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It doesn't matter
What they say or think
Whether they like you
Hate you
It's a show
One long *** dance
and I didn't forget my tutu
or toe shoes
Its a fight,
every breath,
every night
Smile Amanda,

Do it up right

Lye as still as the earth
in winter
Let him be the snow
Give a red lipped half grin
turn your face
say GO

Do it up right

Pretend
Be all you should
never could
Dance For him,

Do it up right

Spread your legs
with grace and style
Point your toes
red lipped smile

Do it up right

Arch your back
moan just right
whisper of things
They all wanna hear
Set a silk trap, spider

Do it up right

And when they ask
how your bills are paid
Comment, on how your legs are splayed
Tell them,

"I do it up right"
I realise how I used "lye". We do what we have to. Right?
I knelt,
beneath the weeping maple
watched its leaves for a time
It bleeds
Dragons Blood, its very name
Red
Star shaped leaves
Later
They unfold
Build
as the moon waxes
wanes,
The dogwood blooms
Unfold
as lovers unfold held souls
Fingers
Unfold
To hold another hand
Paper hearts
Unfold
to wrap, and keep another heart
And the moon
unfolds for you
A passing notion as I drove home then sat under the weeping Japanese Maple in my yard<3
and on they walked

with thoughts floating about in their heads

with resolutions tied closely to their flesh

and their mortality soaked in anticipation of the unknown.

they follow the drumbeat of time

and slowly they are hypnotized by the monotony of the world

the silent melancholy of their yesterdays plays across their heart

the recognized the tune

cos it had played before

but somehow they think its different

how could it be?

they aren’t any new demons to fight

just the old one in a different attire.

and on they walked..

on the same path they did yesterday

with the same thoughts that was on their mind yesterday..

.
if only skeletons were skeletons
then closets would be closets
if only addiction was addicted to me
then maybe falling in love wouldn't be as flimsy as falling out  of it.


i'm choking in the black smokes of forgotten loves
clutching eagerly to the limbs of failed dreams
glancing pensively into the mirror of my insanity with you
this is the funny side of my death;
i fear i'll love dying for you.

you must know; bleeding isn't enough euphoria anymore
i need to lurch these deeper into my bones
then i'll watch the effervescence of this darkness erupt into art
an iceberg of violent thoughts sinking my titanic

a cacophony of giddy butterflies
nudging me closer to your door
mocking how controless i am to you
your house; a terminal to my haunted thoughts

and then is it enough?
this colossal drop into the abyss
you see, i'm fading out slowly
and you're just there watching nothing
i'm fluttering to my last emotions
bear me up- my heart don't twitch no more
please, femme fatale; wreck me!
i overthink about her most times.

i wander about noisily in my room during the dark hours of night.

she’s both the addiction and the cure

the therapy and death.

i can’t help myself.

the lack of control is strangely appealing to me.

i can only wish that she feels the same way about me as i do about her.

i fear the love i have for her is consuming me.

i am losing myself to her.

and she doesn’t know it. yet.
everytime i touch
a cigarette ****
to my dry lips
all i can feel
is the softness of your kiss

everytime i empty
my scattered mind
i hear your voice
soothing everytime

i can feel
your gaze
i can seal
your kiss

but i cannot

i like to
lie
to myself

for

i'm lost in the pages
in which
i mapped
each spot
of your
body

i'm lost in the drawings
that i sketched
of your
eyes

        and might i
        just add
        how cursed
        and wretched of a
thing it is
        to be lost
        in something
        that will forever
        remain a*
            memory
he tells me I'm a
pretty painting
and that he'd love to
meet the artist
I tell him
my blood
sweat
and tears
caused all of this
"pretty"

he laughs
and shakes his head
hand rising to touch
a "no" croaks from my throat
"you can't touch
museum art"

he gives me
a look of determination
and says
"what if the art
is no longer
the museum's?"

his hands reach up
and he tears me from
my safe, safe wall
and steals me
he strokes each delicate
curve
with a rough, shaking hand
a hand shaking with
lust

he tells me I'm a
beautiful bird
and that he'd love to
acquire a feather
I tell him
my feathers
help me
fly from
"monsters"

he sighs
and shakes his head
hand already catching my throat
a "no" squeaks
from my chest
"birds were meant
for freedom"

he gives me
a look of exasperation
and says
"but what if the bird
is put in
a cage?"

his hands clasp me
and he rips me from
my safe, safe perch
and steals me
he plucks each delicate
feather
with a rough, shaking hand
a hand that shakes with
need

he tells me I'm an
intricate book
and that he'd love to
meet the author
I tell him
I am the
author
and I
wrote each word
with pain and misery
and
if he desires to read it
he must gain a
"key"

he cackles
and shakes his head
hands already tracing
my barriers
and what lies beneath
them
my mouth forms the word
"no"
and my tongue spits it out
from the fire in my stomach
he tuts
and shakes his head
a look of unwithering
victory
and says
"what if the book's
covers are simply
torn off?"

his hands reach up
and he strips off
my safe, safe barriers
he runs his shaking fingers
over every word and
punctuation mark
fingers that shake
with lust
he skims his burning eyes
over every letter and
accent
eyes that burn
with need
and once his satisfaction is filled
he leaves me
with nothing but paper
but I must thank the man
for he left me
*a pen
they say that writing
is a gift
and that those
who have been blessed by it
hold the world in their scathed
palms

they say that writing
is power
and that if
you can wield your pen right
you can make others feel
as you feel

and i'm afraid that that's why
i stopped

i cannot curse another
with these countless thoughts
that always tic-toc
and tic-toc

i cannot allow myself
to make another hurt
because i have felt much pain
this is no gift, my dearest,
this is a curse

i tried to stop
i try to stop
but i am afraid that
my writing is as endless
as the tic-toc of the clock
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