I’ve been thinking a lot lately
I’ve been thinking about life
who I am
what I want to do
my passion
and my purpose

It’s all a bit overwhelming
I know I’m young and I shouldn’t have all this figured out yet
but not knowing bothers me
I need to have a plan
I need to know what I’m working for
and I don’t know
I have no idea

That terrifies me

I like to act like I have it all figured out when asked
but in reality I have no clue

I don’t even know who I am
Not really
I mean what defines who you are?
I know it’s not your name
or what you look like
so what is it?

The concept of “me” is so hard for me to wrap my mind around

It’s such a weird feeling
not knowing who you are
It makes you feel boring
like there’s not much to you

But I know there is so much more to me than I can see
I just need to climb deep into my mind and truly know myself
I just need to find ways to reveal parts of who I am

I need to do things I enjoy
find my passion
discover my talents
and use them for the benefit of others

That’s all I really want to do
Do things that make me happy
and help others in the process

But I feel as though my life is already so structured and time is so limited that I won’t have time to do the things I want to do
and the things others expect me to do

I go to high school
then college
and then I start my career
soon after get married and start a family

That all sounds great to me

But where does traveling fit into that plan?
Where do year long mission trips fit into that plan?
Where do summers spent in little towns on the coast doing nothing but enjoying this beautiful earth god has placed me on
fit into that plan?

How can I step out of my comfort zone and experience new things
if I’m stuck doing the same ole same ole?

If I could somehow fit all of this into my one lifetime
which I’m sure is possible
that would be fantastic

But I just feel like there isn’t enough time

I don’t want to spend my life going through the same stages as everyone else
I don’t want to be stuck at a job I hate
I don’t want to go through countless hours of lectures and studying

I want to go out and enjoy this big breath taking place the human race calls home
I want to meet new people
see new things
try new foods
and just embrace the awesomeness of this earth and everyone in it

I want to help people
find the less fortunate and make a change in their life
I want to bring light and hope to people who need it the most
I want to make this world a better place
I want to feel as though I can make a difference

After all, we only live once

Why would I spend my one life going through the motions that other people have established as “normal” and “successful”?

I am not other people
I am my own person
and even though I’m not completely sure who that is yet
I know my person wants to be different

And hopefully
by being different and doing a different thing
I can truly find myself along the way

Feelings are rather peculiar, don’t you think?

How do these chemicals running through my body cause such real hurt and such pure joy?

Where do feelings take place anyhow?
Some may say in the brain
or in the heart

But when I feel
I feel everywhere

I feel happiness from the top of my head to the tip of my toes

I feel sadness turning in my chest and swelling in my eyes

I feel anger’s burning heat in my head, trying to find its way out my mouth

I feel excitement bouncing off the walls of my stomach

I feel angst rushing down my arms and my legs
making it hard to move

My feelings take place in my bones
they take place in my muscles and in my lungs

Oh do I look forward to the day the happiness is so great it illuminates and warms my whole being
But I also fear that someday the sadness or the anger may be so strong that it will leave me in a pile of dust

My feelings are felt everywhere
so please be careful with me

Don’t compliment my appearance

Do not tell me that I am pretty
Do not tell me I’ve got the most beautiful eyes

Don’t

Those words mean nothing
Full of emptiness

How superficial you make me feel, telling me those things

Don’t you realize there is more to me than what meets the eye?

I am not just skin and bone
I am heart and soul

If you wish to make me feel good
If you wish to see that lovely smile

Tell me that you love the words that I write
Tell me that I am one of the most authentic individuals you have ever met
Tell me that I have an incredible sense of humor

Do not fall in love with this flesh and bone
Fall in love with this heart
And this soul

It’s been 7 months without you
That's 222 days without you here
And each of them has hurt worse than the last

I have learned to live without you
Without your sweet voice
Without your meaningful advice
Without your arms to run to whenever something went wrong

But I will never
Ever
Get used to you not being here

I will continue to look for you sitting in the window of your old house on Bridge Street
I will continue looking for you in the bleachers at my games
I will continue writing you these letters, that you will never read

Rest easy, my sweet grandmother

The one who raised me
In hope
In love
And in faith

You have instilled in me a sense of self worth

You never let me forget how proud I made you
How much potential I have
And how much joy I brought into your life

My best friend, my grandmother

I am sorry for all the times I left you feeling unappreciated
I am sorry for not coming around as much as I grew older
I am sorry for not visiting at the hospital as much as I should have

Not a day goes by that these things don’t haunt me

How unfortunate that you had to pass for me to realize
I should’ve been there more often
Listened more often
And loved more often

But I know you would not want me feeling this way

You have taught me so much
And this is just another lesson I can be thankful for

I will no longer take people for granted
I will always tell people how much they mean to me
Like I did when you were lying on your death bed
And squeezed my hand as an “I love you too”

Thank you my wonderful, kind hearted grandmother
For this awful thing, I was able to find the good in

My love for you is constantly growing

Growing like flowers underneath the sunniest sky
Building like snow atop the highest mountain
Rushing like the waters in a downhill stream

Every word you speak
Steals mine right from my mouth

Every look you give
Gives my heart reason to skip

Every time you touch
You touch deeper than my skin

You’ve got my full attention

You’ve got all of my love
Even the love i do not have yet to give

I can tell your love for me is only growing faint

Burning out like a fire
Tip-toeing out the door
Fading like echoes

Every word I speak
You hear but do not acknowledge

Every look I give
Reaches for you, only to be swatted away

Every time I touch
It is just another hand that you’ve felt hundreds of times before

You need something else
I can see it in your eyes

Please tell me this is my imagination playing tricks on me
Its cruel, hurtful jokes that I have been fooled by many times before

Please tell me this isn’t the case at all
that your love still grows for me like flowers underneath the sunniest sky