I was a pessimist
until I fell in love with a pessimist

The good will cancel out the bad if you let it,
I told him
Until I believed it

I remember our last night
You had that look in your eyes
And I knew somewhere
You were saying goodbye

While I was holding on
You were letting go
I remember...
Time slowed to a crawl

The words you spoke
Weren't really yours
Something else had taken over
It was all in the look in your eyes

Your voice said go
But your eyes said stay
So I wrapped myself in you
And held on tight

Tried to console you
Until we feel asleep
And for a moment
Everything made sense

Then morning came
I had a plane to catch
An unpacked suitcase
No time to waste

I remember our final goodbye
Outside the security gate
Tears blurred my vision
Pain consumed my heart

I felt your strong arms
And your soft lips
Whisper, "I love you"
Then I had to go

I saw you one last time
******* a kiss
And as I tried to catch it
You were already gone

My mind has an edge
Like a blade.
I feel it grinding
Hard, eating away.
My heart is on ice
So cold, no feeling.
Is it possible that I could
Melt away

If life is a highway then friends are a three car pileup
Disaster is waiting, but we still drive
Stay in our lanes and try not to get caught

Music on the stereo still ringing in my ears
As I fly through the windshield
Asphalt catching at my skin and ripping through my faded denim jeans

Just broken glass and bent metal holding our bodies
In macabre poses for the morning edition
In other news, everybody goes in the end

But I get up and you get up and the cars keep going by
Like a wreck never happened
And we don’t matter at all

You said,
I know he hurt you
Over and over and over
Again
But just know that I'm thankful
He brought you to me
Because you heal me
Over and over and over
Again
And I cried myself to sleep

“Write about ***” I whisper to myself
“No. No, that’s disgusting” I respond with vigor
“Write about love.” I suggest in the condescending tone adults often take with me
But I do not want to write about love,
I have never been in love
I have never felt anything like love
I hate writing about love
I hate the pronouns
I always want to write about hers
About the smell of perfume on her dress
And the way her hair curls and twists like the plotline of an Oscar Wilde novel
I always want to write about she’s
And the way she never makes fun of my silence
And the way she laughs
And the way she cheats off of me in geometry,
Even though we both know my answers are always wrong
She’s like a triangle
A cute
But if I were a shape
I’d be obtuse
Because when  we walk to together in the hallway I always get the urge to grab her hand
But I never have
And  I want to tell her to take off her makeup because she’s just so perfect
And you know she cried last week and I didn't know what to say
I never know what to say around her
But she never minds, she can have a conversation with me and I never have to say anything
And some days it takes all my restraint
Not to write about her
And I want to write about how I love her
I want to write about the way I love her
But hatred always hits me in the gut
And pain in the face
And shame cripples my fingers
So that I can never write she
And when he comes out of my pen
I rip the pages of my failed poem out of my notebook
And cry
Because I can’t stand writing lies

Without your spit in my kiss, there's still so much of you left to miss & without your bones in my bed, there's still so much of you left in my head.