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K Jan 2018
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Sleepless nights,
I keep your secrets
and you keep mine.
We promised we will get through this.

But you didn't.

I just wish I was there,
not just to loosen the noose,
but to ease the pain.

Instead of waiting for your chat,
I should've messaged you first.

Regret is stronger than gratitude,
and I inked one of your artworks
to pay,
it didn't work.

It will never be,
we're talking about breath
and a heartbeat.
I just wish you're here.

and the first night I saw you inside the casket,

I was waiting for your eyes to open,
for your chest to rise,
for your lips to curve into a smile
and say, "I'm here."

We were scarred but yours is a fresh wound
& we left you bleeding,
—all by yourself.
and we're sorry, Julius, our friend
K Oct 2018
That's what I keep telling myself,
is it a good thing or a bad thing?
Almost four months of heart breaks
and a kick on the gut.

And it took me so long to write this poem,
That today marks the 244th day.
Or i dont know, I lost count.
It’s safe to say that it’s been a while.

I don’t really know how I managed
to still be here, breathing.
When all I wanted was to see you,
and look at your smiles.

It’s been a while, and I’m still here.
Maybe because he’s looking out for me.
And that’s the thing that lets me sleep.
That keeps me going.
K Jul 2018
It came into my senses that I've been writing for the people who left,
Not for the people who stayed.
I've been writing at night so let me start off by saying,

This is not the end, but a restart.
I'm writing in the afternoon, naked, before I take my shower,
Thinking, this is enough.
I am enough.

No more silly sorry
that comes out of my mouth automatically.
Like it's been sitting in my tongue,
waiting for my lips to part.

This is not a good bye poem but rather,
a fresh start.
No more hiding and running,
I've been so attached to the people who gave up,
That I almost gave up too.
It was selfish.
The time spent to this

Kingdom of loneliness,
Yelling at me with whispers and thin air,
Letting the void be filled with darkness,
Always listening. Never talking. But, I

Rise with my broken bones, not to fight back but
Only to hug bruised skin, and fragile heart
Saying, "this is nothing,"
Saying, "this is okay."
And say, "I'm still here."
K Feb 2018
I'm not the love letter you send
with matching flowers
and chocolates that could make
my stomach turn.

I'm not the 18 stanza poem you write
with words that are breath taking
stating how beautiful I am
when I ******* smile.

I'm not a novel,
that you read at dawn
and you finish in the morning,
I'm not that fascinating to read.

I'm the suicide letter,
words does not come out much,
but when it does,
it will hurt.

I'm the suicide letter,
words does not come out much,
but when it does,
it will be too late.
it will be heart breaking when you receive one.
K Jul 2018
stiff, my body's almost dead
shaky, hands are most likely to fail
slow, almost not moving

but still,
standing.
K Jan 2018
It wasn't a slit through my wrist,
not a gunshot on my mouth,
not a rope wrapped around my neck,
it was not an overdose.

It was the thoughts running through my head,
the words that cannot escape,
the anxiety, the pain, the hatred
it was over.
I'm sorry.
K Dec 2017
No, honey I'm not the paradise,
I'm on the other side of the wall.
I am the war,
the planted bombs,
the gunshots you hear at night.

Your heart skips a beat,
and you thought it was love,
but honey, I'm not the paradise,
I'm the reason you hide under your bed
because of load roar of tanks.

Honey, you thought I was a garden.
But no, I'm on the other side.
I'm not the daisy you water,
I'm not the beautiful scent
outside your backyard,
because I'm the ashes.

I'm the war,
and you know **** well
that the aftermath was a mess.
K Jan 2019
I didn't say yes, either
but babe, no amount of shower
can wash away your touch.

Not even brushing my teeth,
I can still taste your mouth.

It's not love, not even close
the difference was
you acted like it was real,
I didn't even had to act.
It's only fun but just because our clothes were off.
K Jul 2019
Huwag mo 'ko hintayin sa dulo,
kitain mo ako sa kalagitnaan.
Sabayan mo ako.
araw pa 'ba kita?
K Feb 2018
...and I couldn't think of somene who got my back, for I'm on everyone's back.
K Apr 2018
and a poem starts with a lump in the throat but what do you do if the lump keeps on gagging you
K Jan 2018
and I'm too young to mourn in this kind of hour.
I was supposed to write a birthday message for my friend, I wrote a eulogy instead.
K Nov 2017
and I want these sad poems
to turn into happy ones.
Let the void be filled.
K Oct 2017
and I'm awake. Still.
That's good enough, right?
Sing me to sleep.
K Nov 2017
Remember back in 5th grade?
When the name of the sim
were playing is our only problem?
How about the year after?
When our struggle every month is
which color of rubber to choose for our braces?
And the year after that?
The dentist finally took off my braces
and *******, retainers were next.

Remember back in 8th grade?
Your phone got confiscated for we were
taking pictures during class hours.
How about the year after?
Your fourteenth birthday,
and everyone invited played Just Dance.

And the year after that, your eyes got blurry.
You wore glasses,
then you had a hard time moving
half of your body.
I visit you after class, and I always leave
with a tear in my eye.
The same year, you dropped out of school,
because you can't leave without a wheel chair,
while everyone is marching
and ready to leave our school.

And the year after that?
You stopped fighting.

Remember the days when we just
wanted to shut down?
We destroy ourselves by smoking
cigarettes and drinking every night.
Forgetting that a friend of ours
died because she had to.

We have a choice,
we always have a choice,
she didn't.
But what were we thinking?
A poem for a friend, our Jasmine
K Nov 2017
There are people that come and go.
That's it.
And, I know you're breaking,
baby, it's not your fault.
You do not lack.

You might intersect,
or rest at a bus stop,
or they may be
along the way.
A part of your journey,
but not a destination.

It just so happens that
there are better paths to walk,
ocean to cross,
mountains to conquer.
And if you happen to see him again, I hope it's you who leave.
K Nov 2017
You don't know how to use your words
because you've been taught that
talking back is disrespectful.
Honey, I don't blame you
if you keep your mouth shut.

How he yells
that it rings in your ears.
Honey, they thought it'll make you stronger,
but I know you're breaking.

How he grabs you by your hair
when he can't control you.
Honey, I know you want your
house to be your home.

How his words hit you mentally
and his hands physically.
Honey, I don't blame you for mistaking
that love is hurting.

Because you see it in your father.
But you know **** well that they raised you, they can't blame you.
They never talk about how your father hits you.
K Oct 2017
dear, when i ask for milk,
please give me beer instead.
no dairy can fix this,
you know that.
and i know you like me better
when i'm drunk because
i do not talk when i'm sober.

dear, you don't hold my hand
and let go right after
because you wanted cigarettes

dear, you don't compliment me
"bloom, you beautiful flower,"
when you have a garden
in your backyard.

dear, you don't start
with me
when you don't have
a plan
to finish it.

dear, please do not say,
"how are you?" instead
shut the **** up and
hold me tight.
you don't have to worry
about your shirt getting soaked
with my tears, because
i already cried last night.
K Dec 2017
2017 was an alcohol,
that cuts through your throat,
alone or with friends.
But you still drink it, anyway.

2017 was writing my first poem
published for the world
when I thought I’ll stay silent,
words were there. Still.

2017 was the first tattoo
on my body. I loved my skin enough
that I inked & hurt it.
The irony.

2017 was ocean, sandy toes,
and tan lines.
It was the strong waves
and also the calm.

2017 was loving everyone
I love, unconditionally.
Even if I was hurt.
Even without replies.

2017 was going to the gym,
with the mindset of vanity.
Of looking good,
but not feeling good.

2017 was body image issues,
from skinny to thicc thighs,
starvation and stress eat.
It was never contentment.

2017 was cutting my hair short
when I wanted it to be long.
And I regretted it
right after.

2017 was everything except self love.
It was pain, hatred, pride & anxiety
waking me up in the middle of the night
and keeps me up all night.

I wanted to write something
without biterness & hate
but I’m sorry it turned out like this.
2017 was being sorry most of the time.

Sorry for being this way,
and being alive but ungrateful.
Sorry for sticking to my last hope,
that’s all I’ve got.
and I’m sorry, but I’m still fighting.
K Dec 2017
New year, yet same old color.
I was like a firework display,
But this time, only the blue ones.

It was blue but still beautiful.
Pretty to look at but it would hurt
when you stay close enough.

It will hurt so much that it will burn
your skin. Was it hot?
Or was it too cold that it stings?

Maybe I liked it that way,
distancing myself from the people
I love, afraid I might hurt them.

I was like a firework display,
it was bright
But made to fade into the night.
K Nov 2017
it's just that I can't write without wine,
or I can't sleep without wine,
doesn't have the courage to go out
without wine.
You won't like me when I'm sober.
K Feb 2018
Some days feel like a hurricane,
and nights were the aftermath.
Then there's silence,
that's much louder than the war.

Some afternoons are for tea,
and coffee, or pre work out smoothie.

Some nights you feel like drinking wine,
or tequila, a bucket of beer
and sometimes all.
But, most of the time you feel like
throwing up.

Sometimes you eat clean,
but most of the time you eat ****.
Like how you eat your words.

On weekdays you work your *** off,
school, then gym, then study.
And on weekends you don't get up,
wearing pajamas and netflix all day.

It took me a while to understand
that life's all about balance.
You can't see sunshines
without seeing the storm.

It took me a while to understand
that this is okay.
And that it's okay not to be okay.
K Mar 2019
It’s as if He aligned the whole solar system,
to make the universe beautiful for you,
and then He gave you to me.
God knows all my silent prayers.
For my Sun.
K Dec 2017
hey, I'm not gonna write about you
this 2018. that's what I told my self.
but, i'm ending this
without bitterness.

and i know you're done with me
months ago.
and that i'm the only one
who's having a hard time.

hell, i was the only one who
thought we were real.
i want to believe that
at some point there's something special.

that you felt it.
that i wasn't the only one.
and that you were warmed.

all i wished was to heal you,
but i can't if you don't
want to be saved by me.
she can, of course.

but, thank you.
for cheap beers, and ugly *** playlist,
fast food deliveries at midnight,
and warm hugs.

and, sorry.
for drunk nights, and poetry,
subway sandwich at lunch,
and cold hugs.

no regrets, dear.
you were a lesson to me
and in knowing you,
i lost myself.
and this 2018, i'm finding myself. so thank you.
K Jul 2018
And I will smile at you with my ****** teeth and lips,
with bruised skin and broken knuckles pinning you down and twisting your collar,
And I will stare at you with my black eye,
And I may go limp but I will reach you
I won't run, my body will be stiff but I will reach you,
I will reach for your soul, for your heart
—and I will smile and look at you straight in the eye and whisper, "more."
K Nov 2017
tell me, how did you do it?
opened your door and shut it
in front of my face,
I blinked, twice.
the first was because of the air
that passed, the force, the loud roar
of the door
the next one was because of you.

tell me, how did you do it?
opened your door, picked up a new package,
and closed it slowly.
I looked, twice.
the first was because I heard the ****,
the creak, the slide
of the door
the next one was because I thought you
were welcoming me again.

tell me, how did you do it?
opened your door, go out,
and locked.
I glanced, but this time, just once.
you look perfectly fine,
and I'm not. that's why I didn't looked back.
maybe you could teach me.
K Nov 2018
pag apak ko pa lang sa pampang,
lunod na ka agad.
tubig na pumapasok sa baga,
hinahayaan lang.

pero bakit ganoon?
pilit ka paring sinisisid,
kahit ang tubig hanggang talampakan,
kahit abot kamay lang ang buhangin.

hindi ako aahon, hindi ako hihinga,
mas gugustuhin kong malunod,
kesa umahon sa mundong wala ka.
sisisirin hanggang may perlas na makuha.
dahil mas lunod pa ako sa hangin na binibigay ng mundo kesa sa tubig alat na inaasam asam ko.
K Jun 2018
are you my happy poem?
or just another sad poetry?
K Jan 2018
Sa huling pagtatasa,
para kanino ba ang tula?
K Oct 2017
Here’s to the breakdowns, and emotionless faces, the wandered minds,
the fragile hearts, the broken souls, because its not always going to be pretty,
we gotta deal with the bad ones too.
And hey, if you’re asking who’s the strongest one, its you. Its always you.
Thank you.
And you’re right, the world needs more love,
and I think the world will drown because of your flowing love and kindness.
I don’t know how you do that, but its beautiful.
This is the start. And this is the end.
K Feb 2018
I wasn't made like roses,
that you give every 14th of February,
and tucked in between pages of notebook,
leaving scent that stuck even if it dies.

I wasn't made like sunflowers,
hard to take care of
but is beautiful when it grows & glows,
a reason why it's named after sun.

I wasn't made like daisies,
or lilies or tulips,
or little colorful flowers you can think of
with fresh scents.

No, honey, I wasn't made like that,
because I'm the sun they need,
or the water they want from time to time.
I'm much more than that.
I'm the one that's keeping them alive.
K Dec 2017
You had never been mine to begin with
So I'll start off by saying, good bye.
We know **** well that were a mistake
right from the start.

We made fire, but both of us
didn't know how to extinguish.
It was destructive,
we were blinded by the light.

It just so happens that,
we were in the same place,
and at the right time.
But it still is, a bad idea.

And even in your presence,
I gripped. Thinking any warmth you gave
me was better than nothing.
But honey, let's end this.
I was too in loved with the idea of you to comprehend that love wasn’t supposed to be this way
K Feb 2018
I won't be beautiful like the sun
as it goes down,
with colors that could hypnotize
and no one could forget.

It will be beautiful,
until the moon goes up
and replaces orange and red
with dark, dusty gray.

Sunshines does not last forever,
it gets replaced,
and this time, I won't be around
when the moon shows up.
I'll be the sunset. Not meant to stay.

— The End —