walked away with broken promises, loose ends, and all of my secrets. Why would you have ever asked me to love you like before? Only someone so naive would think that to be possible. Hurt changes a person, it changed me. I had the choice to sink or swim, and i chose to fly. I did loops around the clouds, i walked on the spikes of the sun. All the while i began to love again, especially myself. You would never get that same amount of love back, because things had changed. I had changed. Of course things didn't feel the same.

I just don't know how to love like that. I know soft love, the kind i have for my friends and my family. I know tough love, the kind i have for myself. I know passionate love, the kind i have for pens and paper and sweating. I know ***** love, the kind i had for those boys in my past. I know adoring love, the kind i have for my god and my precious dog. But clean, healthy, simple love... that is something i'm not familiar with. So please forgive me, although i've played the part, i'm not your love. I don't know how to love you, and i wish you could forget how to love me.

It’s about time I start loving myself

The scars that cover my body, making me look worn
The way my face wrinkles when i'm really smiling
My imperfect, pale skin that turns red from being in the sun too long
The waves and curls in my hair that never seem to cooperate
My tendency to laugh at things that aren’t at all funny
My desire to be different
The caring nature that I was blessed with
The passion that has been planted in my heart for the things I love

All of it

I am going to love every single aspect
Of my heart
Of my mind
And of my body

Because I am beautifully and wonderfully made
And it’s about **** time I start believing it

Treat me like somebody
I'm begging you

Nothing tears me apart
Like the way you treat me
Like I am nothing
To you
Anymore

Notice the hurt in my voice
Notice my shaking hands
Notice my fake smile
That you told me you didn't like as much as my real one
Notice me
Again

Because I cant take being nothing
To you
Anymore

If i would've tried,
Would you've stayed?
That's a wonder of mine,
That keeps wasting my time.

If i would've said it,
Could you comprehend it?
I can't believe i didn't say,
And instead let it eat me away.

If i told you i hated you,
Would you ever believe it?
It's a dangerous affair,
When both feelings are there.

It's something i can't change,
So i will stop the nostalgia.
And instead of feeling it's you that i lack,
I hope and I pray that you never come back.

I'm scared to say your name. I'm scared because it was real. The look my mom gives me when we pass your house is real. The letter i keep in my keep-safe box is real, palpable. The memories captured in pictures are real, although they seem like ghosts all these months later. The trust i had in you was real, more real than anything i'd ever known. What i gave to you was real, every breath exhaled into you, every gaze, every i love you, every thing i've ever written, every tear i've cried, was real. It only hurts when it's real. I hope by avoiding your name, the pictures, the letter, the poems, it will all become a little less real. That it will feel like none of it ever happened, so i can finally go on with my life without this constant aching in my chest and your name on the tip of my tongue.

My eyes have seen too much pain and too much suffering. My ears have heard too many sobs and too many "it will be okay's." My heart has felt too many emotions and my body too many sympathetic hugs. Things are falling apart here. People are falling apart here. The best people I've ever known, forced to live under the scariest circumstances. Sometimes they don't live. Sometimes they're put out of their misery. But their pain isn't gone, only passed on to the people around them. Things are falling apart here. My heart is falling apart here. I hurt for the people that hurt and even more so for the people who have to watch them hurt. I have been in that place. I have been in those hospital rooms, feeling helpless. I have held hands as cold as ice and looked into eyes as distant as the stars. I have that hurt inside of me, hurting for everyone else around me. Things are falling apart here. The only thing you can do is hold yourself together.

I have always wanted nothing but the best for you. But sometimes i have to want the best for me, so i'm sorry if i don't answer when you call. I'm sorry if you end up broken on the floor with no one to help you up. I'm sorry if you end up feeling humiliated for caring so much. I'm sorry if you hurt so bad some nights and all you need are my arms, but they wont hold you. I'm sorry if you can't stop seeing my face whenever you close your eyes and hearing my voice in your last seconds before sleep. I loved you so ******* much and you let that go. I hope you feel all the pain that i felt when you left. I'm off and on to better things.

You cant just do that to people. You can't tell someone that you love them if the only love you've ever felt is for yourself and half dressed women. You cant tell someone you 'might' come back to make it easier for them top sleep at night, when you are just running farther and farther from them. You can't always assume you're right, especially when it comes to peoples feelings. You may dictate what people feel but you can never tell them what they're feeling or if they actually feel it. When i told you that you hurt me, with my eyes that could never make themselves look up at yours and the choking back of sobs in public places, you made me feel as though everything that hurt me was my fault. That i had forced you to take your hands and rip my heart right out of my chest. That i had somehow convinced you to take that same heart and rip right through it with your words or lack thereof. You cant just do that to people.  Oh but you can, and you did. You did it to me. And one day i hope, every piece of me that you hurt hopes, that someone does that to you too.

You can't treat people the way you want to be treated. And you definitely cant love people the way you want to be loved. Because while you may want affection, others may want space. While you may want silence, others may want wisdom. While you may want gifts, others may prefer time. I think thats why so many relationships fail. You convince yourselves you just weren't meant for each other. None of us were made for another. We were made for ourselves. We have created this idea of "soul mates" because we feel incomplete. But each and every one of us has a heart that beats on its own. Lungs that take in air, eyes that see clearly, hands meant to move... on their own. Loving someone is not necessity, loving someone is luxury. Selfless luxury. It is a commitment and a choice. It takes work. Discover what language love speaks to them in, and sing them songs in it each day. We are capable of loving anyone, but we must first be willing to learn.

"Never let anyone convince you that our god isn't good." That's what my aunt said to me today, laying in a hospital bed. Her hair is falling like leaves and her skin as pale as snow yet she still has this warmth in her eyes and shining through her smile. That's god in her. I grab her hands in mine and i feel his presence flowing through her fingers. He is with her, in her, around her, because he is a good god. He takes each step with her, he whispers words of comfort through the breeze. He holds her in a warm embrace each night. Through every trial she is able to shine for him, because he is with her. She is a living testimony to how good our god is. I will never forget those words.

Time is moving so swiftly. It is so quickly gone, never to be had again. I spend my time wishing for the past, lusting for the future, and forgetting to appreciate the now. I found myself walking out to my dad’s car this morning, mumbling about how I can’t wait to get my license and never have to ride in that silly van again. Someday I will wish I could ride in that van again, talking college basketball with my young and healthy father. I often find myself wishing that I was a child again, that I still had my innocence and carefree spirit. But that is no longer me, and I have to learn to accept and live with the person I have become. There are so many “what ifs” and “I wishes” constantly running through my head. I cannot rush the future, nor can I relive the past. I have to be content with what I have now, because someday I will no longer have a future. I will only have death looming over me. I will only be able to look back on this life. I want to be able to look back on adventures, successes, achievements, and many memories made with the people I love. I do not want to look back on life only to see myself rushing through the motions or spending too much time reminiscing on the past. I want to live in the now. After all, the now may be all we have left.

These past few months I was different

Flipped upside down
Turned
Twisted
And a couple few miles from where I needed to be

My heart had been fooled
Led astray

I thought I knew what I wanted
I thought it was the right choice
I thought it was my choice

But I am only a child
Naïve and lusting for love

I wanted to be loved
I wanted to be wanted
And if that meant compromising everything I believed in
I didn’t mind

I jumped
I ran
And I skipped

It was great for a while
I was happy
But I was asleep

Sleep walking
Sleep running
Sleep loving

I was unaware where I was headed
But you held my hand and led me further
Making sure not to wake me

You thought I was going willingly

And when I showed signs of consciousness
Of realization

You ripped your hand from mine
Like a band-aid
That’s what it felt like

You looked me in my eyes and showed me what I didn’t want to see
And you were gone

I was 5 months away from myself
And you were back where you wanted to be

Now I walk this road alone
Searching for the pieces of me you took

Don't let people love you for the wrong reasons. Do not let someone love you because of how much you have. Do not let someone love you because of your physical appearance. Do not let someone love you because you both are feeling lonely. It is not a type of love you want. It is a love that will fill you for the time being, but will leave you feeling emptier than ever. It is a love that puts a voice in your head whispering, "love is all the same." This love is a love that is the farthest thing from what love actually is. Real love will not burn your throat 6 months later. Real love will not leave you gasping for air through the sobs. Real love will not be hard to leave behind. Real love fills you and it feels like nothing could ever make you empty. When the person who gives you this love leaves, it will more sweet than bitter. You got to be a part of them. You loved them. They loved you. Wow. What a wonderful thing you got to experience. Real love is nothing but love. Love should not cause pain. And if it does, it is not the love you want.

I am sick of superficiality

I am sick of being told I am loved
When the only thing that is loved is my flesh

Love is so much more than the physical attraction
It would be silly to say it is about that at all

A person’s looks will not hold you when you are crying
A person’s looks are unable to have meaningful conversations with you
A person’s looks cannot push you to be your best

A person’s appearance is only a shell
A shell that holds everything that makes them who they are

You must be in love with what is inside

Every flaw and quirk
Every passion and beautiful thought

If you are to say you truly love someone

If all you are looking for is a pretty face or a nice body
I’m sorry to say this
But you are gonna live one sad, loveless life

It's been weeks, maybe months, im not all that sure. I've been going through the motions, trying to distract myself, **** my tears in, paint the corners of my mouth up to my cheeks. Trying to look strong, independent, trying to look just fine. Because that's how i've pictured you. When i see you, which is only in my head anymore, i see you with a big smile and both hands full of joy. I see your eyes even bluer since the last time i looked into them, I see your hair with the ghost of my fingers twirled in between. I see you, happier, more care free than ever. You look free. Free of me. I hope i look free of you. I hope i make it seem like i'm okay with the fact that you're not here anymore. I hope you don't see right through me. I hope i'm fooling everyone.

The littlest things can push me over the edge. I need someone who will grab me by the waist and pull me back. Not someone who is telling me to jump, just to see if i would do it.

I don’t think I could tell you how much I miss you right now
How much I miss you all of the time, actually

It’s kind of pathetic how much I still think about you
How much I still think about us

Even when you’re not on my mind
My heart still aches with the memory of you

I hear about you all the time
And you seem to be doing well

You’ve got big things ahead of you
I’m so glad

I would say I’m so proud of you
But you’re not really mine to be proud of anymore

I see your smile a lot

When I pass you in the halls
When I scroll through all of the pictures I never deleted
When I shut my eyes

Nothing lights me up like that smile
Please keep that smile

I still feel your touch

Your hands on my hips
Your teeth on my lip

My god

Where did I go wrong
What did I do to make you leave
Why don’t you love me anymore

Why aren't you here

Right here

With me

"True love never did run smooth."* Nothing has ever run smooth, has it? Life is water with waves and tides and depths and no part of it has ever run smooth. Lines are blurred in this big blue ocean and nothing is ever certain. How can we be so sure when there is so much left unknown. Miles and miles and miles ahead are things we would never dream of. Miles of prose to be heard, miles of sky to be touched, miles of eyes never met, and miles of dreams to be made. They stretch out ahead of us but we can never see just past the horizon. I hope you are still here, just past my horizon.

The ideas of people around me have been drilled into my head from when I was young

They were forced upon me and I had no idea there were other ways of seeing things

I would get so angry seeing people
Drink
Smoke
Be openly homosexual
Anything I had been told was wrong

But as I’ve gotten older
I’ve realized things aren’t always black and white
Some things are undoubtedly gray to me

I have formed many of my own opinions

As I try to express my views time and time again
I am told I don’t know what I’m talking about
I’m young
I can’t possibly have my own way of looking at things
That is not allowed

They need to realize I’m not the same little kid anymore
I’m not as naïve or easily convinced

I am a young individual
Who has seen my fair share in my short time on earth

It is natural for my beliefs to change as I continue to grow
Things are constantly changing
And that is okay

It is not okay for them to make me feel as though my thoughts are irrelevant

I do not need to believe everything they tell me

And neither do you

Be your own person

Think your own thoughts
You are not meant to think the same as everyone else

Please, please remember that

I’m going to write while my feelings are still raw

They’re the only thing in my world right now

They’re in my head
All over my body
They are my sheets
The paint on my walls

They’re everywhere

Its clear there’s no getting away
I’m not even going to try
So how about I face them?
Instead of sit here and cry

Let’s talk about this sadness
Oh my, you couldn’t imagine

I was so caught up in you

In your smile
And your laugh
The way your hair curls
And did I mention that smile
Oh my god that smile

I was so in love with you
With the way you spoke and the words you said

Never have I met a more caring person
It’s so natural for you, so genuine

****

I just wanted you to care about me

I just wanted you to be happy
With me

I wanted you to be as in love as I was

I wanted you to need me

But that’s something I can’t force upon you
And I won’t try

It just hurts so badly right now
Sick to my stomach, lump in my throat
That kind of hurt

My body aches for my first love
It aches for your lips and your embrace
And it aches even more knowing it can’t have it

Just tell me you love me

No wait

Don’t
Please don’t

I don’t want you to have to lie
I don’t want you to have to pretend anymore

And I may sound bitter
But that isn’t it at all
I’m oddly happy

Let’s talk about this happiness
Because I’m really not sure why it’s here
Although I’m glad it is

I’m glad you finally got that off your chest
Even though it put more onto mine

You deserve so much more
Than settling for someone like me

I want nothing but the best for you
I’m not the best

I’ve caused you a lot of frustration
I know
And I don’t want you to feel that anymore

I want pure happiness for you

Find it

Please
Please find it

Find it and make this whole thing worth it

It’s been 7 months without you
That's 222 days without you here
And each of them has hurt worse than the last

I have learned to live without you
Without your sweet voice
Without your meaningful advice
Without your arms to run to whenever something went wrong

But I will never
Ever
Get used to you not being here

I will continue to look for you sitting in the window of your old house on Bridge Street
I will continue looking for you in the bleachers at my games
I will continue writing you these letters, that you will never read

Rest easy, my sweet grandmother

The one who raised me
In hope
In love
And in faith

You have instilled in me a sense of self worth

You never let me forget how proud I made you
How much potential I have
And how much joy I brought into your life

My best friend, my grandmother

I am sorry for all the times I left you feeling unappreciated
I am sorry for not coming around as much as I grew older
I am sorry for not visiting at the hospital as much as I should have

Not a day goes by that these things don’t haunt me

How unfortunate that you had to pass for me to realize
I should’ve been there more often
Listened more often
And loved more often

But I know you would not want me feeling this way

You have taught me so much
And this is just another lesson I can be thankful for

I will no longer take people for granted
I will always tell people how much they mean to me
Like I did when you were lying on your death bed
And squeezed my hand as an “I love you too”

Thank you my wonderful, kind hearted grandmother
For this awful thing, I was able to find the good in

The people around you play a huge part in making you, you. There are pieces of every soul you've ever loved inside of you. You have collected all of these qualities that have been passed down since the beginning of humanity. Oh, what wonderful hand-me-downs. They know where they have come from, with a long list of initials written down their backs. How awesome is it that you have the ability to be all of these things that the people you love, love? Pieces of me in other people and pieces of other people in me. How breathtaking it would be to see all of the people you have influenced, with big pieces of your self or small slivers. How incredible it would be if you could see all of the people who have come together to build up this person you are today. I'm a person of many different people, and it will never make me any less of a me. Never should you be made feel as if you are any less of a you.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately
I’ve been thinking about life
who I am
what I want to do
my passion
and my purpose

It’s all a bit overwhelming
I know I’m young and I shouldn’t have all this figured out yet
but not knowing bothers me
I need to have a plan
I need to know what I’m working for
and I don’t know
I have no idea

That terrifies me

I like to act like I have it all figured out when asked
but in reality I have no clue

I don’t even know who I am
Not really
I mean what defines who you are?
I know it’s not your name
or what you look like
so what is it?

The concept of “me” is so hard for me to wrap my mind around

It’s such a weird feeling
not knowing who you are
It makes you feel boring
like there’s not much to you

But I know there is so much more to me than I can see
I just need to climb deep into my mind and truly know myself
I just need to find ways to reveal parts of who I am

I need to do things I enjoy
find my passion
discover my talents
and use them for the benefit of others

That’s all I really want to do
Do things that make me happy
and help others in the process

But I feel as though my life is already so structured and time is so limited that I won’t have time to do the things I want to do
and the things others expect me to do

I go to high school
then college
and then I start my career
soon after get married and start a family

That all sounds great to me

But where does traveling fit into that plan?
Where do year long mission trips fit into that plan?
Where do summers spent in little towns on the coast doing nothing but enjoying this beautiful earth god has placed me on
fit into that plan?

How can I step out of my comfort zone and experience new things
if I’m stuck doing the same ole same ole?

If I could somehow fit all of this into my one lifetime
which I’m sure is possible
that would be fantastic

But I just feel like there isn’t enough time

I don’t want to spend my life going through the same stages as everyone else
I don’t want to be stuck at a job I hate
I don’t want to go through countless hours of lectures and studying

I want to go out and enjoy this big breath taking place the human race calls home
I want to meet new people
see new things
try new foods
and just embrace the awesomeness of this earth and everyone in it

I want to help people
find the less fortunate and make a change in their life
I want to bring light and hope to people who need it the most
I want to make this world a better place
I want to feel as though I can make a difference

After all, we only live once

Why would I spend my one life going through the motions that other people have established as “normal” and “successful”?

I am not other people
I am my own person
and even though I’m not completely sure who that is yet
I know my person wants to be different

And hopefully
by being different and doing a different thing
I can truly find myself along the way

I like to think of my body as a jewelry box. After all, it does contain my heart of gold.

Let’s take a trip
To places we’ve never seen before

Let’s just get out of here
I know a part of you wants to

I know you’re afraid
That once you get in this car
There’s no getting out

That this craziness that I am
Might be too much for you

I know you’re scared
That I might drop you off again
In the middle of nowhere
And drive away as fast as I can

But baby I promise
I’m just as scared as you

I’m scared of these impulsive decisions I make
I’m scared that I might forget you at the gas station
I’m scared that we might break down

Take another chance on me
On this wild ride
And I’ll make it worth your while

You can stay in my passenger seat
Forever, if you want

And if I ever tell you to get out
If I ever tell you to leave and never come back

Remind me about the time I asked you to get in this car
And we can keep on driving

I’m happy without you
But I would be much happier
With you here

Please come back

I want to feel the butterflies
I want the constant aching to leave

Please come back to me

I'm at a point of peace.
This life i am creating-
Feels like a masterpiece.

With every second,
I can recognize a blessing.

Although it is far from perfect,
I have become a proud architect.

I think what hurts the most is the promises. The promises that you made me, the promises that I made you, and all the promises that come with knowing someones secrets. Promises are dangerous, because if they aren't kept the word "promise" loses its meaning entirely. Then what can you say? "I mean it?" "I'll follow through with what I said?" "I wont let you down?" You could, but they are just synonyms. You change the words, but you cant change the meaning, making them just as dangerous. Lets make a rule, a number one rule that everyone has to follow. The rule is, do not make a promise unless you will be able to fulfill it. Easy. Can you imagine how many hearts that would save from breaking?

Loving myself comes with the rain

Sometimes a drizzle
Sometimes a thunderstorm
Sometimes it’s a fog, consuming my insecurities
Making them hard to see

This love that I have for myself
Is not something constant

It is changing with the weather

Sometimes there is most certainly a drought

A choking, overwhelming feeling
When I realize there’s no water

Nothing there
There will continue to be nothing
Because I am nothing

There is nothing I can do to change the fact
That nothing will come

And that’s when it does

A big, rumbling rain storm
Heading straight for me

It overflows the gutters of my mind
It floods my heart with a love
A love for myself

And it feels like the rain will never end
Nothing could stop it
Because it is everything

I am everything

But it is gone as suddenly as it came

And I am stuck in this cycle
Of loving
And hating

I wish you nothing but endless rainy days