Just Me

Just Me Jan 2014

Why

If I asked you what you loved
what would you say?

Can I guess?

Your mother, father, brother, sister
Reading, writing, singing
Music, friends
Everything

The list could go on and on
am I right?

I think I am.

But.

How long would it take you to say
the most important one

Minutes?
Hours?
Days?
Years?
Ever?

Would you be able to say it
Could you even say it

How long would it take you
to say
myself
I love myself

For some
It never happens

Why you ask?

How could someone not love themselves?

I think you know.
But you just don't want too.
You don't want to see it, hear it.

But I'm going to tell you.

Whether you like it or not.

So Why?

Why is because when she looks in the mirror
All she sees is an ugly face
An ugly body
And ugly soul
How could she love such an ugly being?

Why is because when she lies awake at 3 in the morning
All her insecurities attack her
All her doubts, her worries
Flood her every thought, drowning everything else out
How could she love such a weak pathetic being?

So you ask why some will never be able to say "I love myself"
This is Why
These are the thoughts going through their heads
The thoughts that never leave them alone

How long would it take you to say 'myself' Minutes, Hours, Days, Years, Ever

Just Me Jan 2014

Artist's Addiction

Just once* I whisper
so I pick up the silver and watch as it turns to red
its easy
quick
done

First it was anger
next it was the voices
then
addiction

Before I know it
the silver gets bigger
and the red gets deeper
then
The red fades
and I
fade
with
it.

Its the only thing that keeps me alive now
without it I don't know what to do
how to function
how to make it all go away
Its my Artist's Addiction

So the now blades are bigger
the cuts are deeper
the sleeves
are
longer
and the scars last forever.

When everything feels like the movies
You bleed just to know you're alive

I can paint prettier pictures now
pictures I like
pictures I can't live without
but there's a twist

The paintbrush, its my razor
silver
screaming at me
use me I can take it all away

The canvas, its my wrist
that screams out to me
I know you want to

Even when I'm at my best
they both scream out at me

*Its my Artist's Addiction

We are each addicted to something that takes the pain away...

Just Me Dec 2013

Blades

Reach for the blade. Its the only thing that can make you feel anything now.
        Now that everyone has destroyed what's left of you...
             How you will ever be the same again...

Draw it across and watch as the red flows behind it
         Again and again, again and again, again and again
             Till there is nothing but red
                  Dripping
                         Falling
                               Bleeding

At first its anger, hatred, betrayal
    Then it becomes less and less
         More of a habit
              Till you feel nothing at all
                       And all you want are the scars and to try to feel, try to be in control of something

It is always  easier to start than it is to stop

Just Me Dec 2013

Break Me

Do you want to know what I’m ******* sick of…
Probably not… It’s not like you’d give a **** anyways.
Because the moment you give a ****…you **** up your life.
It’s better to not feel anything than to feel and have it be ripped away from you.
The moment you trust in some…ha they're a fake. They don’t give a ******* **** about you or your problems…
Maybe it seems like they do…but they don’t care. They NEVER do.
I thought maybe he might have cared. After all he noticed.
**** it. It was a ******* lie.
Sure he noticed but that was all. He didn’t care…
He makes you feel again and then takes it all away… I forgot “the higher you go, the harder you fall” and that’s just what I did.
I was being stupid, naive, and idiot, to think for just a second he would understand or even care what I was going through.
Ha now I’m back to square one. Back to being just me.
Haha life is a cruel ******* game.
My demons know how to swim, they know everything about me. They aren’t under my bed they are in my head.
Now I’m back to the way it was before he came in. Before he tried to fix me. If anything he broke me even more…

Just Me Dec 2013

Just Me

silence
      Silent on the outside,
scream
      Screaming on the inside
drip
      Bleeding from my wrists
All in all I'm more ****** up then you can ever fathom

Just Me Dec 2013

Breath

breath in

Nobody gives a ****.

They can’t see the *tears through the smile I’m faking. They can’t hear me scream through the laughter I’m faking.
      I want nothing more than to stand in a room and scream my ******* lungs out and cry a ******* river and watch as you all ******* walk by like nothing is ******* happening.

breath out

Why?
        Because your all to ******* blind to see anything. You know what?
Open your ******* eyes for once in your **** life!!

breath in

     Look around you and notice the broken people. And for ONCE!! Stop thinking about yourself!!
           Think about the people around you and the fact that they aren’t as whole as you think they are!!
                In fact they are screaming, kicking, crying at you for you to notice TO CARE TO DO SOMETHING!!

breath out

Ha but you never notice!
       Nobody ever does!
And when you think that maybe just maybe they might have noticed it all comes crashing down on you when you realize they were just FAKING IT!
God I hate people I hate life I hate EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!!!

breath in

I’m just gonna go now…it’s not like anyone’s gonna notice anyway…

*...gone

Just Me Dec 2013

Can You See Me?

I'm sick of being alone
Tired of fighting my demons
Ready to be done...
I just want someone to notice
see through my mask
Someone to love me
Someone to tell me everything is going to be ok and hold onto me and never let me go...

But those are just silly dreams for a silly stupid ****** up girl, me
A girl with too many secrets
Secrets that eat at me and destroy me
And before you know it
     I will be gone
But its not like you care anyway
    Why?
Because you don't notice anything...
You don't open your eyes to the world around you
    To see beneath the masks, the lies...
You can't see

But maybe you'll see when I'm *gone
    but you won't give a ****
       you never do...

I'm gone
And you can't even see me.