nothingness seeping through cracked windows and closed palms, you do not belong here, she said to herself repeatedly, rocking back and forth in the corner daddy once told her to stay away from.
nothingness, aching in the most sacred parts of her being.
she said to me : " you may lose yourself to the silence but keep the good in you away from the silence "
what she doesn't know is the silence, the nothingness ? became so much that it one day took over and devoured the good in me, for the life of me, i haven't been able to piece myself together.
just breathing, existing..

stay away, sweet misery. the love she gave you was never yours too keep. love her wholeheartedly and watch her walk away with all you had to give.
stay away. sweet sweet misery.

pretty sure I feed all my demons just because without the sadness I feel incomplete.
no weeping willows or lights to hold me together like a straight jacket.
broken little person looking for acceptance into way too many baggies and cigarette packs.

Pretty baked.
#feels
  - watch her move as far as she can from those who kept her together and broke her all at the same time, because she spent so much time alone and without them and doesn't want to feel their presence. " they are leaving again they aren't staying " she repeats, to herself.
#backofdadscar

Dear diary,

This is by far the worst day I've ever had, I'm sad , scared , anxious , really really *******.
Neglect ? I know what that feels like now, it lingers on in this cold room, as i feel the need to isolate myself from those who judge me without even knowing me, as black as I am, I am just the same as them , just a tad bit cuter.

Dear diary ,
I am not cut out for all this, as loud as I am and as " intimidating " as I may look, I'm still the little pre-scholar that wouldn't speak up to the mean girl , in the class, I'm still the kid that craves for acceptance , I'm the kid that misses her mommy , as old as I am, I am still my daddy's little girl, I'm still the girl that cries in the dark , hell even the light too , that's how far I've come. Out of my element I am ..but this is pure *******, the longer I stay here the faster I realise that I'm not as sick as I perceived or that's the fear talking , I cannot take this.
I miss my family, my bunny ... I miss you, I miss you , I miss you.

Dear diary,
We're still on the first day but I cannot breathe , I feel myself and the nothingness ; ten fold. I am not okay.
The purge I am, Purge ? I will, I have to.
They say time goes faster ........

"My eyes are constantly darting, wandering for that one.
Would I find them walking down the street or driving in their car?
Right now life is not so good and if you were here I think the pain would subside with every breathe I take twisted in your cologne.
My hands would swipe through your hair and my eyes would take in every inch of your beautiful vessel.
Yet this perfect figure is only one I dream of, that I can only see in the darkness behind my closed eyes.
Oh, how I wish I could find you now as the scars on my body would be numbered compared to the amount you would find on me later on"

I am the purge.
But becoming ThePurge, the thrill, I was never ready for the process, forced by my subconscious and the word itself, catharsis I am not, i ran away from my demons and with that one breath I took, the caught up to me and forced the life out of me, fingers pressed together, pressed right into the soon ending abyss.. regurgitation ? Not so much , I looked at my life in the toilet bowl and hid it, and with one swift move? ThePurge never happened. ThePurge never existed.
I promised I would not give in, but the thrilling sensation of the acid in my throat was worth it.
Not the last letter. I will come alive again.