Darling,

I will never be able to completely comprehend the magnitude of your suffering.

Unfortunately I can not change your past.

And I know this is an annoying notion,
but your past has shaped you into who you are today.

But darling,

I promise to love every part of you and do my best to treat you the way you should have been treated your whole life.

A beautiful soul like you deserves to be worshiped.

Darling,

I want to witness how the ocean's breeze plays with your hair
and how your cheeks get slightly more pink from the heat.
I want to build sand castles
and pretend that they're life-size
...or better yet - not,
So that we could hide away inside their sandy walls,
pretending that life is but tiny speaks of gold.
I want to swim with you
and chase the waves.
Let's be two mermaids in love
and co-exist happily ever after.

Another sunset.

Another day of wondering if life is worth living.

Another hour contemplating the end of me.

I find myself so conflicted,
Yet very much at peace.

Serene.

In moments like these death feels like a promise from a loved one.

A beautiful promise one would hold close to one’s heart.

It feels like “I miss you” that actually means something.

For once, I am no longer angry.

For once, I feel alive.

How ironic.

Not numb,

Not lonely,

Not suffering,
But at one with the universe.

Of course life is a blessing and it is beautiful,
But I think I’m just one of those people, who were simply not made for it.

I hope I’m not scaring you with my words,
That is not my intention.

Goodbye Darling,
Perhaps we will meet again in another world.

Darling,

When you said that you were “very serious” about me,
Did you mean it?
I have feelings for you,
But I don’t like being played.
Let’s sort this out before it’s too late (rhyme).

To quote from Frank Sinatra’s ‘Fly Me To the Moon’,
- “Please be true.”

Early on I stopped hoping for promises to be kept.

Later on I stopped hoping all together.

You could say that I've become hopeless
or maybe I just started to see the world for what it really is.

Either way, the end outcome is that I am numb,
but now and again the disappointment of it all still stings nonetheless.

Today I went to see my brother's hockey playoffs at the rink where I used to skate.

- it wasn't at all a calculated decision.

The whole time I sat staring into the screen of my phone.

Paralyzed.

Fearing that you might be in the same building.

Teaching.

Your license not yet taken away.

Flashbacks.

Parents angry that I didn't watch the game.

- I couldn't move.

Fearing I would attract the ghost of you and the horror that always follows alongside you.

What did you mean when you said that I was "enough"?

Because unfortunately,
I have never felt "enough" before.

Never skinny "enough".

Never muscular "enough".

My mind has never been able to function normally "enough".

I have never been "enough" for anyone,

- my mother says that I'm using her for money,
but that she never receives "enough" affection from me in return.

If I'm not "enough" for my own mother, how can I be "enough" for you?

I am overthinking everything again,

- you,
- my current emotional state...
-us?

I wish I wasn't,
but I guess it's a part of me,
like everything else.

I just need to accept it and allow myself to be happy.

...happy with you  (?)

I want to dance with you under the bottomless sky of stars.

Our feet painting patterns in the wet, soft grass.

When we kiss,
The world will burst with colours.

It will be so overwhelming that we will have to lie down.

Both looking up at the stars and smiling cheek to cheek like two idiots.

Two idiots in love(?)

Hands intertwining and having a dance of their own.

It would be one of those moments when time stops and a familiar thought creeps up on me:

"Oh how nice it would be to die right now, while life is still good and I'm with you".

I love that we communicate in poems
- it's like sending mind-nudes (lol).

I'm showing you my true nakedness, instead of presenting you with my imperfect body.

Fall in love with my soul first
- for it can not be wavered.

But my body on the other hand, is a shape-shifter.

If I eat less and exercise more
- you might like me better.

If I eat more and "let myself go"
- you might not even give me a second glance.

So instead, give my soul a second glance.

Today was the first time we spoke on the phone.

I only had 5min before "lights out" in the psych ward.

I love the sound of your voice.

You made me laugh - thank you.

There was so much more to say,
but I said "Bye" and so did you.

What I meant to say was "I miss you".

What I meant to say was "I'll be thinking about you, until I fall asleep and then I will be dreaming of you".

What I meant to say was...
I ---

Did you see yesterday's sunset?

It whispered "Life is beautiful. It's so worth it. Hold on."

I am worried that I'm falling too fast for you.

We barely know each other,
but it feels like we're a part of one being. 

I hate feeling so open and sharing so much,
but I can't help it - I have a feeling you're worth it.

Should I be looking at this situation as a flirtatious game,
or are you serious about me?

I am afraid to know the answer.

Baby, you write me poems and they set butterflies free in my stomach.
All I want is to lie under the stars with you,
but instead I am alone in bed.
Awake.
Unable to sleep.
Nurses tell me to think of something positive and automatically,
your face comes before my tired eyes.
They give me my meds
and in my restless, medicated sleep I dream of you.
Baby, I am so angry that I’m stuck here.
I need you with me.

P.S Darling, the phone  # you gave me is not working & also… let’s see each other this weekend.

This sweet old lady Margaret, sat across from me on a bench in the garden and I thought that it would be simply wonderful to grow old with you.

Today we went outside for a BBQ.
I thought of you the whole time.
I was very anxious so I sat in the garden, away from everyone else.
I looked for a flower that could match your beauty, but darling, no flower is as beautiful as you are.

Child. When I fall - I crash.
I am a hopeless romantic.
You set me racing through the atmosphere like a ******* asteroid and soon I am bound to hit the ground.
Boom! Fireworks!
Dust of our poems like the sweat of our bodies melting into one and lifting up to the stars above.
Except child, the stars will never manage to match the brightness with which we shine.
A spark, a supernova being born when our hands touch.
I am scared to imagine what will happen when our lips touch…
‘cause child…
Big Bang itself would not amount to the explosion of passion that our kiss will produce.
So darling, in short, I am being drawn to you, like in to a black hole
and oh darling…
I don’t intend to resist it.

I’m afraid of ******* up so teach me how & do it slowly.

I want you to pull me into you,
Leaving no space between us.
I want you to move my hair to the side and breathe goose bumps on to my neck.
One single touch from you is all I need.
Oh how I wish you were here.

Alone is alone is alone in my
Loneliness.
Alone is alone is alone in my
Mind.
Alone is alone is alone in my
bed in the evening,
enveloped by nightmares,
without you by my side.
Alone is alone is surrounded by people who don’t understand,
But force themselves into my brain.
Alone is alone is alone on a highway,
Going full speed with no intention of hitting the breaks.
Alone is alone is alone writing poetry on the bed of a psych ward.
Alone is alone is alone.
Take my place.
Let me go.
Go.
Home.
To you.

Affection makes me feel *****.

Write your feelings down and burn them.
Let those ******* shriek and cry.
Let the ashes fly away and land atop sunflowers
and breathe in / breathe out…
don’t cry.

She is a fallen angel.
The weight of life has dragged her down from heavens.
Her mind is dark like the closet she’s been hiding her magic in.

She cut her wings down to stubs
And left dark burgundy marks on her skin - a thousand scars.

Now she sits on the bed in a psych ward, looking out the window.
A window that’s locked (she checked)
A prison disguised as a healing place.

They keep her inside, when she’s been born to fly.
She wants to ascend back to heaven,
But they won’t let her die.

Let me fly away and hang down from the clouds
Let me breathe in the atmosphere and swallow down the sun
Let me fly away, away upon a breeze
Let me breathe the air that soon will touch your cheeks

I want to be free, if I was - I would be a ******* seagull, so you could hear my screams
I want to be free so let me lay upon a cloud and look down on your pretty head of gold

Let me fly away and let me breathe in the air that soon will touch your cheeks.

Her skin smells of gold & her heart is overgrown with sunflowers.

My body was covered in thorns, but my mind bloomed.

I am expected to go to school & do well.
I am expected to get outside & breathe grassy summer air.
I am expected to get over what you did; you expect that from me…

Well, I will as soon as I tell on you - you see, the joy is in the unexpected.

You sit in your kitchen
2 cats one wife
Drinking your coffee out of a starbucks cup
Thinking of nothing in particular

Me, I sit in my room
A patient
Unstable
Drinking my decaf tea out of a styrofoam cup
Thinking of everything you did to make me hate you

You meet the best people in psych wards