I woke up to watercolors on my ceiling. And I knew today was gonna be a good day. The conversation I had had with myself the previous night rang in my head like echos from the moment consciousness scooped me up in its gentle hands. Things had been shaken, things had been settled, and I now felt weighted with sweet comfort. Sun shone through my blinds in rows, and I felt myself recognizing every piece of dust with a smile, as they danced around in the golden light. I had seen it many times before, the light coming in my window, but today I was fascinated. It was new. And I knew today was gonna be a good day. After a few minutes of laying there, I decided it was time to get up. Not because an alarm went off, or I had somewhere to be, but because I wanted to. The windows in my kitchen greeted me with views of a neutral blue sky and clouds that seemed to do as they pleased after a long night of rain. Grass looked greener and so did the trees. The river could be heard even from up here on the hill. Everything seemed more alive than yesterday. And I knew today was gonna be a good day. I grabbed my favorite mug from out of the cupboard and made myself a cup of tea. It felt like a chamomile morning. As I stood at the counter waiting for it to brew, I felt my dog nudge my heel with her nose and lean against me as she moved past me to her favorite spot in front of the heater. My heart twitched. She is my favorite “Good Morning.” And I knew today was gonna be a good day. With my tea and a blanket in hand, I went to sit outside on the porch swing. Not because there was someone to sit with, or because it was warm, but because I wanted to. It was a cool morning and the air smelled of damp earth. That is my favorite smell. With no wind the air hung and pressed against my warm skin, sharing memories of all the places it's been. In the lungs of my favorite musicians, in the presence of the most talented writers, to places around the globe that I have yet to explore. We shared and we wondered and we loved and suddenly the wind blew and I no longer had anyone to talk to. I didn’t mind. I knew today was gonna be a good day. I sat there on top of the hill, feeling like I was on top of the world, and I admired this life for what it is. Not for how I’ve been told it’s supposed to be.

The hurt you left me doesn't lie,
And all the feelings till late july.
Everything that you had said to me,
Got you farther and farther out to sea.

Between your quick tongue and wicked intentions,
There were some things that i forgot to mention.
I knew all the games you were playing,
Yet i always had decided on staying.

You can say that you loved me,
That you treated me well.
I guess the pain you caused was subconsciously.
But seriously, go to hell.

It's refreshing, knowing you. Its a deep breath of air when you're smiling my way. Its a jump in the lake when you're holding me. It's a cool glass of water when you're talking to me, about important things, silly things, anything and everything. It feels like a breeze on the hottest day just to talk with you, laugh with you, be with you. You're something new to believe in, and your heartbeat has quickly become my religion. You're something so special, you're the first day of fall.

It's been weeks, maybe months, im not all that sure. I've been going through the motions, trying to distract myself, **** my tears in, paint the corners of my mouth up to my cheeks. Trying to look strong, independent, trying to look just fine. Because that's how i've pictured you. When i see you, which is only in my head anymore, i see you with a big smile and both hands full of joy. I see your eyes even bluer since the last time i looked into them, I see your hair with the ghost of my fingers twirled in between. I see you, happier, more care free than ever. You look free. Free of me. I hope i look free of you. I hope i make it seem like i'm okay with the fact that you're not here anymore. I hope you don't see right through me. I hope i'm fooling everyone.

If i would've tried,
Would you've stayed?
That's a wonder of mine,
That keeps wasting my time.

If i would've said it,
Could you comprehend it?
I can't believe i didn't say,
And instead let it eat me away.

If i told you i hated you,
Would you ever believe it?
It's a dangerous affair,
When both feelings are there.

It's something i can't change,
So i will stop the nostalgia.
And instead of feeling it's you that i lack,
I hope and I pray that you never come back.

I look forward to the day i can look back on this and smile. Smile like i used to. I see myself in those photographs and i can't help but notice that i don't look, or feel, the same.  The roses are gone, along with the wrinkles and flames. And i feel flat; Like a paper person. Every step i take and every move i make i am worried about tearing. "It could tear me, he could tear me, this could tear me." I can't do anything anymore without thinking, "is this gonna hurt me?" And that's because the thing i never thought would bring any harm to me, did. He did. And he brought a lot of it. I've lost the person i was in loving him. In the pain, in the joy, in the passion. I look forward to the day i find her (me). I look forward to the day the roses return to my cheeks, as well as the wrinkles to my nose and the flames to my eyes. And i can look back on this, and smile.

I'm at a point of peace.
This life i am creating-
Feels like a masterpiece.

With every second,
I can recognize a blessing.

Although it is far from perfect,
I have become a proud architect.

I miss you here
I miss you there
I miss those sweet sounds in my ear

And I miss you there
I miss you here
I miss my fingers in your hair

my heart, it aches
And longs
For your your embrace

So I miss you now
I miss you then
I miss the long nights in that bed

Who else have you made bleed?
I found the pleasure in the pain
Although i knew i was never a "need"

I miss you then
I miss you now
Where on earth
Have you ran to
Anyhow?

140 sunsets, 16,128,000 heartbeats, a few nights of crying myself to sleep, and many "i'm over it's" later and the memory of you is still everywhere. It still exists in my great, big, vast imagination and in the most obscure spots of my reality. No matter how much i try to take you out and erase you from every part of me, you stay. You stick. A permanent imprint on my heart, on my body, on my soul. I see you in every sunset, the reds and oranges and pinks remind me of fall, they remind me of september and sundays and the blood dripping from my bottom lip. I remember when we would lay down together, you would sleep and i would hold you. I would twirl my fingers in your hair and look at your chest, rising and falling. I would try to match your breaths, to slow down my heart and match yours. To move together. Sometimes i wonder if the drumming in your chest still matches mine, i really hope it does. On the nights filled with sobs and tears, i would talk to you. Through the dark i whispered to you, a couple miles across the bed. "I miss you. let me come see you, tell me you love me (even if you dont) cause i still love you." It may seem silly, but if you felt your heart jump or your stomach sink on a late night in march, it was my words finally reaching you. And with all of the anger that had built up in me, please don't think any of it was directed at you. Harsh words may have left my lips, but trust me, only feelings of love resided in my chest for you. I was angry at fate, at myself, at every person and thing that wedged it's way between us. I was angry at everything but you, it was just too difficult to explain. You are still here, despite the months that have passed. They say time heals everything, but your memory is here to stay.

I'm scared to say your name. I'm scared because it was real. The look my mom gives me when we pass your house is real. The letter i keep in my keep-safe box is real, palpable. The memories captured in pictures are real, although they seem like ghosts all these months later. The trust i had in you was real, more real than anything i'd ever known. What i gave to you was real, every breath exhaled into you, every gaze, every i love you, every thing i've ever written, every tear i've cried, was real. It only hurts when it's real. I hope by avoiding your name, the pictures, the letter, the poems, it will all become a little less real. That it will feel like none of it ever happened, so i can finally go on with my life without this constant aching in my chest and your name on the tip of my tongue.

Where are you, and why can i hear you? Why can i hear your words in my ears and feel your hands on mine and why can i feel you hesitantly coming closer? You move towards me while my left hand is begging you to back away and my right hand is motioning for you to come closer. You say things that i want to hear but im not sure if im willing to believe. I cant fall, i cant do this to myself again. So i stand gripping on to everything i've ever known. I hold close to my mother, my father, i hold close to their wisdom. I hold close to my passion, i hold close and it makes my heart overflow with love and fire and sore cheeks. I hold close to the friends that build me up like sand castles and make my stomach hurt from laughing. But i still feel myself slipping, and its the scariest feeling i've ever known... because i am often imagining things.

I wonder if you've stumbled across that letter. I wonder if each word made your heart jump and hit your rib cage, if your chest all of a sudden got heavy. I wonder if you let tears leave your eyes before you wipe them away. I wonder if your hands shake and your legs become weak even though you had been sitting all night. I wonder if the moon whispers you things like "she is" or "holding tight" or "blue eyes are blurry." I wonder if you listen to ed anymore. I wonder if you're writing, hoping to see my passion on the paper when you finish. I wonder who's hair you have on your pillow. I wonder how your mom is doing. I wonder if your skin crawls with the memory of my finger tips. I often wonder, because i hope you're wondering too.

I just don't know how to love like that. I know soft love, the kind i have for my friends and my family. I know tough love, the kind i have for myself. I know passionate love, the kind i have for pens and paper and sweating. I know ***** love, the kind i had for those boys in my past. I know adoring love, the kind i have for my god and my precious dog. But clean, healthy, simple love... that is something i'm not familiar with. So please forgive me, although i've played the part, i'm not your love. I don't know how to love you, and i wish you could forget how to love me.

We say "this is my life" like we actually believe its ours. Like we are the only ones who feel, like everyone else is an illusion. Because this is "our life," we are the only ones who feel and our mind is the only reality. This is everyone's life, every second that passes by is a little life. What makes you, or me, or him, so special that these little lives belong only to us? They belong to the universe, to the earth, to the animals, to nature, to each and every soul. It is not only your life, but everyone's, and everything's. With so much interdependence in this world, its the least we can do - to make each others little lives, a little bit more enjoyable.

I want to feel the tips of your fingers dancing lightly on my back. I want to feel your chest pressed to mine, skin warm and refusing to let go. I want to leave my mark on your neck and along your collarbone. I want to get my fingers tangled in your hair while i take your bottom lip between my teeth. I want to wrap my legs around your waist and show you just how much i've been missing you, just how much i've been wanting this, just how much i've been needing you. Its been forever since i've felt anything and i want to feel you.

You woke up that morning and decided that it just didn't feel the same. My eyes didn't light up like they used to, my smile had lost it's width. My words lacked sincerity and my affection was scarce. But what did you expect? You left with my heart still gripping onto yours, having ripped it right out of my chest. You walked away with broken promises, loose ends, and all of my secrets. Why would you have ever asked me to love you like before? Only someone so naive would think that to be possible. Hurt changes a person, it changed me. I had the choice to sink or swim, and i chose to fly. I did loops around the clouds, i walked on the spikes of the sun. All the while i began to love again, especially myself. You would never get that same amount of love back, because things had changed. I had changed. Of course things didn't feel the same.

Another year in your life, another 12 months your heart has been beating. Another 365 days your lungs have been taking in air. I hope you have lived so much that your heart skipped beats, and your lungs lost their breath. I hope you did so much living that your organs couldn't quite keep up with you. I hope your heart swelled with love and that you always reached for the stars. I hope you smiled every chance you got and that you were able to jump out of your comfort zone. I hope you made memories to be remembered for a lifetime and that you touched the lives of others. I hope you do even more living this coming year. I know there are big things waiting for you at 27, and i can't wait to see all the beautiful things god has in store for you. I hope you embrace each and every one of them, and truly live.

I can't help but laugh when i think of you. You had a great sense of humor but i'm no longer laughing with you. I'm laughing at you, and at myself. I laugh because i settled for someone like you, and i laugh because you let me slip through your fingers. I laugh because success is the sweetest revenge and that's exactly what i'll be getting.

We got news today. The kind that makes tears bob in your eyes and your lips quiver on the edge of a scream. But that's all that happened, the tears never fell, the scream never sounded. Something held me together when i desperately wanted to fall apart. I wanted to cry, scream, feel something. Just feel something. Every part of me wanted to be upset and get down but my spirits lifted higher and higher, about 4 inches away from heaven. I felt an embrace and love and reassurance and i felt my worries fall down, never to be seen again. I felt God and now i feel nothing less than peace and happiness.

The smell of rain reminds me of you, along with this little town i call home and porch swings. Wildflowers remind me of you and so does the crackling of a bonfire. The color blue, like the blue you see in the water during sunset, reminds me of you. Coloring books, sweet candles, hot tea, the stars above my bedroom window, it all reminds me of you. I feel ties to you in ways i have no explanation for. I only know i feel this constant pull towards you, a tug on my heart. You remind me of a past life and a past love, someone who i once was. You remind me of all the beautiful, sweet, soft spoken things life has to offer but are so difficult to collect. I once had them all, and that was when i had you.

"Never let anyone convince you that our god isn't good." That's what my aunt said to me today, laying in a hospital bed. Her hair is falling like leaves and her skin as pale as snow yet she still has this warmth in her eyes and shining through her smile. That's god in her. I grab her hands in mine and i feel his presence flowing through her fingers. He is with her, in her, around her, because he is a good god. He takes each step with her, he whispers words of comfort through the breeze. He holds her in a warm embrace each night. Through every trial she is able to shine for him, because he is with her. She is a living testimony to how good our god is. I will never forget those words.

It feels so good to let go. Though the pain shot through my chest, though my hands were left red, though my cheeks were stained with tears, it felt so good to let go. When you left all the hurt left with you and as it poured out my feet left the ground. There was nothing holding me down. No words, no fears, no worries, no gravity once you left. I am flying without you. My heart is lighter than ever now that it doesn't have to hold you up. I can breathe deep breaths without my chest being pulled back in. I can finally look the clouds in the eyes and say "let it out." I've been walking among the stars and i can't believe i ever left.

People have it all wrong. Books have it all wrong. The expectations are all wrong. Love is not a feeling of these insane highs and happiness beyond belief. What goes up must come down and I don’t think people realize that when they’re 10 feet above the clouds. There are gonna be valleys after your peaks and they feel much less than love. Love is more of a constant thing. Its comfort. It feels like pajamas and hot baths and your mom’s homemade mac and cheese. It’s a security blanket to hide under when the whole world is falling apart behind your eyes. It’s simple and warm and strong and every beautiful word under the sun and maybe even above it. Who knows? All I know is that I’m content with our ant hills of highs and our cracks in the side walk of lows and the smooth lines that walk between. I am comfortable in this constant love.

You can't treat people the way you want to be treated. And you definitely cant love people the way you want to be loved. Because while you may want affection, others may want space. While you may want silence, others may want wisdom. While you may want gifts, others may prefer time. I think thats why so many relationships fail. You convince yourselves you just weren't meant for each other. None of us were made for another. We were made for ourselves. We have created this idea of "soul mates" because we feel incomplete. But each and every one of us has a heart that beats on its own. Lungs that take in air, eyes that see clearly, hands meant to move... on their own. Loving someone is not necessity, loving someone is luxury. Selfless luxury. It is a commitment and a choice. It takes work. Discover what language love speaks to them in, and sing them songs in it each day. We are capable of loving anyone, but we must first be willing to learn.

"True love never did run smooth."* Nothing has ever run smooth, has it? Life is water with waves and tides and depths and no part of it has ever run smooth. Lines are blurred in this big blue ocean and nothing is ever certain. How can we be so sure when there is so much left unknown. Miles and miles and miles ahead are things we would never dream of. Miles of prose to be heard, miles of sky to be touched, miles of eyes never met, and miles of dreams to be made. They stretch out ahead of us but we can never see just past the horizon. I hope you are still here, just past my horizon.

And i have always been a happy person. You look up synonyms for the word "happy" and you get results like, carefree, and lighthearted, but that is definitely not me. I'm happy, but my heart stays heavy and my head filled with cares. I stay up for so long that when i come down, i come down hard. I come down with weights tied to my feet and the feeling of falling has always terrified me. I come down with these thoughts that i can't seem to shake and they play over and over in my head like a broken record. I become a person that i don't like, one that i dont recognize.  It makes me wonder if that's who i really am, underneath it all. That's what terrifies me the most, and that is why i get back up again.

Theres a lump in my throat
And i could not tell you why
Everything i seem to do
Is never enough to me

Every word i speak
And every move i make
Is wrong
Through these hazel eyes

So when you ask me
"Whats wrong?"
The only word that comes to mind is
"Me."

My eyes have seen too much pain and too much suffering. My ears have heard too many sobs and too many "it will be okay's." My heart has felt too many emotions and my body too many sympathetic hugs. Things are falling apart here. People are falling apart here. The best people I've ever known, forced to live under the scariest circumstances. Sometimes they don't live. Sometimes they're put out of their misery. But their pain isn't gone, only passed on to the people around them. Things are falling apart here. My heart is falling apart here. I hurt for the people that hurt and even more so for the people who have to watch them hurt. I have been in that place. I have been in those hospital rooms, feeling helpless. I have held hands as cold as ice and looked into eyes as distant as the stars. I have that hurt inside of me, hurting for everyone else around me. Things are falling apart here. The only thing you can do is hold yourself together.

The littlest things can push me over the edge. I need someone who will grab me by the waist and pull me back. Not someone who is telling me to jump, just to see if i would do it.

I really think we could do it. We could make it, we could go far. I want to make it, I want to get to that place eventually. I want to be there with you. I want to be there with you on a rainy day, sitting on our couch rolled up in blankets. But not too many, because you know I get warm. I want to be there with you dancing and singing and laughing the night away on the day we’ll say “I do.”  I want to be there with you in foreign places, traveling and experiencing new things together. I want to be there with you when you find your dream job to see the excitement and fulfillment on your face. I want to be there with you at every family get together, because meeting and being around the people you love and have made you who you are is such a blessing to me. I want to be there with you on Sunday mornings, whether we go out to breakfast or go to church; Sundays fill me with joy and I want to share that with you. I want to be there with you, by my side, raising the children we brought into this world. I want to be with you, for a really long time. I really think we could do it. I really think I could be there, with you.

Sharing my work with anyone besides my mother is a scary thing for me. Especially with someone like you. But you asked, and i protested, and you pleaded, and i read to you. I tried to read to you with a voice as confident and clear as i could but these feelings that i've put on paper are fragile things, they deserve quiet and slow. You deserve quiet and slow, orange and yellow, warmth and touch. You are a piece of work yourself, putting mine to shame. You sit there and you listen with your mouth shut yet you're speaking volumes. You are something beautiful who deserves beautiful words and i can try to give them to you. But nothing i write could ever encompass all that you are. I will still try. I will write, and i will read to you. Quiet and slow, in orange and yellow, with warmth and touch.

I am content with the thought of your fingers brushing my skin and words whispered in my ear. It could be enough for me. I am content with the awkward exchanges and mouths that never say what needs to be heard. It could be enough for me. I am content with the eyes you give me from across a room and the flutters in my stomach when things feel like September again. It could be enough for me. Just know that my heart is settling. My head has begun to speak over my heart and that is how i wound up here, being content. My heart just wants to feel close to yours again. Chest to chest both beating, speaking words to each other that would never come from our mouths. I have been talking to myself for months now. Everything my heart feels and thinks and wants it has kept to itself, in hopes that you'd be back to hear these stories. So lay me down, share your soul, show me love. Be here with me. With you. It's us. My heart will never be content unless its us.

I am lonely tonight.
My mind sits on frayed ropes and wearing wires -
And right to the right -
Sits my heart, sounding of empty choirs.

It's not always quiet.
It used to sing of light and blue and full-
I may be biased -
But it was breathtaking, filled with such soul.

My mind sits on wires.
Which may or may not be there when i wake -
Below there are fires -
My hope may burn, but my soul it wont take.

I may be lonely tonight -
But i am still here.
Right to the right sits my heart -
And i know the music will eventually reach my ears.

Please - you need to leave.
You need to go far away.
Fall away like leaves -
From my branch - and from my love.

You hold on too tight -
To what i don't have to give.
Your grip is too loose -
On everything thing that i offer.

I try to pull back -
Pull to break this connection.
When its nearly gone -
Is when you build it back up.

I am doing all the work -
I am so very tired -
Of this.

Getting to know yourself is more than just a, "whats my likes, what's my dislikes? what's my name, where am I from, and what do I want?" It's traveling and finding a place that feels like home, where the gravity pulls a bit stronger and the sun shines a bit brighter. It's being alone listening to the silence and thinking, "This is me. These are my thoughts, no one else's." It's realizing that you are made from the same things of this earth but your soul is of something more than substance. It's saying things without thinking, because those words are a raw reflection of your heart. You are so many things that you have yet to discover. Let yourself speak to you.

I have began to realize
Who i thought i wasn't
Is who my eyes see in the mirror
Like a distant cousin

I am but a small speck of dust
In this wondrous world
If only i could find some rest
To forget who i have found

It's difficult to forget you. As much as i want to and as much as i tell myself i hate you, there's no denying i am still crazy in love with you. Im in love with the way your hair curls and the way it feels in between my fingers. Im in love with the feeling of your heartbeat on mine and knowing that this is real, that we are alive, with eachother, for a reason. Im in love with your smile and the way it lifted my heart on some of my roughest days. Im in love with your humor and your kind soul, the way you treat others and talk about the world takes my breath away. It would be foolish to say i "was" in love with you, and all of these things. Because i still am. Every hour, everyday. It hurts more than ever not having you here and i keep trying to remind myself of that bible verse that says "love is patient, love is kind..." because love may have patience but i am running out of it. It is so exhausting waiting here for you. My heart is sore and my eyes often get watery. I am being as patient as i can.

I like to convince myself that you didn't know what you were doing. That you had no idea when you said goodbye that i was going to hang onto every letter, every syllable, every wave of emotion coming from that very word for months and months to come. I like to think that. And hope. And really just wish that you hadn't known, because deep down inside i knew you did. You knew. You knew how bad this was gonna hurt me, because you'd seen me get hurt over the littlest things, and some bigger things too. You knew this was gonna be the biggest. You always said you loved me, that you were thankful for me and you cared. But were were you when i became a little less lovable, a little less of the things you were thankful for, and a little less of myself? You ran, you always ran. From me, from your problems, from your future, and from responsibility. I hope you stop running. And i hope that you can admit to yourself that you lied, because you don't intentionally hurt the people you care about. You just never cared about me.

You cant just do that to people. You can't tell someone that you love them if the only love you've ever felt is for yourself and half dressed women. You cant tell someone you 'might' come back to make it easier for them top sleep at night, when you are just running farther and farther from them. You can't always assume you're right, especially when it comes to peoples feelings. You may dictate what people feel but you can never tell them what they're feeling or if they actually feel it. When i told you that you hurt me, with my eyes that could never make themselves look up at yours and the choking back of sobs in public places, you made me feel as though everything that hurt me was my fault. That i had forced you to take your hands and rip my heart right out of my chest. That i had somehow convinced you to take that same heart and rip right through it with your words or lack thereof. You cant just do that to people.  Oh but you can, and you did. You did it to me. And one day i hope, every piece of me that you hurt hopes, that someone does that to you too.

The people around you play a huge part in making you, you. There are pieces of every soul you've ever loved inside of you. You have collected all of these qualities that have been passed down since the beginning of humanity. Oh, what wonderful hand-me-downs. They know where they have come from, with a long list of initials written down their backs. How awesome is it that you have the ability to be all of these things that the people you love, love? Pieces of me in other people and pieces of other people in me. How breathtaking it would be to see all of the people you have influenced, with big pieces of your self or small slivers. How incredible it would be if you could see all of the people who have come together to build up this person you are today. I'm a person of many different people, and it will never make me any less of a me. Never should you be made feel as if you are any less of a you.

I have always wanted nothing but the best for you. But sometimes i have to want the best for me, so i'm sorry if i don't answer when you call. I'm sorry if you end up broken on the floor with no one to help you up. I'm sorry if you end up feeling humiliated for caring so much. I'm sorry if you hurt so bad some nights and all you need are my arms, but they wont hold you. I'm sorry if you can't stop seeing my face whenever you close your eyes and hearing my voice in your last seconds before sleep. I loved you so ******* much and you let that go. I hope you feel all the pain that i felt when you left. I'm off and on to better things.

As much as i wish it was, it's just not that easy to forget you. As much as i wish you were, you're not coming back. As much as i wish i was still the one you loved talking to at the end of a long day, i'm not. As much as i wish i could change whatever it was about myself that made you leave, i cant. Wishes and wishes and more wishes fill me up and i cant help but wonder if they'll ever come true or if they are just taking up the space i should be filling with reality. I have so many wishes that I've started to create this other world in my mind where i love me and you love me so that it doesn't hurt so bad getting out of bed in the morning. I have so many wishes that the heavens cant keep up with sending shooting stars my way and i end up sitting on my deck screaming "more" at the top of my lungs. But don't you worry about me. I'll keep wishing, and you'll keep living.

I like to think of my body as a jewelry box. After all, it does contain my heart of gold.

You’ve got to find your happiness.

Happiness is stubborn,
It does not want to be found.

It will not come to you in the form of a sweet boy with big brown eyes.
It will not come to you in the form of money.
It will not come to you in the form of possessions.
It will not come to you, at all.

But if you search for it,
It will never be found.

The only way to find this thing you long for
Is to be other’s happiness.
Even if it is only for a second.

Share a smile with a stranger.
Hold the door for people, no matter how many keep coming.
Give up something of yours to someone less fortunate.
It may not be all that great to you,
But it will be beyond special to them.

Just be a decent person and do some decent things.
It is a pity that simple things like these have become out of the ordinary,
I guess it just makes them all the more special.

The smiles that these simple acts of kindness bring,
Is where you will find your happiness.

About five months ago
I couldn’t imagine life without you

I looked at you as the greatest thing to have happened to me

I looked at you through my young, innocent eyes
And i never would have thought
Even for a second
That you could bring any harm to me

You had me blinded
Totally oblivious to the fact that this love was not at all what it seemed

I have held on for so long
Hoping and wishing
That things would change

I thought that if I just kept trying
Just kept giving my all
That we would be okay
That you would always be by my side
That our love would grow stronger

I thought wrong

You see, in the past few weeks
I have allowed myself to realized some things
I have stopped defending you from my own thoughts
I have let my instincts take over
And they have told me all I need to know

You never loved me as you said you did
You may have loved me
But you never loved the parts of me that mattered

You did nothing but leave bruises
On my confidence
On my trust
On my heart

This love is toxic, causing nothing but damage

It feels so good to say
I don’t want it anymore

I do not need someone who doesn’t need me
I do not need someone who dismisses my feelings
I do not need someone who isn’t completely in love with every single part of my soul
I do not need someone who gives me half of the effort I give them

I do not need you

You are not my happiness as you once were
You are only someone who has taught me a few great lessons

I will never again allow myself to be taken advantage of
I will never again let down my walls for someone without knowing their intentions
I will never again listen to words I know are lies, and continue to stick around

Never again

The ideas of people around me have been drilled into my head from when I was young

They were forced upon me and I had no idea there were other ways of seeing things

I would get so angry seeing people
Drink
Smoke
Be openly homosexual
Anything I had been told was wrong

But as I’ve gotten older
I’ve realized things aren’t always black and white
Some things are undoubtedly gray to me

I have formed many of my own opinions

As I try to express my views time and time again
I am told I don’t know what I’m talking about
I’m young
I can’t possibly have my own way of looking at things
That is not allowed

They need to realize I’m not the same little kid anymore
I’m not as naïve or easily convinced

I am a young individual
Who has seen my fair share in my short time on earth

It is natural for my beliefs to change as I continue to grow
Things are constantly changing
And that is okay

It is not okay for them to make me feel as though my thoughts are irrelevant

I do not need to believe everything they tell me

And neither do you

Be your own person

Think your own thoughts
You are not meant to think the same as everyone else

Please, please remember that

Showing emotion does not make me weak
Being scared does not make me immature

Don’t you dare try to tell me that I am “weak minded”
Don’t you dare try to make me feel like these things are my fault

Do you think I asked to feel everything so deeply?
Do you think I asked to be put in these situations?

You say I keep things too bottled up
That it annoys you
That you’re sick of it

I say “im sorry”

I cannot help these voices in my head
Telling me no one cares
That I would only be burdening others with my problems
I cannot help fearing that these things are true

I am not sorry for how I am

I am sorry that you feel the need to criticize
And pick
At everything I am

I am the one who should be annoyed
I am the one who should be sick of it

You seem to think
That the way you see and do things
Is the only way

I am not the one who is “weak minded”
That, would be you

It’s about time I start loving myself

The scars that cover my body, making me look worn
The way my face wrinkles when i'm really smiling
My imperfect, pale skin that turns red from being in the sun too long
The waves and curls in my hair that never seem to cooperate
My tendency to laugh at things that aren’t at all funny
My desire to be different
The caring nature that I was blessed with
The passion that has been planted in my heart for the things I love

All of it

I am going to love every single aspect
Of my heart
Of my mind
And of my body

Because I am beautifully and wonderfully made
And it’s about **** time I start believing it

I think what hurts the most is the promises. The promises that you made me, the promises that I made you, and all the promises that come with knowing someones secrets. Promises are dangerous, because if they aren't kept the word "promise" loses its meaning entirely. Then what can you say? "I mean it?" "I'll follow through with what I said?" "I wont let you down?" You could, but they are just synonyms. You change the words, but you cant change the meaning, making them just as dangerous. Lets make a rule, a number one rule that everyone has to follow. The rule is, do not make a promise unless you will be able to fulfill it. Easy. Can you imagine how many hearts that would save from breaking?

Don't let people love you for the wrong reasons. Do not let someone love you because of how much you have. Do not let someone love you because of your physical appearance. Do not let someone love you because you both are feeling lonely. It is not a type of love you want. It is a love that will fill you for the time being, but will leave you feeling emptier than ever. It is a love that puts a voice in your head whispering, "love is all the same." This love is a love that is the farthest thing from what love actually is. Real love will not burn your throat 6 months later. Real love will not leave you gasping for air through the sobs. Real love will not be hard to leave behind. Real love fills you and it feels like nothing could ever make you empty. When the person who gives you this love leaves, it will more sweet than bitter. You got to be a part of them. You loved them. They loved you. Wow. What a wonderful thing you got to experience. Real love is nothing but love. Love should not cause pain. And if it does, it is not the love you want.