I have decided to give up eating shotguns
Instead i have allowed myself to consume glass land mines
Now I realize this is not a positive thing
But at least one is socially acceptable

Defining depression and alcoholism can be difficult

One is told to **** it up and get better
Everyone knows life can't be that hard
Please don't share your issues here and now I am too busy
Continue chewing on shotgun shells
Convincing yourself things are improving
Shot shot shot
A conscious barrel bottle battle
Everyday

One is swallowed in crowds of too many happy people
Everyone knows life is better after a drink
Please display your guts all over the bar floor
We know you'll forget by tomorrow
Continue tipping your chin to empty prayer halls
Convincing yourself things are improving
Shot shot shot
A conscious disillusion of distraction
Everyday

Things that I am finally going to probably end up telling myself one day:

#1 you don't need permission to be happy

#2 read number 1 once more

#3 heart break is much less than suicide

#4 glass can take millions of years to decompose, so stop insisting for grabbing  another. So many busted ***** fingers have already bridged that gap. No need to lose another stupid boy to drowning

#5 family can sometimes only be defined by genetics. Not saying I don't love my family, it's just some days it's hard to tell

#6 when you grow up, jon, be a man

#7 still have no idea how the last one works

#8 show up

#9 still searching for something to reach for. The sun has been too **** hot and I think I need a drink

And some days
I am nothing more
Than a refusal to be
Another poorly written suicide note

As the volume settles in this confined cube of a classroom
I lay one sheet of paper on each desk
I tell my students to prepare them for a test
I tell myself they don't need another test
I do it anyway

Now I want you each to answer with precision
Give me your mind and stave the heart for now
Allow your finger tips to work in ways they have not been taught yet
Do this correct
The way they are going to expect

In the top right corner please write your:
Name
Date
Eating disorder
Depression
ADHD
Food insecurity
Anxiety
Family issues
Lack of sleep

Now leave them there and focus
There is no room for those here
Not in a classroom
And not in a test like this
Human does not belong right now

This test determines too much
To show that you are not enough

So good luck on this test
When you are finished
Sign with your everything
And hope for the best

My heart has become the only thing worth writing for

---
you just showed up
unexpected,
just like the snow
started falling this morning
maybe with a tiny bit of
fear mixed emotions
but still with
that magical
thing you have
all over you.
that magical  
thing that makes
my heart beat
as fast as
hundreds of horse feet
on the race track,
and my hands
shake like
trembling leaves
having not the tiniest
chance, to stick to the tree
on a stormy day.

but,
just like the snow,
always
somehow, some day
melting
you
just
disappeared.

and wishing for
you to forever stay
is like
wishing
for snow
never melting.

So I'm sitting here, meditating
Focusing on the present
Assuring myself I'm breathing
Each slow inhale
Forcing life into a body less deserving
I tell myself I must fill myself with life
So a bottle appears
It empties into my lungs


So now I'm sitting here, meditating
Focusing on the drowning
Assuring myself I'm not breathing
Each slow inhale
I tell myself this will mask the pain
So the end appears
It's fills my head