it shakes me to my core. suicide, its always in my life, in my mind." a permanent solution to a temporary problem" I don't have a problem. I don't know why I want to **** myself, I just do. my life is an endless reminder of failure. why not end the reminder, just like an alarm you use too wake up. why keep on listening to it  when you can just silence it and get extra sleep. my life is a cycle. my life is worthless. my life is meaningless. your life is meaningless. we are all meaningless. what does it matter if I **** myself? people will be sad for a week? my mom will be sad? my dad? I'm selfish? I don't care I'll be dead... they will get over it and live their lives just like they did 14 years ago.

Where do I stand in this vast world of ours?
Where is my place and where do I belong?
Who am I and who do I aspire to become?
In five years where do I see myself?
Do I wish to blend into obscurity or rise above the rest?
Do I aim to be a force to be reckoned with, or merely a fleeting shadow?
A businesswoman commanding respect, or an enigmatic figure of desire?
A woman carving her path in a world dominated by men.
Who, I ask, do I truly wish to become?

In the realm of numbers, behold the three,
An oddity among the even, a lone entity,
Unfair and unyielding, it stands tall,
A trio, with a duo and one in thrall.

I am the extra, never part of the pair,
Always on the side, solitarily, in despair,
The power of three, a force to behold,
Capable of breaking, a story untold

In the darkness where shadows reign,
Lies a place untouched by light's domain.
A heavy weight that suffocates the soul,
A numbing ache that refuses to console.

A silent storm that rages within,
Drowning out the joy that life could bring.
It grips the heart with tendrils of despair,
Leaving behind a lingering, heavy air.

But even in this deep and endless night,
There's hope for a sliver of guiding light.
A flicker of warmth, a hand reaching out,
To lift the spirit from its endless doubt.

In the symphony of life, we find our song,
Notes and rhythms that carry us along.
Melodies of joy, harmonies of sorrow,
Music whispers of our hopes for tomorrow.

A bassline of strength, a drumbeat steady,
Guitar strings strumming, keeping us ready.
Through highs and lows, the music never ends,
A soundtrack to life, our faithful friends.

In the depths of your care, I find despair,
While you provide, your presence I can't bear.
Though you call yourself my loving father,
Your actions have left a scar I can't smother.
My heart aches with the wounds you've bestowed,
You're no father to me, this truth must be known

Home is where I find solace,
Where I am truly at peace,
No judgments, just pure connection,
A place where my heart finds release.

Yet I was born into a broken nest,
Where judgment and hatred reside,
Though that's the home where I was raised,
I still hold love deep inside.

I love my home, despite the pain,
And I still hold love for you, dear mom,
For love endures through sunshine and rain,
In the place where it all began.

Why do we get stuck in the past?
Why can't there be a move on point in life where all of your past mistakes and promises fall from your mind.
Why do I spend every morning and night over-analyzing the past as if it changes anything.
The way you overcome the past is to fight it head to head.
The past is haunting, but that doesn't mean the present and future will be.
"will be" those two words should give every individual hope in life.
today will be..
tomorrow will be..
don't let the past haunt you.
yesterday is gone tomorrow is unknown so you should just live the day.

my trouble is I analyze life instead of living it.
I recognize that I live now and only now, and I will do what I want to do THIS moment and not what I decided was best for me yesterday.
next time I will...
from now on I will...
what makes me wiser today than I was yesterday?

"I will be what I will be"-but I am now what I am, and here is where I will spend my energy.
today I will work in rhythm with myself and not with what I 'should be"
I AM WHAT I AM
"I will be what I will be" what's the anxiety in that?
it is enough that I am off value to someone today.
it is enough that I make a difference now.
"what do I want to do in life?" "what is my purpose?" my assumption is that I have a reason for living, that my life has a direction. but maybe we are not moving in one direction any more than history. the assumption that I am heading toward something makes me want to justify my past actions and plan out the future. the reason I don't want to drive,wait in line, run errands,etc., is that in the back of my mind I beleive I have a destiny and that therefore this mundane task is a waste of my time because it does not contribute to the "important work" I have to do before I die.
the way for me too live is to have no way at all.

a pretty face too look at across the room?
a familiar face too lean apon?
a slimy **** of a girl too giggle and laugh at with your knife faced friends?
a ****? is that what i am to you.
because if so I think you are a disgusting.
unsightly.
agonizing.
unbelievable excuse for a person.
I think you belong in the deep depths of disappear where you live for eternity if that is all I am.

A "cutter"
2 hours.
2 weeks.
2 years.
                                2 minutes.
it doesn't matter how long.
a realization every "cutter" is forced too realize at some point.
                                 A "cutter"