I can lay
right next to you
and never touch you

I can see you smile
from across the room
without kissing you

I can watch you
leave the room
and resist hugging you goodbye

But sometimes
when I'm next to you
you have to ask me to move away

Because for a few minutes
I let fantasy get confused with reality
and I lean against you during a movie

And it's so warm
your arm and mine, touching
for that minute I'm at peace

But when you ask
of course I make room
Because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable

And if you weren't my friend
I would probably try it
just once, to know what it would be like to kiss you

But ideally,
I'll get over this
and when I am, we'll still be friends

So in the meantime
I try not to think about kissing you
and I only hug you when I have reason to

What I'm saying is
I will do what I can
to keep myself sane and our friendship intact

But just know
that with every look I give
I wish I could give so much more.

She brings me morning coffee and tissues
(Tissues, ostensibly a coaster)
for she knowing.

Poetry,
I am writing,
needing then,
to wipe up
the spilling
tears.


PostScript:
Which of the mysteries within this poem
need answers?
All or None.

A black heart as cold as the oceans below
A broken heart left to wither and slow
Did I consider it? The consequence?
Of trying but failing to reach for the sky?
I don't think I ever understood the implications
Of learning the answer to the question why
When I learned the answer my lust for life was killed
My shallow sense of hopelessness was filled
Set back every time and forced to rebuild
My idealism was riddled with holes of misconception
Lies just keep coming from inexplicable directions
And I'm glaringly aware of my every imperfection
Why do I bother to struggle through my days?
Like a rat without a clue I'm lost in the maze
When I hold the map I always choose the wrong ways
And I am too old to think that this is just a phase
This is never ending; this is considered real
There is no room for happiness in what you should feel
I don't think I can live like this
I can't live with the memories of the friends I miss
I can't deal with all of my past transgressions
God doesn't love me because I don't do confessions
I'm not important so I don't get exceptions
I just sink down into the depths of depression
How many times am I expected to fight back?
When do you throw in the towel against the attack?
The attack that forms the very basis of life
A life that is filled with so much terror and strife
Every day beats me down; it's harder to get back up every time
It becomes impossible to convince myself that I'm fine
So my heart turns black like coal from the mines
As my soul finds shelter in a simple configuration of lines
Soon this will be all that's left of me
I will never live up to the person I want to be
Some might label my loss a catastrophe
Remember I told you from the beginning that I was a mess?
From the day you first saw me you knew I was depressed
And we shared and understanding that if I were to go
It would be no ones fault but my own
Please don't try to stop it now
I can't handle what this world has in store
But I promise I will be by your side forever
And you wont have to deal with me anymore
Im sorry if you are saddened by the initial shock
I love you so much and I'll miss you a lot
But the only permanent way out of this mess
The only way to stop feeling so much more less
Is to hang it up at the end of a rope
Until the end separates the pain from my ghost
Out of everyone I hope you understand the most
Because you and I were so close
I don't want to leave you but I've got to go
I can't do this again my heart is so low
Please let me make the journey in peace
A journey with a destination so incredibly sweet
A destination defined by never ending sleep
I want to die, dear, and we both know it was in the cards
We both knew my future was always marred
Don't miss me too much; I won't leave you side
I'll always be with you long after I've died
And on the day that it happens I hope you won't cry
I will be so content to forever just lie
I dont deserve anything i have any way
I dont deserve the promise of another day
I dont deserve friends and i dont deserve you
So I think that dying is the best thing to do
Killing myself will be easy
Leaving you will be harder than you know
But I'm finally beaten down and broken
I'm sorry but I've got to go