it's the longing that does it;
being deprived nightly
& over again
of your southern inhale
that skin
when did I begin this
masochistic, bloodthirstiness
born at 26
your picture in my right hand
like my ribs had tastebuds
& I needed to give my limbs to you  

and it's the longing that does it;
garden me darling
dig with bare hands
starved fingertips
my entire body
under every one of your nails

I've claimed and not climbed ladders
to say that I was high
but I can't blame my mind
and the sky
at the same **** time
"why" I've asked you
why;
do you exist in me this way ?
I lie here plummeting my palm
against the ache between my legs
you're far away
so far away
& far is where you'll stay
until the end of this debris
of all this
counting
d
o
w
n
the days

when she said my name -
I was forced to learn the difference
b e t w e e n pain & **ache

let me slip
into your skin
like sleep
like sheets
and fall asleep
between
the s p a c e s where
you breathe
& you dream
like this my arms feel long
my legs, a thousand miles
to wrap myself
around the shelf
of ribs that hold your while's
somebody, anybody
tell me how to
stop
wanting what I cannot have
instead of what I've got
this have, it feels like nothing
it all pales to what you pour
and everyday
I stay awake
wanting you
more
& more
& more

I woke up early
& went outside where the ducks were sleeping
I thought about seeing you
I did this all morning
the air was cold & wet
my shoes were off

I didn't have coffee today

a n d
*I really can't wait to see you

it isn't setting for me
to want t h i n g s before sleep
or to wake up
finding
I still want the same things
my want turned into a haunting
I become tightened in my sheets
& you're the ghost I want the most
so come possess me as you please

& as those dead petals
settled on my windowsill
I stood still
unmoved I knew
the inevitable to be true
to lose
was the only thing left to do
with *you

loosely
I allow myself to think of you
as not to become foolish
and truthfully
it's all I end up doing;
I play the fool in the schoolyard of your voice
I learned to listen without ever making noise
I fight and fetch *all of your sounds
& I can't stop your pour of longing
in & all over my mouth

don't promise her the stars
don't surround her with that kind of dark
& please
don't speak what you can't feed
just love her & mean it
you should love her or leave

take my chest
take my chest
and all of it's ache
away with my breaths
that you take everyday
take my tongue
take my mouth
cause I don't need to speak
these words, my mind
I eat & lose them
take my teeth
take my wants and take my needs
all they do is cause me grief
take my knees
you make them weak
would you please hold these things for me ?
now take my ribs
you take my ribs
& I do not want them back
you take my lungs
you take my heart
and all of her attacks
please take my head
you take my head
and hold it in your hands
tell it what you want
cause it does not understand
I give my organs
make you hold them
I gave you all of me
and if you don't agree
than please tonight, just take my eyes
and with them take these dreams
I cannot sleep
I'll never sleep
when you're all I can see

I'm crawling
I'm crawling
I'm calling you, woman
my holy intrusion
I'm confused but still moving
I've been known to breathe like lakes do
been known to freeze
did you think I was blind
do you think I can't see ?
clearly
we all have our beasts
but mine is scaled and rather frail
and yours was born with teeth
so roar for me
and I'll feed you my body
you cannot hunt for my blood
after you've chosen to swallow me;

see i'm no old woman
and you are no wolf
with your fairy-tale face
your storybook looks
and oh what big eyes you have
no better way to haunt me
than the pain stains on my hands
from me and all my wanting

rightfully
i'm left
i've been wrecked
now arrest me
with your legs
'round my neck
this is wreck-less
i'm a wreck, see?

an ocean filled with sharks
swimming faster than I blink
& all the sharks inside this deep
are all swimming after me
do I surf it out and see
what's waiting up for me
that i attack, i should bite back
like i'm the only one with needs
girl I have wings
& I have feathers
they're just much heavier than yours
they aren't wispy, they aren't soft
it's kind of like i'm made of swords
i'm still a bird
or just a girl
with way too many worlds
I'm sure of what I want
i'm just not sure of where to go
who's to say like who should know
when i've been blinded by your glow
it's just with all of this unknown
I do not need to want you more

I've felt fire honey
& i've known what it feels like to get burnt
then I took one look at you
and decided I was right
this must be what sunlight tastes like
it must burn

tell me how not to want you
(i need you to say it)
teacher; teacher
(woman) I'm writing you down

this woman is not mine
"she's not mine" - I've cried this a billion times

she is mine though
she's my morning; my mind before coffee
my night, bedtime, my dreams
she haunts me
she is light
she's alright with it, because i won't say it
she's okay with it & I'll never say it

stone ribs turned to glass
my heart had wings before this
now it wants to lay down
somewhere beside you where time doesn't move
& we're the only ones moving
I want to move inside of you
slowly
the way music does or good news
i want you to miss my hands
& I want to sip from yours

I want to kiss you everywhere water pushes when you swim, or bathe

& someday
                      someday I'll catch your bottom lip
     between my teeth & keep you there

*now teach me how to keep you

how dare I
compare you to the birds
the stars
the beach or even trees
& shame on me for blinking
when you are all I see

I've watched the sky
light up the night
and every time
I've seen your eyes
in Orion
I've seen them in Hydra
and the minors
I've dreamt you were mine girl
when you smile
I can see it for miles
but our stars haven't aligned
or maybe I'm just blinded by the
lightning
or the light
from the moon
I can see it from my room
& I can see you in that too
and I'm in love with the universe
I'm so in love with the way it works
between the blue & all the latitudes
the way the wind blows through
is how I mean to move in you
but I'm not a bird
and you're not amused
if only I could prove my fuse
on my spaceship
to meet your atmosphere
but I'll just lay here
alone under these stars
& maybe if I don't blink
I'll find your heart

I'm having beer for breakfast
& you're nowhere around
freed a completed checklist
of my spine spiraling down
I'm queen
I'll eat you legless
your knuckles form my crown
through your deep breathing down
your knees become my necklace
and I'm pushing through your sounds  
it's the bed that's shaking now
but you feel it in the ground
your sweat has met the sheets
and through your bones
I feel you now
between our breaths
we're chest to chest
I fumble through your brown
with every strand tied in my hand
and both your lips against my mouth

I'm feeling nostalgic
about a woman in my sleep

did she call yet ?

I think I'll feel it when she speaks

that i'm f a l l i n g
but I don't come with wings . . .

so it's a l m o s t

time to quit this dream
where you're taller
you're looking right at me
I feel small
and
you weakening my knees
it's called log z's
it's like being asleep;
but I don't want you in my dreams no more
I want you where I breathe

it's like fall
how
the colors hit the trees
and how the wind keeps blowing
disbelief
underneath my feet

& how you think you make me laugh
when you really torture me

am I crazy
for wanting what I see ?

if this is crazy
well then
I don't really know what to believe

How do I
close my eyes & not see you
believe that you're real
when my hands
they can't feel you
in disarray I'm stranded
and land just can't be land
if i can't plant in it or stand it

what does her hair smell like
darling
I'm dying to know
yes I can tell you that she's pretty
but it burns inside my bones
& you can hear my ****** silence
pouring from my nose
that I can taste your empty pressing
tearing at my clothes
every inch of all my skin
is stretched over the phone
I don't know how far I can take this
but I know how far it goes
& I might try to show you patience
until my chest is left exposed
my tongue it sifts through all this
sound
until my mouth is all you know

blacked out
i've blacked out
these images of need
confusing wants with
something i'm not even sure I can believe
but these wants feel more like needs
& I cannot see passed them
if it is something i can't see
than show me how I can have them
deceived
it is deceiving
believing in your dreams
when you wake up
and nothing is as quite as it once seemed
and here i am
so far away
from things that I was seeing
dreading time and space
and everything
keeping me from sleeping
take me back now
take me back
to these movies of you
cause it's the only place
I get your face
& it's become my favorite view

I dream to see daylight on top of you
& me on top of that
I like to imagine you in nothing
on your back, lying down flat
& somedays
I want your waist
to know exactly what you taste like
I'd be quiet
I'll lay sideways
with your leg between my thighs and
I have climbed miles of vines
I grew myself with my bad timing
of staying up too late
at night
drinking wine to fuel some writing
about a girl a world away
starting fires burn inside me
she knows not
one drop of
the
information that I'm hiding
I'll admit
I keep my volume & my thoughts about her
silent
but even her nothing
is exciting
it's just my chest begs for your
head and in my bed I'm left
deprived

I've lost my grace tonight with whiskey
& sitting patient on a plane
I'm driven crazy by your face
& how it's swallowing my brain
I feel so
i n a p p r o p r i a t e
with the things I want to say
my hands are idle with intention
& your spine's calling my name
who do I blame this on tonight
for wanting you so bad
my nails are living for the day
they trace the inside of your back
I cannot focus now at all
I've got these i d e a s like scripture
I'm drawing down the halls I've fallen on
to make a perfect picture
the thought of you exhausts me
& I'm not ready for your swoon
for this my hands they do profess
under your dress
in your bedroom

I want to be that thing for you
when water reflects all the scenery above it
I image cypress
to be dimensionless
that's what I want

I woke up tired today
even for me
I felt tied down to my sheets
tides sliding through thoughts of you
watched you glide down my shoreline
wash you out from my teeth. to. my. feet.
I think it's your eyes, darling
they're like colliding stars
I tell myself not to look
& start clutching my arms
I tell my heart to be silent
causing my chest too much harm
I was fine until your name
came and rang all my alarms
now the courtyard of my quiet
was taken from me
like breath after breath
until I no longer see
& in that very first second
I learned of that face
I knew nothing more than
maybe
it belonged in my hands
& pulled it close so I could taste it

i want to hand something to you
that we both have not seen
i'm sure you think you know more
in your decade
than in all my missed scenes
but i'm in no competition
I just want your attention
i wish you had less on your plate
than what you'd find in my kitchen
with your permission
i'd like to submit something
a premonition of my being
but these thoughts turn into dreams
& if i can't lie still
than sleep i found
is hard to achieve
when i carry nothing;
what do we sing for ?
when that curtain drops pressure
it's not something i'd lean on
but an idea
of a beautiful woman
an impossible girl
the kind that sends your knees to the ground
she'll make your jaw hit the floor

here you've shown up;
leaving me to guess where you came from
expecting me to know what to do with you
(with this)
& now waking up is exhausting
falling asleep is impossible
cause I'm not allowed to smell you
& this falling
this fall will be what kills me

you've got a face like a diamond
I'll cut to the chase
like somebody designed it
for a woman that's so hard to find
let me find you & sleep behind it
you're a dime boo
it's blinding
and if he says he don't want you, he's a blind fool
cause you're mind food
you're a crowned jewel
they gotta **** with me to get ta you
you're better than fried food and good news
you better than Cher songs and new shoes
and I wrote this just for you
cause I heard 3 seconds of a wayne song and lost my cool
cause you're the coolest
and if i was part of a news cast i'd weather your blues
& I ain't even gay for you
I just think you're a ruler and wanna break rules with you
I wanna watch people skate like there's nothing better to do
and when the day is ******* done
i'll be like
dude, you rule
you rule
you rule
you rule
you rule

sometimes, I wonder what you think about
when your eyes are closed
through all the florescent shapes that
melt and bend around the objects
you were focusing on before;
and if it's ever me
I've been seeing you everywhere
today I saw you in the ocean
I listened to waves and rocks
crash beneath my feet
and while that child laughed with every gull
I thought I heard you speak
for the past hour
I've stayed silent
listening only to the incessant caw of these ravens
and praying they never stop
& wished instead to hear your footsteps
with every leaf that dropped
I'm having a hard time with your face today
that I so badly want to kiss it
& fearing for my sanity
that I should ever miss it
circumstance is such a strange concept to me
it's when I c a n n o t be with you
that
I can no longer
breathe

here I
lie on my back
this ceiling (white)
is my sky tonight
alone
my legs whisper
what I do not need to hear
from my toes to to my thighs
i try
to peel you away
from staying too late
inside of my brain
cause I need sleep honey
I need a lot of things
mostly string
so i can tie my bells to you
that way i'll know when you're close
because lately
you show up out of no where
&oh; how you l i n g e r
you'd think
somehow
I'd had you before
the way that I want you right now
but that doesn't matter
i'm just a scatter at night time
I'm wasting time on paper
and usually I can figure out what to do
but not like this
cause she has what I want
what I silently love
my useless truth
darling
i'm blue
because I have your attention
but she;
she has you

Keep it to yourself
I yelled
from the top of that hill
slow down heart
be quiet;
be still
you beat & you jump
please refuel these old lungs
maybe not with that taste
I've become too fond of
like liquor
like ***
a name burns up my tongue
now I run
& I run
to the front of my dungeon
I tried burning you out
but my thoughts of you flooded
I'm up to my chin
drowning slowly
I see it
It just isn't that easy
to ignore what I'm feeling, seeing
I could not breathe when I saw it
& then it knocked me off my feet
like there were bombs
in my carpet

s o m e t i m e s
late at night
while I'm gawking at the sky
I make up spells with the stars
I play your face in my mind
and with your chains I am guided
through space & inside time
there is a life wherein you're mine
a silent light behind my eyes
it does the opposite of blind
& I am enlightened by this find
I say your name quite q u i e t l y
that even the birds feel so inclined
that i'm reminded of your smile
every time I watch them fly
you're like a diamond in a dream
that shines inside of wind-chimes
playing songs during my sleep
my own *r o m a n t i c lullaby
the brightest beam I've ever seen
you belong beside the sky
& sometimes
just s o m e t i m e s
things aren't always as they seem
you know you can't say that to me
for I know exactly what i've seen

duplicated hills
spilling thrills upon water
I watched the sun go down
I watched the bay change
& I wondered
why do i drive late at night
just to be all alone
get me away from this bridge
& take me back home
I'm spilling my guts tonight
& I don't care who sees it
I have enough on my plate
to feed every beast needing
I wish I could spin this wheel
& flip me around
park my car in your yard
in your bed I'd lay down
but I cannot tonight
my thoughts are all slipping
but i think I've grinned enough
to sleep tight where i'm living
there is a chance this night
to see your sweet face
if i could just close my eyes
& sleep now
to not waste
another second
being selfish
in writing this out
i wish to wake up with you
i n s t e a d  o f
face down

It's cold outside
but I refuse to go in
the moonlight gets me high
and the wind coats my skin
with a presence
a present
i'm presently in
i'd like to forget you sometimes
but the stars
outline your bends  
and I defend my every whim
with uncertainty i'm sure
I don't know what you think about
with spells I burn your thoughts of her
I stay unsure
I am not yours
sometimes I sleep through dreams I was
some nights I fight a tired mind
& wake up screaming, just because
I do not know
I will not know
until you open up your mouth
until we're standing chest to chest
like this I'm doomed to leave the south

Hey Time,
just this once
could you do me a favor ?
maybe take the night off;
I can explain my disclaimer
you've just been moving so fast
& I want back what I came for
they say you go on without us
so what the hell do we stay for ?
it's like every single second
draws a line by my mouth
I'm not the type to sit and waste you
but I've seen the work that you're about
I'm not saying that I doubt you
but you're showing me no light
I sit in the dark surrounded by
your wisps & ticking every night
i'm frightened by you, Time
you give me no guidance
instead you torture my mind
& brightly blind me with defiance
you've tried to take what was mine
when your minutes started flying
I wasted a year ignoring that
& found the opposite of silence
So i'm begging you tonight
to hand me only what I came for
press your pause button, please
so I can slowly stop the pain
for just tonight
it's all I ask
a favor easily returned
you give me back my life
I promise you
my soul you will have earned

Hating the time difference as usual
Usually just
Un using things
Not really thinking about importance and
Disproving what's changed
It's strange
It's deranged
Intangible
or is
Nothing the same
still I'm grateful
Anything with your name is
Delicious it's
Served at my table
It burns holes in my grace like
We're so unattainable
But I'm so
righteously grateful
for every single word being tasted
like maple
Like syrup
I wanna pour you up
and out
sweet substance
Cut you up with my fork
you disturb meals like
you've been in my mouth
With
Forgets and what torments
everything from lint to fabric
I might wear you but
you, you're still absent
and I'm inadequate
I'm chasing dreams of your necklines
I'd like to relate the responsibility of trying to describe your face
But that's impossible
You're so gorgeous it's like forcing everyone to burn holes inside of trouble
It's like trying to relate these things publicly
try and explain what's important
When all i want is to try to say you're important to me

But you won't hear it
You're too young so you
Do what you want and I
Just lay down
Bite my tongue & I
Retry to say words that might strike you
Instead
Pretend my mouth might
Bite into your neck
That you might let me
Kiss all of the skin
stretching from your head to your knee caps
Make you relapse from my lap
to your shoulders
We are holy
I am yours, girl
You no longer need that discloser
& if you'd decide to be mine
I'll have you wake up adored
and I'll hold every single word.
and no matter what goes on in this world
I just want to rock yours  
and anyway
hey;
We might be worlds away
but i'm not use to being stopped

That moment between
Asleep & dreaming
My brain plays your face for me
& suddenly you're streaming
I'm dreaming
I'm dreaming
My pillows keep beams of you
My sheets too
& you're being seen
You're being dreamed of
& because of this treat
I could sleep for weeks
Easily

You're on my mouth
[it's nothing new]
Meal
I chew through
thoughts of you
& before I've swallowed
I'm ready for the next bite

I've wrapped up
& taped down all my breaths
(This time)
Instead of
you
Always taking them away

surround me with your light darling
mine is going out
it's these nights
this air-fill that I desperately search for
killing my time with someone else's
I inhale my evenings
I flood and burn every feeling
i'm not trying to drown myself
but I do, all the time
these bottles sink
these cigarettes stink
i'm trying to float to you
but I can't swim in the dark
and at some point
my eyes turn everyone into you
and I turn into someone else

I've climbed out of my own cage this time
My own ribs & blood
& all the salt
Comparable to the ocean
I've rinsed my cheeks incessantly
Cry? I don't cry
I weep
& never because I missed you
Your bones are metal to me
& I don't weld
I start to pick up
& you sprinkle your ashes in my mouth
your ashes weigh more than sand
& I can't stand anything that stops my breathing
& she's still on your hands, your eyelashes
So keep me out of your head
I don't live in your mouth anymore
I moved out
I tripped on your tongue, stranger
& learned to walk a bit slower
I'm learning to be more like grass
Strong enough to be stomped
& silent
I'll grow everywhere it rains
& Come January
I'll burn like hair

I've spent my morning
reading, dreaming
I listened to the rain
oh how the drops, they hit my roof
each one spelling out your name
each letter is it's own
every drop
a little fuller
& in the wet
I catch my breath
I see it pouring as I pull her
if I replace the steam that I now breathe
my gasps won't seem as cruel
that I might look up at the sky
my dear
& all I see is you

I chase
I chase
everyone pales in comparison
I'm stale
I listen
I hear only you
you feed me substance
it keeps me thin
keep me healthy
as i listen
i witness
I'm sinless
and you
you're skinless until I've touched you
i'm ribless until devoured
we're nothing
until together
and maybe
we're that maybe
that ends up making
some sort of
sense

I'll start breathing again
& release this exhale
From the hell that it came from
Like swallowing nails
I inhaled every smell
And like fire it stunk
I was a tree
You were mean
How you burned down my trunk
But it's done
It's all done
I'm not worried about you
& the noise that you made
drilling holes in your truth
I'm not stressed out or cold
I'm not bitter or sad
What we had was an accident
Now it's gone & I'm glad
I can stand up with excellence
I got you off of my back
Like I lost 1000 pounds
That I never want back

she obviously doesn't need anyone to tell her goodnight
and
o h  m a n !!
**** good morning
**** if it doesn't feel like mourning
when i wake up ridiculous
when i fall asleep stupid
we both speak English.
**right?

nowadays
wondering is starting to feel more like fear
& if I can't be near you
then I don't want to feel it
it's driving me crazy
and I can't find my brakes
I spend too much time
wasted
my thoughts get blotched in outer space
& just in case you ever wonder
how I feel about your face
i fear i feel a bit too much
and praise the day I get to face it
& anyway
I'd never say it
I can't say anything I want
cause I don't even think you want it
and my want's just aren't enough

amounts of you, honey
come flooding in hundreds
an abundance of flutter
that plummet my stomach
I could suffer in wonder;
pick up & run from it
or find my lost grip
from the crumbling I numb in

Nothing you say now
Feels familiar and I
Thought I'd never see the day
I couldn't count on anything
Not even numbers
I just roll my eyes
I roll them so when I look back
the pain from straining
Will stop the remembering
And I'm forced to wait
To see clearly again

are miles suppose to mean something to me ?
if I don't breathe when I'm with you
if I can't breathe when you leave
it's the same **** thing
[ e v e r y  t i m e  ]
I scribble these lines
I try making them rhyme
am I just wasting mine ?
what is all this time good for ?
torture maybe ?
if miles separate lives
when i'm  dying to find
the right lines to align
and building this frame
with nothing behind it
the sky is the limit
but the sun is so blinding
so I go out at night
and chase moonlight with wine sips
I've learned not to trust wine lips
or lips at all, really
cause i'm afraid of the brain
that makes it all so appealing

Am I thinking too much
Or is it too little ?
Consumed with what's in between
I found you in the middle
so riddle me this
there's a flick in my wrist
it wants to push and press
breathlessness
from under your hips
out of your lips
i want you to grip both my shoulders
turn your weight into shapes
I'll hold, unfold and then smoulder
your tongues a bit young
for my taste when I'm sober
i'm not one to hold back
turn this hole in my face to it's holster
i'm not bold but I'm brave
I'll probably break if I hold her
& the older I get
seems the more I grow colder
it was the cold that unfolded
the roll of my boulder
she's the ice in the road
that stole the control
I lost in October

I don't believe that I was forward
but you pointed straight ahead
and I didn't insinuate our ***
but you gave me head in my bedroom
your legs, those legs
should not leave my blankets
your hair smelled like fall does
& your chest made me anxious
you laid there like a goddess
I should have hand fed you grapes
you stole my night and my morning
I should have asked you to stay
but it's okay
now it's daytime and i'm keeping myself busy
you left your smell on my fingers
& it's making me dizzy
I smiled as you left
& when you walked out the door
I saw your car leave the yard
& your ******* on my floor