Relapse.
It's screaming my name.
Relapse.
The urge is killing me.
Relapse.
I'm trying to stay clean,
but right now all I see is
relapse.

My vision is blurry,
my mind is a mess,
it all makes sense,
and I know I shouldn't
but in this moment I'm weak.

All I want to do is
   r  e  l  a  p  s  e

I'm always so alone. Even when surrounded. By people that I know I'm always so astounded.  By my ability to ruin everything Losing friends and starting fires Everyone thinks i'm a liar I always stay at home Cause i'm not good in public I sit here on my phone I'm always disappointed I watch them live their lives I wish that I were happy Victim of my generation Time machines can not erase it Who am I supposed to be? When will I be complete? When will they be proud of me? It's getting harder to see Slit my wrists, ****** fists Questioning why I exist Pain persists, evil gifts ******* up my life to **** I'm worthless, slit my wrists until I bleed out I try to stay strong No matter what I do, I'm always in the wrong It never gets easier, But maybe…

"just friends", huh?
well,
"just friends" don't steal secret glances at each other.
"just friends" don't get jealous when the other one talks about someone else.
"just friends" don't get butterflies from each other.
"just friends" don't hold each other in their hearts like that.
are we really
"just friends"??

I am 16 years old, and I don’t even know if I’m real. Even as I type this, I am wondering how these thoughts in my head are turning into words on the screen. Who came up with the concept of time? Are we even really living in the moment if a moment is gone before we even get there? Does Elle Richard question her existence on a daily basis? Am I the only one dealing with these seemingly unanswerable questions?

For about a year now, I have struggled with the concept of the human condition — why we are the way we are and what our divine purpose here on this planet is. Thus far, I’ve concluded that our existence must account for something more than creating reality television and drive-thru restaurants. I was told that having these questions about life and reality is normal in college, especially during my sophomore year, where I will hit the “sophomore slump” and start questioning what I am doing with my life. I was thrilled to know that other people would be experiencing this strange sense of disorientation as well. I wouldn’t be alone.

Sophomore year has come, and it is about to go. The number of times I have been crippled by the weight of an existential crisis outweighs the number of times I’ve been able to clean my kitchen countertops without questioning the point of it all. During my biweekly crises, my friends would reassure me, offering a helping hand and confirming that this plague of questioning everything hit them, too. The only problem was that they were pondering the purpose of being in college and what the point of school was, whereas I was trying to figure out if a heartbeat really meant someone was alive.

The discussion about human existence outside of philosophy classes is sparse and can result in feelings of isolation and anxiety. Constant questioning is stressful and panic-inducing. In some cases, it can lead to depersonalization, also known as derealization, which is a symptom of a panic attack. It is basically an out-of-body experience of sorts. You may feel detached, removed, or like you are watching the situation you’re in from an outsider’s perspective. It can cause you to question your reality and whether you will ever gain control again. While this may sound alarming and scary, according to an article on AnxietyCoach.com, this symptom is harmless.

“Depersonalization seems to occur when you have become less involved with what’s going on around you, especially the people around you, and become preoccupied with your own thoughts,” said Dr. David Carbonell in the article. “These are typically not thoughts about your immediate surroundings, but thoughts of other people, times, and places. The less energy and attention you bring to your immediate circumstances, the more your thoughts wander toward ideas that can only happen in your imagination.”

As we enter into our final week of the semester, these feelings are likely to arise due to the panic-induced environment we will be in. Know that your peers may very well be experiencing the same type of pressure and anxiety that you are – you are not alone. Resources like counseling through the CSU Health Network are made available to help you work through these thoughts.

The thing is, we will never know why we are here. Having our beliefs and faith helps some of us – many of us need something to put our hope into. But who knows, maybe we are just in a huge game of Sims.

If you have not questioned your existence at least once amid the constant state of panic that is college, you probably are not real.

Waking up to a heavy chest
My body begging me to sleep again
And my anxiety begins the second I realize I'm alive
I'm trying to learn to function
With all of this negative energy inside me
I know it'll pass and
I know it'll get better
But right now it hurts
I feel unloved
Unloveable
I feel lost inside myself
A place I can't stay too long
Before I lose my mind
I can tell myself I'm worth it and
That my worth isn't defined by others
And it works for a bit
Until something else comes up and
My heart loses its energy
And I either feel like giving up
Or ready to fight everyone

You broke it
You broke my heart
You ruined my life
You told me, you love me.
I  believed in you
I trusted you
I give you all my love
My life and my everything
What you did
Really hurt me so much
I didn't expect you'd do that
But "Expect the unexpected"
They don't understand
Someday you'll realize what you had done
And I just hope you would learn from that

I dress for comfort not for speed these days
And believe me, I dress for comfort a lot
Forget the hassle of even tying a lace
When I slip into a cool pair of Crocs

I'm blessed to live near a Crocs store
And you know I can't help but go hog wild
Walls and walls of Crocs from ceiling to floor
In every imaginable color and style

When I dress for the night to show off my stuff
The smell of plastic permeates the air
It's like a drug, this shoe in which I am in love
I'll shoot in the air! My love affair! I do not care!

You see I have my casual Crocs
As well as my Sunday go to meeting pair
They make me wish it was Sunday
more often than not
Cause when I wear them I'm in heaven
and feel I'm walking on air

On normal days when I mow yards for a living
I put on my Manly Work Crocs
When Winter is here and the cold comes a-licking
Crocs look stunning with knee-high socks

So you see I have all of my bases covered
You've gotta love it, like it or not
Of course, I walk on one side of the street,
my family the other
Cause I like to jump up and down, turn around,
skip and bounce whenever I am wearing my Crocs

depression is being colorblind
and constantly told how colorful the world is

i
spend
too
many
hours
in
my
own
head,
wondering
whether
i
spend
­nearly
as
many
in
yours

and
all of a sudden i felt
really tired.
like the world had drained me
for everything
i had

do you remember the night the moon dropped from the sky?
and we ran through the rorest to find where it lies,
i was tripping on tree roots and slipping on snow,
you were holding my hand saying not to let go.
when we found it at last, there were twigs in our hair,
a rose on our cheeks and our breath in our throats,
as its silver light danced throught the threads of our coats,
we knew that our eyes had not seen such a view,
you were looking at the moon,
and i was looking at you...

F    A    M   I    L    Y
o    b      e         o     o
r     o                v     u
g    u                e
e     t
t

the choice was once your choosing
before losing
became my loss,
i was there in
your forgetting
until i was
forgot

roses are dead, violets are too. I'm still in love but not with you. you thought you hurt me and made me cry, but now I'm talking to this brand new guy. simply because you have no class, you can go ahead and kiss my ***. so sit around and talk your ****. ***** you and your little *** ****. Do you think you can do better? cool story bro. I hope you get ******, from your little new ***. you said you loved me but it wasn't true. well guess what sweetheart, I played you too

I don’t want to be the girl of your dreams. I don’t want you to put me on a pedestal because we all know pedestals crumble and break under pressure. I don’t want you to think of me as someone who’s out of your league. I don’t want to be the girl you secretly admire when you can’t muster enough courage to say it out loud. I don’t want you to think of me as the one who got away when in the first place, you never got a hold of me. I’m not going anywhere and this is going nowhere. I just want to be the girl you think of years from now when your hair is already gray, when your eyes are tired and you’re stirring your morning coffee, thinking that you should’ve poured less creamer in order to resemble my dark brown eyes.

It is within an unusually warm and early spring night,
Here, where I begin to feel something ever so unusual while looking deeply into this goddess' eyes,

With her eyes like a pair of diamonds sparkling in the sky,
It's at this moment–in this part of the night–
Love simply didn't need a reply,

With candles lit,
As it's surely to her delight,
And with rose petals all over the bed–
That, surely, was to her surprise,

Though, right now,
Can you really blame me for having this nervous butterfly-feeling whirling around inside?

For this will be the first-ever night that I'll get to hold this beauty tight,

And for such a divine beauty,
Surely I'd make any sacrifice to make sure her every whim and need is perfectly sufficed,

Yes, with our feelings for each other that couldn't be more pure or refined,
I already know, without hesitance, our love would satisfy any god's most delicate appetite inside,

And although, this world may never know how I truly feel inside,
I, myself, know with certainty that I love this woman more than anything I've ever loved in my whole life,

Yet, with nothing more than the sound of crickets chirping within the night,
I proceed to lay this beauty down–
Here, pulling her close to my side (where I tell her)
"I love you, angel, good night",

And even though our love never did need a reply,
She said
"I love you too, sweet dreams baby, don't forget to hold me ever so tight",

And thus with this crazy, whirling, butterfly-feeling, again, that I begin to feel take over inside,
She rolls over unexpectedly and surprises me with a kiss to seal any other reply–
To only roll back over and close her eyes,

Oh, and in the midst of her every action–every move leaving me mesmerized,
She decides to move an inch closer to me,
(Where I wrap my arm around her thighs)
As it's also nearly simultaneously that I hear the clock's stride finally hit midnight,

With a chime that struck once–
Then struck twice,
I begin to hear a set of chimes strike–and strike until they chime twelve times,  
(As these chimes come from this evilly wicked, horrid and heinous clock of mine)

Yes!–with this clock being a clock that through time I have come to slowly hate and despise!

Though, this tower of a clock reminds me of its presence with not the tics nor the tocs–
No, only when the minute hand climbs and the hour's hand meets another notch,

As only then, within that second of the minute, does my mind's thoughts get crossed and rocked–
With my thoughts that become locked within a box
(As it'll be for the next sixty minutes)
I'll just lie there and remain distraught,

Oh, and you ask why?–
Simply because of this chiming noise that won't stop!

With these reoccurring chimes that take my sleep and make most nights a loss–
I can assure you that if I don't go to bed by one or two o'clock,
Any sleep for me will become more and more implausible by every tic of the clock,

Yes, nearly impossible–
For it'll be with the next four or five hours, I'll just lie there, roll, and toss,

Though this is a different night!–
As I'm reminded with our legs crossed and with our fingers interlocked,

Yet, here as I begin to feel the warmth of her body block and fend off any kind or sorts of lingering winter's frost,
I also sense that numerous candles are still glowing bright,
(With the sight of their ambient light flickering off of the bedside's wall from abroad)

And, within this room filled with sentiment as I hear not a sound at all,
I smell the candle's aromatic scents,
With the atmosphere within the air being ever so calm,

Until that is, I hear another chime of a **–
With it sounding like a melody that's gone ever so wrong–
It's with this tower of a clock, right here, that has just let me know it's now the hour of one o'clock–
And one o'clock, right on the dot,

With only one lone chime that I heard–as everything then simply paused and stopped,

Though, within my mind and with these thoughts that refuse to stop,
I reassure myself–
Knowing that the time is only one o'clock,

For I know I still have an aplenty of time to close my eyes and make these endless lines of thoughts stop,

So to this brilliant mind of mine,
You know that it's clearly time to let these thoughts wander off,

Just close your eyes and let your mind stop–

Though, didn't I just say enough with your thoughts?

Oh, and I can see you might think a lot,
But clearly and obviously you're not thinking about squat!

So just stop or I swear to god,
If you don't stop with these god awful thoughts,
I'll have no other option than to smash and squash your head against these bricks outside of this wall and then leave you there to rot–

For if you don't stop this exact instant then I am almost certain your beautiful woman will become a loss,

And I'm sure you don't want that to happen again, now do you?

So just stop with these thoughts–
Quit fooling around and whatever you do–
Oh, and whatever you do,
Don't let this beauty see that crazed loony side inside of you,

Just fall asleep now and you both can wake up tomorrow around noon,

Yes, just close your eyes and count these sheep jumping over the moon,
And count them jumping one by one–then two by two,

Yet, between one and two,
Surely I knew I was bound to come unglued,
(With the loony that came right out of me as I hear a tune)

With a chime that struck once and then twice,
It left my mind to know not what to do,

Though, that doesn't mean I am confused,
With the duo of chimes that struck–
Only letting me know it's now into the minutes of the night that come directly after two,

And though,
As I begin feeling as if a disaster was nearing in soon,
Still, I knew not what to do–

Because I know nothing as I'm thinking of nothing and just fading away within the scents of her perfume,

(Where I begin fading away within this serenity and hearing not a tune)
I feel the weight of my eyelids begin to feel like a caving-in roof weighing at least a ton or two,

And with just one of a few wondrous thoughts still wandering on through,
I wonder
"Could this be sleep that is nearing in soon?”,

With this feeling of a wonderful tranquil sensation subduing and leaving my whole body consumed,
(As I'm weary and with clearly not a thought left in this room)
I take one last deep breath
(With my lungs swelling like a balloon)

And within a dream is where I have just entered into–:
UNTIL ABRUPTLY I HEAR A SNOOZING OF A TUNE!

Yes!–As I'm awakened and with the insanity within in me being let loose to roam throughout this room,
My mind, then, begins to shift back and forth (like something caught drifting between a typhoon and a monsoon)

Where realizing as I view that I've opened my eyes too soon–
With it being this beauty here of mine that is the one who is creating this horrendous little tune,

And feeling, as I hear–
With every single breath that she breathes rattling the room–the walls–and even the shingles upon the roof,
I feel my mind, here, completely coming all the way unglued–
For all I want to do is make everything within this room mute!

Yes, that's all I want to do!–

For I’m sure I wouldn't even be in such a foul mood if I wasn’t sleep deprived,
And if this beauty here of mine and her snoring roar weren’t the main culprits of keeping me, my mind, and this night alive,

Though, hearing with her roaring of a snore that is beginning to drive me crazy inside–
Yes, as she snores, there!–just an inch or two away from my side–
I hear with her snore only growing more and more–

As I, then, within this second, try to ignore a chord of chimes striking once, and then striking twice,
(With this clock striking three times to remind me once again of the time)

–With this night now being at least 3:03, 3:04, and could possibly even be 3:05,
I know this night is at the most three or four hours away from seeing the sun shine bright through my window blinds,

Oh, and surely I already know I probably would just close my eyes–
Yes, that's probably what I would do!
But this little beauty here of mine is worse than any set of chimes,

And surely indecisive,
(As I move the pillow over my ears while I'm consumed by an irritating form of fright)
I move my body a little to the left and then a few inches to the right,
Where I hear her demon's rumbling from inside,
And screaming as if they're trying to come out and fight–

(Which is where I begin thinking)
“Is waking her up really that much of a crime?”

For if she knew she was snoring at such a high decibel level,
Then I'm sure she wouldn't even mind,

And thus with my decisions that couldn't agree more with my mind,
I decide to slightly lift her head and wiggle her,
(As I nearly tickle her left side)

Whispering to her as I say,
"Baby, wake up, I just had the worst dream of my life!
Oh, baby, wake up, I just need to see those sweet little angel eyes!",

Though motionless–
There, as I try to keep my insane and crazy side inside,
My whisper begins to intensify to a scream
(As she refuses to open her eyes or give me a reply)

I continued to scream–SCREAMED!

"Oh, why, oh, why won't you open your eyes!",

And with her snore being the only reply that she could give me,
It literally drove me crazy inside–
Thus driving me as it drove me to climb on top of her body,
(Where I grab her nose and squeeze)

As it's within the silence and in this exact instant,
Instantly and unbelievably, I see I've hit a stride that I couldn't believe,

Yes, mesmerized!
And content beyond belief–
With her snoring, here, that has finally ceased–

–Casually, I proceed to climb off of her body
(Wherein realization I finally can go back to sleep)

And in the silence, again, as I hear not a peep,
I roll over, close my eyes, and before I could even count one jumping sheep,
I hear a roar once more coming from this treacherous little beast,

And surely with not a second more could I go without sleep,
(As this pillow, right here, has just become my best friend, and the most plausible way to get any sleep)
I decide to move this pillow over her face–with my exertion at first lacking any tenacity,

But what I'd end up hearing would be like a growl or a roar of a wicked beast,

With this sinister snore of hers only increasing more and more with every tic of my heart's beat,
I begin to feel my thoughts shift toward the sentiment of either insane or crazy,

(As my hands push with more and more of an intensity)
I begin sweating–feeling the smothering warmth of her body's heat,

Though, simultaneously as I hear her heart throb and knock an unstoppable and irregular beat,
I begin putting even more weight upon this pillowcase
(With a galore of my sweat dripping upon these sheets)

And surely I have to know,
(For it should be as obvious as could be)
That if I put any more weight upon this pillowcase,
I'd likely break through the toughest of the most unbreakable concretes,

And thus coming to the realization–
With this crazy side of me that has taken over and been unleashed surely not being me,

It's here, against the greatest of restraints
(As I'm barely able to climb off of her body)
I climb off and begin waiting within the silence–

Waiting and hearing not a peep,
Where seemingly prompting myself to say,
Here, as I speak!
"Good night baby–sweet dreams",

Though, I'd hear not a reply–
As a reply was something our love never did need,

Yet, as I roll over to climb under these sheets and close my eyes
(Where simultaneously it all has seemed)
I have fallen fast asleep within a dream while holding my sleeping beauty tight–

Holding her as I squeeze–
Holding her!–
With her heart that holds not a beat–.

I am alone.
With just some people I'm moving on.
Some talk less, some talk a lot.
I don't know if they are friends or not.

I am alone.
With some fears I'm moving on.
Some are scary, some are not.
I don't know if they are real or not.

I am alone.
With some deep wounds I'm moving on.
Some hurt more, some hurt less.
I don't know if they will heal or not

I am alone.
With a fake smile I'm moving on.
Sometimes looks good, sometimes not.
I don't know if it works or not.

I am alone.
With some burdens I'm moving on.
Some are huge, some are little.
I don't know if I will repay or not.

I am alone
With some secrets I'm moving on.
Some can save me, some can lead me to death.
I don't even know my remaining breaths.

I love you so very much,
Even though at times I do things that hurt.
I try so hard to hope that you always see
How much you being in my life means to me.
I am sorry yet again for causing you pain.
That is the last thing I ever wanted to do.
Even when I am trying to look out for you and do the right thing,
I mess up, I am sorry for that too.
I hope that you still know how much I love and cherish you,
Like nothing else in my life gives me the thrill of being loved by you.
So I hope that you listen and see it in my eyes,
This sincere apology that comes with tears from deep inside.

a drop of ink may make a million think.

i told my therapist about you,
while your lips were still slathered alllll over my body.
i showed her the places we had been,
and all the things we had seen.
i told her what lies underneath that pretty
                                              pretty
skin of yours,
and i told her how i knew.
i spelt out your name as she scribbled it on her cute little clipboard,
i told her about the   first     night
and the      second
and the   fourth
and that time in the closet.
i told her everything,
i really just wanted to   get
                                                  you
       ­                               out  
of my brain,
it didn't matter if saying these things put me in  sososo  much pain.
because you've  moved   on  so why can't i?
i told my therapist about you,
but i still can't tell you
                                           goodbye.  
i know i'm  s t u p i d,
for holding on this l
                               o
                                n
                             ­    g,
i know it's useless,
for wishing you weren't                              gone.
but my words carry on like a heartbeat
s     l      o      w
steady
                          fast
u   s   e   d
  n    t   a   y
i   keep   keep   keep  breaking and breaking and breaking and
i told my therapist about you.

like water
I poured myself into her until she was overflowing at the brim

like reinforced steel
I bridged my heart to hers and welded myself to her soul

like the sun
I filled myself with light to cover her darkness

like a blanket
I shielded her from the harsh world underneath the covers

like magnets
I orbited her aura until we inevitably collided

like a seed
I felt myself growing up from her

Then, like an idiot
I could tell she felt nothing.

love is not made of giving and taking in equal parts
it is not a favor for a favor
i owe you nothing

love is not a compromise reached after long deliberation
it is not hurting on Monday
and healing on Tuesday

love is not touching because you will leave if i do not
it is not feigning naivety
when you see me cry

love is not the untimely squandering of innocence
it is not the suffocating grip of guilt
it is not your unwelcome touch

love is not

I am warmhearted and icy cold,
with a pretty face that's getting old.
I am fragile yet tough as a man,
struggle thru life with no real plan.
I am petite and cuss like a trucker,
slightly naive, but I'm no sucker.
I am a sinner with a halo of gold,
an open book with secrets untold.
I am a hypocrite but always play fair,
a bleeding heart and I don't care.
I am a mother who acts like a child,
crazy, impatient and easily riled.
I am spontaneous and I am a bore,
forever forgiving, I still keep score.
I am unstable and wonderfully wise,
a ** deviant in sweet disguise.
I am creative and self-destructive
naturally skilled and unproductive.
I am shy and I am outspoken
with a heart of glass, easily broken.
I am awkward and well refined,
lost, insightful and a little love-blind.
I am respected and I am addicted
shamed by burdens, self inflicted.
I am a perfectionist and I am a slob,
unbiased and shallow, an inept snob.
I am nocturnal, a creature of night,
blissfully ignorant, typically right.
I am cautious and I have no fear,
a loser and quitter, still I persevere.
I am brilliant and easily amused,
over-zealous and under-enthused.
I am impervious with wounds to heal,
a habitual liar just keepin' it real.
I am witty and weird and mean-
I am what I am.......100 Aileen.

────(♥)(♥)(♥)────(♥)(♥)(♥) _ ɪƒ ƴσυ'ʀє αʟσηє,
──(♥)██████(♥)(♥)██████(♥) ɪ'ʟʟ ɓє ƴσυʀ ѕɧα∂σѡ.
─(♥)████████(♥)████████(♥) ɪƒ ƴσυ ѡαηт тσ cʀƴ,
─(♥)██████████████████(♥) ɪ'ʟʟ ɓє ƴσυʀ ѕɧσυʟ∂єʀ.
──(♥)████████████████(♥) ɪƒ ƴσυ ѡαηт α ɧυɢ,
────(♥)████████████(♥) _ ɪ'ʟʟ ɓє ƴσυʀ ρɪʟʟσѡ.
──────(♥)████████(♥) ɪƒ ƴσυ ηєє∂ тσ ɓє ɧαρρƴ,
────────(♥)████(♥) _ ɪ'ʟʟ ɓє ƴσυʀ ѕɱɪʟє.
─────────(♥)██(♥) ɓυт αηƴтɪɱє ƴσυ ηєє∂ α ƒʀɪєη∂,
───────────(♥) _ ɪ'ʟʟ ʝυѕт ɓє ɱє.

i lend everyone my ear,
but nobody my heart,
And i sure would like to change that,
but i dont know where to start,
i smaile moreto myself,
is in my own company,
people  dont know how i feel,
they never even ask,
it seems that i have fooled them all,
they cant see past my mask,
if they were with me late at night,
when the world was still asleep,
maybe then i'd let them sort,
through the secrets that i keep,
but when i wake at 2am,
nobody is ever there,
and i learnt that why i hide my heart,
is because no one really cares.

I don't understand
p e r s i s t e n t
I was fine two minutes ago
u n c o n t r o l a b l e
I know I'm okay
o v e r w h e l m i n g
but
e x c e s s i v e
I can't
i r r a t i o n a l
breathe
d r e a d
why did
d i s a b l i n g
I even say
p o u n d i n g   h e a r t
that
s w e a t
do that
t r e m b l i n g
why am I doing this
s h a k i n g
I can't
s m o t h e r i n g
do this
c h o k i n g
someone
c h e s t   p a i n
please
d i s c o m f o r t
help me
n a u s e a
save me
d i z z y
I can't stop
u n s t e a d y
am I
l i g h t - h e a d e d
crazy?
f a i n t
am I
c h i l l s
dying?
h o t   f l a s h
they all
n u m b n e s s
think that
t i n g l i n g
a freak
d e r e a l i z a t i o n
no one will
d e p e r s o n a l i z a t i o n
ever
l o s i n g   c o n t r o l
love me
“ g o i n g   c r a z y ”
why does it feel like I'm
d y i n g
STOP
N O
STOp
N o
STop
n o
Stop
. . .
stop
. .
please
.
just...stop

you know something is wrong with our schooling system if they give us an entire week off and kids are still miserable about going back... it's to the point where they can't even say its because we're lazy. maybe its because we have teachers that genuinely don't care if we pass or fail, we have those teachers that teach just to give us a test and if we fail, it's automatically our fault for not studying or working hard enough. the students just treat each other like crap and judge one another, and the only time we ever seem to care about one another is when something tragic happens... we don't hate school cause we're lazy, we hate school because of its a horrible environment with ****** people. why would we want to do something every single day that just makes us miserable?

she is the girl that has a few best friends. she is the girl that laughs the hardest at her own jokes. she is the girl that expects way too much. she says she doesn't care what other people think, but deep down, she does. she is the girl that will hang up on you but then will call you back and say sorry. she is the kinda girl that will put all of her trust in you until you give her a reason not too. she is the girl that will never leave your side when you need her. the girl that will go out of her way just to cheer you up. she is the girl that says she isn't ticklish, but she really is. she is the girl that will not give up on you of she really believes in you. she is the kind of girl that truly believes in love...

you still make me smile, even if you're the reason why I'm sad

they witnessed her destruction,
then were left to wonder why,
she saw nothing but darkness,
though the stars shone in her eyes,
but maybe they'd forgotten,
when they failed to see the cracks,
that a star's light shines the brightest,
when it's starting to collapse.

you were the lightening
and i was the tree,
and your words were the fire that burned


t  h  e     b  e  s  t    p  a  r  t  s    o  f
                   me

Most adults call teenagers careless, parsimonious, spoiled, ignorant, and weak but have these adults ever stopped to think, what is it like to be a teenager in today's society. That school is a lot harder than when they went to school. That there is a lot more tension put on them. Pressure from their parents to do better in school. Even though a good share of adults probably wouldn’t be able to do the math that teens these days do now. Pressure from their peers to send nudes through text messages, to sleep with their girlfriend or boyfriend. To drink and get high. To go and **** themselves. Do these adults ever stop to think? Teenage suicide is the second cause of death, for teens 15 to 24. Some adults make comments about how they were bullied as a kid. That is part of life. This may be so with today teenagers. When they get home the bullying doesn’t stop. They are bullied online through text messages and some are bullied by their parents and siblings. To the point when they can't take it anymore. That they commit suicide. There’s even a small few who are tired of hurting. That they take it out on others. Which leads to teenagers afraid of another school shooting. Afraid that they or a friend will die. So they want something done. They want to feel safe when they go to school. They no longer feel tired and depressed. They want adults to understand how hard it is to be a teenager. Yet they are called lazy, selfish, spoiled, rude, and fragile. Instead of smart, selfless, kind, outstanding, brave, beautiful, and strong.



Here's to the girls like me. The ones who need makeup to feel beautiful, then stare into the mirror and cry. The ones who starve for perfection who feel isolated every day. The ones who cut and dream of death every day. The ones who don't know who they are the ones who push people away. Here's to the girls like me.

This girl I know
She is just ... like a book.

Her cover is so beautiful
And yet ... forever changing looks.

But this girl's beauty
Is unlike any that you've seen.

It really comes from all those pages
Those pages in between.

Each page tells a story
Some of sorrow oh so sad.

But for every one of those that you read
You'll find one of better time's she's had.

This girl I know
She rules a realm that no one ever see's.

This girl will never show it to you
And she will never show it to me.

This girl is tough
And dauntless and strong.

This girl she sings
The most beautiful songs.

This girl will never let you see her cry.

This girl will never answer you why.

This girl she doesn't need wings to fly.

Because this girl ... She is the sky.

You will find her overhead
Every day and every night.

Her sun will warm the hardest heart
And her stars they shine so bright.

If you should ever catch her and open that book
You'd better read as fast as you can.

Standing still in any one place
Is never in her plans.

But, this girl I know isn't running from something
And it's not that she's some bird on a wire.

She isn't blindly running through time, you see
This girl I know ... She has a world to set on fire.

The rain drums down like red ants,
each bouncing off my window.
The ants are in great pain
and they cry out as they hit
as if their little legs were only
stitched on and their heads pasted.
And oh they bring to mind the grave,
so humble, so willing to be beaten upon
with its awful lettering and
the body lying underneath
without an umbrella.
Depression is boring, I think
and I would do better to make
some soup and light up the cave.

I spent three weeks in a mental hospital and what I discovered there I feel like should be put into words...


we are not who we think we are.
the boy with turrets told the funniest jokes
the girl who rakes her nails up and down her skin could create the most exquisite drawings
the girl who abused drugs had the wisest soul
the boy with schizophrenia had the biggest heart
the girl who tried to **** her self told the boy with insomnia stories to help lure him to sleep.
the boy who wanted to **** himself had the deepest passion for cooking.
the girl with slits and scars all over her body dried my tears and told me I was beautiful
the boy with anger issues gave the warmest hugs
the girl with bulimia told everyone every day that they looked beautiful in their bodies.
the boy who was a compulsive liar told us that he wanted us all the get better and that he was for once, telling the truth.
the girl who almost drank herself to death stood up for everyone that felt they were feeling bullied.
the boy with severe social anxiety made sure nobody sat alone at meals.

we are not who you think we are...

I don't think anyone really understands how tiring it is to "act okay" and "always be strong" when in reality, you're so close to the edge

the words they say make bruises that dont fade away