it is 12:02
I can hear the bell at the mission
it's holy alarm
beats of your syllables today
you, my midday meal
I'll likely starve
but you're feeding me numbers
less & less everyday
thinning 'till I binge on you

I've stopped seeing clearly
this lack of oxygen is absolutely thrilling
I'm just a crow in your intricate pinfold
however beautiful the build, careful
I am locked, without stretch
& somehow you are free to roam

I only ask to rest on your arm but you've been claimed by dogs, honey.
I'm not one to fly around heads either, i'd rather rest in your trees,
but trees don't grow in cages and I use to fly with my eyes closed before this.

as temporary as seconds
& constant like a calender
I've always hated math
I can't count on numbers the way I do letters
but I have smelled you on every numbered page
& I've been counting down these days like hail
waiting patiently on your storm

I curled up
fervently
on this California morning
in the gaps that built your back
you told me i'd been snoring

I wondered what you'd thought about
arrested in your sleep
you took my arm around your *******
& you said you'd dreamt of me

you're all I see
you're all I see
she thoughtfully repeats

I see you in my sleep my love
I see you where I breathe
& under trees, between my knees
I hear you when I speak
& from April until March
you're the leaves beneath my feet

silently
so silently
I squirmed in this defeat
I have this fear of always leaving
a deer who runs from anything
I can't be all you see I said
& open up your eyes
I don't trust periphery
and the heart it often lies

she held on even tighter
& choking on her fill

then I will love you while you let me
like this
for this
I will
I will

it's the longing that does it;
being deprived nightly
& over again
of your southern inhale
that skin
when did I begin this
masochistic, bloodthirstiness
born at 26
your picture in my right hand
like my ribs had tastebuds
& I needed to give my limbs to you  

and it's the longing that does it;
garden me darling
dig with bare hands
starved fingertips
my entire body
under every one of your nails

I've claimed and not climbed ladders
to say that I was high
but I can't blame my mind
and the sky
at the same **** time
"why" I've asked you
why;
do you exist in me this way ?
I lie here plummeting my palm
against the ache between my legs
you're far away
so far away
& far is where you'll stay
until the end of this debris
of all this
counting
d
o
w
n
the days

when she said my name -
I was forced to learn the difference
b e t w e e n pain & **ache

let me slip
into your skin
like sleep
like sheets
and fall asleep
between
the s p a c e s where
you breathe
& you dream
like this my arms feel long
my legs, a thousand miles
to wrap myself
around the shelf
of ribs that hold your while's
somebody, anybody
tell me how to
stop
wanting what I cannot have
instead of what I've got
this have, it feels like nothing
it all pales to what you pour
and everyday
I stay awake
wanting you
more
& more
& more

I woke up early
& went outside where the ducks were sleeping
I thought about seeing you
I did this all morning
the air was cold & wet
my shoes were off

I didn't have coffee today

a n d
*I really can't wait to see you