We say "this is my life" like we actually believe its ours. Like we are the only ones who feel, like everyone else is an illusion. Because this is "our life," we are the only ones who feel and our mind is the only reality. This is everyone's life, every second that passes by is a little life. What makes you, or me, or him, so special that these little lives belong only to us? They belong to the universe, to the earth, to the animals, to nature, to each and every soul. It is not only your life, but everyone's, and everything's. With so much interdependence in this world, its the least we can do - to make each others little lives, a little bit more enjoyable.

These past few months I was different

Flipped upside down
Turned
Twisted
And a couple few miles from where I needed to be

My heart had been fooled
Led astray

I thought I knew what I wanted
I thought it was the right choice
I thought it was my choice

But I am only a child
Naïve and lusting for love

I wanted to be loved
I wanted to be wanted
And if that meant compromising everything I believed in
I didn’t mind

I jumped
I ran
And I skipped

It was great for a while
I was happy
But I was asleep

Sleep walking
Sleep running
Sleep loving

I was unaware where I was headed
But you held my hand and led me further
Making sure not to wake me

You thought I was going willingly

And when I showed signs of consciousness
Of realization

You ripped your hand from mine
Like a band-aid
That’s what it felt like

You looked me in my eyes and showed me what I didn’t want to see
And you were gone

I was 5 months away from myself
And you were back where you wanted to be

Now I walk this road alone
Searching for the pieces of me you took

My heart is not one half of a whole
I am whole on my own
I do not need anyone to complete me

But my heart does have one lonely hand
Looking for another to hold
And it will continue to look
Until it finds one that fits

Perfectly

You can't treat people the way you want to be treated. And you definitely cant love people the way you want to be loved. Because while you may want affection, others may want space. While you may want silence, others may want wisdom. While you may want gifts, others may prefer time. I think thats why so many relationships fail. You convince yourselves you just weren't meant for each other. None of us were made for another. We were made for ourselves. We have created this idea of "soul mates" because we feel incomplete. But each and every one of us has a heart that beats on its own. Lungs that take in air, eyes that see clearly, hands meant to move... on their own. Loving someone is not necessity, loving someone is luxury. Selfless luxury. It is a commitment and a choice. It takes work. Discover what language love speaks to them in, and sing them songs in it each day. We are capable of loving anyone, but we must first be willing to learn.

It’s about time I start loving myself

The scars that cover my body, making me look worn
The way my face wrinkles when i'm really smiling
My imperfect, pale skin that turns red from being in the sun too long
The waves and curls in my hair that never seem to cooperate
My tendency to laugh at things that aren’t at all funny
My desire to be different
The caring nature that I was blessed with
The passion that has been planted in my heart for the things I love

All of it

I am going to love every single aspect
Of my heart
Of my mind
And of my body

Because I am beautifully and wonderfully made
And it’s about **** time I start believing it

Treat me like somebody
I'm begging you

Nothing tears me apart
Like the way you treat me
Like I am nothing
To you
Anymore

Notice the hurt in my voice
Notice my shaking hands
Notice my fake smile
That you told me you didn't like as much as my real one
Notice me
Again

Because I cant take being nothing
To you
Anymore

The littlest things can push me over the edge. I need someone who will grab me by the waist and pull me back. Not someone who is telling me to jump, just to see if i would do it.

Please - you need to leave.
You need to go far away.
Fall away like leaves -
From my branch - and from my love.

You hold on too tight -
To what i don't have to give.
Your grip is too loose -
On everything thing that i offer.

I try to pull back -
Pull to break this connection.
When its nearly gone -
Is when you build it back up.

I am doing all the work -
I am so very tired -
Of this.

People have it all wrong. Books have it all wrong. The expectations are all wrong. Love is not a feeling of these insane highs and happiness beyond belief. What goes up must come down and I don’t think people realize that when they’re 10 feet above the clouds. There are gonna be valleys after your peaks and they feel much less than love. Love is more of a constant thing. Its comfort. It feels like pajamas and hot baths and your mom’s homemade mac and cheese. It’s a security blanket to hide under when the whole world is falling apart behind your eyes. It’s simple and warm and strong and every beautiful word under the sun and maybe even above it. Who knows? All I know is that I’m content with our ant hills of highs and our cracks in the side walk of lows and the smooth lines that walk between. I am comfortable in this constant love.

You cant just do that to people. You can't tell someone that you love them if the only love you've ever felt is for yourself and half dressed women. You cant tell someone you 'might' come back to make it easier for them top sleep at night, when you are just running farther and farther from them. You can't always assume you're right, especially when it comes to peoples feelings. You may dictate what people feel but you can never tell them what they're feeling or if they actually feel it. When i told you that you hurt me, with my eyes that could never make themselves look up at yours and the choking back of sobs in public places, you made me feel as though everything that hurt me was my fault. That i had forced you to take your hands and rip my heart right out of my chest. That i had somehow convinced you to take that same heart and rip right through it with your words or lack thereof. You cant just do that to people.  Oh but you can, and you did. You did it to me. And one day i hope, every piece of me that you hurt hopes, that someone does that to you too.

I have began to realize
Who i thought i wasn't
Is who my eyes see in the mirror
Like a distant cousin

I am but a small speck of dust
In this wondrous world
If only i could find some rest
To forget who i have found

It's refreshing, knowing you. Its a deep breath of air when you're smiling my way. Its a jump in the lake when you're holding me. It's a cool glass of water when you're talking to me, about important things, silly things, anything and everything. It feels like a breeze on the hottest day just to talk with you, laugh with you, be with you. You're something new to believe in, and your heartbeat has quickly become my religion. You're something so special, you're the first day of fall.

I wonder if you've stumbled across that letter. I wonder if each word made your heart jump and hit your rib cage, if your chest all of a sudden got heavy. I wonder if you let tears leave your eyes before you wipe them away. I wonder if your hands shake and your legs become weak even though you had been sitting all night. I wonder if the moon whispers you things like "she is" or "holding tight" or "blue eyes are blurry." I wonder if you listen to ed anymore. I wonder if you're writing, hoping to see my passion on the paper when you finish. I wonder who's hair you have on your pillow. I wonder how your mom is doing. I wonder if your skin crawls with the memory of my finger tips. I often wonder, because i hope you're wondering too.

Don’t compliment my appearance

Do not tell me that I am pretty
Do not tell me I’ve got the most beautiful eyes

Don’t

Those words mean nothing
Full of emptiness

How superficial you make me feel, telling me those things

Don’t you realize there is more to me than what meets the eye?

I am not just skin and bone
I am heart and soul

If you wish to make me feel good
If you wish to see that lovely smile

Tell me that you love the words that I write
Tell me that I am one of the most authentic individuals you have ever met
Tell me that I have an incredible sense of humor

Do not fall in love with this flesh and bone
Fall in love with this heart
And this soul

I have always wanted nothing but the best for you. But sometimes i have to want the best for me, so i'm sorry if i don't answer when you call. I'm sorry if you end up broken on the floor with no one to help you up. I'm sorry if you end up feeling humiliated for caring so much. I'm sorry if you hurt so bad some nights and all you need are my arms, but they wont hold you. I'm sorry if you can't stop seeing my face whenever you close your eyes and hearing my voice in your last seconds before sleep. I loved you so ******* much and you let that go. I hope you feel all the pain that i felt when you left. I'm off and on to better things.

Love the thing that hurts you. Recognize the thing that hurts you. Respect the thing that hurts you. The hurt can only be changed with compassion. You may look foolish, but you will not hurt any longer. I promise.

I really think we could do it. We could make it, we could go far. I want to make it, I want to get to that place eventually. I want to be there with you. I want to be there with you on a rainy day, sitting on our couch rolled up in blankets. But not too many, because you know I get warm. I want to be there with you dancing and singing and laughing the night away on the day we’ll say “I do.”  I want to be there with you in foreign places, traveling and experiencing new things together. I want to be there with you when you find your dream job to see the excitement and fulfillment on your face. I want to be there with you at every family get together, because meeting and being around the people you love and have made you who you are is such a blessing to me. I want to be there with you on Sunday mornings, whether we go out to breakfast or go to church; Sundays fill me with joy and I want to share that with you. I want to be there with you, by my side, raising the children we brought into this world. I want to be with you, for a really long time. I really think we could do it. I really think I could be there, with you.

Theres a lump in my throat
And i could not tell you why
Everything i seem to do
Is never enough to me

Every word i speak
And every move i make
Is wrong
Through these hazel eyes

So when you ask me
"Whats wrong?"
The only word that comes to mind is
"Me."

Time is moving so swiftly. It is so quickly gone, never to be had again. I spend my time wishing for the past, lusting for the future, and forgetting to appreciate the now. I found myself walking out to my dad’s car this morning, mumbling about how I can’t wait to get my license and never have to ride in that silly van again. Someday I will wish I could ride in that van again, talking college basketball with my young and healthy father. I often find myself wishing that I was a child again, that I still had my innocence and carefree spirit. But that is no longer me, and I have to learn to accept and live with the person I have become. There are so many “what ifs” and “I wishes” constantly running through my head. I cannot rush the future, nor can I relive the past. I have to be content with what I have now, because someday I will no longer have a future. I will only have death looming over me. I will only be able to look back on this life. I want to be able to look back on adventures, successes, achievements, and many memories made with the people I love. I do not want to look back on life only to see myself rushing through the motions or spending too much time reminiscing on the past. I want to live in the now. After all, the now may be all we have left.

I'm scared to say your name. I'm scared because it was real. The look my mom gives me when we pass your house is real. The letter i keep in my keep-safe box is real, palpable. The memories captured in pictures are real, although they seem like ghosts all these months later. The trust i had in you was real, more real than anything i'd ever known. What i gave to you was real, every breath exhaled into you, every gaze, every i love you, every thing i've ever written, every tear i've cried, was real. It only hurts when it's real. I hope by avoiding your name, the pictures, the letter, the poems, it will all become a little less real. That it will feel like none of it ever happened, so i can finally go on with my life without this constant aching in my chest and your name on the tip of my tongue.

Where are you, and why can i hear you? Why can i hear your words in my ears and feel your hands on mine and why can i feel you hesitantly coming closer? You move towards me while my left hand is begging you to back away and my right hand is motioning for you to come closer. You say things that i want to hear but im not sure if im willing to believe. I cant fall, i cant do this to myself again. So i stand gripping on to everything i've ever known. I hold close to my mother, my father, i hold close to their wisdom. I hold close to my passion, i hold close and it makes my heart overflow with love and fire and sore cheeks. I hold close to the friends that build me up like sand castles and make my stomach hurt from laughing. But i still feel myself slipping, and its the scariest feeling i've ever known... because i am often imagining things.

140 sunsets, 16,128,000 heartbeats, a few nights of crying myself to sleep, and many "i'm over it's" later and the memory of you is still everywhere. It still exists in my great, big, vast imagination and in the most obscure spots of my reality. No matter how much i try to take you out and erase you from every part of me, you stay. You stick. A permanent imprint on my heart, on my body, on my soul. I see you in every sunset, the reds and oranges and pinks remind me of fall, they remind me of september and sundays and the blood dripping from my bottom lip. I remember when we would lay down together, you would sleep and i would hold you. I would twirl my fingers in your hair and look at your chest, rising and falling. I would try to match your breaths, to slow down my heart and match yours. To move together. Sometimes i wonder if the drumming in your chest still matches mine, i really hope it does. On the nights filled with sobs and tears, i would talk to you. Through the dark i whispered to you, a couple miles across the bed. "I miss you. let me come see you, tell me you love me (even if you dont) cause i still love you." It may seem silly, but if you felt your heart jump or your stomach sink on a late night in march, it was my words finally reaching you. And with all of the anger that had built up in me, please don't think any of it was directed at you. Harsh words may have left my lips, but trust me, only feelings of love resided in my chest for you. I was angry at fate, at myself, at every person and thing that wedged it's way between us. I was angry at everything but you, it was just too difficult to explain. You are still here, despite the months that have passed. They say time heals everything, but your memory is here to stay.

Getting to know yourself is more than just a, "whats my likes, what's my dislikes? what's my name, where am I from, and what do I want?" It's traveling and finding a place that feels like home, where the gravity pulls a bit stronger and the sun shines a bit brighter. It's being alone listening to the silence and thinking, "This is me. These are my thoughts, no one else's." It's realizing that you are made from the same things of this earth but your soul is of something more than substance. It's saying things without thinking, because those words are a raw reflection of your heart. You are so many things that you have yet to discover. Let yourself speak to you.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately
I’ve been thinking about life
who I am
what I want to do
my passion
and my purpose

It’s all a bit overwhelming
I know I’m young and I shouldn’t have all this figured out yet
but not knowing bothers me
I need to have a plan
I need to know what I’m working for
and I don’t know
I have no idea

That terrifies me

I like to act like I have it all figured out when asked
but in reality I have no clue

I don’t even know who I am
Not really
I mean what defines who you are?
I know it’s not your name
or what you look like
so what is it?

The concept of “me” is so hard for me to wrap my mind around

It’s such a weird feeling
not knowing who you are
It makes you feel boring
like there’s not much to you

But I know there is so much more to me than I can see
I just need to climb deep into my mind and truly know myself
I just need to find ways to reveal parts of who I am

I need to do things I enjoy
find my passion
discover my talents
and use them for the benefit of others

That’s all I really want to do
Do things that make me happy
and help others in the process

But I feel as though my life is already so structured and time is so limited that I won’t have time to do the things I want to do
and the things others expect me to do

I go to high school
then college
and then I start my career
soon after get married and start a family

That all sounds great to me

But where does traveling fit into that plan?
Where do year long mission trips fit into that plan?
Where do summers spent in little towns on the coast doing nothing but enjoying this beautiful earth god has placed me on
fit into that plan?

How can I step out of my comfort zone and experience new things
if I’m stuck doing the same ole same ole?

If I could somehow fit all of this into my one lifetime
which I’m sure is possible
that would be fantastic

But I just feel like there isn’t enough time

I don’t want to spend my life going through the same stages as everyone else
I don’t want to be stuck at a job I hate
I don’t want to go through countless hours of lectures and studying

I want to go out and enjoy this big breath taking place the human race calls home
I want to meet new people
see new things
try new foods
and just embrace the awesomeness of this earth and everyone in it

I want to help people
find the less fortunate and make a change in their life
I want to bring light and hope to people who need it the most
I want to make this world a better place
I want to feel as though I can make a difference

After all, we only live once

Why would I spend my one life going through the motions that other people have established as “normal” and “successful”?

I am not other people
I am my own person
and even though I’m not completely sure who that is yet
I know my person wants to be different

And hopefully
by being different and doing a different thing
I can truly find myself along the way

I don’t think I could tell you how much I miss you right now
How much I miss you all of the time, actually

It’s kind of pathetic how much I still think about you
How much I still think about us

Even when you’re not on my mind
My heart still aches with the memory of you

I hear about you all the time
And you seem to be doing well

You’ve got big things ahead of you
I’m so glad

I would say I’m so proud of you
But you’re not really mine to be proud of anymore

I see your smile a lot

When I pass you in the halls
When I scroll through all of the pictures I never deleted
When I shut my eyes

Nothing lights me up like that smile
Please keep that smile

I still feel your touch

Your hands on my hips
Your teeth on my lip

My god

Where did I go wrong
What did I do to make you leave
Why don’t you love me anymore

Why aren't you here

Right here

With me

I can't help but laugh when i think of you. You had a great sense of humor but i'm no longer laughing with you. I'm laughing at you, and at myself. I laugh because i settled for someone like you, and i laugh because you let me slip through your fingers. I laugh because success is the sweetest revenge and that's exactly what i'll be getting.

I want to feel the tips of your fingers dancing lightly on my back. I want to feel your chest pressed to mine, skin warm and refusing to let go. I want to leave my mark on your neck and along your collarbone. I want to get my fingers tangled in your hair while i take your bottom lip between my teeth. I want to wrap my legs around your waist and show you just how much i've been missing you, just how much i've been wanting this, just how much i've been needing you. Its been forever since i've felt anything and i want to feel you.

I am content with the thought of your fingers brushing my skin and words whispered in my ear. It could be enough for me. I am content with the awkward exchanges and mouths that never say what needs to be heard. It could be enough for me. I am content with the eyes you give me from across a room and the flutters in my stomach when things feel like September again. It could be enough for me. Just know that my heart is settling. My head has begun to speak over my heart and that is how i wound up here, being content. My heart just wants to feel close to yours again. Chest to chest both beating, speaking words to each other that would never come from our mouths. I have been talking to myself for months now. Everything my heart feels and thinks and wants it has kept to itself, in hopes that you'd be back to hear these stories. So lay me down, share your soul, show me love. Be here with me. With you. It's us. My heart will never be content unless its us.

I’m happy without you
But I would be much happier
With you here

Please come back

I want to feel the butterflies
I want the constant aching to leave

Please come back to me

I am so sick of writing about you.