running marathons of

chasing something

something like the

breath you laid on my shirt

what cancer to this body
by how you treat my cells
is irrational

& why all of this sitting ?

I would run to you

but

I know what's twisting your doorknob

and it's already sent me away

such a creature of my bad habits
but I repeat such good in you after this

your heartbeat like the quick of a revolver
while you slept
like I was inside, spinning until
I began counting us down
and
wondering how many bullets you'd saved

I drank from
the shot glass of your palm
& you made me
come
you made coffee

we went from
south to ocean
mountain to whiskey
with hands full of
what it is we're calling this
& I have your dress
but
what kind of souvenir is worry ?

your hand in the car
I could put us both in my mouth
and still make room for you
your mood filling my lungs with
bleeding
with
ignoring tomorrow &
I ignored that with whiskey

& I am certain you don't know that it killed me
to kiss you goodbye again

let's hear this wind now
you from right there &
me from under you

where did all of this blue come from ?
& I can't stop standing around
maybe if I
jumped
I'd land on my hands
backward or behind you

time doesn't exist in a bedroom - & who's strange idea to keep track? I'm breathing down seconds that taste like the rim of your shoulders & my mind can't make up reasons why it can taste you; this sort of news to my mouth will run me over

and over

& i'm drinking out of the bottle
i'm swallowing what reminds me of the time you stood between me and a sink.
the only thing between our tongues were teeth & I am tired of screaming at these evenings to have you back here

I wish I could take a picture of the sound I've just heard, lying on a park bench to capture an evening for you.
an idea that I could be anything because I believed in that.
I'm beginning to think anything & belief don't go together.

believing in anything when I met you
& now i'm back in square one, without

*focusing on my breathing

Had I used half the wit I get from my mother, I wouldn't have crowned you with every ounce of my mouth or crawled, calling you the Queen in the kingdom under my covers

I'm doomed if I do
god dammed if I don't

cheers to the demons clinking my cup;
still ******* the one's who won't

don't plunge me

grown sick of the ocean

if mouths told the truth,
I would not live in this dungeon

okay, you plunged me, big deal

somehow you expect me to chew on those lips & somehow sit still ?

get real
you get real

cause I'm as real as it gets
I've got patience for days  
**but I am non-vacant for regret

I'm finished in this spitting divinity down thankless throats

suspending what love you chose to dose for me, hung over my hope

I'm feeding off trees in this jungle of uniform stillness; darling say something.

be not in-cautious with me
please
it is my plea
I cannot stop this loving you
but I can break myself free

it is at night that it bites me
memories like fleas
the battle against drinking my way under sheets to find peace

I waste myself on the outflank of love
I as in I to me
I cannot torture us anymore
I need to be loved without the bleed

love, the ultimate expense.

in reviewing my statement in the value of memory and regret. loss, lying and this incessant lying down. the torture of wonder of other of her, that & before. numbers couldn't explore this debt with any equation other than patience and those letters devour the tables of multiplication in the repetitive puddles I sat and sipped from, in desperate bowls.
my same mouth, changing shape, the geometry of lips, count my teeth, thighs against cheeks, finding sides, counting down heart beats. press rewind, press my split. divide belief and get the meaning of y I do this to myself. no, love is not free. it is the disease in which I've married & will spend my entire life in debt.