I survived today.

Amidst the unexplainable
irritation
at everything
and
anything

the anger
the biting
the temper

the sadness

Amidst
the embarrassment
the anxiousness
the tears
and
the pain

I survived
and thats all that matters

Like a matchstick
Under pressure and friction
I light up
Burn

Heat surges through
my body
and then after glowing for awhile
it is extinguished

*whoosh

I GET IT NOW.
remember how it was treacherous to think of a person to be more than a person
I made that mistake.
I thought of myself as more than a person
a weak empty vessel
that can only function when God sends
that river to flow through you, empowering you
how silly of I to think otherwise
I see now
and I kid you not
This is the most humble I have ever been so far

Even the strength we have
is not of ours
not mine to give
not mine to take
but its by God's grace that we have

It all makes sense now
everything that had happened
it clicks
I see the connection
ohmygoodness
how blind I have been

My pride led to my fall
painful yet its an awakening I so gratefully receive
I must know my place
a mere human being.

We don't hold the ability to change people
don't you see
that argument we had about how class bonding was useless
how we tried so hard but in the end you told me
humans can't change personality
humans can't change people
only God can

I argued
and now I find that
you were right all along
why was I so freaking blind

I took matters into my own hands
and I would not now
ever.

Because I am but a mere human being
I can't force anything
because it's not in my power or right.

I can only wait for him
to use me
by his mercy and grace.

Have you ever felt that feeling
where your mind transforms
from being cloudy, dark and grey
sitting in that grey area that just grows larger and larger as time ticks

and suddenly it clears.
Like sunshine after rain
I was brought to my knees
I fell.

And I'm glad I did
because never have I been so lost and selfish
that was my lesson.
this whole week was my lesson

and I thank you Lord for that lesson

I'm so hung up on studying
But
Nothing gets in

It's so painfully
Stressful

I don't even know
If I'm trying anymore

I'm losing it
Slowly
Too much work
Too little time

Or rather
I don't make use of it

Oh great
Now I can multitask
Playing the piano and rethinking
All my stupid actions

Oh how great
Daydreaming even while playing piano
Simply marvellous
What a handy talent right?

Who doesn't want it
You get to practice
And set the background music
While you replay your nostalgic film
Of how dumb your words have been
How insensitive they were
How over the top you have been

A lovely talent
For a lovely mind

Shhhh.....
I've found a different method now
Shhhh.....
Because you've taught me
what I learnt as a child
Shhhh....
Because words are too loud
So we turn to voice
softer
sometimes

Maybe I should turn to keys
Black and white keys
I play soft slow songs
Pedal pressing down

Maybe I should turn to art
each sketch releasing pressure
no
art reveals too much
and creates too much
stress

No writing
Because that's the whole point
Words are too permanent
Words are too impactful
Words are creatures of immense power

Physical pain on the other hand
is too much pain
and keeping silent is just not
good
for
pain

But no matter what
I must never turn to my mind
Imagination stopped being useful
About 2 years ago

My mind is too repetitive
Pictures repeat too much
Words flash too much
My mind adds salt
My mind adds fire
My mind adds ****.

I got kicked.
Like a dog being called to obedience

I got stabbed
By my own hand

My fault
My fault my heart got broken again

My eyes cry out
Like a dry desert

I can feel cracks
at the back of my eyes
It's so dry
It's sore

It's the effects of a drought
after a long monsoon

Its peculiar how life plans out
If she hadn't offered the girl at the piano her phone
even when I was the one whom she asked
I would have went to search for it
and realised it was missing.

but no.

Its funny how if we went to starbucks
we would have never had the time to take the round trip back.
back to square one

but no.

Its funny how the journey mirrored life
How we start off alone
Meet people along the way
Part ways midway
and then we go back separately
just like how we leave this world alone.


its funny

I've set the bar too high
for myself,
now I'm struggling to reach it

Give your best to
everyone

Be nice to
everyone

Notice and care for
everything

Be there
24/7

Have good grades

Be more outspoken

Be independent

Do well musically

Do well artistically

Be a good daughter
Be an obedient granddaughter
Be a loving sister

Be *sane

Im tired of giving in
I want to be the one
feeling a bit down for a while
not trying to make everyone happy
for once

can't anybody just
understand
let me sulk
let me be tired
stop blaming me

and please
please
I really want a nice hug
now

I want your care
and
support
at this time

I gave you mine
and
I need some now

Will anyone spare me some?

Some people break bones
and still smile

Some people get cuts
and brush it off

I am not those people
I get paper cuts
And whine like my finger just got amputated

I am like a nectarine, I bruise easily
I'm different.
But don't shelter me, I need to grow up
Grow out of this weak and soft shell

It is looked down upon
to be a nectarine
and thus, the cardboard needs to be cut
yet again

Because bubble wrap
doesn't solve things
one day,
all the bubbles would pop

what happens then?

There goes
the last string
I trusted not to snap

There goes
the last string
I trusted

All the other strings
are mended
taped
flimsy

Can I trust
strings again?

Such unreliable things strings are
how silly of I to think
the string wouldn't snap on me
Of course it did
you stupid gullible girl

It snapped and rebounded
stinging your fingers

ouch.

I feel helpless
Everything that I had ever done
flushed down the drain

I dont feel love anymore
I have even started to dislike people
I once loved

As I stood and watched everything
just crumble
slowly but surely
my heart ached

No matter how hard I tried
Or think I did
It
just
doesn't
work

Too many people
Just one me
and
I have feelings too
Im not perfect
I have my bad days
Im not as nice
as
you might think
I am

Im fading away
Shivering
in the
cold
Hungry
for food

hungry
for the girl I once was

Everyone is cranky
Everyone is breaking
But everyone is blaming
The
Wrong
Person

Can't you see
The ticking timebomb
Wasn't her
It's
*Me

It's treacherous to believe that a person is more than a person
I never really understood this line
till now

It really is treacherous
misleading
feeds your thoughts

that person loses her identity
she just becomes an idea.
and you my dear believe in that idea of her
so strongly you forget who she is.

don't
Because one day reality would come along
and turn the switch on to bring gravity back
leaving you waking up on the concrete floor
concussed and crying
bleeding and dying
**cheated of feeling

You see the thing with anger
is that it spreads
like a rampant disease

From one person
to another
Infecting more people
as it passes on

You see,
you need someone
to stop that anger
and turn it
into something
else

You should not keep
that anger inside
Let go
forgive

turn it into something beautiful
for it spreads
into
wondrous things

instead of hatred
and
frustration

This is something
I learnt
from all my wicked
experiences with my old enemy
anger.

It is scheming
yet
love always outsmarts it

And so can you

Eat faster
Eat faster
Eat faster

I KNOW

I can't help it that I chew 40 times
before swallowing
I can't help it that I have a bad appetite
I can't help it that there is this uncomfortable feeling when I eat

I CAN'T

I hate it when you scold my sister
horrible stuff
about her weight
and when she gets sad
everyone tries to push the blame and deny
everything

and
WHY did you call me evil
why do you always call me evil?

I was trying to make her feel better
about herself
THAT HURT

I dont reject food to stay skinny
I think it runs in the family
everyday my grandma pushes food to me
while she herself eats so little

and everyday she gets skinnier and skinnier
lighter and lighter
and here I am just watching

you too eat so little every time
always not buying food for yourself
and eating instant noodles

STOP
just
STOP
everything

I can't help
*anything

I am as blur as Dory
you might say
and
as clumsy as baby Bambi

Its a miracle how I get by

I guess sometimes
Silence
Is good

Sometimes
Making someone feel better
Is just letting someone be

That kind of silence
Is
Peaceful

Just sitting there
Side by side
In silence

No hugs
No words
No nothing

Which is why
I wish people could
Understand
The importance of silence

Have you ever felt
this sickening feeling
build up
in that space
just between your chest
and your stomach?

Its this feeling of
uneasiness
unexplainable sadness
hurt
confusion

The best way to describe it
is that sinking feeling
you get when you are on a swing
and
you get too high
and whoosh back down too fast

Its just there
I don't know why
I don't know how

I just wish it would go away
right now

Awkward rhyming
forced and cliche
question marks dotting the page
squiggly lines everywhere

I guess this is what I get
for writing poetry
to be judged

The worst part is
I agree.

I was asked to 'stir ****'.
Because she said I did that the best
She said I always stirred it

I guess I was mad for a while
But then
I guess she wasn't wrong

I did like to stir ****
be it intentionally
or
unintentionally

I come to school
Each day motivated
To make someone's day

I set targets each night
To whom I want to
Help

Sometimes they succeed
But most times
I just fail
Miserably

Or it just becomes a feeble  attempt

People just do it so effortlessly
Like how

I stutter trying to say
Words I've spent time planing

I wait hours
Before I finally decide
To hug someone

HOW DO YOU DO THIS
HOW DO WORDS JUST COME OUT
SO
effortlessly

HOW DO HUGS COME OUT
SO
naturally

HOW DO FEELINGS GET
SO EASILY
*transferred

Dear velohomme,

I know you probably hate me for doing all this
for forcing you and everything
I know why you used that quote
you don't want to be seen as a 'freak'
But you aren't my dear,
you are my friend, my very best friend
and I know you are scared how everyone might view you
and honestly you are perfectly normal and everything
aside from those 3 brothers
but you must understand that they deprive you of sleep
you dearly need
those tears that fall. you are scared. You have written.

You are amazing in every way
but if there is something wrong
and you need help
I hope you reach out your hand to receive it

There is nothing wrong with a little help
I honestly don't mind being the bad guy
I mean, you can hate me
want to **** me
slap me
throw something at me

but if at the end of the day
everything falls into place
and you get better
though you may not agree.

It would be worth it
I wish I could tell you there is nothing wrong
but maybe sometimes there is
and we all need a little fixing
maybe its just society
I would love to agree that there is nothing wrong
but maybe there is
neither of us wants to admit it

by this time you are probably bursting
with anger and hurt
and maybe other emotions

I just want to let you know
that even if you won't talk to me anymore
even if you don't want to see me
I don't regret it.
I just don't want to keep closing my eyes
thinking its all okay
My mind has been clouded.

Well just to comfort you
I won't be doing anything or telling anybody soon
Just God.
Because its him who does the magic right?
He's the one with the fairy dust.

I'll leave it all up to him
It's not up to me, or you or anyone
it's up to him.

And tonight,
I really hope he answers my prayers
because wishing on 11 11 is *******
wishing on stars and believing about stardust magic
is *******

honestly,
I've been neglecting him a bit
and I'm ashamed and sorry
But I trust that he'll save you lil' sis

He'll be by your side whenever you fall
in the dead of night
whenever you call and please don't fight
these hands that are holding you.

God's hands are holding you

Im
not the hero
not the villain
not the love interest
not the clown

Im the supporting actor

The one that can disappear for a while
then reappear

The one that is there so often
Its just granted if its there

The one that
if it leaves,
The story just goes on.

The hero defeats the villain
Marries the love interest
Has the clown there for laughs
and
maybe occasionally think
back
on
the
supporting actor.

Sometimes they die
Sometimes they turn dark
Sometimes they have a movie
about them that just doesn't quite take off.

but supporting actors
are cool.

They were always my *favourite

I drove myself to this state
This state of weakness
My body couldn't take it no more
It betrayed me
Left me burning through the day

All the emotional stress
created friction with my brain
decided maybe, if what you see with your eyes
pains you so much

*why don't we burn it?

I'm holding water
Salty water
and
Its spilling out my hands

United we stand
divided we fall

I guess we're all falling
not together
but
at the same time

No matter how hard
you try to make things better
to cheer everyone on
solve issues
fake happiness

It doesn't work if I can
see through that
mask of smiles

To make someone else happy
you have to first
make yourself happy

because genuine happiness
warmth
and
love

can only be translated
and spread
If it comes from deep down
and
its
*real

There goes
I relapsed
again

How insensitive of me

My grandma says i've gone
insane

I'm not denying it

A
T
T
A
C
K

pew pew pew

What made everything sink in
fall on me
like heavy bricks
crushing every breath from me

was those words you said
"That's why I always ask you to take care of yourself.
Don't take all these small things lightly. You never know"

And it hit me
Real bad.
What if one day these things happened to her
All those countless online medical checks
what if they meant more

and tomorrow
I hope it goes well tomorrow
It must
It will

Why do people only notice
when tears start to fall

Ain't it sad
how no one cares
during the point
where you are holding it all in

It's the part
where no one notices
that unlocks
the dam

To feel left out
abandoned
neglected

It *****
I know
I've been through it

The quiet one always
gets left behind
because she lets go too soon

I'm sorry
I was a tad too late
to stop those tears

I noticed too late
I was lost in something else
not worth
my attention

Im sorry
You had to cry
to get noticed

Im sorry
I realised too late
that watching you draw
made all the difference

*Im sorry

One day you would realise
That special fizz died

You waited and waited
But it just didn't seem to
Come back

You waited and waited
Till your tears dried up
It just didn't come back

You waited and waited
Only to find out
That fizz relighted somewhere else
And it's never coming back

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Its like I was                                 a minute ago
                    
                               sad  

then Its     bittersweet


slightly happy

CRAZYYYYY

Because I can't stop

Today I was feeling
grouchy
in the morning

Firstly,
I was in a rush
like I always am
nowadays

Then, someone told me something
and
it triggered
feelings

then someone else
said something
and it
triggered more feelings

As a human,
I have a need
to express these feelings

Thus,
they turned into sadness,
                              anger,
                              bitterness

Then it hit me
hard
on the cheek

the pain was searing,
waking me up
from my
reverie

All these events
aren't connected
but the feelings left behind
after each of them
built up an ugly side of me

I guess I spilt today.

I have a tendency
to word *****

So now you know,
both of you
I don't know what you'll do

And I hope
you don't fall apart
like I did

I trust you.

I guess things just got
a tad too much
and
you made me realise it

Im sorry
I passed it on to you

Because I keep going

I have this bad habit
of digging up
old stuff
scrolling through it
and
feel each stab
grinding itself
deeper
and
deeper
into my chest

Its like I'm asking for it
but
each time I read them
I understand
new
things

Its those small things
that cloud your vision
the most

just a few words
can ruin everything

Its those small things
that build up to big things

Its those small things
we try to ignore
until one day,
they come back
and
bite us in the ***

Death.

I've pondered on that topic
countless times

and every time
I revisit it,
It brings new things

Since I was 6
I've always thought of the idea
of death
or people around me dying

What pains me the most
is after all these years
I realised
people go on with their dying
no matter what you do

I can't seem to be able to
cherish the time I have with the people
around me enough

Death scares me
a
lot

I mean,
Why do people come into your life,
make an impact
change you
make you love them,
then leave.

Just like that.

Why do people say goodbye
and leave you there
in all the pain and agony

What's even worse
is when they leave out of choice

It makes you think that you could
have done something
but no one did

and then there is blaming
and regret
and sadness
and bitterness
and
lots of crying

I've never experienced it
just witnessed it
and I keep fearing the day
I would be the one feeling
all these things
and
not just observing