I am sick of superficiality

I am sick of being told I am loved
When the only thing that is loved is my flesh

Love is so much more than the physical attraction
It would be silly to say it is about that at all

A person’s looks will not hold you when you are crying
A person’s looks are unable to have meaningful conversations with you
A person’s looks cannot push you to be your best

A person’s appearance is only a shell
A shell that holds everything that makes them who they are

You must be in love with what is inside

Every flaw and quirk
Every passion and beautiful thought

If you are to say you truly love someone

If all you are looking for is a pretty face or a nice body
I’m sorry to say this
But you are gonna live one sad, loveless life

You’ve got to find your happiness.

Happiness is stubborn,
It does not want to be found.

It will not come to you in the form of a sweet boy with big brown eyes.
It will not come to you in the form of money.
It will not come to you in the form of possessions.
It will not come to you, at all.

But if you search for it,
It will never be found.

The only way to find this thing you long for
Is to be other’s happiness.
Even if it is only for a second.

Share a smile with a stranger.
Hold the door for people, no matter how many keep coming.
Give up something of yours to someone less fortunate.
It may not be all that great to you,
But it will be beyond special to them.

Just be a decent person and do some decent things.
It is a pity that simple things like these have become out of the ordinary,
I guess it just makes them all the more special.

The smiles that these simple acts of kindness bring,
Is where you will find your happiness.

You know that scar that you have
The one on your right hand
On the soft spot between your thumb and your pointer finger
That one

I remember when you cut yourself
I remember hoping that it would leave a big scar
One of the ones people notice
And ask you about

Because I knew this was too good to last
You would grow bored
And look for someone new

I knew that

And I hoped that when your new girl asked you how you got that scar
The one on your right hand
On the soft spot between your thumb and your pointer finger

You would look at it
Think of me
Think of my family
Think of Christmas
Think about my smile
And the way I loved you

You would look at it
With a pain in your chest
And say you don't remember

Let’s take a trip
To places we’ve never seen before

Let’s just get out of here
I know a part of you wants to

I know you’re afraid
That once you get in this car
There’s no getting out

That this craziness that I am
Might be too much for you

I know you’re scared
That I might drop you off again
In the middle of nowhere
And drive away as fast as I can

But baby I promise
I’m just as scared as you

I’m scared of these impulsive decisions I make
I’m scared that I might forget you at the gas station
I’m scared that we might break down

Take another chance on me
On this wild ride
And I’ll make it worth your while

You can stay in my passenger seat
Forever, if you want

And if I ever tell you to get out
If I ever tell you to leave and never come back

Remind me about the time I asked you to get in this car
And we can keep on driving

If i would've tried,
Would you've stayed?
That's a wonder of mine,
That keeps wasting my time.

If i would've said it,
Could you comprehend it?
I can't believe i didn't say,
And instead let it eat me away.

If i told you i hated you,
Would you ever believe it?
It's a dangerous affair,
When both feelings are there.

It's something i can't change,
So i will stop the nostalgia.
And instead of feeling it's you that i lack,
I hope and I pray that you never come back.

I just feel like there’s something wrong with me

With how I think
And how I react to things

I don’t know if I’m missing something
Or if I just made myself into this mess

There’s so much going on inside of me
I don’t even know where it's happening

I can feel voices in my legs
They’re screaming in my spine

They’re dying to get out

I want so badly
To get them out
To stop harboring these awful thoughts

They’re tearing away at everything I am
They take a piece of me with each word

"You’re never enough"
"You’re cold"
"You are always messing up, my god why do you do that?"
"You are too complicated for love"
"You’re incapable of communicating your emotions"
"Who’s going to want to be with someone like that?"
"You will never go anywhere"
"You are talentless"
"You aren’t anything special"
"You are plain"
"You are so much lesser than everyone else"

It hurts
So bad

They have a way of wrapping their words around my heart
And making them all I can see
All I can hear
All I can feel

They pull tight
They twist and turn my insides
They make sure it’s slow
They know its painful

It feeds them

My tears are their water
My muffled sobs are music to their ears

I want them out
I need them out
I can get them out
If I just say something

Huh

But then again, who would listen?

I’d rather keep them in
Than burden someone else with them

I think something’s wrong with me

I like to think of my body as a jewelry box. After all, it does contain my heart of gold.

Don't let people love you for the wrong reasons. Do not let someone love you because of how much you have. Do not let someone love you because of your physical appearance. Do not let someone love you because you both are feeling lonely. It is not a type of love you want. It is a love that will fill you for the time being, but will leave you feeling emptier than ever. It is a love that puts a voice in your head whispering, "love is all the same." This love is a love that is the farthest thing from what love actually is. Real love will not burn your throat 6 months later. Real love will not leave you gasping for air through the sobs. Real love will not be hard to leave behind. Real love fills you and it feels like nothing could ever make you empty. When the person who gives you this love leaves, it will more sweet than bitter. You got to be a part of them. You loved them. They loved you. Wow. What a wonderful thing you got to experience. Real love is nothing but love. Love should not cause pain. And if it does, it is not the love you want.

I am lonely tonight.
My mind sits on frayed ropes and wearing wires -
And right to the right -
Sits my heart, sounding of empty choirs.

It's not always quiet.
It used to sing of light and blue and full-
I may be biased -
But it was breathtaking, filled with such soul.

My mind sits on wires.
Which may or may not be there when i wake -
Below there are fires -
My hope may burn, but my soul it wont take.

I may be lonely tonight -
But i am still here.
Right to the right sits my heart -
And i know the music will eventually reach my ears.

And i have always been a happy person. You look up synonyms for the word "happy" and you get results like, carefree, and lighthearted, but that is definitely not me. I'm happy, but my heart stays heavy and my head filled with cares. I stay up for so long that when i come down, i come down hard. I come down with weights tied to my feet and the feeling of falling has always terrified me. I come down with these thoughts that i can't seem to shake and they play over and over in my head like a broken record. I become a person that i don't like, one that i dont recognize.  It makes me wonder if that's who i really am, underneath it all. That's what terrifies me the most, and that is why i get back up again.

i. Someone with the sweetest words and the most sincere smile can have the worst intentions. Be careful who you let into your life, some people will take what they need and move on without a second thought. You deserve more.

ii. Never let anyone cause you to compromise what you believe in. It may not feel like a big deal at the time, but after they leave and you are you again, you will regret it. So slow down, think about what you’re doing, think about your morals, and if they don’t line up, don’t do it. If they can’t respect your decisions, then leave. It is as simple as that.

iii. There will be people in your life that will just up and leave you. You won’t get an explanation, you won’t get closure. It’s something you will have to learn to accept. Just know it will not hurt this bad forever.

iv. Don’t deny reality. If it is obvious something isn’t going to work out, do not give yourself false hope. This is one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn.

v. And lastly, actions do speak louder than words. If someone blatantly ignores you, goes out of their way to make you feel bad, and doesn’t show any apathy towards your emotions, they do not care about you. They are not hiding their feelings down deep inside for some crazy reason you have made yourself believe. If they act as though they don’t care, they don’t care. Do not spend your time on people like this. There are so many other people out there with a heart to love and care for you. Go out and meet them.

I’m going to write while my feelings are still raw

They’re the only thing in my world right now

They’re in my head
All over my body
They are my sheets
The paint on my walls

They’re everywhere

Its clear there’s no getting away
I’m not even going to try
So how about I face them?
Instead of sit here and cry

Let’s talk about this sadness
Oh my, you couldn’t imagine

I was so caught up in you

In your smile
And your laugh
The way your hair curls
And did I mention that smile
Oh my god that smile

I was so in love with you
With the way you spoke and the words you said

Never have I met a more caring person
It’s so natural for you, so genuine

****

I just wanted you to care about me

I just wanted you to be happy
With me

I wanted you to be as in love as I was

I wanted you to need me

But that’s something I can’t force upon you
And I won’t try

It just hurts so badly right now
Sick to my stomach, lump in my throat
That kind of hurt

My body aches for my first love
It aches for your lips and your embrace
And it aches even more knowing it can’t have it

Just tell me you love me

No wait

Don’t
Please don’t

I don’t want you to have to lie
I don’t want you to have to pretend anymore

And I may sound bitter
But that isn’t it at all
I’m oddly happy

Let’s talk about this happiness
Because I’m really not sure why it’s here
Although I’m glad it is

I’m glad you finally got that off your chest
Even though it put more onto mine

You deserve so much more
Than settling for someone like me

I want nothing but the best for you
I’m not the best

I’ve caused you a lot of frustration
I know
And I don’t want you to feel that anymore

I want pure happiness for you

Find it

Please
Please find it

Find it and make this whole thing worth it

The smell of rain reminds me of you, along with this little town i call home and porch swings. Wildflowers remind me of you and so does the crackling of a bonfire. The color blue, like the blue you see in the water during sunset, reminds me of you. Coloring books, sweet candles, hot tea, the stars above my bedroom window, it all reminds me of you. I feel ties to you in ways i have no explanation for. I only know i feel this constant pull towards you, a tug on my heart. You remind me of a past life and a past love, someone who i once was. You remind me of all the beautiful, sweet, soft spoken things life has to offer but are so difficult to collect. I once had them all, and that was when i had you.

It’s a new night

I am alone
As I like to be

Me, myself, and I
All together
For the first time in a long time

It’s nice to catch up
See what we’ve all been up to

Isolating myself for a while
Does not hurt me

It allows me to know myself better

That’s something I’ve gotta do
Or else you’ll never want to

The ideas of people around me have been drilled into my head from when I was young

They were forced upon me and I had no idea there were other ways of seeing things

I would get so angry seeing people
Drink
Smoke
Be openly homosexual
Anything I had been told was wrong

But as I’ve gotten older
I’ve realized things aren’t always black and white
Some things are undoubtedly gray to me

I have formed many of my own opinions

As I try to express my views time and time again
I am told I don’t know what I’m talking about
I’m young
I can’t possibly have my own way of looking at things
That is not allowed

They need to realize I’m not the same little kid anymore
I’m not as naïve or easily convinced

I am a young individual
Who has seen my fair share in my short time on earth

It is natural for my beliefs to change as I continue to grow
Things are constantly changing
And that is okay

It is not okay for them to make me feel as though my thoughts are irrelevant

I do not need to believe everything they tell me

And neither do you

Be your own person

Think your own thoughts
You are not meant to think the same as everyone else

Please, please remember that

About five months ago
I couldn’t imagine life without you

I looked at you as the greatest thing to have happened to me

I looked at you through my young, innocent eyes
And i never would have thought
Even for a second
That you could bring any harm to me

You had me blinded
Totally oblivious to the fact that this love was not at all what it seemed

I have held on for so long
Hoping and wishing
That things would change

I thought that if I just kept trying
Just kept giving my all
That we would be okay
That you would always be by my side
That our love would grow stronger

I thought wrong

You see, in the past few weeks
I have allowed myself to realized some things
I have stopped defending you from my own thoughts
I have let my instincts take over
And they have told me all I need to know

You never loved me as you said you did
You may have loved me
But you never loved the parts of me that mattered

You did nothing but leave bruises
On my confidence
On my trust
On my heart

This love is toxic, causing nothing but damage

It feels so good to say
I don’t want it anymore

I do not need someone who doesn’t need me
I do not need someone who dismisses my feelings
I do not need someone who isn’t completely in love with every single part of my soul
I do not need someone who gives me half of the effort I give them

I do not need you

You are not my happiness as you once were
You are only someone who has taught me a few great lessons

I will never again allow myself to be taken advantage of
I will never again let down my walls for someone without knowing their intentions
I will never again listen to words I know are lies, and continue to stick around

Never again

The hurt you left me doesn't lie,
And all the feelings till late july.
Everything that you had said to me,
Got you farther and farther out to sea.

Between your quick tongue and wicked intentions,
There were some things that i forgot to mention.
I knew all the games you were playing,
Yet i always had decided on staying.

You can say that you loved me,
That you treated me well.
I guess the pain you caused was subconsciously.
But seriously, go to hell.

Nothing calms me like the bare trees in late February
Nothing screams “serenity” like the winding wet concrete
Nothing soothes my soul like the mailboxes flying past my window

The music fills the voids
Gives me a little more to think about
Than what is real

Where is the life I long for?

In my hands
Or down the wire

It is uncertain
It is in pieces

I am simple

Let this wind blow through my hair
Let it separate me from myself

I am happy

It’s been 7 months without you
That's 222 days without you here
And each of them has hurt worse than the last

I have learned to live without you
Without your sweet voice
Without your meaningful advice
Without your arms to run to whenever something went wrong

But I will never
Ever
Get used to you not being here

I will continue to look for you sitting in the window of your old house on Bridge Street
I will continue looking for you in the bleachers at my games
I will continue writing you these letters, that you will never read

Rest easy, my sweet grandmother

The one who raised me
In hope
In love
And in faith

You have instilled in me a sense of self worth

You never let me forget how proud I made you
How much potential I have
And how much joy I brought into your life

My best friend, my grandmother

I am sorry for all the times I left you feeling unappreciated
I am sorry for not coming around as much as I grew older
I am sorry for not visiting at the hospital as much as I should have

Not a day goes by that these things don’t haunt me

How unfortunate that you had to pass for me to realize
I should’ve been there more often
Listened more often
And loved more often

But I know you would not want me feeling this way

You have taught me so much
And this is just another lesson I can be thankful for

I will no longer take people for granted
I will always tell people how much they mean to me
Like I did when you were lying on your death bed
And squeezed my hand as an “I love you too”

Thank you my wonderful, kind hearted grandmother
For this awful thing, I was able to find the good in

I used to look forward to Sundays
It was our day

Sundays without you were rare
And now it’s a normal thing

Instead of laughing
And smiling
And loving with you

I am crying on a Sunday

I am hurt
I am lonely
I am feeling awful without you

I am crying on a Sunday

I’m a virgo

An earth sign

The seasons on this earth are so beautiful
I wish you could’ve seen the beauty in mine

I wish you would've stuck around
At least long enough
To catch a glimpse of summer

I’m a virgo

The ******

An earth sign

The seasons on this earth are so beautiful
I wish you could’ve seen the beauty in mine

But you are an aries

The ram

A fire sign

You were always warm
And I was warm too

But at times I could be cold
Rainy
Snowy
Sometimes even stormy

Perhaps that’s why you left

You never felt the need to invest in a rain jacket
Or snow tires

Because when you met me I was all sunshine
And glasses full of lemonade

You had no idea that I was temperate
My seasons were well defined

And when my winter months took you by surprise
You felt the cold creeping onto you
Your warmth refused to compete with my cold
And you left

Come back in a couple weeks
I promise it’ll be different

But just come prepared this time
With your umbrella
And your snowpants

The people around you play a huge part in making you, you. There are pieces of every soul you've ever loved inside of you. You have collected all of these qualities that have been passed down since the beginning of humanity. Oh, what wonderful hand-me-downs. They know where they have come from, with a long list of initials written down their backs. How awesome is it that you have the ability to be all of these things that the people you love, love? Pieces of me in other people and pieces of other people in me. How breathtaking it would be to see all of the people you have influenced, with big pieces of your self or small slivers. How incredible it would be if you could see all of the people who have come together to build up this person you are today. I'm a person of many different people, and it will never make me any less of a me. Never should you be made feel as if you are any less of a you.

Showing emotion does not make me weak
Being scared does not make me immature

Don’t you dare try to tell me that I am “weak minded”
Don’t you dare try to make me feel like these things are my fault

Do you think I asked to feel everything so deeply?
Do you think I asked to be put in these situations?

You say I keep things too bottled up
That it annoys you
That you’re sick of it

I say “im sorry”

I cannot help these voices in my head
Telling me no one cares
That I would only be burdening others with my problems
I cannot help fearing that these things are true

I am not sorry for how I am

I am sorry that you feel the need to criticize
And pick
At everything I am

I am the one who should be annoyed
I am the one who should be sick of it

You seem to think
That the way you see and do things
Is the only way

I am not the one who is “weak minded”
That, would be you

Loving myself comes with the rain

Sometimes a drizzle
Sometimes a thunderstorm
Sometimes it’s a fog, consuming my insecurities
Making them hard to see

This love that I have for myself
Is not something constant

It is changing with the weather

Sometimes there is most certainly a drought

A choking, overwhelming feeling
When I realize there’s no water

Nothing there
There will continue to be nothing
Because I am nothing

There is nothing I can do to change the fact
That nothing will come

And that’s when it does

A big, rumbling rain storm
Heading straight for me

It overflows the gutters of my mind
It floods my heart with a love
A love for myself

And it feels like the rain will never end
Nothing could stop it
Because it is everything

I am everything

But it is gone as suddenly as it came

And I am stuck in this cycle
Of loving
And hating

I wish you nothing but endless rainy days

I'm at a point of peace.
This life i am creating-
Feels like a masterpiece.

With every second,
I can recognize a blessing.

Although it is far from perfect,
I have become a proud architect.

I find myself looking back on that day a lot
It was the turning point in our relationship I’d say

The big sinking feeling when you’ve reached the top of a rollercoaster and you’re preparing yourself to go down

We had reached the top of our rollercoaster
I knew it

I was lying alone in that bed

My hair a mess
My eyes overflowing

I tried to keep quiet
But my sobs were loud and painful

I wanted you to hold me
I wanted you to calm me down
Tell me that it was okay

That’s all I needed
I needed your reassurance

But instead you gave me anger

You were angry that I was crying
You were angry that I kept things bottled up

You were frustrated
I know

But you gave me nothing but harsh words
When all I needed was a hug
A sign of affection
That’s all

That’s when I needed you the most

That’s when I could tell I’d lost you

You could no longer sympathize with a wreck like me
You could no longer put up with me and my mess of a mind

I get it
And I don’t blame you

We’ve reached the end of this wild ride

You got off a long time ago
Yet I still stay

I know you’re not coming back
But if you did
I’d do it all over again

Because I’m still hopelessly in love with you
And this rollercoaster we call “us”

You woke up that morning and decided that it just didn't feel the same. My eyes didn't light up like they used to, my smile had lost it's width. My words lacked sincerity and my affection was scarce. But what did you expect? You left with my heart still gripping onto yours, having ripped it right out of my chest. You walked away with broken promises, loose ends, and all of my secrets. Why would you have ever asked me to love you like before? Only someone so naive would think that to be possible. Hurt changes a person, it changed me. I had the choice to sink or swim, and i chose to fly. I did loops around the clouds, i walked on the spikes of the sun. All the while i began to love again, especially myself. You would never get that same amount of love back, because things had changed. I had changed. Of course things didn't feel the same.

"Never let anyone convince you that our god isn't good." That's what my aunt said to me today, laying in a hospital bed. Her hair is falling like leaves and her skin as pale as snow yet she still has this warmth in her eyes and shining through her smile. That's god in her. I grab her hands in mine and i feel his presence flowing through her fingers. He is with her, in her, around her, because he is a good god. He takes each step with her, he whispers words of comfort through the breeze. He holds her in a warm embrace each night. Through every trial she is able to shine for him, because he is with her. She is a living testimony to how good our god is. I will never forget those words.

I miss you here
I miss you there
I miss those sweet sounds in my ear

And I miss you there
I miss you here
I miss my fingers in your hair

my heart, it aches
And longs
For your your embrace

So I miss you now
I miss you then
I miss the long nights in that bed

Who else have you made bleed?
I found the pleasure in the pain
Although i knew i was never a "need"

I miss you then
I miss you now
Where on earth
Have you ran to
Anyhow?

I woke up to watercolors on my ceiling. And I knew today was gonna be a good day. The conversation I had had with myself the previous night rang in my head like echos from the moment consciousness scooped me up in its gentle hands. Things had been shaken, things had been settled, and I now felt weighted with sweet comfort. Sun shone through my blinds in rows, and I felt myself recognizing every piece of dust with a smile, as they danced around in the golden light. I had seen it many times before, the light coming in my window, but today I was fascinated. It was new. And I knew today was gonna be a good day. After a few minutes of laying there, I decided it was time to get up. Not because an alarm went off, or I had somewhere to be, but because I wanted to. The windows in my kitchen greeted me with views of a neutral blue sky and clouds that seemed to do as they pleased after a long night of rain. Grass looked greener and so did the trees. The river could be heard even from up here on the hill. Everything seemed more alive than yesterday. And I knew today was gonna be a good day. I grabbed my favorite mug from out of the cupboard and made myself a cup of tea. It felt like a chamomile morning. As I stood at the counter waiting for it to brew, I felt my dog nudge my heel with her nose and lean against me as she moved past me to her favorite spot in front of the heater. My heart twitched. She is my favorite “Good Morning.” And I knew today was gonna be a good day. With my tea and a blanket in hand, I went to sit outside on the porch swing. Not because there was someone to sit with, or because it was warm, but because I wanted to. It was a cool morning and the air smelled of damp earth. That is my favorite smell. With no wind the air hung and pressed against my warm skin, sharing memories of all the places it's been. In the lungs of my favorite musicians, in the presence of the most talented writers, to places around the globe that I have yet to explore. We shared and we wondered and we loved and suddenly the wind blew and I no longer had anyone to talk to. I didn’t mind. I knew today was gonna be a good day. I sat there on top of the hill, feeling like I was on top of the world, and I admired this life for what it is. Not for how I’ve been told it’s supposed to be.

I like to convince myself that you didn't know what you were doing. That you had no idea when you said goodbye that i was going to hang onto every letter, every syllable, every wave of emotion coming from that very word for months and months to come. I like to think that. And hope. And really just wish that you hadn't known, because deep down inside i knew you did. You knew. You knew how bad this was gonna hurt me, because you'd seen me get hurt over the littlest things, and some bigger things too. You knew this was gonna be the biggest. You always said you loved me, that you were thankful for me and you cared. But were were you when i became a little less lovable, a little less of the things you were thankful for, and a little less of myself? You ran, you always ran. From me, from your problems, from your future, and from responsibility. I hope you stop running. And i hope that you can admit to yourself that you lied, because you don't intentionally hurt the people you care about. You just never cared about me.

I look forward to the day i can look back on this and smile. Smile like i used to. I see myself in those photographs and i can't help but notice that i don't look, or feel, the same.  The roses are gone, along with the wrinkles and flames. And i feel flat; Like a paper person. Every step i take and every move i make i am worried about tearing. "It could tear me, he could tear me, this could tear me." I can't do anything anymore without thinking, "is this gonna hurt me?" And that's because the thing i never thought would bring any harm to me, did. He did. And he brought a lot of it. I've lost the person i was in loving him. In the pain, in the joy, in the passion. I look forward to the day i find her (me). I look forward to the day the roses return to my cheeks, as well as the wrinkles to my nose and the flames to my eyes. And i can look back on this, and smile.

Another year in your life, another 12 months your heart has been beating. Another 365 days your lungs have been taking in air. I hope you have lived so much that your heart skipped beats, and your lungs lost their breath. I hope you did so much living that your organs couldn't quite keep up with you. I hope your heart swelled with love and that you always reached for the stars. I hope you smiled every chance you got and that you were able to jump out of your comfort zone. I hope you made memories to be remembered for a lifetime and that you touched the lives of others. I hope you do even more living this coming year. I know there are big things waiting for you at 27, and i can't wait to see all the beautiful things god has in store for you. I hope you embrace each and every one of them, and truly live.

We got news today. The kind that makes tears bob in your eyes and your lips quiver on the edge of a scream. But that's all that happened, the tears never fell, the scream never sounded. Something held me together when i desperately wanted to fall apart. I wanted to cry, scream, feel something. Just feel something. Every part of me wanted to be upset and get down but my spirits lifted higher and higher, about 4 inches away from heaven. I felt an embrace and love and reassurance and i felt my worries fall down, never to be seen again. I felt God and now i feel nothing less than peace and happiness.

Does anyone else have those places?

The ones that used to hold such happy memories
That now only bring sickness to your stomach
And shortness of breath

Even the thought unleashes the bittersweet nostalgia
Being there is overwhelming

I have those places
Quite a few
All hold memories of me and you

Like the woods that we hid in
That one late autumn night
When we were playing hide and seek
No one was going to find us
You knew it
You picked me up
I wrapped myself around you
And you kissed me
I kissed you back

The spare bedroom at my best friend’s house
Where we spent most of our Friday nights
Where I gave you every single piece of me
Leaving me a few months later
With nothing

The big comfy chair at my aunt’s house
Where you laid with me
When I had a little too much to drink
I wanted to cuddle
You wanted to sleep
You kissed my cheek
And shut your eyes

The soccer field downtown
Where I went with you every Saturday morning
Even though I really wasn’t into soccer
I was really into you
So I went

These are my places
These are my few
That all hold terrible
Wonderful
Memories of you

It's been weeks, maybe months, im not all that sure. I've been going through the motions, trying to distract myself, **** my tears in, paint the corners of my mouth up to my cheeks. Trying to look strong, independent, trying to look just fine. Because that's how i've pictured you. When i see you, which is only in my head anymore, i see you with a big smile and both hands full of joy. I see your eyes even bluer since the last time i looked into them, I see your hair with the ghost of my fingers twirled in between. I see you, happier, more care free than ever. You look free. Free of me. I hope i look free of you. I hope i make it seem like i'm okay with the fact that you're not here anymore. I hope you don't see right through me. I hope i'm fooling everyone.

You left a couple 24 hours ago
It feels like a lot of 24 hours ago

You’re out there
And I’m still here

Talking with myself
About you
And us
Which isn’t much of an us anymore
If it’s just me

I cant seem to take my eyes
Off of the door
The way you left it
A tad bit open

Couldn’t you have just shut it all the way?

It would sure be easier for me
If there wasn’t this light spilling through the crack
Giving this room a dim light
A sliver of hope
That things might work out
That you’re going to come back

Oh my
That’s a nice thought

You walking right through that door again
Scooping me up

Saying that you’ve had your space
Had just enough of it
And you’re ready to share it with me again

You could have just shut it completely

Because this hope, this possibility
Is going to hurt me
More than you being gone
If you end up being gone for good

I think what hurts the most is the promises. The promises that you made me, the promises that I made you, and all the promises that come with knowing someones secrets. Promises are dangerous, because if they aren't kept the word "promise" loses its meaning entirely. Then what can you say? "I mean it?" "I'll follow through with what I said?" "I wont let you down?" You could, but they are just synonyms. You change the words, but you cant change the meaning, making them just as dangerous. Lets make a rule, a number one rule that everyone has to follow. The rule is, do not make a promise unless you will be able to fulfill it. Easy. Can you imagine how many hearts that would save from breaking?

I can’t make this work by myself
I need something from you too

A little effort maybe
Maybe that would help

How do you expect “us” to be?
If I’m giving everything I have
And you’re giving everything you don’t need

I want this
So badly

Please tell me you want it too

Show me you want this too

Just give me some effort
Or give me my **** back

My love for you is constantly growing

Growing like flowers underneath the sunniest sky
Building like snow atop the highest mountain
Rushing like the waters in a downhill stream

Every word you speak
Steals mine right from my mouth

Every look you give
Gives my heart reason to skip

Every time you touch
You touch deeper than my skin

You’ve got my full attention

You’ve got all of my love
Even the love i do not have yet to give

I can tell your love for me is only growing faint

Burning out like a fire
Tip-toeing out the door
Fading like echoes

Every word I speak
You hear but do not acknowledge

Every look I give
Reaches for you, only to be swatted away

Every time I touch
It is just another hand that you’ve felt hundreds of times before

You need something else
I can see it in your eyes

Please tell me this is my imagination playing tricks on me
Its cruel, hurtful jokes that I have been fooled by many times before

Please tell me this isn’t the case at all
that your love still grows for me like flowers underneath the sunniest sky

As much as i wish it was, it's just not that easy to forget you. As much as i wish you were, you're not coming back. As much as i wish i was still the one you loved talking to at the end of a long day, i'm not. As much as i wish i could change whatever it was about myself that made you leave, i cant. Wishes and wishes and more wishes fill me up and i cant help but wonder if they'll ever come true or if they are just taking up the space i should be filling with reality. I have so many wishes that I've started to create this other world in my mind where i love me and you love me so that it doesn't hurt so bad getting out of bed in the morning. I have so many wishes that the heavens cant keep up with sending shooting stars my way and i end up sitting on my deck screaming "more" at the top of my lungs. But don't you worry about me. I'll keep wishing, and you'll keep living.

It's difficult to forget you. As much as i want to and as much as i tell myself i hate you, there's no denying i am still crazy in love with you. Im in love with the way your hair curls and the way it feels in between my fingers. Im in love with the feeling of your heartbeat on mine and knowing that this is real, that we are alive, with eachother, for a reason. Im in love with your smile and the way it lifted my heart on some of my roughest days. Im in love with your humor and your kind soul, the way you treat others and talk about the world takes my breath away. It would be foolish to say i "was" in love with you, and all of these things. Because i still am. Every hour, everyday. It hurts more than ever not having you here and i keep trying to remind myself of that bible verse that says "love is patient, love is kind..." because love may have patience but i am running out of it. It is so exhausting waiting here for you. My heart is sore and my eyes often get watery. I am being as patient as i can.

It feels so good to let go. Though the pain shot through my chest, though my hands were left red, though my cheeks were stained with tears, it felt so good to let go. When you left all the hurt left with you and as it poured out my feet left the ground. There was nothing holding me down. No words, no fears, no worries, no gravity once you left. I am flying without you. My heart is lighter than ever now that it doesn't have to hold you up. I can breathe deep breaths without my chest being pulled back in. I can finally look the clouds in the eyes and say "let it out." I've been walking among the stars and i can't believe i ever left.

"True love never did run smooth."* Nothing has ever run smooth, has it? Life is water with waves and tides and depths and no part of it has ever run smooth. Lines are blurred in this big blue ocean and nothing is ever certain. How can we be so sure when there is so much left unknown. Miles and miles and miles ahead are things we would never dream of. Miles of prose to be heard, miles of sky to be touched, miles of eyes never met, and miles of dreams to be made. They stretch out ahead of us but we can never see just past the horizon. I hope you are still here, just past my horizon.

Sharing my work with anyone besides my mother is a scary thing for me. Especially with someone like you. But you asked, and i protested, and you pleaded, and i read to you. I tried to read to you with a voice as confident and clear as i could but these feelings that i've put on paper are fragile things, they deserve quiet and slow. You deserve quiet and slow, orange and yellow, warmth and touch. You are a piece of work yourself, putting mine to shame. You sit there and you listen with your mouth shut yet you're speaking volumes. You are something beautiful who deserves beautiful words and i can try to give them to you. But nothing i write could ever encompass all that you are. I will still try. I will write, and i will read to you. Quiet and slow, in orange and yellow, with warmth and touch.

You’re fronting
Just like you always did

Just like you always acted so polite
And kind
And perfect

It was all a front

They can’t see it
But I see right through you

Through your oh so sincere words
And your sorry eyes

You mean nothing

All of your words are empty
They were always empty
Yet they made me feel so full

But that was long ago
When you gave me more than a
“hey, I hope you’re doing well”

So don’t tell me you’re sorry
When you don’t want to be forgiven

Don’t tell me you care
If you treat me like I was never a part of you

Don’t tell me you never meant to hurt me
If that’s exactly what you continue to do

You are not sorry

You do not care

You knew what you were doing

And now I’m full of things
That aren’t you

I’m filled with all of my happiness
The one thing you never took

And you’re full of ****

Feelings are rather peculiar, don’t you think?

How do these chemicals running through my body cause such real hurt and such pure joy?

Where do feelings take place anyhow?
Some may say in the brain
or in the heart

But when I feel
I feel everywhere

I feel happiness from the top of my head to the tip of my toes

I feel sadness turning in my chest and swelling in my eyes

I feel anger’s burning heat in my head, trying to find its way out my mouth

I feel excitement bouncing off the walls of my stomach

I feel angst rushing down my arms and my legs
making it hard to move

My feelings take place in my bones
they take place in my muscles and in my lungs

Oh do I look forward to the day the happiness is so great it illuminates and warms my whole being
But I also fear that someday the sadness or the anger may be so strong that it will leave me in a pile of dust

My feelings are felt everywhere
so please be careful with me

I just don't know how to love like that. I know soft love, the kind i have for my friends and my family. I know tough love, the kind i have for myself. I know passionate love, the kind i have for pens and paper and sweating. I know ***** love, the kind i had for those boys in my past. I know adoring love, the kind i have for my god and my precious dog. But clean, healthy, simple love... that is something i'm not familiar with. So please forgive me, although i've played the part, i'm not your love. I don't know how to love you, and i wish you could forget how to love me.

My eyes have seen too much pain and too much suffering. My ears have heard too many sobs and too many "it will be okay's." My heart has felt too many emotions and my body too many sympathetic hugs. Things are falling apart here. People are falling apart here. The best people I've ever known, forced to live under the scariest circumstances. Sometimes they don't live. Sometimes they're put out of their misery. But their pain isn't gone, only passed on to the people around them. Things are falling apart here. My heart is falling apart here. I hurt for the people that hurt and even more so for the people who have to watch them hurt. I have been in that place. I have been in those hospital rooms, feeling helpless. I have held hands as cold as ice and looked into eyes as distant as the stars. I have that hurt inside of me, hurting for everyone else around me. Things are falling apart here. The only thing you can do is hold yourself together.