hey, I'm not gonna write about you
this 2018. that's what I told my self.
but, i'm ending this
without bitterness.

and i know you're done with me
months ago.
and that i'm the only one
who's having a hard time.

hell, i was the only one who
thought we were real.
i want to believe that
at some point there's something special.

that you felt it.
that i wasn't the only one.
and that you were warmed.

all i wished was to heal you,
but i can't if you don't
want to be saved by me.
she can, of course.

but, thank you.
for cheap beers, and ugly *** playlist,
fast food deliveries at midnight,
and warm hugs.

and, sorry.
for drunk nights, and poetry,
subway sandwich at lunch,
and cold hugs.

no regrets, dear.
you were a lesson to me
and in knowing you,
i lost myself.

No, honey I'm not the paradise,
I'm on the other side of the wall.
I am the war,
the planted bombs,
the gunshots you hear at night.

Your heart skips a beat,
and you thought it was love,
but honey, I'm not the paradise,
I'm the reason you hide under your bed
because of load roar of tanks.

Honey, you thought I was a garden.
But no, I'm on the other side.
I'm not the daisy you water,
I'm not the beautiful scent
outside your backyard,
because I'm the ashes.

I'm the war,
and you know **** well
that the aftermath was a mess.

You had never been mine to begin with
So I'll start off by saying, good bye.
We know **** well that were a mistake
right from the start.

We made fire, but both of us
didn't know how to extinguish.
It was destructive,
we were blinded by the light.

It just so happens that,
we were in the same place,
and at the right time.
But it still is, a bad idea.

And even in your presence,
I gripped. Thinking any warmth you gave
me was better than nothing.
But honey, let's end this.

Remember back in 5th grade?
When the name of the sim
were playing is our only problem?
How about the year after?
When our struggle every month is
which color of rubber to choose for our braces?
And the year after that?
The dentist finally took off my braces
and *******, retainers were next.

Remember back in 8th grade?
Your phone got confiscated for we were
taking pictures during class hours.
How about the year after?
Your fourteenth birthday,
and everyone invited played Just Dance.

And the year after that, your eyes got blurry.
You wore glasses,
then you had a hard time moving
half of your body.
I visit you after class, and I always leave
with a tear in my eye.
The same year, you dropped out of school,
because you can't leave without a wheel chair,
while everyone is marching
and ready to leave our school.

And the year after that?
You stopped fighting.

Remember the days when we just
wanted to shut down?
We destroy ourselves by smoking
cigarettes and drinking every night.
Forgetting that a friend of ours
died because she had to.

We have a choice,
we always have a choice,
she didn't.
But what were we thinking?

it's just that I can't write without wine,
or I can't sleep without wine,
doesn't have the courage to go out
without wine.

You don't know how to use your words
because you've been taught that
talking back is disrespectful.
Honey, I don't blame you
if you keep your mouth shut.

How he yells
that it rings in your ears.
Honey, they thought it'll make you stronger,
but I know you're breaking.

How he grabs you by your hair
when he can't control you.
Honey, I know you want your
house to be your home.

How his words hit you mentally
and his hands physically.
Honey, I don't blame you for mistaking
that love is hurting.

Because you see it in your father.
But you know **** well that they raised you, they can't blame you.