Open my eyes a little bit wider
And turn my head another way.
There is a light in the distance, I know.
Someday, somehow I’ll see it glow,
Igniting the flicker of a flame left in me
Into a blazing fire, a burning passion.
It’s easy to hate but takes courage to love,
And darkness has no answers.
I was born to help others but always forget
To help my own self when I want what I want.
There is a light in the distance, I know,
And I will stand high, and I will stand strong
With Your grace, love, and guidance pushing me through
Like a stone in this hurricane
And my head held high.
I will learn to end this hypocrisy.
I will learn to fight this through.
I will learn to love myself again
And stop running from my heart.
For it is only after the rain that we can find a rainbow,
It is only after a storm that we see the flowers bloom.
And I will reach out my hand into the dark
To whatever force will guide me,
And on the day the sun chooses to rise
I will stop to smell the flowers.
There is a light in the distance I know.
Watch me wake up and come to life,
And join me in living in love.

And for so long
I’ve been blissfully numb –
So content and happy in finding myself,
Caught up in my work,
And rekindling friends –
That when you spoke and looked into my eyes,
For the first time in months…
I felt again.

Eyes closed, but I awaken
In the bed where my soul was stolen time after time
After a long night of tears and heartbreak
And turning to you.
Eyes closed, but the knowledge,
The sense that you’re lying right here, but a breath away,
Is the only comfort necessary,
A familiarity I feel I should have known before.
Eyes open to you looking back at me.
Pull me closer, my protection, my friend,
Tear stains on your shoulder.
Tonight I take back my heart for someone new.*

Eyes closed ‘cause it was a dream a year in the making
In the bed where I lay alone for the last six months,
Searching for myself in this tragic, numb world
Outside of what I’ve always known and supposedly wanted.
Eyes closed wanting to relive the moment a bit longer –
Just a little bit longer, please, I beg –
I don’t want to go back to who I was,
But I don’t want to leave where I’ve been.
Eyes open, I awaken from my vivid memory
Of the night I started to fall for you,
Where strength and weakness collided to make fireworks
In the best possible way.

No matter how much I try to control it,
No matter how happy I’m able to make myself,
You run through my veins –
You always run through
Every
Vein.

They are not you –
The ones who show interest,
The ones I grow fond of,
The allegedly perfectly wonderful ones.
They don’t make my heart drop,
They don’t feel my pain,
They don’t have the eyes that take me away,
They don’t raise their eyebrows
Or **** their head side like an adorable puppy
When they say hi.
They don’t feel depressed, or angry, or stubborn,
They don’t hesitate to tell me what they feel,
They don’t harbor stubbornness or prefer to be lone.
They’re here, and nice, and perfectly great.

But they are not you,
And they’ll never be you,
And why, please tell me,
After such a long time
Do I still feel this? –
And why, please tell me,
After such a long time
Do I want what I know must be a lost cause?
And why, please tell me,
After such a long time
Has nothing diminished or faltered or left?

…Why, please tell me, after such a long time?
…Why, please tell me, after such a long time?

Even though I don't love you,
Even though I have no desire to be with you,
Even though I there is no jealousy,
You know exactly how to manipulate
And pierce directly underneath my skin.
Like the needle-***** of a lioness
That makes her lose her sense of composure,
You turn me into a beast.

You're simply the one who's always there.
You delicately place me on a pedestal,
Then rip it from beneath my feet,
So all I can do is fall to the floor
And believe in the worthlessness you make me to be.

I seem to forget that you're "always right,"
Just like you were right every time you lied
To get the one thing that you wanted from me,
Just like you were right when you knocked me down
And smeared my face with dirt and debris,
Just like you were right every time you've done
The same exact thing to others.
Yes, my bad, you're always right.

Don't flatter yourself so much.

You’re boiling blood seeps through my veins,
Half of your genes make up my being,
And sometimes your dense reflection appears
When my attitude looks into the mirror. –
I loathe this.
And don’t you dare scream at my mother.
You aren’t a tenth of the person she is.
I’m sick of the tears that leak from my eyes
When I blame myself for how you treat us. –
I loathe this.
Alone in my room after the blunt door slam,
I stare all around through my tired tears
And wonder what the hell keeps me here,
And where do I belong? –
I loathe this.

Lonely in a crowded room
I sit and see the world I grew up in.
Friends and family all around,
So happy, so fulfilled, and here I am empty. –
I loathe this.
They each have their lives fully figured,
They each have their world in their cozy hometown,
They each have a sunny smile spread out,
Each oblivious to any other kind of life. –
I loathe this.
Dozens of children are running about.
I live in slow motion but see in fast forward.
And the scene that plays before my eyes
Lets me know I don’t belong here. –
I loathe this.

Drink in my hand but not in my blood,
The party storms on into the night.
Keep on refilling your empty hearts,
Keep on smoking your washed up souls. –
I loathe this.
This is what you all call living?
This is what you all call fun?
The drugs, the ***, the games, the alcohol?
This is what fulfills you? –
I loathe this.
I’m not one who’s against a good time,
Evident in my affection for a drink,
But all I see when I scan the room
Is a bunch of worthless, vacant people
On an endless road to nowhere fast. –
I loathe this.

None of this matters, but no one cares.
Am I the only one who sees this nonsense?
Or am I just too boring by being me?
All I know is one simple thing:
This is not where I belong.
I feel no home anymore,
And I don’t know where I’m going,
But I know I’m walking in the dark,
And at least I’m stepping somewhere forward.

Take me away, I beg of you.

A mother’s love
Is cleaning the scrape on her knee
When she’s fallen off her bike.

A mother’s love
Is watching Tarzan
Eight days in a row
Without complaining.

A mother’s love
Is taking her to dance class
Four days a week
Year after lengthy year.

A mother’s love
Is saying “I love you”
Every night before she falls asleep
For twenty years and counting.

A mother’s love
Is holding her in her arms
(As a grown eighteen-year-old)
While her broken heart bleeds down her face.

A mother’s love
Is saying “I don’t know, but I’m here for you”
When all she asks is “Why?”
Over and over endlessly.

A mother’s love
Is the song played on repeat
As they sing at the top of their lungs
During every long car ride.


And a daughter’s love
Is being able to see,
Able to accept,
And thankful for the fact
That she can honestly call her mom
One of her best and most supportive friends.

*******,
You ignorant,
Selfish,
Lying
*******
For still treating me like a ******* after all these ******* years.
You cut me out for being cranky?
I cut you out for being you.

I should have gone with my ******* gut when I was ******* told to do so.