Darling,

I will never be able to completely comprehend the magnitude of your suffering.

Unfortunately I can not change your past.

And I know this is an annoying notion,
but your past has shaped you into who you are today.

But darling,

I promise to love every part of you and do my best to treat you the way you should have been treated your whole life.

A beautiful soul like you deserves to be worshiped.

Darling,

I want to witness how the ocean's breeze plays with your hair
and how your cheeks get slightly more pink from the heat.
I want to build sand castles
and pretend that they're life-size
...or better yet - not,
So that we could hide away inside their sandy walls,
pretending that life is but tiny speaks of gold.
I want to swim with you
and chase the waves.
Let's be two mermaids in love
and co-exist happily ever after.

Another sunset.

Another day of wondering if life is worth living.

Another hour contemplating the end of me.

I find myself so conflicted,
Yet very much at peace.

Serene.

In moments like these death feels like a promise from a loved one.

A beautiful promise one would hold close to one’s heart.

It feels like “I miss you” that actually means something.

For once, I am no longer angry.

For once, I feel alive.

How ironic.

Not numb,

Not lonely,

Not suffering,
But at one with the universe.

Of course life is a blessing and it is beautiful,
But I think I’m just one of those people, who were simply not made for it.

I hope I’m not scaring you with my words,
That is not my intention.

Goodbye Darling,
Perhaps we will meet again in another world.

Darling,

When you said that you were “very serious” about me,
Did you mean it?
I have feelings for you,
But I don’t like being played.
Let’s sort this out before it’s too late (rhyme).

To quote from Frank Sinatra’s ‘Fly Me To the Moon’,
- “Please be true.”

Early on I stopped hoping for promises to be kept.

Later on I stopped hoping all together.

You could say that I've become hopeless
or maybe I just started to see the world for what it really is.

Either way, the end outcome is that I am numb,
but now and again the disappointment of it all still stings nonetheless.

Today I went to see my brother's hockey playoffs at the rink where I used to skate.

- it wasn't at all a calculated decision.

The whole time I sat staring into the screen of my phone.

Paralyzed.

Fearing that you might be in the same building.

Teaching.

Your license not yet taken away.

Flashbacks.

Parents angry that I didn't watch the game.

- I couldn't move.

Fearing I would attract the ghost of you and the horror that always follows alongside you.