I just feel like there’s something wrong with me

With how I think
And how I react to things

I don’t know if I’m missing something
Or if I just made myself into this mess

There’s so much going on inside of me
I don’t even know where it's happening

I can feel voices in my legs
They’re screaming in my spine

They’re dying to get out

I want so badly
To get them out
To stop harboring these awful thoughts

They’re tearing away at everything I am
They take a piece of me with each word

"You’re never enough"
"You’re cold"
"You are always messing up, my god why do you do that?"
"You are too complicated for love"
"You’re incapable of communicating your emotions"
"Who’s going to want to be with someone like that?"
"You will never go anywhere"
"You are talentless"
"You aren’t anything special"
"You are plain"
"You are so much lesser than everyone else"

It hurts
So bad

They have a way of wrapping their words around my heart
And making them all I can see
All I can hear
All I can feel

They pull tight
They twist and turn my insides
They make sure it’s slow
They know its painful

It feeds them

My tears are their water
My muffled sobs are music to their ears

I want them out
I need them out
I can get them out
If I just say something

Huh

But then again, who would listen?

I’d rather keep them in
Than burden someone else with them

I think something’s wrong with me

You know that scar that you have
The one on your right hand
On the soft spot between your thumb and your pointer finger
That one

I remember when you cut yourself
I remember hoping that it would leave a big scar
One of the ones people notice
And ask you about

Because I knew this was too good to last
You would grow bored
And look for someone new

I knew that

And I hoped that when your new girl asked you how you got that scar
The one on your right hand
On the soft spot between your thumb and your pointer finger

You would look at it
Think of me
Think of my family
Think of Christmas
Think about my smile
And the way I loved you

You would look at it
With a pain in your chest
And say you don't remember

Does anyone else have those places?

The ones that used to hold such happy memories
That now only bring sickness to your stomach
And shortness of breath

Even the thought unleashes the bittersweet nostalgia
Being there is overwhelming

I have those places
Quite a few
All hold memories of me and you

Like the woods that we hid in
That one late autumn night
When we were playing hide and seek
No one was going to find us
You knew it
You picked me up
I wrapped myself around you
And you kissed me
I kissed you back

The spare bedroom at my best friend’s house
Where we spent most of our Friday nights
Where I gave you every single piece of me
Leaving me a few months later
With nothing

The big comfy chair at my aunt’s house
Where you laid with me
When I had a little too much to drink
I wanted to cuddle
You wanted to sleep
You kissed my cheek
And shut your eyes

The soccer field downtown
Where I went with you every Saturday morning
Even though I really wasn’t into soccer
I was really into you
So I went

These are my places
These are my few
That all hold terrible
Wonderful
Memories of you

I’m a virgo

An earth sign

The seasons on this earth are so beautiful
I wish you could’ve seen the beauty in mine

I wish you would've stuck around
At least long enough
To catch a glimpse of summer

I’m a virgo

The ******

An earth sign

The seasons on this earth are so beautiful
I wish you could’ve seen the beauty in mine

But you are an aries

The ram

A fire sign

You were always warm
And I was warm too

But at times I could be cold
Rainy
Snowy
Sometimes even stormy

Perhaps that’s why you left

You never felt the need to invest in a rain jacket
Or snow tires

Because when you met me I was all sunshine
And glasses full of lemonade

You had no idea that I was temperate
My seasons were well defined

And when my winter months took you by surprise
You felt the cold creeping onto you
Your warmth refused to compete with my cold
And you left

Come back in a couple weeks
I promise it’ll be different

But just come prepared this time
With your umbrella
And your snowpants

I look forward to the day i can look back on this and smile. Smile like i used to. I see myself in those photographs and i can't help but notice that i don't look, or feel, the same.  The roses are gone, along with the wrinkles and flames. And i feel flat; Like a paper person. Every step i take and every move i make i am worried about tearing. "It could tear me, he could tear me, this could tear me." I can't do anything anymore without thinking, "is this gonna hurt me?" And that's because the thing i never thought would bring any harm to me, did. He did. And he brought a lot of it. I've lost the person i was in loving him. In the pain, in the joy, in the passion. I look forward to the day i find her (me). I look forward to the day the roses return to my cheeks, as well as the wrinkles to my nose and the flames to my eyes. And i can look back on this, and smile.

I used to look forward to Sundays
It was our day

Sundays without you were rare
And now it’s a normal thing

Instead of laughing
And smiling
And loving with you

I am crying on a Sunday

I am hurt
I am lonely
I am feeling awful without you

I am crying on a Sunday

Don’t compliment my appearance

Do not tell me that I am pretty
Do not tell me I’ve got the most beautiful eyes

Don’t

Those words mean nothing
Full of emptiness

How superficial you make me feel, telling me those things

Don’t you realize there is more to me than what meets the eye?

I am not just skin and bone
I am heart and soul

If you wish to make me feel good
If you wish to see that lovely smile

Tell me that you love the words that I write
Tell me that I am one of the most authentic individuals you have ever met
Tell me that I have an incredible sense of humor

Do not fall in love with this flesh and bone
Fall in love with this heart
And this soul

I have began to realize
Who i thought i wasn't
Is who my eyes see in the mirror
Like a distant cousin

I am but a small speck of dust
In this wondrous world
If only i could find some rest
To forget who i have found

I really think we could do it. We could make it, we could go far. I want to make it, I want to get to that place eventually. I want to be there with you. I want to be there with you on a rainy day, sitting on our couch rolled up in blankets. But not too many, because you know I get warm. I want to be there with you dancing and singing and laughing the night away on the day we’ll say “I do.”  I want to be there with you in foreign places, traveling and experiencing new things together. I want to be there with you when you find your dream job to see the excitement and fulfillment on your face. I want to be there with you at every family get together, because meeting and being around the people you love and have made you who you are is such a blessing to me. I want to be there with you on Sunday mornings, whether we go out to breakfast or go to church; Sundays fill me with joy and I want to share that with you. I want to be there with you, by my side, raising the children we brought into this world. I want to be with you, for a really long time. I really think we could do it. I really think I could be there, with you.

My heart is not one half of a whole
I am whole on my own
I do not need anyone to complete me

But my heart does have one lonely hand
Looking for another to hold
And it will continue to look
Until it finds one that fits

Perfectly

The hurt you left me doesn't lie,
And all the feelings till late july.
Everything that you had said to me,
Got you farther and farther out to sea.

Between your quick tongue and wicked intentions,
There were some things that i forgot to mention.
I knew all the games you were playing,
Yet i always had decided on staying.

You can say that you loved me,
That you treated me well.
I guess the pain you caused was subconsciously.
But seriously, go to hell.

i. Someone with the sweetest words and the most sincere smile can have the worst intentions. Be careful who you let into your life, some people will take what they need and move on without a second thought. You deserve more.

ii. Never let anyone cause you to compromise what you believe in. It may not feel like a big deal at the time, but after they leave and you are you again, you will regret it. So slow down, think about what you’re doing, think about your morals, and if they don’t line up, don’t do it. If they can’t respect your decisions, then leave. It is as simple as that.

iii. There will be people in your life that will just up and leave you. You won’t get an explanation, you won’t get closure. It’s something you will have to learn to accept. Just know it will not hurt this bad forever.

iv. Don’t deny reality. If it is obvious something isn’t going to work out, do not give yourself false hope. This is one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn.

v. And lastly, actions do speak louder than words. If someone blatantly ignores you, goes out of their way to make you feel bad, and doesn’t show any apathy towards your emotions, they do not care about you. They are not hiding their feelings down deep inside for some crazy reason you have made yourself believe. If they act as though they don’t care, they don’t care. Do not spend your time on people like this. There are so many other people out there with a heart to love and care for you. Go out and meet them.

Please - you need to leave.
You need to go far away.
Fall away like leaves -
From my branch - and from my love.

You hold on too tight -
To what i don't have to give.
Your grip is too loose -
On everything thing that i offer.

I try to pull back -
Pull to break this connection.
When its nearly gone -
Is when you build it back up.

I am doing all the work -
I am so very tired -
Of this.

We say "this is my life" like we actually believe its ours. Like we are the only ones who feel, like everyone else is an illusion. Because this is "our life," we are the only ones who feel and our mind is the only reality. This is everyone's life, every second that passes by is a little life. What makes you, or me, or him, so special that these little lives belong only to us? They belong to the universe, to the earth, to the animals, to nature, to each and every soul. It is not only your life, but everyone's, and everything's. With so much interdependence in this world, its the least we can do - to make each others little lives, a little bit more enjoyable.

I woke up to watercolors on my ceiling. And I knew today was gonna be a good day. The conversation I had had with myself the previous night rang in my head like echos from the moment consciousness scooped me up in its gentle hands. Things had been shaken, things had been settled, and I now felt weighted with sweet comfort. Sun shone through my blinds in rows, and I felt myself recognizing every piece of dust with a smile, as they danced around in the golden light. I had seen it many times before, the light coming in my window, but today I was fascinated. It was new. And I knew today was gonna be a good day. After a few minutes of laying there, I decided it was time to get up. Not because an alarm went off, or I had somewhere to be, but because I wanted to. The windows in my kitchen greeted me with views of a neutral blue sky and clouds that seemed to do as they pleased after a long night of rain. Grass looked greener and so did the trees. The river could be heard even from up here on the hill. Everything seemed more alive than yesterday. And I knew today was gonna be a good day. I grabbed my favorite mug from out of the cupboard and made myself a cup of tea. It felt like a chamomile morning. As I stood at the counter waiting for it to brew, I felt my dog nudge my heel with her nose and lean against me as she moved past me to her favorite spot in front of the heater. My heart twitched. She is my favorite “Good Morning.” And I knew today was gonna be a good day. With my tea and a blanket in hand, I went to sit outside on the porch swing. Not because there was someone to sit with, or because it was warm, but because I wanted to. It was a cool morning and the air smelled of damp earth. That is my favorite smell. With no wind the air hung and pressed against my warm skin, sharing memories of all the places it's been. In the lungs of my favorite musicians, in the presence of the most talented writers, to places around the globe that I have yet to explore. We shared and we wondered and we loved and suddenly the wind blew and I no longer had anyone to talk to. I didn’t mind. I knew today was gonna be a good day. I sat there on top of the hill, feeling like I was on top of the world, and I admired this life for what it is. Not for how I’ve been told it’s supposed to be.

It's refreshing, knowing you. Its a deep breath of air when you're smiling my way. Its a jump in the lake when you're holding me. It's a cool glass of water when you're talking to me, about important things, silly things, anything and everything. It feels like a breeze on the hottest day just to talk with you, laugh with you, be with you. You're something new to believe in, and your heartbeat has quickly become my religion. You're something so special, you're the first day of fall.

It feels so good to let go. Though the pain shot through my chest, though my hands were left red, though my cheeks were stained with tears, it felt so good to let go. When you left all the hurt left with you and as it poured out my feet left the ground. There was nothing holding me down. No words, no fears, no worries, no gravity once you left. I am flying without you. My heart is lighter than ever now that it doesn't have to hold you up. I can breathe deep breaths without my chest being pulled back in. I can finally look the clouds in the eyes and say "let it out." I've been walking among the stars and i can't believe i ever left.

I find myself looking back on that day a lot
It was the turning point in our relationship I’d say

The big sinking feeling when you’ve reached the top of a rollercoaster and you’re preparing yourself to go down

We had reached the top of our rollercoaster
I knew it

I was lying alone in that bed

My hair a mess
My eyes overflowing

I tried to keep quiet
But my sobs were loud and painful

I wanted you to hold me
I wanted you to calm me down
Tell me that it was okay

That’s all I needed
I needed your reassurance

But instead you gave me anger

You were angry that I was crying
You were angry that I kept things bottled up

You were frustrated
I know

But you gave me nothing but harsh words
When all I needed was a hug
A sign of affection
That’s all

That’s when I needed you the most

That’s when I could tell I’d lost you

You could no longer sympathize with a wreck like me
You could no longer put up with me and my mess of a mind

I get it
And I don’t blame you

We’ve reached the end of this wild ride

You got off a long time ago
Yet I still stay

I know you’re not coming back
But if you did
I’d do it all over again

Because I’m still hopelessly in love with you
And this rollercoaster we call “us”

I am content with the thought of your fingers brushing my skin and words whispered in my ear. It could be enough for me. I am content with the awkward exchanges and mouths that never say what needs to be heard. It could be enough for me. I am content with the eyes you give me from across a room and the flutters in my stomach when things feel like September again. It could be enough for me. Just know that my heart is settling. My head has begun to speak over my heart and that is how i wound up here, being content. My heart just wants to feel close to yours again. Chest to chest both beating, speaking words to each other that would never come from our mouths. I have been talking to myself for months now. Everything my heart feels and thinks and wants it has kept to itself, in hopes that you'd be back to hear these stories. So lay me down, share your soul, show me love. Be here with me. With you. It's us. My heart will never be content unless its us.

You left a couple 24 hours ago
It feels like a lot of 24 hours ago

You’re out there
And I’m still here

Talking with myself
About you
And us
Which isn’t much of an us anymore
If it’s just me

I cant seem to take my eyes
Off of the door
The way you left it
A tad bit open

Couldn’t you have just shut it all the way?

It would sure be easier for me
If there wasn’t this light spilling through the crack
Giving this room a dim light
A sliver of hope
That things might work out
That you’re going to come back

Oh my
That’s a nice thought

You walking right through that door again
Scooping me up

Saying that you’ve had your space
Had just enough of it
And you’re ready to share it with me again

You could have just shut it completely

Because this hope, this possibility
Is going to hurt me
More than you being gone
If you end up being gone for good

I want to feel the tips of your fingers dancing lightly on my back. I want to feel your chest pressed to mine, skin warm and refusing to let go. I want to leave my mark on your neck and along your collarbone. I want to get my fingers tangled in your hair while i take your bottom lip between my teeth. I want to wrap my legs around your waist and show you just how much i've been missing you, just how much i've been wanting this, just how much i've been needing you. Its been forever since i've felt anything and i want to feel you.

Getting to know yourself is more than just a, "whats my likes, what's my dislikes? what's my name, where am I from, and what do I want?" It's traveling and finding a place that feels like home, where the gravity pulls a bit stronger and the sun shines a bit brighter. It's being alone listening to the silence and thinking, "This is me. These are my thoughts, no one else's." It's realizing that you are made from the same things of this earth but your soul is of something more than substance. It's saying things without thinking, because those words are a raw reflection of your heart. You are so many things that you have yet to discover. Let yourself speak to you.

Where are you, and why can i hear you? Why can i hear your words in my ears and feel your hands on mine and why can i feel you hesitantly coming closer? You move towards me while my left hand is begging you to back away and my right hand is motioning for you to come closer. You say things that i want to hear but im not sure if im willing to believe. I cant fall, i cant do this to myself again. So i stand gripping on to everything i've ever known. I hold close to my mother, my father, i hold close to their wisdom. I hold close to my passion, i hold close and it makes my heart overflow with love and fire and sore cheeks. I hold close to the friends that build me up like sand castles and make my stomach hurt from laughing. But i still feel myself slipping, and its the scariest feeling i've ever known... because i am often imagining things.

I like to convince myself that you didn't know what you were doing. That you had no idea when you said goodbye that i was going to hang onto every letter, every syllable, every wave of emotion coming from that very word for months and months to come. I like to think that. And hope. And really just wish that you hadn't known, because deep down inside i knew you did. You knew. You knew how bad this was gonna hurt me, because you'd seen me get hurt over the littlest things, and some bigger things too. You knew this was gonna be the biggest. You always said you loved me, that you were thankful for me and you cared. But were were you when i became a little less lovable, a little less of the things you were thankful for, and a little less of myself? You ran, you always ran. From me, from your problems, from your future, and from responsibility. I hope you stop running. And i hope that you can admit to yourself that you lied, because you don't intentionally hurt the people you care about. You just never cared about me.

As much as i wish it was, it's just not that easy to forget you. As much as i wish you were, you're not coming back. As much as i wish i was still the one you loved talking to at the end of a long day, i'm not. As much as i wish i could change whatever it was about myself that made you leave, i cant. Wishes and wishes and more wishes fill me up and i cant help but wonder if they'll ever come true or if they are just taking up the space i should be filling with reality. I have so many wishes that I've started to create this other world in my mind where i love me and you love me so that it doesn't hurt so bad getting out of bed in the morning. I have so many wishes that the heavens cant keep up with sending shooting stars my way and i end up sitting on my deck screaming "more" at the top of my lungs. But don't you worry about me. I'll keep wishing, and you'll keep living.

You’ve got to find your happiness.

Happiness is stubborn,
It does not want to be found.

It will not come to you in the form of a sweet boy with big brown eyes.
It will not come to you in the form of money.
It will not come to you in the form of possessions.
It will not come to you, at all.

But if you search for it,
It will never be found.

The only way to find this thing you long for
Is to be other’s happiness.
Even if it is only for a second.

Share a smile with a stranger.
Hold the door for people, no matter how many keep coming.
Give up something of yours to someone less fortunate.
It may not be all that great to you,
But it will be beyond special to them.

Just be a decent person and do some decent things.
It is a pity that simple things like these have become out of the ordinary,
I guess it just makes them all the more special.

The smiles that these simple acts of kindness bring,
Is where you will find your happiness.

You’re fronting
Just like you always did

Just like you always acted so polite
And kind
And perfect

It was all a front

They can’t see it
But I see right through you

Through your oh so sincere words
And your sorry eyes

You mean nothing

All of your words are empty
They were always empty
Yet they made me feel so full

But that was long ago
When you gave me more than a
“hey, I hope you’re doing well”

So don’t tell me you’re sorry
When you don’t want to be forgiven

Don’t tell me you care
If you treat me like I was never a part of you

Don’t tell me you never meant to hurt me
If that’s exactly what you continue to do

You are not sorry

You do not care

You knew what you were doing

And now I’m full of things
That aren’t you

I’m filled with all of my happiness
The one thing you never took

And you’re full of ****

My love for you is constantly growing

Growing like flowers underneath the sunniest sky
Building like snow atop the highest mountain
Rushing like the waters in a downhill stream

Every word you speak
Steals mine right from my mouth

Every look you give
Gives my heart reason to skip

Every time you touch
You touch deeper than my skin

You’ve got my full attention

You’ve got all of my love
Even the love i do not have yet to give

I can tell your love for me is only growing faint

Burning out like a fire
Tip-toeing out the door
Fading like echoes

Every word I speak
You hear but do not acknowledge

Every look I give
Reaches for you, only to be swatted away

Every time I touch
It is just another hand that you’ve felt hundreds of times before

You need something else
I can see it in your eyes

Please tell me this is my imagination playing tricks on me
Its cruel, hurtful jokes that I have been fooled by many times before

Please tell me this isn’t the case at all
that your love still grows for me like flowers underneath the sunniest sky

Showing emotion does not make me weak
Being scared does not make me immature

Don’t you dare try to tell me that I am “weak minded”
Don’t you dare try to make me feel like these things are my fault

Do you think I asked to feel everything so deeply?
Do you think I asked to be put in these situations?

You say I keep things too bottled up
That it annoys you
That you’re sick of it

I say “im sorry”

I cannot help these voices in my head
Telling me no one cares
That I would only be burdening others with my problems
I cannot help fearing that these things are true

I am not sorry for how I am

I am sorry that you feel the need to criticize
And pick
At everything I am

I am the one who should be annoyed
I am the one who should be sick of it

You seem to think
That the way you see and do things
Is the only way

I am not the one who is “weak minded”
That, would be you