The pictures in my head are monochromatic some of the time. They run at speed and then slow down. Sometimes I see people I've never met. Somtimes faces I don't want to remember. Then flashes of colour and noise and pain. Then I wake and fear the day.

I killed myself again tonight
Another perfectly planned ending
Meticulous to the last breath
Painless as always, but this time it was to look like ****** not misadventure
Questions would be asked, not conclusions drawn
I have now I believe played every possible scenario out whilst I battle insomnia
Like Holmes with an entangled case that tears at the synapses I wrestle
Each night the black dog sits and watches as I plot
For it doesn't know I plot its death
The vanquish of my Moriarty, my peace
Soon I will have the solution
For as Holmes himself said
Inspector "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?'

'To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.' Holmes

Inspector "The dog did nothing in the night-time.'

'That was the curious incident,' remarked Sherlock Holmes.'"
The dog just watched torturous its stare.
That truth? The black dog is my nemesis, my Moriarty, my end.
No Watson to save me
For when you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.'
For as Holmes says " There is nothing new under the sun, its all been done before"

It feels strange with you not here
not quite right,
the room is still,
but for the sound of little ones, playing, squeals of delight,
it's hot,
an empty space & for some reason I am not at ease ......
Then they are gone 1 2 & 3 toddlers, gratefully to be alone.
then, my mother on the phone,
her voice calm but direct, "Mello is missing -
what ?
nothing is clear, my heads in a whirl, what did she mean ? how could this be ?

brother, rail staff, pharmacist, painter all searching but no sightings anywhere - she has gone. 
 Ok, I am on my way !

Brian Bridgette, Bootle, blind fear - Mello's missing - I need her here
I cannot breath, heart is pounding, a silent fog wraps itself around me,
home - I must get home

panic I become frantic, hot, traffic, car, stay calm but I am dizzy,
she'll be ok was all my friend could say.
sick to my pit, I stutter and stammer, my mind is a soup,
........ please lets not delay

midday & eventually home, I open the door, the sticky air a blanket of suffocating heat, "Mello!" I cry, MellOOOOOO, across & above the blue empty sky
nothing, no wild shaggy beast to greet me, stillness, Mum, friend, chatter, I feel sick, irritable, anxious, its true, where is my Mello ? I so love you ......

a few feet away, just over the fence a train draws into the station, the screech of heavy brakes, its murderess horn sounds twice as this metal machine slowly comes to a halt. Silence, its not reached the station.
My mother is chatting, they are blissfully unaware.
"That was Mello" I muttered to myself, that was Mello ......... I felt,
but no one was listening, no one had heard. We went into the house .......
"No, I don't want tea!"

Into the garden in search of clues, the compost is high the wall low, no genius to work out how she escaped,
stolen or did she run ? why had she gone ? after a cat or a bird or just for some fun.

Phone, Mike, Mello's gone ! -
......... what will I do, I cannot bare to consider life without you,
Your perfect my friend, my little girl,  so very wise, too young to be taken, my soul mate my rock, you gave nothing but pleasure, please return to me safe & unbroken.

My ringtone sounds,  "is that ......... ? there has been an incident"
A dog, white, on the track, can you come ?
Tears frozen round my heart, in shock & disbelief, oh no you've been taken
YES, a railway official, orange suit, stands waiting, he carries your carcass, she's heavy with sweat, he lays her at my feet, please leave me alone.....
I fall at her side & hug my friend, still warm she lye's silent & still, beneath the roots of the old copper beech, in the dirt, I cry, not believing but breathing.
Lifeless my best mate is slipping away,  

Why, oh why???? ...... did I abandon you on the 10th July ?
RIP Mello x

Last night a million souls cried
The court jester has died
The details vague and matter not
We know it was his black dog

So you don't like me, should I feel bad?
Have you had the life I've had?
Have you lost it all you wife your kids?
Had no one in the world but yourself?
Walked for miles and got nowhere
Looked at death and seen a friend there
Used a duvet as a sheild, laughed to hide a flood of tears.
So when you sit and gossip you only have half a story.
The affair I had that blew it all
Only existed in another's thoughts
You see I did change and wasn't me
Depression did that to me
But once ill I was no more use, for building a house and taking kids to school
I hear you found some other grass but when I left he packed his bags
No you blame it all on me
Oh why oh why didn't I see?
All that was wrong was all my fault so now I'm gone who is its now?
Mine again! How odd is that!
So who really lost the plot
You drove me to the edge of life and appeared to be a model wife
So now I'm done with all your hate and all the lies and pain
You may never realise it's you not me who ruined your life.