I have began to realize
Who i thought i wasn't
Is who my eyes see in the mirror
Like a distant cousin

I am but a small speck of dust
In this wondrous world
If only i could find some rest
To forget who i have found

It's difficult to forget you. As much as i want to and as much as i tell myself i hate you, there's no denying i am still crazy in love with you. Im in love with the way your hair curls and the way it feels in between my fingers. Im in love with the feeling of your heartbeat on mine and knowing that this is real, that we are alive, with eachother, for a reason. Im in love with your smile and the way it lifted my heart on some of my roughest days. Im in love with your humor and your kind soul, the way you treat others and talk about the world takes my breath away. It would be foolish to say i "was" in love with you, and all of these things. Because i still am. Every hour, everyday. It hurts more than ever not having you here and i keep trying to remind myself of that bible verse that says "love is patient, love is kind..." because love may have patience but i am running out of it. It is so exhausting waiting here for you. My heart is sore and my eyes often get watery. I am being as patient as i can.

I like to convince myself that you didn't know what you were doing. That you had no idea when you said goodbye that i was going to hang onto every letter, every syllable, every wave of emotion coming from that very word for months and months to come. I like to think that. And hope. And really just wish that you hadn't known, because deep down inside i knew you did. You knew. You knew how bad this was gonna hurt me, because you'd seen me get hurt over the littlest things, and some bigger things too. You knew this was gonna be the biggest. You always said you loved me, that you were thankful for me and you cared. But were were you when i became a little less lovable, a little less of the things you were thankful for, and a little less of myself? You ran, you always ran. From me, from your problems, from your future, and from responsibility. I hope you stop running. And i hope that you can admit to yourself that you lied, because you don't intentionally hurt the people you care about. You just never cared about me.

You cant just do that to people. You can't tell someone that you love them if the only love you've ever felt is for yourself and half dressed women. You cant tell someone you 'might' come back to make it easier for them top sleep at night, when you are just running farther and farther from them. You can't always assume you're right, especially when it comes to peoples feelings. You may dictate what people feel but you can never tell them what they're feeling or if they actually feel it. When i told you that you hurt me, with my eyes that could never make themselves look up at yours and the choking back of sobs in public places, you made me feel as though everything that hurt me was my fault. That i had forced you to take your hands and rip my heart right out of my chest. That i had somehow convinced you to take that same heart and rip right through it with your words or lack thereof. You cant just do that to people.  Oh but you can, and you did. You did it to me. And one day i hope, every piece of me that you hurt hopes, that someone does that to you too.

The people around you play a huge part in making you, you. There are pieces of every soul you've ever loved inside of you. You have collected all of these qualities that have been passed down since the beginning of humanity. Oh, what wonderful hand-me-downs. They know where they have come from, with a long list of initials written down their backs. How awesome is it that you have the ability to be all of these things that the people you love, love? Pieces of me in other people and pieces of other people in me. How breathtaking it would be to see all of the people you have influenced, with big pieces of your self or small slivers. How incredible it would be if you could see all of the people who have come together to build up this person you are today. I'm a person of many different people, and it will never make me any less of a me. Never should you be made feel as if you are any less of a you.

I have always wanted nothing but the best for you. But sometimes i have to want the best for me, so i'm sorry if i don't answer when you call. I'm sorry if you end up broken on the floor with no one to help you up. I'm sorry if you end up feeling humiliated for caring so much. I'm sorry if you hurt so bad some nights and all you need are my arms, but they wont hold you. I'm sorry if you can't stop seeing my face whenever you close your eyes and hearing my voice in your last seconds before sleep. I loved you so ******* much and you let that go. I hope you feel all the pain that i felt when you left. I'm off and on to better things.

As much as i wish it was, it's just not that easy to forget you. As much as i wish you were, you're not coming back. As much as i wish i was still the one you loved talking to at the end of a long day, i'm not. As much as i wish i could change whatever it was about myself that made you leave, i cant. Wishes and wishes and more wishes fill me up and i cant help but wonder if they'll ever come true or if they are just taking up the space i should be filling with reality. I have so many wishes that I've started to create this other world in my mind where i love me and you love me so that it doesn't hurt so bad getting out of bed in the morning. I have so many wishes that the heavens cant keep up with sending shooting stars my way and i end up sitting on my deck screaming "more" at the top of my lungs. But don't you worry about me. I'll keep wishing, and you'll keep living.