PARODY OF "OCTOPUS'S GARDEN" BY RINGO STARR.

I'd like to be in the country
In a marijuana garden in the shade
They'd let us skid, and smoke a lid
In a marijuana garden in the shade

I'd ask my friends to come and smoke
A bowl of good until they all choke
I'd like to be in the country
In a marijuana garden in the shade

We would find digs, and ditch the pigs
In our little hideaway inside a van
Resting our head on a truck bed
In a marijuana garden on a ranch.

We would laugh at stupid ****.
We'd forget why and take a hit.
I'd like to be in the country
In a marijuana garden in the shade

We would smoke and talk about
The police that put us all away
(put your stoner *** away)
Oh I'm high! I'm high as the blue sky
Forgot to go to work today.
(Unemployed today)

We would be so toasted you and me
No one there to call the boys in blue
I'd like to be in the country
In a marijuana garden with you
In a marijuana garden with you
In a marijuana garden with you

I see Sloth from “The Goonies”
whenever I see you.
You softly ask me to make love
but I hear “Baaaby Ruuuuth?”

Maybe it's your crooked teeth
or your rancid funk.
When you say you love me so
it comes out “Sloth love Chunk!”

I see Sloth from “The Goonies”
when we go socialize.
And when you greet our many friends,
you're saying “HEY YOU GUUUYS!”

Maybe it's the way you grunt
or just your lazy eye.
But when I'm having *** with Sloth
it makes me want to die.

PARODY OF "THE DUCK SONG"

A duck walked down where the Democrats go
And he said to the man runnin' the show:
"Hey! Got any guns?"
The man said: "No, we just sell this *******,
But it's dumb, and I'll bet, you'll buy all of it!
Can we count on your vote?"
The duck said: "No."

Then he waddled away - waddle waddle
'Til the very next day...

When the duck walked down where the Democrats go
And he said to the man runnin' the show:
"Hey! Got any guns?"
The man said: "No, like I said yesterday
We just sell you *******, okay?
Why not vote for our guy?"
The duck said: "Good bye."

Then he waddled away - waddle waddle
Then he waddled away - waddle waddle
Then he waddled away - waddle waddle
'Til the very next day...

When the duck walked down where the Democrats go
And he said to the man runnin' the show:
"Hey! Got any guns?"
The man said: "Look, this is gettin' old.
I mean, ******* is all we've ever sold.
Why not give us your vote?"
The duck said: "How about... no."

Then he waddled away - waddle waddle
Then he waddled away - waddle waddle waddle
Then he waddled away - waddle waddle
'Til the very next day...

When the duck walked down where the Democrats go
And he said to the man runnin' the show:
"Hey! Got any guns?"
The man said: "That's it! If you don't stay the **** away,
you're a terrorist bound straight for Guantanamo Bay.
So give us your vote!"
The duck said: "Adios!"

Then he waddled away - waddle waddle
Then he waddled away - waddle waddle waddle
Then he waddled away - waddle waddle
'Til the very next day...

When the duck walked down where the Democrats go
And he said to the man runnin' the show:
"Hey! Got your Free Speech?"
"What?" "Got your Free Speech?" "No, why would I - oh..."
"Then one more question for you:

"Got any guns?"

And the man just stopped,
The he started to twitch,
He started to cry,
then started to *****.
He said: "Come on, duck,
Let's go to DC.
Talk to Obama,
So you don't have to harass me."

So they went to DC,
And Obama said “Hey”.
Tried to shake the duck's hand,
And the duck said: "Hmm, no thanks.

“But you know what I think?
And this is real as it gets
I think DC...
I think DC...
I think DC
is full of *******."

Then he waddled away - waddle waddle
Then he waddled away - waddle waddle waddle
Then he waddled away - waddle waddle

Hello, good sir.
How dee do?
It sure is nice to meet ya.
I think that I'll have *** with you
and then I'll prob'ly eat ya.

I like to worship Satan
who lives way down in hell,
and when he said "You'll be here too!"
I told him "Gosh, that's swell."

I like to worship Satan.
He's awfully sweet and kind,
and when he said "I want your soul!"
I told him "I don't mind."

I like to worship Satan
and take big guns to school
and open fire on my peers
cause Satan thinks it's cool.

Hail Satan!

Tap tap tap
was the sound of their heartbeats.
Tap tap tap
was the song of their love.
Tap tap tap
was the way that they showed it.
Tap tap tap
was just not good enough.

Tap tap tap
was a sign of affection
Tap tap tap
in a world full of hate.
Tap tap tap
Will this love find acceptance?
Tap tap tap
Well for Tom, it's too late.

Tap tap tap
Why are people so ugly?
Tap tap tap
Why are people so cruel?
Tap tap tap
Why must love be forbidden?
Tap tap tap
Is that really the rule?

Tap tap tap
And now Tom's gone forever.
Tap tap tap
And poor Shane is a mess.
Tap tap tap
And he isn't allowed to
Tap tap tap
see his love laid to rest.

Tap tap tap
How much bile they were spitting!
Tap tap tap
I'm surprised they don't choke.
Tap tap tap
Is it shameful to mention
Tap tap tap
that they're church-going folks?

Tap tap tap
Now that Shane has gone viral
Tap tap tap
He's out screaming it loud
Tap tap tap
that this “God given” hatred
Tap tap tap
must no more be allowed.

Tap tap tap
was the sound of their heartbeats.
Tap tap tap
was the song of their love.
Tap tap tap
was the way that they showed it.
Tap tap tap
might just be good enough.

A POETIC MONOLOGUE

Romeo, romeo
wherefore art thou Romeo
Why are you Romeo?
Why must I be attracted to Romeo?
Was it God that made me this way?
The Christians will scoff
and they will judge
and they will say
“It's a choice that you yourself make”

Is this what you believe?
That every struggle I go through,
every ignored prayer I've ever prayed,
every tear I cried,
was all happening by my own choice?
You would dare to sit there
and hold me in judgement
and tell me that none of my feelings are real?

And you tell me that I have a choice to make,
that I can choose life or choose death.
Choose who you will follow!
As for you and your house,
you will serve the LORD.
And I came to the conclusion
that's you're absolutely right.
I have a choice to make,
and here is what I have decided:

I choose life.
Life lived how I want to live it!
Not dictated by someone else's morals
handed down to them by some
ancient blood god.
No, this is life as I choose it!

A life of loving someone
until you feel like they are a part of you.
A life of selflessness
in that you would die just to save them,
A life of laughter,
of tears,
of fights,
of make ups
and tender moments.
Is that really all that different
from what you have?

I choose to break out of the mental *******
that you programmed into me
throughout my entire life.
I choose to believe that our Creator
would not give us the ability to love like that
and then punish us eternally for doing it.
I choose to break free of fear
of stigmas and prejudices and ideas
that make no logical sense.

So you asked me my choice,
and now you have it.
Ostracize me!
Label me!
Gossip about how perverted I am
among the other church hens!
Your ******* will no longer hold me back.
Your scare tactics and your unreasonable hatred
will only add fuel to the fire of the rage
that you yourselves have kindled.
Perhaps you could even say
that my anger is fueled by the hell fires
that will one day consume me.

There should be no shame in loving Romeo.
As Juliet said as she stood there,
her love far below,
“Deny thy father and refuse thy name, 
Or if thy wiltnot,be but sworn my love, 
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.”
Montegue and Capulet,
their love forbidden.
Their families against them.
And one said to the other
“Forsake those who oppose us to be with me.
Or if you will not forsake anyone,
then I will forsake those who discourage me.
To be with you.

That my Christian family will ostracize me
when they find out
does not bother me.
That many friends who are Christians
will suddenly have no time for me
does not bother me.
What bothers me is that you could be so cold
while claiming to have the love of God
that you would treat people this way.
Where's your compassion?
Where's your mercy?
God commanded you
to have those things too.
I guess picking cherries
doesn't just happen in orchards.

I wish I had a voice.
I wish I was someone that people listened to.
I would tell people to love without question
and NEVER
let anyone
tell you who you can love.
Stand up and be proud,
and proud of the ones who love you so much.
Grab life by the *****,
if you'll pardon the expression,
and stand up for what matters to you.
Show those who oppose you
that you love this person so much
that you would gladly forsake being a Montague
to be with them.
And that they would happily leave behind the Capulets
just for an opportunity to hold hands with you.

That I found someone
I would spend the rest of my life with
should be a happy moment for them.
That they'd turn it into such a moment of sadness
is heartbreaking beyond words to express.
Oh I'm not a member of your family anymore?
Oh I should lose your phone number?
Well played, Christian brothers and sisters.
Well played.
But I will not be discouraged.
I will not be swayed.
Must I forsake the Capulets to be with my love?
Fine.
So be it.

But let it be known now
that I will not be silent.
I will not cry off until
injustice has been broken
and humanity's darker side
falls into a dark grave
dug with it's own ignorance and hatred.
Until every person is free under the law
until every voice raised against us
finally falls silent.

Equal love, equal rights.
Peace, brothers and sisters.

In the field
where roses sing
a lonely man approaches.
His face is haggard,
stained and scarred
yet strong as he encroaches.

He won't stop
to think of rest
though long his quest has taken.
His ka-tet broken
friends all dead
yet his resolve's not shaken.

He goes up
the ancient steps
and sees his precious moments.
Why does he smell
sweet alkali?
Is this a form of torment?

Thirty-eight
he sees his love,
sweet Susan dead from fire.
Oh Char-you tree!
He feels such guilt
but keeps climbing the spire.

Up he goes.
He ponders this:
Mayhap it goes forever?
But, no. It can't!
His life is long,
but not that long, however.

To the top
where one last door
with ROLAND on the surface
does call to him
and begs him come,
for was this not his purpose?

There engraved
upon the ****,
the guns his father gave him
wrapped in a rose.
But they are gone.
No, even they won't save him.

Past the door
the hot Mohaine
and alkali await him.
He begs mercy
but ka has none.
The Tower it did bait him.

Roland, he
begins anew
and remembers not a thing.
He marches on,
the Tower waits
among where roses sing.

You are my sunshine
You brought light to my world
My only sunshine
and made my sails unfurl
You make me happy
and now that I can ride the wind
when skies are gray
I feel my heart grow warm again

You'll never know dear
My precious, precious, sacred one
how much I love you
You radiate just like the sun
Please don't take
And when our too-short lives are done
my sunshine away
You'll know that you were always... loved.

PARODY OF "IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN" FROM "THE WIZARD OF OZ"

(Scarecrow)
I could scare away the haters
Who ain't nuthin' but traitors
and not Ameri-cuns.
And my clip I'd be loadiin'
Fill the ******* with forebodin'
If I only had a gun

The body would be riddled
of any individ'le
Who ever hurt someone

(Dorothy)
With the shots you'd be shootin'
You could be another Nugent
If you only had a gun

(Scarecrow)
Oh, I would tell you of
The second amendment
I could shoot at people like the President
And then I'd sit and do a stint.

It would not be just a trifle
to ban my assault rifle
and ruin all my fun.
I would ***** and then I'd gripe
And shoot you in the windpipe
If I only had a gun.

Two paths diverged in a wood
And I thought of Robert Frost
Who taught me to take the one less traveled.
The left path was covered in bramble bushes and thorns
The right was clear and cozy.
The left was dark,
Mysterious
Strangely inviting.

And did I take the path less traveled as a hipster might do,
Out of fear of conformity?
No.
Did I take it because Robert Frost told me to?
No.
I took the path less traveled because I knew already where everyone else was going.
To push through the brambles,
To decide my own path,
To choose my own destiny despite the hardships,
Meant veering away from the popular.
But it also meant new results.

And I have bled.
I have been cut
Slashed
Wounded for the transgression of being different.
And the path has been painful.
It has been hard.
Many that I thought would walk with me
Have fallen by the wayside.
Yet I look at how far I have come
How much I have grown.
Yes, this path has hurt me.
It has hurt me enough to want to turn back,
To cry off my quest and leave the path of the beam.
How much pain can one person endure?
How much will snap even the strongest resolve?
Still, I persisted.

Through pain
Through rain and snow
Death and tears
Heartbreak and sorrow
I marched forward.
And Robert Frost was right all along:
It really has made all the difference.

I can't escape the hell I'm in.
Although I struggle and beg for rapture,
I'm shackled,
Imprisoned,
Captured.

Captured forever.

Captured by feelings
Bound by my love
Here in this darkness
The only light the endless fire of that love.
And I know so long as the fire burns
What we had lives on.
Yet it reminds me
that what we had is gone.

Oh fire!
Consume me!
Stop the painful beating of my heart.
For every beat screams his name.
And that name echoes off the rock walls
Piercing and slicing
like the pitchforks of devils.

If you could but end me,
Or reduce yourself to coals
That I may feel your heat no longer.
For no flame of hell ever singed so painfully.
No pit of Tartarus was ever so tortuous.
No ****** soul ever suffered so much.
Sisyphus never pushed a boulder so heavy.

As Satan fell from heav'n like lightning,
So too did I fall into this pit of agony.
In losing him I fell from grace.
I tumbled from a heavenly place
Into my own damnation.
There is nothing left but the flames
And the screams
And the tears that never fully dry.

I raise my shackled hands high.
I scream for him.
I tell him again and again that I love him.
I repent with every breath of my sins.
I beg him for mercy.
But I must pay the price for my crimes.
I have lost my place as bearer of light.
I have lost my place as his sunshine.
My place is here now
Where the eternal fires of my love are never quenched
And the agonizing worm of regret dieth not.
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here!
To love is to walk streets of gold.
To lose it is to cross the river Styx.

I can't escape the hell I'm in.
Although I struggle and beg for rapture,
I'm shackled,
Imprisoned,
Captured forever by love.

Yoko Ono is a *****
who sings just like a seagull.
I'd like to push her off a cliff
cause she destroyed the Beatles.

Yoko Ono's face looks like
she just ****** on a lemon.
Lennon thought that she was fine
but I think she's a demon.

Yoko Ono's art is crap.
She's really not that good.
She thinks that Chapman might **** her.
I wish that ***** would.

Yoko Ono seems to think
the public just adores her.
We see through her, we know the truth.
We actually abhor her.

Yoko Ono lives alone.
Her husband met a gun.
She sold his ****** glasses
and she got a hefty sum.

Yoko Ono has no heart
and that's the bottom line.
If I saw her burn in hell,
well that would suit me fine.

As a child I always thought
My mother suffered from brain rot.
She told me I was making plots
to eat her up when I was not.
CONCLUSION...
Mirror, mirror on the wall
I ate my mother bones and all.

**** is such a lovely way
to say just what you're thinking.
And you might find you say it more
on days when you've been drinking.

It's used most as an adjective
like "You're my ******* chum."
It's also useful as a verb
like "May I **** your ***?"

It's also used in other words
like "Abso-*******-lutely."
It conveys rage or sarcasm
like "Someone ******* shoot me!"

"*******!" said the angry man
that you cut off this morning.
"**** your mom and **** your dad!
How bout some ******* warning?"

You used it to describe your God.
"Oh Jesus ******* Christ!"
That's what you screamed up to the sky
when your hand met the knife.

You used it to describe your girl.
"You stupid ******* *****!
You ****** around! I know you did!
I've got the ******* itch!"

You talk about your ******* boss.
He's such a ******* *****.
He ****** you on your ******* check
cause he ***** ******* ****.

Yes **** is such a lovely phrase
to sing or scream or murmur
Say it to the wrong man, though
and you'll get ******* murdered.

“Jesus take the wheel!” she cried
as her car did spin.
She crashed into a mighty tree
and her ribcage smashed in.

As she stood at heaven's gate
and asked why she was dead
Jesus shook his head and asked
if she'd flunked driver's ed.

She told him that she had not
and he said “Yeah you did.
Otherwise you would have known
to turn into a skid.”

Once you were a friend
I gladly would have died for--
you cared not at all.

I gave you my heart
and everything I could give--
you cared not at all.

I showed you my love
and how much you meant to me--
you cared not at all.

I called on the phone
I sent you cards and letters--
you cared not at all.

I owed you my life
and tried to show that to you--
you cared not at all.

Anything for you!
All you had to do was call--
you cared not at all.

I loved you so much
My heart broke because I knew--
you cared not at all.

Red is blood
Red is fire.
Red is your eyes
As the drugs take you higher.

Red as my heart
As it bleeds for you.
Red as my throat
As it screams for you.

Red in my eyes
As I cry once again.
I light up a Joe
And it's red at the end.

Red in my dreams
Red when I wake.
Blood on a cross
As my faith I forsake.

Red is for passion.
Red is for love.
But my love and passion
They weren't enough.

Red for the sunsets
All those that we'll miss.
Red for your lips
That I'll never kiss.

Red for the torment.
Red for the pain.
I wish away red
But I do so in vain.

I don't like your face.
I don't like your eyes.
I don't like your hair.
I don't like your thighs.

You're gross and quite disgusting.
Your nose is full of hairs.
It sounds like charging rhinos
when you walk down the stairs.

Oh how I wish that you
would choke to death on your own tongue.
Because your whole existence
makes me go completely numb.

I like talking with grandma.
She doesn't know my name.
She calls me Franklin Roosevelt.
I love her just the same.

I like talking with grandma
Her eyes see things quite scary.
Her long dead mom,
her childhood dog,
and even magic fairies.

Most people think I'm crazy.
They do not stop to see
that I think grandma's funny
in her senility.

If you like pina coladas
and doing drugs in the rain,
if you're not into Jesus
(cause you have half a brain),
if you like making love in public
or someplace quite unsafe,
we'll meet when I make parole
or I make an escape.

My day in court was just no fun.
They sentenced me to life.
Cause I stuffed buckshot in my gun
and blew away my wife.

You're dedicated one fine day,
they sprinkleth your head.
Then growing up you're helped along
as by the church you're fed.
Then one day you are confirmed
to be a child of Christ.
You swear to serve your precious Lord
and give him your whole life.

Then you're grown, you've flown the coop.
You're off to seminary.
You find a gal, you settle down,
eventually you're married,
You raise some kids, you buy a house,
you build a pretty life.
But then one day it hits you hard
that you can't stand your wife.

And so you start to look around.
At first it's only staring.
And then one night you go too far
and bang your secretary.

So now your wife is mad at you,
and screaming for divorce,
and she don't give one little ****
about your great remorse.

And now it's done forever more.
She's put you through the ringer.
She got the kids, the car, the house,
that ring upon your finger.

You see you loved yourself too much
and didn't love the Lord
and now the price you'll have to pay
is more than you'll afford.

Under the old covered bridge
my defenses fall
like the torrential rain that serenades us.
You pull me in close
your voice like sweet music in my ear
as you whisper you love me.

Under the old covered bridge
our lips connect
and our passion leaves me breathless.
Our hands are hungry
as we shed our garments like animal fur
and come together as one.

Under the old covered bridge
I inquire of you:
Have I a future with the preacher's son?
Your response is as vague
as your father's worthless Sunday sermons.
You offer me nothing.

Under the old covered bridge
I weep as you leave.
You swear an oath that you will call.
I know that you won't.
Your loyalty is with your church
and your archaic god.

Under the old covered bridge
I lie one last time.
I gave my heart and innocence here
and you trampled it.
As my eternal essence slips away,
I whisper your name.

I killed your kid
(it wasn't hard)
and buried him in my back yard.

If I took a gun to school
what would the people say?
Would they try to fight with me
or would they run away?

Would someone try to speak with me
and find out why I'm mad?
Or would they wait till I was dead
and then say I was bad?

Would someone there give me a hug
and tell me it's okay?
All I want is just one friend.
It needn't be this way.

If I took a gun to school
and shot a bunch of kids
would they blame my mom and dad
for something that I did?

I never thought it'd come to this
I'm not evil or cold.
I just can't stand the bullying.
It's constant, truth be told.

They push me down, they spit on me,
they tell me I'm a ***.
We'll see how much you're laughing
when you see what's in my bag.

I took a gun to school today
and now I'm on the news.
Please don't blame my family.
The blame, it lies with you.

My heart it beats
in time with yours.
I feel it strumming
like the music of
God's guitar.

Our souls entwined,
they are as one.
We are two garments
cut from a single
bolt of cloth.

To hold you tight
or to kiss you
would be like a brush
with heaven itself:
pure delight.

I long to be
apart no more.
To be in your arms
and feel your deep love
engulf me.

You are my all,
my love, my life.
To live without you
would devastate me.
I love you.

All she does is nag, nag, nag
and it gets on your nerves
and so one night you tell her off
and that she don't deserve.

You tell her she can't cook or clean
or make a decent roast.
She says she thought you always liked
her scrambled eggs and toast.

You tell her that her toast is black
just like her smoker's teeth.
Her eggs are far too runny
and her coffee is too weak.

She tells you you can go to hell.
You tell her to drop dead.
You storm off in an angry huff,
a red fog in your head.

Then she's packing up a bag,
she's off to stay with mom.
Before she walks on out that door
she drops a major bomb.

She wants a D-I-V-O-R
C-E and that's a fact.
You tell her she can **** herself
cause you don't want her back.

Twenty minutes down the road
you're calling up her phone.
You're sorry you called her a *****
You don't want to be alone.

So she says she'll come on back,
she says she still loves you.
You tell her that you love her too,
but she still burns the food.

Bella looked at Edward
and he looked back at her.
He clenched his fists,
he ground his teeth,
their writer is a ****.

Bella asks the creepy ****
why he was glarin then.
He tells her that
he wants her dead.
She smells like ******.

So she says “Well bite me then.”
And that's just what he does.
He bites her throat,
he rips it out,
and gets his chosen drug.

He take a drink,
he takes a gasp,
then he drinks more and more.
He looks up to the ceiling
and he gives a demon roar.

He leaves her carcass in the woods
which Jacob runs across.
He lifts his leg,
he wets her down
Cause Bella's no big loss.

I'm being devoured by lions.
The whole pride is here for a taste.
And whatever they leave of my carcass
hyenas and vultures won't waste.

I'm being devoured by lions.
They tore out my throat with a snap.
And it's really depressing to think that
I'll end up a big pile of crap.

My name's Forrest
said the man
to anyone he met.
Momma said
God rest her soul
you don't know what you'll get.

Life's a *****
it kicked me
directly in the nuts.
Jenny was great
most of the time
but man was she a ****.

Life's a flash
cause it passed
and boy did it pass fast.
Went to Nam
and lost my friend
and got shot in the ***.

Life is hell
Watched as my
momma gave up her life.
And my dad
hope that he
***** on an exhaust pipe.

Life's not fair.
They said that
I was just a dumb twit.
I laugh when
I see them now
I get paid when I ****.

Life is pain.
Get away!
I'm warning everyone!
Get the ****.
I don't trust you.
I only trust my gun.

******* all
said the man
and don't you dare sit here.
if you do
I swear to God
I'll shoot you like a deer.

There was a time that I loved you
there was a time that I cried
there was a time that we parted
as we said our goodbyes.

There was a time for friendship
there was a time for peace
there was a time that I ruined it
by the hatred I preached.

There was a time for my guilt
there was a time for remorse
there was a time that you loved me
but you don't anymore.

It's now time for acceptance
It's now time to move on
It's now time to release you
and know that you're gone.