I just feel like there’s something wrong with me

With how I think
And how I react to things

I don’t know if I’m missing something
Or if I just made myself into this mess

There’s so much going on inside of me
I don’t even know where it's happening

I can feel voices in my legs
They’re screaming in my spine

They’re dying to get out

I want so badly
To get them out
To stop harboring these awful thoughts

They’re tearing away at everything I am
They take a piece of me with each word

"You’re never enough"
"You’re cold"
"You are always messing up, my god why do you do that?"
"You are too complicated for love"
"You’re incapable of communicating your emotions"
"Who’s going to want to be with someone like that?"
"You will never go anywhere"
"You are talentless"
"You aren’t anything special"
"You are plain"
"You are so much lesser than everyone else"

It hurts
So bad

They have a way of wrapping their words around my heart
And making them all I can see
All I can hear
All I can feel

They pull tight
They twist and turn my insides
They make sure it’s slow
They know its painful

It feeds them

My tears are their water
My muffled sobs are music to their ears

I want them out
I need them out
I can get them out
If I just say something

Huh

But then again, who would listen?

I’d rather keep them in
Than burden someone else with them

I think something’s wrong with me

I’m going to write while my feelings are still raw

They’re the only thing in my world right now

They’re in my head
All over my body
They are my sheets
The paint on my walls

They’re everywhere

Its clear there’s no getting away
I’m not even going to try
So how about I face them?
Instead of sit here and cry

Let’s talk about this sadness
Oh my, you couldn’t imagine

I was so caught up in you

In your smile
And your laugh
The way your hair curls
And did I mention that smile
Oh my god that smile

I was so in love with you
With the way you spoke and the words you said

Never have I met a more caring person
It’s so natural for you, so genuine

****

I just wanted you to care about me

I just wanted you to be happy
With me

I wanted you to be as in love as I was

I wanted you to need me

But that’s something I can’t force upon you
And I won’t try

It just hurts so badly right now
Sick to my stomach, lump in my throat
That kind of hurt

My body aches for my first love
It aches for your lips and your embrace
And it aches even more knowing it can’t have it

Just tell me you love me

No wait

Don’t
Please don’t

I don’t want you to have to lie
I don’t want you to have to pretend anymore

And I may sound bitter
But that isn’t it at all
I’m oddly happy

Let’s talk about this happiness
Because I’m really not sure why it’s here
Although I’m glad it is

I’m glad you finally got that off your chest
Even though it put more onto mine

You deserve so much more
Than settling for someone like me

I want nothing but the best for you
I’m not the best

I’ve caused you a lot of frustration
I know
And I don’t want you to feel that anymore

I want pure happiness for you

Find it

Please
Please find it

Find it and make this whole thing worth it

My heart is not one half of a whole
I am whole on my own
I do not need anyone to complete me

But my heart does have one lonely hand
Looking for another to hold
And it will continue to look
Until it finds one that fits

Perfectly

Loving myself comes with the rain

Sometimes a drizzle
Sometimes a thunderstorm
Sometimes it’s a fog, consuming my insecurities
Making them hard to see

This love that I have for myself
Is not something constant

It is changing with the weather

Sometimes there is most certainly a drought

A choking, overwhelming feeling
When I realize there’s no water

Nothing there
There will continue to be nothing
Because I am nothing

There is nothing I can do to change the fact
That nothing will come

And that’s when it does

A big, rumbling rain storm
Heading straight for me

It overflows the gutters of my mind
It floods my heart with a love
A love for myself

And it feels like the rain will never end
Nothing could stop it
Because it is everything

I am everything

But it is gone as suddenly as it came

And I am stuck in this cycle
Of loving
And hating

I wish you nothing but endless rainy days

I am sick of superficiality

I am sick of being told I am loved
When the only thing that is loved is my flesh

Love is so much more than the physical attraction
It would be silly to say it is about that at all

A person’s looks will not hold you when you are crying
A person’s looks are unable to have meaningful conversations with you
A person’s looks cannot push you to be your best

A person’s appearance is only a shell
A shell that holds everything that makes them who they are

You must be in love with what is inside

Every flaw and quirk
Every passion and beautiful thought

If you are to say you truly love someone

If all you are looking for is a pretty face or a nice body
I’m sorry to say this
But you are gonna live one sad, loveless life

Let’s take a trip
To places we’ve never seen before

Let’s just get out of here
I know a part of you wants to

I know you’re afraid
That once you get in this car
There’s no getting out

That this craziness that I am
Might be too much for you

I know you’re scared
That I might drop you off again
In the middle of nowhere
And drive away as fast as I can

But baby I promise
I’m just as scared as you

I’m scared of these impulsive decisions I make
I’m scared that I might forget you at the gas station
I’m scared that we might break down

Take another chance on me
On this wild ride
And I’ll make it worth your while

You can stay in my passenger seat
Forever, if you want

And if I ever tell you to get out
If I ever tell you to leave and never come back

Remind me about the time I asked you to get in this car
And we can keep on driving

Time is moving so swiftly. It is so quickly gone, never to be had again. I spend my time wishing for the past, lusting for the future, and forgetting to appreciate the now. I found myself walking out to my dad’s car this morning, mumbling about how I can’t wait to get my license and never have to ride in that silly van again. Someday I will wish I could ride in that van again, talking college basketball with my young and healthy father. I often find myself wishing that I was a child again, that I still had my innocence and carefree spirit. But that is no longer me, and I have to learn to accept and live with the person I have become. There are so many “what ifs” and “I wishes” constantly running through my head. I cannot rush the future, nor can I relive the past. I have to be content with what I have now, because someday I will no longer have a future. I will only have death looming over me. I will only be able to look back on this life. I want to be able to look back on adventures, successes, achievements, and many memories made with the people I love. I do not want to look back on life only to see myself rushing through the motions or spending too much time reminiscing on the past. I want to live in the now. After all, the now may be all we have left.