everyday I walk past the same bus stop searching for a familiar face in the windows
I couldn't tell you how many times the bus stops there each day but I can remember each time the memories begin in my fingers and ended in the tears on my cheek and how often the driver closes the door so fast that it busts on my face like my windshield did last Christmas break and how I sat and listened to each piece of glass cutting into me like the words of my father whose religion was drinking himself to death
everyday I walk past the same bus stop with the same people at the same hour and I wonder how often they go home to shaking bodies and broken bones and how many times that door gets slammed in their face so hard that they remember every time he grabbed her too hard and how she would claw the door for someone to pull her up for air or how often they almost got away but they didn't press the gas hard enough or the window wasn't high enough
and I wonder how many of the innocent souls on the damaged bus have seen the light after they've been in the dark for so long

everything was such a beautiful lie and I never had the courage to hear the truth being screamed in my face

he makes me feel like I'm running to the subway with only a minute to spare and I can't tell whether I make it in time or not

I saw your face for the first time in over a month today. for some reason, it still hurt to see you smile and laugh with other people.

we haven't spoken in weeks and we probably won't ever feel the need to again. but God ****** there's something about you that won't get out of my head.

I ruin everything I love

I've built this wall up for so long that I'm only now realizing that every brick I used was filled with the memories you left me

My obsession over being wanted came from never feeling wanted.

and the saddest part is that i still listen to one of your voicemails that i saved from months ago because that was the last time your voice ever begged for my love

i wonder if they notice that i can't breathe when they mention your name

i'm strangled by the thoughts of your lips on mine ever again

letting go is the hardest part

help i'm sad and falling apart

1:25 AM and i can still feel your breath on my shoulder when you would beg me to stay

It's 1:24 AM and I still remember you telling me we would last forever

She told the most beautiful lie.

i'm pretty sure that my headache has become the pain i have distracted myself with for the past few days so i didn't realize how many times you didn't answer the phone when i could barley see the words that i wrote when i was happy

running from myself and getting nowhere

i love the way my heart breaks when you say you're too busy to talk

crying in the rain so you can't see my tears

i know i love you because you make me want to do things that i have never had the courage to do before

empty bottles and they smell like you

broken mirrors and they still look like you

dead flowers and they smell like you

i needed you but you needed her more

hold me until every tree loses it's leaves
and every harsh winter comes to an end

Love is waking up each day and not wanting to be anywhere else

Love is when you reach for her hand instead of the bottle

i'll let you drag me to hell if it means you'll hold my hand

maybe it's because i get lost in your eyes,
maybe it's because i can't tell day from night

tell me who broke you but don't say my name too loud

The butterflies you once gave me are turning to stones, and im not sure what is worse; loving someone who doesn't love you or not being loved.

i apologize every time you hurt my feelings

and you still don't realize why i feel alone

Tonight my grandfather looked at me and said,

"Where do you plan on being in four years?"

Usually, this question is simple to answer. The usual 'college' or what kind of job I would want to have, and I sat and thought about how I would respond. After a few moments of him staring at me, I said,

"I plan on taking care of myself for the first time."

He didn't really think that was funny, but what he didn't understand was that I wasn't joking. Ever since I was young, I have always had to take care of something or someone.

He waited for me to explain; he obviously didn't understand how that answered his question. I showed him examples from when I was young. Before my father got custody of me, I always helped my mom with whatever I could. Which wasn't a lot, because I was so young.

Between the ages of 8 - 11 are where I remember the most. This is when I was living with my father. He would fall asleep in the living room and I would wake up every night around 2:00 AM and I would check on him. He would be too drunk to wake up without getting sick, so I always tried to be quite. I would take the beer from his hand so I didn't have to clean up that mess the next morning. Then I would take his shoes and hat off, and I would turn off the TV. I'd always go back to his room to get his bed ready and then I would go back to turn all the lights off in the living room. There's no telling how many nights when I didn't get up and the doors were still wide open through the night. I would literally walk him back to his bed and lay him down, because he couldn't do by himself.

I was 8 years old.

A lot more has happen since then, and I still have to help him to bed sometimes. But now, I live with my grandparents and I have for years. They are getting to the point where I am helping them with everything.

Although my grandfather was surprised to hear my answer to his question, he listened to me for the first time and he understood.

I'm ready to take care of myself.

I couldn't count how many nights
I woke up tangled in my sheets,
forgetting you weren't there

Love is every summer night when you roll your window down and only hear his heartbeat in every song

The winds remind me how cold I've been without you

i am so sorry that everything i do is wrong and every time i apologize, i do it again. i am so sorry that i have never had someone stay as long as you, so i constantly wait for you to leave. i am so sorry that i push you away every day and all i really want is you to be here. i am so sorry that every time we talk, i cry and every time we are together, i bring up the past. i am so sorry that everything i have every done has stuck to me. i am so sorry that you can physically see the pain that i have gone through. i am so sorry that i didn’t answer your calls when you left or when i said i never cared. i cared more than anything. i am so sorry that i was never strong enough for you and i never will be. i am so sorry that you love me.

i am so so sorry.

the scars on my body make me hate everything about myself

but they remind me that i once felt something

i am so sorry i am not strong enough for you

trying to run away from you is like trying to forget where i live when i have to go back each night

you tell me to calm down without realizing that you're the reason why my heart breaks whenever i see someone happy

i told you i needed you and you said you needed one more drink

i miss the way your lips made my body still

maybe if you scream my name loud enough it will muffle all the doors that were slammed in my face

maybe if you hold me tight enough then every voice saying i'm worthless will fade away

loving me is like loving the dead flowers in the winter

i knew i fell in love when you first said my name
and i didn't hate the sound of it