You weren’t the first boy I said “I love you” to and you won’t be the last
“Goodness gracious let’s just break up”
I don’t deny it though
“I tried to save us”
You held a place in my cold heart of hearts
“So why do I cry to sleep”
I thought you were different
“Every time you try to leave”
I thought we were different
“Goodness gracious this relationship is filled with so much hatred”
But don’t worry
“I guess you were right”
The things you say about me can’t be worse than the things I think about myself
“My straitjacket’s custom-made though”

We don’t talk about the future
“What’s the point of being rich when you wake up alone”
But how many times do I have to tell you that I want you there
“What’s the point of going home when ain’t nobody there”
We call for hours but you still can’t hear me
It’s days like today where I wish boys did go to a Jupiter
Though some of them cannot afford to get any stupider

dance with me in an art museum please and then we can waltz all the way to the moon and forget that we need to breathe because sometimes all you need is each other to live but i don't want to see you go blue in the face so soar through the glistening stars with me to find the meaning of life so we can live forever until our fingers are red and happy and only maybe then we will remember to come back to earth and lie in the tranquility of a lullaby as our celestial bodies return once more

when i was eight we had our kitchen remodeled
it is now one am and ten years later

old habits die hard
it is the reason i only breathe to one side when i swim
the reason i pick things up with my left hand
the reason i flinch when people hug me
its the reason i cringe when my necklace touches my neck
when his hands graze over my hips
the reason i lie to my mother for no reason
and fear taking too many pills or drinking too much iced tea

the way i love is a habit i have been trying to change
but i say that every time

when they remodeled our kitchen they changed the cabinets so that the dishes and glasses swapped spots
I just went to get water and ended up with a plate
its been ten ******* years
how am i supposed to change if i can't even remember where the cups are

its january, barely, i think
time has been flying so much if someone told me it was april i would believe them
the days are blended by sleepless nights and disappearing days

it's hard to remember what i'm supposed to think sometimes
i say i'm ambitious but i just keep lying down
i know what i'm supposed to do, i think
but what if i don't want it
what if i don't want the 9-5 what if i don't want the debt and the stress and the pounding in my head
is everyone just lying

doing what people expect is sometimes bad
being home i fall into bad habits and i think its because of my family
they bring out an old me that i tried to get rid of
but people never really change

i think the biggest lie i was told as a kid was that i could do anything i wanted
sure
but what if i want everything
with choices there are losses and i'm losing myself

i'm working on being better but i don't know if i really am
i am scared
stay safe

******* if he can like me then I can like my ******* self too

i don't think people ever really change but i think you bring out a better side of me and i can't tell if it's only temporary but I'm scared you'll find out who i really am and you made me start to sing again but only when i'm home alone in the bathroom with the doors shut because i am so afraid of falling i've broken so many bones my mom can't take another medical bill or loss so i guess i'll just do it for my mom and i guess you too but its hard for me to understand that i make you happy because i don't know who i am or why i'm not good enough for myself