You sit on a chance until the non compostable breaks and sinks into the earth
the moon is closer than it appears and if dandelions don’t have a place than most people don’t





-kaitlynmariesdiary

is he who you really want?

is it his eyes, sharp shooters that have seen the world that I love

is it his mouth
that says the words that fill the void at the moment, but could never stand alone

or perhaps his hands
that hold me and comfort me
that allow me a sense of home within cracking walls and leaking faucets

a part of me knows
another part pretends not to know

dancing around the tone of her voice
exhaling too loud to drown the echoes
of "I love that color" and the "aren't you the neighbor girl?"

when a 22 year old meets a 97 year old-
rest in peace, Ole

The eyes of a woman hang low in the night and glance at no one but themselves, for some, relaxation doesn't exist and intensity persists. You can live tense but there wouldn't be much room left for you.
-

with tight lips
to not let any of me slip
I the embodiment of fear
wrapped in a gold cloth
I am rich
rich in potential
its raining over me
so much that I can't see


Where I am going

when you realize fully that what you can't control is no fault or imperfection you hold,
the most bountiful sense of relief you behold

the gloomy days aren't personal- but
the sunshine is

night darkened his eyes, heightened the heights of one step down
lengthened the time of a second into decades
worried him to death

Pale faces and burned out mistakes. See, I can’t see your past on your face. But I can see what it has done to you

I can see the marks of joy and tears that have wrapped themselves around your eyes. Holding on a death grip

They will not fall

I see how social media has cropped out everyone you love
Blurred out what you wanted to say
I see how social media has made your reflection grainy
Make you confused on your true identity
See, you can’t pick your emotions like your photos
Can’t fake a real-life moment with a smile
Have others see the parts of you only those who have seen the worst should have the luxury of seeing

don't give them your good side

until they've seen you at the breaking point

Take your breath and build a bridge

yes the years have gone by
but the scent of a burning cigarette
and kisses in between hasn't left
it may have been a dream
but I will carry it forever
maybe it wasn't too good to be true
it was true and it was good
a short time felt like a long while
how are you
time has passed and my greatest wish is for you to heal
you locked the door, every one you could find
and my smile you could see from heavens away

I get it,
you just stopped loving me in the time it takes to catch a snowflake. Slowly melting the strings to an arrangement of two and all of this time you said: I love you. Like it was a phone and you answer the same question daily. It just spits out of your mouth with no hesitation- never once was there hesitation. Never once did the words run themselves through your body. You would have felt it. Love is an emotion. You can't tell me you feel nothing.

have you ever felt jealous of a connection,
not a person?

..

a melody that wasn't meant for your ears

Slow as molasses sliding through a riverbank
as fast as a tortoise gets to the other side of the moon
Ripples in your ocean
weak enough to be silent in the night
Strong enough you might float away














-kaitlynmariesdiary

I've met people I didn't think were human
and I've broken the human in me trying to figure them out

An absence of being; sights of you everywhere at once
and the night has me casted into the sky

I want to be anywhere but here

The lines on your face intrigued me
And the smile that barely made an appearance you dared me

The door was unlocked
Your hand made its way down my *****
And I wanted you closer

As the lights turned out…
It stopped

It was as if our love was nocturnal
Not love;
Our passion;
Not passion;
Our 15 seconds of fame

But whatever it was
It’s over now

And now my story is in the hands of whomever
I won't reach out anymore,
Because I pull too hard

It turns sadness into a flower growing in the shadows

Stopping at green lights
Burning through stars
As I was stargazing

I'm the person that's been living under a rock- AND LET ME TELL YOU it's been the best experience but most challenging in my life

Because rocks are overlooked like a lot of human beings, sought under the ground hanging onto their roots- clenching and praying even if they don't believe in anything

Your life will never pause, it'll just tick without your permission, move you along the day at its own willingness

“I’m not sure”


I said;

I am.

Goodbye

It's unclear where writing poems will get me,

But they have gotten me out of my mind, hardships, suffocating fears

And that's ok if that's all I get

Across the table sits a leather black  chair with absolutely no meaning.

And me on the other side. Waiting for what’s gone to return, I have this problem where I never give up of hope

Underneath my glittery lids and cheeks,

I am still glittering

...But you can never be certain

This world is so hard for certain people. Like a sewer inching your way, the same sewer you pretended to push me in, the same sewer I imagined one day falling while riding my bike, and eventually I did. I fell but I had a gut feeling I would. My brain didn't strap down and there I lay on the ground. sprawled like a kid. Because I was. And if the only way to being happy is to be a kid, then I'd definitely hitch a ride on the Lala train. Be more protected. I'd be more protected and care about. What do we care about? I strongly dislike having wider eyes than this universe. It hurts every time I blink

don't run away from the pencil
don't run away from the pencil

seeing the command written down,
scares me

writing makes me remember what I would like not to

You can never say I feel no remorse

It's evident in my poems

because I thought of you;
today has turned into forever
by chance the brightest leaves happen to fall on my feet
the grass is fading and responsibilities begin to find their hiding place

I didn't forget
just haven't thought of it in awhile
as the day breathes in the storm and holds it in for a few more days, you start living to prolong the storm, to walk on the outer circle, to breathe a cold fire.

Its not the right thing to do, but the thing that makes you feel alright

Lost in the sounds of tomorrow

you can take my kisses, we can get it on but you can never be as close as I. fighting to get to the heart, digging a pathway in the cold winter

we met in stages
I felt you as the parade got rained out
felt you again when it was time to go, say goodbye, get in the car, go home
dust and pebbles flew up as you left that driveway like you always did
as I age the river floods, dries up, floods, dries up, and everything in between
sadness has always been a river
a river freezing to the core  
and now you seek to find the ray of sunlight that you hoped would keep you warm

imagination seems so outlandish
dotted lines and crooked t's autumn is as long as a passing train, you see it's wonderful colors and other's may try to get across sooner, you sit crossed legged thinking it won't end but knowing it's only a coping mechanism for change

Come on...
What do you mean you don’t hate anyone? Neither do I. But I strongly dislike those who take others delicate offerings and handle them like yesterday’s trash. You can’t see this delicacy with your eyes, therefore I cannot see the damage. But this girl is no cracked up 1930s handmade pottery bowl from the southern region of France. She’s not an old vase that means something to your long deceased grandmother, so that means it must mean something to you. no. Not even close. Her heart is shaped like a diamond and others act as though she’s a rock and doesn’t know the difference between sincerity and deception. you can spin around her disoriented mind until you get your desired result. Because you take confusion for consent. Because you don’t take I don’t know for an answer. But maybe I really don’t know. Maybe I’m pushing the world back. Denying gravity and maybe a loss of reality. Climbing dumpsters to see what’s good. What’s sealed up. What isn’t contaminated. It’s like looking for affection in a heart that has been walked all over. I sigh when you say you hate someone. Because hate isn’t only a word like (me, her, she) it carries its own legacy and mountainous cliffs of anger. Literally it is a word. But when you’re a dreamer you only think figuratively- yellow and the sunlight are the same thing.

do the holidays have to happen on such untimely moments ?
I don't have the warmth of his presence cascading me into a field of dreams and loving on me until the end of time. I don't have the sound of angels whispering in my ears or something to make this holiday season feel special.
I have time. But I'd rather have you.

This Christmas I don't want to go see the family. Be reminded hes not beside me, be reminded he isn't in this family portrait. It doesn't feel jolly, and fine I'm the Grinch. But at least the Grinch has a dog by his side. One that loves him for all of his hatred.

you did nothing wrong. Not the couples on the street that walk merrily along the path of tomorrow. You did nothing wrong. My grandma asking why I. . .

no.

not even you.

a prolonged fear~
that once you have, you will never have again. that once you take, you cannot take again. That what I had will never find it's way back. What I have is up to decide. The pit in my stomach does flips inside-instead of walking with an open mind. I'm worried. I really am

I’m a tree in a forest,
Pretty strawberry blonde hair,
Hiding in the middle of the open,
Words to say but no one to express
Passing faces but nobody wants to stay
Been not showing up to work like I can live off of guilt

Can still be strong enough to march on when I’m holding onto a line of emotion that I have caused

today I strung along with my pink backpack and hat that didn't fit

I walked alone with the breeze and eyes that walked instead of feet

down to the place I always go, where I see people come in and out

of my view and nocturnal youth only knowing what they can see

I don't blame them for having more friends than me

for socializing and living

for that's who I am

and that's what I'm missing

but I stay tucked in my corner

in case the sky breaks

-

I’m sorry I have run out of excuses
Nothing left to wave yet another red flag,

I didn’t because I didn’t and I’m sorry. I sleep in my moms bedroom until my dad goes to bed because I still feel safe, I still feel full of something

And I’m nothing without her.

The most torture I would like for you to endure

is the memory of someone who adores you,
I hope i look beautiful in your visions,
and it hurts every inch of your heart
i hope it ties knots in your stomach
and you feel the burning singe of regret
and that it doesn't stop

my wish is for the night sky that one special night
colors your eyes
and the taste of my lips is what you crave

my wish is for you to love me
I wish it was the same

You’re not broken
You don’t need to be fixed

You need to be tuned
Whether it be natures great escape
Crossing off fears of your past
Letting a bitter remark slide into sewage

You’re not broken
You don’t need to be fixed