he comes and goes whenever he pleases and I let him,

he says all these beautiful words and then doesn’t reply for days and I let him,

he makes me feel like we really are going to be different this time and then acts as if I don’t exist and I let him,

How do I stop from him being a revolving door?

The toxic thing about me is that I search for the excitement and happiness he gave me in everyone else

And I get disappointed when I can’t find it.

I’m so indecisive until I miss my chance entirely.

I can’t make up my mind if I really want to be with someone until they’re already moving on.

I need help in healing, I need to understand, I need to take a leap of faith and just find out if something great comes of it.

I can’t keep wondering about what could happen and I can’t keep waiting around for something to happen.

I need to be in the now

And the now is where I shall be

Sometimes, I feel like I’m going to be okay. Like I’m going to be happy for the rest of my life.
I feel like everything is panning out the way it’s supposed to. I’m on the right track. I’m getting where I need to be.

Almost there. One day. Soon.

Then it’s like I get pulled underneath the tidal wave, sweeping me into the deepest spots of the darkness.

And I think, what’s the point?

I dream of going to a far away land, where no one knows me,
I can make new plans,
I can be who I want to be,
Do what I want to do,
I can feel like I can leave the troubles of my past behind me, like the ashes of a fire that burns much too brightly, as they dust away into nothing.
My mind is always going to that place, that time, that situation that makes my heart race.
A fresh start is what I desire, what I crave and what I want to chase after
The girl who stares back at me in the mirror, I don’t quite know who she is
With a tired sigh, I throw my hair up in a ponytail, grab my keys and go on with my routine, a far away land seems even further than it is, as I get in my car and drive to my daily job.

Maybe in another life time..

I watch the way he looks at her, and come to the conclusion that I want someone to look at me that way too.