Love the thing that hurts you. Recognize the thing that hurts you. Respect the thing that hurts you. The hurt can only be changed with compassion. You may look foolish, but you will not hurt any longer. I promise.

I am so sick of writing about you.

i. Someone with the sweetest words and the most sincere smile can have the worst intentions. Be careful who you let into your life, some people will take what they need and move on without a second thought. You deserve more.

ii. Never let anyone cause you to compromise what you believe in. It may not feel like a big deal at the time, but after they leave and you are you again, you will regret it. So slow down, think about what you’re doing, think about your morals, and if they don’t line up, don’t do it. If they can’t respect your decisions, then leave. It is as simple as that.

iii. There will be people in your life that will just up and leave you. You won’t get an explanation, you won’t get closure. It’s something you will have to learn to accept. Just know it will not hurt this bad forever.

iv. Don’t deny reality. If it is obvious something isn’t going to work out, do not give yourself false hope. This is one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn.

v. And lastly, actions do speak louder than words. If someone blatantly ignores you, goes out of their way to make you feel bad, and doesn’t show any apathy towards your emotions, they do not care about you. They are not hiding their feelings down deep inside for some crazy reason you have made yourself believe. If they act as though they don’t care, they don’t care. Do not spend your time on people like this. There are so many other people out there with a heart to love and care for you. Go out and meet them.

You’re fronting
Just like you always did

Just like you always acted so polite
And kind
And perfect

It was all a front

They can’t see it
But I see right through you

Through your oh so sincere words
And your sorry eyes

You mean nothing

All of your words are empty
They were always empty
Yet they made me feel so full

But that was long ago
When you gave me more than a
“hey, I hope you’re doing well”

So don’t tell me you’re sorry
When you don’t want to be forgiven

Don’t tell me you care
If you treat me like I was never a part of you

Don’t tell me you never meant to hurt me
If that’s exactly what you continue to do

You are not sorry

You do not care

You knew what you were doing

And now I’m full of things
That aren’t you

I’m filled with all of my happiness
The one thing you never took

And you’re full of ****

I don’t think I could tell you how much I miss you right now
How much I miss you all of the time, actually

It’s kind of pathetic how much I still think about you
How much I still think about us

Even when you’re not on my mind
My heart still aches with the memory of you

I hear about you all the time
And you seem to be doing well

You’ve got big things ahead of you
I’m so glad

I would say I’m so proud of you
But you’re not really mine to be proud of anymore

I see your smile a lot

When I pass you in the halls
When I scroll through all of the pictures I never deleted
When I shut my eyes

Nothing lights me up like that smile
Please keep that smile

I still feel your touch

Your hands on my hips
Your teeth on my lip

My god

Where did I go wrong
What did I do to make you leave
Why don’t you love me anymore

Why aren't you here

Right here

With me

I can’t make this work by myself
I need something from you too

A little effort maybe
Maybe that would help

How do you expect “us” to be?
If I’m giving everything I have
And you’re giving everything you don’t need

I want this
So badly

Please tell me you want it too

Show me you want this too

Just give me some effort
Or give me my **** back

These past few months I was different

Flipped upside down
Turned
Twisted
And a couple few miles from where I needed to be

My heart had been fooled
Led astray

I thought I knew what I wanted
I thought it was the right choice
I thought it was my choice

But I am only a child
Naïve and lusting for love

I wanted to be loved
I wanted to be wanted
And if that meant compromising everything I believed in
I didn’t mind

I jumped
I ran
And I skipped

It was great for a while
I was happy
But I was asleep

Sleep walking
Sleep running
Sleep loving

I was unaware where I was headed
But you held my hand and led me further
Making sure not to wake me

You thought I was going willingly

And when I showed signs of consciousness
Of realization

You ripped your hand from mine
Like a band-aid
That’s what it felt like

You looked me in my eyes and showed me what I didn’t want to see
And you were gone

I was 5 months away from myself
And you were back where you wanted to be

Now I walk this road alone
Searching for the pieces of me you took

Nothing calms me like the bare trees in late February
Nothing screams “serenity” like the winding wet concrete
Nothing soothes my soul like the mailboxes flying past my window

The music fills the voids
Gives me a little more to think about
Than what is real

Where is the life I long for?

In my hands
Or down the wire

It is uncertain
It is in pieces

I am simple

Let this wind blow through my hair
Let it separate me from myself

I am happy

I’m a virgo

The ******

An earth sign

The seasons on this earth are so beautiful
I wish you could’ve seen the beauty in mine

But you are an aries

The ram

A fire sign

You were always warm
And I was warm too

But at times I could be cold
Rainy
Snowy
Sometimes even stormy

Perhaps that’s why you left

You never felt the need to invest in a rain jacket
Or snow tires

Because when you met me I was all sunshine
And glasses full of lemonade

You had no idea that I was temperate
My seasons were well defined

And when my winter months took you by surprise
You felt the cold creeping onto you
Your warmth refused to compete with my cold
And you left

Come back in a couple weeks
I promise it’ll be different

But just come prepared this time
With your umbrella
And your snowpants

I’m a virgo

An earth sign

The seasons on this earth are so beautiful
I wish you could’ve seen the beauty in mine

I wish you would've stuck around
At least long enough
To catch a glimpse of summer

Treat me like somebody
I'm begging you

Nothing tears me apart
Like the way you treat me
Like I am nothing
To you
Anymore

Notice the hurt in my voice
Notice my shaking hands
Notice my fake smile
That you told me you didn't like as much as my real one
Notice me
Again

Because I cant take being nothing
To you
Anymore

You know that scar that you have
The one on your right hand
On the soft spot between your thumb and your pointer finger
That one

I remember when you cut yourself
I remember hoping that it would leave a big scar
One of the ones people notice
And ask you about

Because I knew this was too good to last
You would grow bored
And look for someone new

I knew that

And I hoped that when your new girl asked you how you got that scar
The one on your right hand
On the soft spot between your thumb and your pointer finger

You would look at it
Think of me
Think of my family
Think of Christmas
Think about my smile
And the way I loved you

You would look at it
With a pain in your chest
And say you don't remember

I used to look forward to Sundays
It was our day

Sundays without you were rare
And now it’s a normal thing

Instead of laughing
And smiling
And loving with you

I am crying on a Sunday

I am hurt
I am lonely
I am feeling awful without you

I am crying on a Sunday

Does anyone else have those places?

The ones that used to hold such happy memories
That now only bring sickness to your stomach
And shortness of breath

Even the thought unleashes the bittersweet nostalgia
Being there is overwhelming

I have those places
Quite a few
All hold memories of me and you

Like the woods that we hid in
That one late autumn night
When we were playing hide and seek
No one was going to find us
You knew it
You picked me up
I wrapped myself around you
And you kissed me
I kissed you back

The spare bedroom at my best friend’s house
Where we spent most of our Friday nights
Where I gave you every single piece of me
Leaving me a few months later
With nothing

The big comfy chair at my aunt’s house
Where you laid with me
When I had a little too much to drink
I wanted to cuddle
You wanted to sleep
You kissed my cheek
And shut your eyes

The soccer field downtown
Where I went with you every Saturday morning
Even though I really wasn’t into soccer
I was really into you
So I went

These are my places
These are my few
That all hold terrible
Wonderful
Memories of you

I find myself looking back on that day a lot
It was the turning point in our relationship I’d say

The big sinking feeling when you’ve reached the top of a rollercoaster and you’re preparing yourself to go down

We had reached the top of our rollercoaster
I knew it

I was lying alone in that bed

My hair a mess
My eyes overflowing

I tried to keep quiet
But my sobs were loud and painful

I wanted you to hold me
I wanted you to calm me down
Tell me that it was okay

That’s all I needed
I needed your reassurance

But instead you gave me anger

You were angry that I was crying
You were angry that I kept things bottled up

You were frustrated
I know

But you gave me nothing but harsh words
When all I needed was a hug
A sign of affection
That’s all

That’s when I needed you the most

That’s when I could tell I’d lost you

You could no longer sympathize with a wreck like me
You could no longer put up with me and my mess of a mind

I get it
And I don’t blame you

We’ve reached the end of this wild ride

You got off a long time ago
Yet I still stay

I know you’re not coming back
But if you did
I’d do it all over again

Because I’m still hopelessly in love with you
And this rollercoaster we call “us”

You left a couple 24 hours ago
It feels like a lot of 24 hours ago

You’re out there
And I’m still here

Talking with myself
About you
And us
Which isn’t much of an us anymore
If it’s just me

I cant seem to take my eyes
Off of the door
The way you left it
A tad bit open

Couldn’t you have just shut it all the way?

It would sure be easier for me
If there wasn’t this light spilling through the crack
Giving this room a dim light
A sliver of hope
That things might work out
That you’re going to come back

Oh my
That’s a nice thought

You walking right through that door again
Scooping me up

Saying that you’ve had your space
Had just enough of it
And you’re ready to share it with me again

You could have just shut it completely

Because this hope, this possibility
Is going to hurt me
More than you being gone
If you end up being gone for good

I’m happy without you
But I would be much happier
With you here

Please come back

I want to feel the butterflies
I want the constant aching to leave

Please come back to me

It’s a new night

I am alone
As I like to be

Me, myself, and I
All together
For the first time in a long time

It’s nice to catch up
See what we’ve all been up to

Isolating myself for a while
Does not hurt me

It allows me to know myself better

That’s something I’ve gotta do
Or else you’ll never want to

I just feel like there’s something wrong with me

With how I think
And how I react to things

I don’t know if I’m missing something
Or if I just made myself into this mess

There’s so much going on inside of me
I don’t even know where it's happening

I can feel voices in my legs
They’re screaming in my spine

They’re dying to get out

I want so badly
To get them out
To stop harboring these awful thoughts

They’re tearing away at everything I am
They take a piece of me with each word

"You’re never enough"
"You’re cold"
"You are always messing up, my god why do you do that?"
"You are too complicated for love"
"You’re incapable of communicating your emotions"
"Who’s going to want to be with someone like that?"
"You will never go anywhere"
"You are talentless"
"You aren’t anything special"
"You are plain"
"You are so much lesser than everyone else"

It hurts
So bad

They have a way of wrapping their words around my heart
And making them all I can see
All I can hear
All I can feel

They pull tight
They twist and turn my insides
They make sure it’s slow
They know its painful

It feeds them

My tears are their water
My muffled sobs are music to their ears

I want them out
I need them out
I can get them out
If I just say something

Huh

But then again, who would listen?

I’d rather keep them in
Than burden someone else with them

I think something’s wrong with me

I’m going to write while my feelings are still raw

They’re the only thing in my world right now

They’re in my head
All over my body
They are my sheets
The paint on my walls

They’re everywhere

Its clear there’s no getting away
I’m not even going to try
So how about I face them?
Instead of sit here and cry

Let’s talk about this sadness
Oh my, you couldn’t imagine

I was so caught up in you

In your smile
And your laugh
The way your hair curls
And did I mention that smile
Oh my god that smile

I was so in love with you
With the way you spoke and the words you said

Never have I met a more caring person
It’s so natural for you, so genuine

****

I just wanted you to care about me

I just wanted you to be happy
With me

I wanted you to be as in love as I was

I wanted you to need me

But that’s something I can’t force upon you
And I won’t try

It just hurts so badly right now
Sick to my stomach, lump in my throat
That kind of hurt

My body aches for my first love
It aches for your lips and your embrace
And it aches even more knowing it can’t have it

Just tell me you love me

No wait

Don’t
Please don’t

I don’t want you to have to lie
I don’t want you to have to pretend anymore

And I may sound bitter
But that isn’t it at all
I’m oddly happy

Let’s talk about this happiness
Because I’m really not sure why it’s here
Although I’m glad it is

I’m glad you finally got that off your chest
Even though it put more onto mine

You deserve so much more
Than settling for someone like me

I want nothing but the best for you
I’m not the best

I’ve caused you a lot of frustration
I know
And I don’t want you to feel that anymore

I want pure happiness for you

Find it

Please
Please find it

Find it and make this whole thing worth it

My heart is not one half of a whole
I am whole on my own
I do not need anyone to complete me

But my heart does have one lonely hand
Looking for another to hold
And it will continue to look
Until it finds one that fits

Perfectly

Loving myself comes with the rain

Sometimes a drizzle
Sometimes a thunderstorm
Sometimes it’s a fog, consuming my insecurities
Making them hard to see

This love that I have for myself
Is not something constant

It is changing with the weather

Sometimes there is most certainly a drought

A choking, overwhelming feeling
When I realize there’s no water

Nothing there
There will continue to be nothing
Because I am nothing

There is nothing I can do to change the fact
That nothing will come

And that’s when it does

A big, rumbling rain storm
Heading straight for me

It overflows the gutters of my mind
It floods my heart with a love
A love for myself

And it feels like the rain will never end
Nothing could stop it
Because it is everything

I am everything

But it is gone as suddenly as it came

And I am stuck in this cycle
Of loving
And hating

I wish you nothing but endless rainy days

I am sick of superficiality

I am sick of being told I am loved
When the only thing that is loved is my flesh

Love is so much more than the physical attraction
It would be silly to say it is about that at all

A person’s looks will not hold you when you are crying
A person’s looks are unable to have meaningful conversations with you
A person’s looks cannot push you to be your best

A person’s appearance is only a shell
A shell that holds everything that makes them who they are

You must be in love with what is inside

Every flaw and quirk
Every passion and beautiful thought

If you are to say you truly love someone

If all you are looking for is a pretty face or a nice body
I’m sorry to say this
But you are gonna live one sad, loveless life

Let’s take a trip
To places we’ve never seen before

Let’s just get out of here
I know a part of you wants to

I know you’re afraid
That once you get in this car
There’s no getting out

That this craziness that I am
Might be too much for you

I know you’re scared
That I might drop you off again
In the middle of nowhere
And drive away as fast as I can

But baby I promise
I’m just as scared as you

I’m scared of these impulsive decisions I make
I’m scared that I might forget you at the gas station
I’m scared that we might break down

Take another chance on me
On this wild ride
And I’ll make it worth your while

You can stay in my passenger seat
Forever, if you want

And if I ever tell you to get out
If I ever tell you to leave and never come back

Remind me about the time I asked you to get in this car
And we can keep on driving

Time is moving so swiftly. It is so quickly gone, never to be had again. I spend my time wishing for the past, lusting for the future, and forgetting to appreciate the now. I found myself walking out to my dad’s car this morning, mumbling about how I can’t wait to get my license and never have to ride in that silly van again. Someday I will wish I could ride in that van again, talking college basketball with my young and healthy father. I often find myself wishing that I was a child again, that I still had my innocence and carefree spirit. But that is no longer me, and I have to learn to accept and live with the person I have become. There are so many “what ifs” and “I wishes” constantly running through my head. I cannot rush the future, nor can I relive the past. I have to be content with what I have now, because someday I will no longer have a future. I will only have death looming over me. I will only be able to look back on this life. I want to be able to look back on adventures, successes, achievements, and many memories made with the people I love. I do not want to look back on life only to see myself rushing through the motions or spending too much time reminiscing on the past. I want to live in the now. After all, the now may be all we have left.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately
I’ve been thinking about life
who I am
what I want to do
my passion
and my purpose

It’s all a bit overwhelming
I know I’m young and I shouldn’t have all this figured out yet
but not knowing bothers me
I need to have a plan
I need to know what I’m working for
and I don’t know
I have no idea

That terrifies me

I like to act like I have it all figured out when asked
but in reality I have no clue

I don’t even know who I am
Not really
I mean what defines who you are?
I know it’s not your name
or what you look like
so what is it?

The concept of “me” is so hard for me to wrap my mind around

It’s such a weird feeling
not knowing who you are
It makes you feel boring
like there’s not much to you

But I know there is so much more to me than I can see
I just need to climb deep into my mind and truly know myself
I just need to find ways to reveal parts of who I am

I need to do things I enjoy
find my passion
discover my talents
and use them for the benefit of others

That’s all I really want to do
Do things that make me happy
and help others in the process

But I feel as though my life is already so structured and time is so limited that I won’t have time to do the things I want to do
and the things others expect me to do

I go to high school
then college
and then I start my career
soon after get married and start a family

That all sounds great to me

But where does traveling fit into that plan?
Where do year long mission trips fit into that plan?
Where do summers spent in little towns on the coast doing nothing but enjoying this beautiful earth god has placed me on
fit into that plan?

How can I step out of my comfort zone and experience new things
if I’m stuck doing the same ole same ole?

If I could somehow fit all of this into my one lifetime
which I’m sure is possible
that would be fantastic

But I just feel like there isn’t enough time

I don’t want to spend my life going through the same stages as everyone else
I don’t want to be stuck at a job I hate
I don’t want to go through countless hours of lectures and studying

I want to go out and enjoy this big breath taking place the human race calls home
I want to meet new people
see new things
try new foods
and just embrace the awesomeness of this earth and everyone in it

I want to help people
find the less fortunate and make a change in their life
I want to bring light and hope to people who need it the most
I want to make this world a better place
I want to feel as though I can make a difference

After all, we only live once

Why would I spend my one life going through the motions that other people have established as “normal” and “successful”?

I am not other people
I am my own person
and even though I’m not completely sure who that is yet
I know my person wants to be different

And hopefully
by being different and doing a different thing
I can truly find myself along the way

Feelings are rather peculiar, don’t you think?

How do these chemicals running through my body cause such real hurt and such pure joy?

Where do feelings take place anyhow?
Some may say in the brain
or in the heart

But when I feel
I feel everywhere

I feel happiness from the top of my head to the tip of my toes

I feel sadness turning in my chest and swelling in my eyes

I feel anger’s burning heat in my head, trying to find its way out my mouth

I feel excitement bouncing off the walls of my stomach

I feel angst rushing down my arms and my legs
making it hard to move

My feelings take place in my bones
they take place in my muscles and in my lungs

Oh do I look forward to the day the happiness is so great it illuminates and warms my whole being
But I also fear that someday the sadness or the anger may be so strong that it will leave me in a pile of dust

My feelings are felt everywhere
so please be careful with me

Don’t compliment my appearance

Do not tell me that I am pretty
Do not tell me I’ve got the most beautiful eyes

Don’t

Those words mean nothing
Full of emptiness

How superficial you make me feel, telling me those things

Don’t you realize there is more to me than what meets the eye?

I am not just skin and bone
I am heart and soul

If you wish to make me feel good
If you wish to see that lovely smile

Tell me that you love the words that I write
Tell me that I am one of the most authentic individuals you have ever met
Tell me that I have an incredible sense of humor

Do not fall in love with this flesh and bone
Fall in love with this heart
And this soul

It’s been 7 months without you
That's 222 days without you here
And each of them has hurt worse than the last

I have learned to live without you
Without your sweet voice
Without your meaningful advice
Without your arms to run to whenever something went wrong

But I will never
Ever
Get used to you not being here

I will continue to look for you sitting in the window of your old house on Bridge Street
I will continue looking for you in the bleachers at my games
I will continue writing you these letters, that you will never read

Rest easy, my sweet grandmother

The one who raised me
In hope
In love
And in faith

You have instilled in me a sense of self worth

You never let me forget how proud I made you
How much potential I have
And how much joy I brought into your life

My best friend, my grandmother

I am sorry for all the times I left you feeling unappreciated
I am sorry for not coming around as much as I grew older
I am sorry for not visiting at the hospital as much as I should have

Not a day goes by that these things don’t haunt me

How unfortunate that you had to pass for me to realize
I should’ve been there more often
Listened more often
And loved more often

But I know you would not want me feeling this way

You have taught me so much
And this is just another lesson I can be thankful for

I will no longer take people for granted
I will always tell people how much they mean to me
Like I did when you were lying on your death bed
And squeezed my hand as an “I love you too”

Thank you my wonderful, kind hearted grandmother
For this awful thing, I was able to find the good in

My love for you is constantly growing

Growing like flowers underneath the sunniest sky
Building like snow atop the highest mountain
Rushing like the waters in a downhill stream

Every word you speak
Steals mine right from my mouth

Every look you give
Gives my heart reason to skip

Every time you touch
You touch deeper than my skin

You’ve got my full attention

You’ve got all of my love
Even the love i do not have yet to give

I can tell your love for me is only growing faint

Burning out like a fire
Tip-toeing out the door
Fading like echoes

Every word I speak
You hear but do not acknowledge

Every look I give
Reaches for you, only to be swatted away

Every time I touch
It is just another hand that you’ve felt hundreds of times before

You need something else
I can see it in your eyes

Please tell me this is my imagination playing tricks on me
Its cruel, hurtful jokes that I have been fooled by many times before

Please tell me this isn’t the case at all
that your love still grows for me like flowers underneath the sunniest sky