Death.

I've pondered on that topic
countless times

and every time
I revisit it,
It brings new things

Since I was 6
I've always thought of the idea
of death
or people around me dying

What pains me the most
is after all these years
I realised
people go on with their dying
no matter what you do

I can't seem to be able to
cherish the time I have with the people
around me enough

Death scares me
a
lot

I mean,
Why do people come into your life,
make an impact
change you
make you love them,
then leave.

Just like that.

Why do people say goodbye
and leave you there
in all the pain and agony

What's even worse
is when they leave out of choice

It makes you think that you could
have done something
but no one did

and then there is blaming
and regret
and sadness
and bitterness
and
lots of crying

I've never experienced it
just witnessed it
and I keep fearing the day
I would be the one feeling
all these things
and
not just observing

Today I was feeling
grouchy
in the morning

Firstly,
I was in a rush
like I always am
nowadays

Then, someone told me something
and
it triggered
feelings

then someone else
said something
and it
triggered more feelings

As a human,
I have a need
to express these feelings

Thus,
they turned into sadness,
                              anger,
                              bitterness

Then it hit me
hard
on the cheek

the pain was searing,
waking me up
from my
reverie

All these events
aren't connected
but the feelings left behind
after each of them
built up an ugly side of me

I'm so hung up on studying
But
Nothing gets in

It's so painfully
Stressful

I don't even know
If I'm trying anymore

I'm losing it
Slowly
Too much work
Too little time

Or rather
I don't make use of it

I guess sometimes
Silence
Is good

Sometimes
Making someone feel better
Is just letting someone be

That kind of silence
Is
Peaceful

Just sitting there
Side by side
In silence

No hugs
No words
No nothing

Which is why
I wish people could
Understand
The importance of silence

I never cried
No matter how sad
The movie was

I never cried
No matter how sad
The book was

So why do I cry
At words
Spoken from human mouth?

Why do I cry
At words
Typed out by familiar hands?

Could someone tell me
Why

Eat faster
Eat faster
Eat faster

I KNOW

I can't help it that I chew 40 times
before swallowing
I can't help it that I have a bad appetite
I can't help it that there is this uncomfortable feeling when I eat

I CAN'T

I hate it when you scold my sister
horrible stuff
about her weight
and when she gets sad
everyone tries to push the blame and deny
everything

and
WHY did you call me evil
why do you always call me evil?

I was trying to make her feel better
about herself
THAT HURT

I dont reject food to stay skinny
I think it runs in the family
everyday my grandma pushes food to me
while she herself eats so little

and everyday she gets skinnier and skinnier
lighter and lighter
and here I am just watching

you too eat so little every time
always not buying food for yourself
and eating instant noodles

STOP
just
STOP
everything

I can't help
*anything

I survived today.

Amidst the unexplainable
irritation
at everything
and
anything

the anger
the biting
the temper

the sadness

Amidst
the embarrassment
the anxiousness
the tears
and
the pain

I survived
and thats all that matters

Broken

I've seen this word so many times now
It may have
just lost its meaning
to
me

Sometimes I wonder,
are we really all that broken?

Yes,
we do have our down days
but
broken
thats a strong word

broken
means that all hope is lost
broken
is someone in great pain
broken
is despair

I dont want to see people broken

If you really mean it
when you say you are broken
I really sincerely hope
you
dont

Even if you are,
I will try
to be the one
to
fix you

you wont be the same
after experiencing brokenness
after all
the cracks still remain
but
those cracks
will give you
character

" We need never be hopeless
for we can never be irreparably
broken...."

Im tired of giving in
I want to be the one
feeling a bit down for a while
not trying to make everyone happy
for once

can't anybody just
understand
let me sulk
let me be tired
stop blaming me

and please
please
I really want a nice hug
now

I want your care
and
support
at this time

I gave you mine
and
I need some now

Will anyone spare me some?

I feel helpless
Everything that I had ever done
flushed down the drain

I dont feel love anymore
I have even started to dislike people
I once loved

As I stood and watched everything
just crumble
slowly but surely
my heart ached

No matter how hard I tried
Or think I did
It
just
doesn't
work

Too many people
Just one me
and
I have feelings too
Im not perfect
I have my bad days
Im not as nice
as
you might think
I am

Im fading away
Shivering
in the
cold
Hungry
for food

hungry
for the girl I once was