Today I went to see my brother's hockey playoffs at the rink where I used to skate.

- it wasn't at all a calculated decision.

The whole time I sat staring into the screen of my phone.

Paralyzed.

Fearing that you might be in the same building.

Teaching.

Your license not yet taken away.

Flashbacks.

Parents angry that I didn't watch the game.

- I couldn't move.

Fearing I would attract the ghost of you and the horror that always follows alongside you.

What did you mean when you said that I was "enough"?

Because unfortunately,
I have never felt "enough" before.

Never skinny "enough".

Never muscular "enough".

My mind has never been able to function normally "enough".

I have never been "enough" for anyone,

- my mother says that I'm using her for money,
but that she never receives "enough" affection from me in return.

If I'm not "enough" for my own mother, how can I be "enough" for you?

I am overthinking everything again,

- you,
- my current emotional state...
-us?

I wish I wasn't,
but I guess it's a part of me,
like everything else.

I just need to accept it and allow myself to be happy.

...happy with you  (?)

I want to dance with you under the bottomless sky of stars.

Our feet painting patterns in the wet, soft grass.

When we kiss,
The world will burst with colours.

It will be so overwhelming that we will have to lie down.

Both looking up at the stars and smiling cheek to cheek like two idiots.

Two idiots in love(?)

Hands intertwining and having a dance of their own.

It would be one of those moments when time stops and a familiar thought creeps up on me:

"Oh how nice it would be to die right now, while life is still good and I'm with you".

I love that we communicate in poems
- it's like sending mind-nudes (lol).

I'm showing you my true nakedness, instead of presenting you with my imperfect body.

Fall in love with my soul first
- for it can not be wavered.

But my body on the other hand, is a shape-shifter.

If I eat less and exercise more
- you might like me better.

If I eat more and "let myself go"
- you might not even give me a second glance.

So instead, give my soul a second glance.

Today was the first time we spoke on the phone.

I only had 5min before "lights out" in the psych ward.

I love the sound of your voice.

You made me laugh - thank you.

There was so much more to say,
but I said "Bye" and so did you.

What I meant to say was "I miss you".

What I meant to say was "I'll be thinking about you, until I fall asleep and then I will be dreaming of you".

What I meant to say was...
I ---

Did you see yesterday's sunset?

It whispered "Life is beautiful. It's so worth it. Hold on."