sick to the bone
i was tired of words i could not swallow
"i've been starving myself"
of food of hope of love of lust
i was tired of diving into toilet bowls
"i do not like to throw up"
i insisted this but my fingers did not listen
life lesson or self pity?

ingesting smoke
i was afraid this was all i could eat today
the fridge had told me different
and the cabinets too
i am tired of teary eyed binging
"i have to leave you alone"
i reiterated but i could never have enough
selfish promise or short term goal?

dizzy accusations
this was all my fault
i swallowed my words whole
and could never spit them out
it's starvation eating me up
i am tired of leaving tables early
"i could have stopped myself"
but my legs have proven otherwise
routine or bad habit?

and even though it's been years
since i realized i wanted
to lay next to you and squeeze your hand
tight enough that you heard
"i love you more than the stars"
ring throughout that bright head of yours

it's been a month since you had to
tell me you were seriously asking me
to hold your hand in the dark
and let you place your perfectly shaped lips
against my trembling ones

it's been a month since you had to
tell me you were serious about wanting
me to be the person to kiss every part of your
sleepy eyed face at three in the morning

and i could not be more thankful
that you cradle my thoughts in your arms
along with my tear filled eyes
because i am too astounded by you
for words

and i could not be more in love
with the idea that you are in love with me
just the same that i am in love with you

i could listen to rain
for the rest of my life,
i want to bask in it's beautiful
glory
i want to swim in puddles to remind
myself i am not the only one who cries
i want to hear thunder
even though i am afraid
because i am not the rains only friend
and thunders love could bring fireworks
and remind me that even though
you are crying
you light up the sky

it's hard to feel much of anything
if you're using darkness as a cover
over bright lights that refuse to turn on
it's hard to feel much of yourself
when you're covered in memories you don't want
it's hard to breathe sometimes

it's hard to walk with two feet
on ground covered in broken dreams
it's hard to open your eyes when
all you see is burnt out hope
smoke filled love was what i got

it's hard to be yourself when
no one else wants you to be
when all they wanted was money and your body
it's hard to see yourself as lovable
when you had nobody to love you
it's hard to love when no body wants you

it's hard to realize why you're crying
when oceans are drowning every thought you have
it's hard to hear over the waves
it's hard when you want to be okay
it's even harder when you thought you were

i am not strong
because i have scars
to remind me that i am
i am not strong
because i once took a blade
to my hips and knew
exactly what i was doing
i am not strong
because i am still here
baring those scars

do not compare me
to how deep your cuts went
do not compare me
to the sound of your pain
i am not strong
because you are weaker
i am not weak
because you are stronger