Even though I go to "bed" at like 9:00
I never manage to fall asleep before 12:00
I'm always up watching Netflix
Or writing cheesey things about him in my head
Or telling my dog how good she is
And the occasional snack/ *** break

Most nights I take a pill
Then I'm still awake
An hour later
Which puts me in this situation
Where I have absolutely nothing to do
Except think
And of course smoke some tree

But mostly think

I think about where we go after we die
How the universe and the multiverse and the galaxies and how we can't possibly be the only intelligent life form in that whole vast thing.
About love and how it plays it's cards
How maybe humans become a wee bit too attached
To things that shouldn't matter
And how I simply didnt have morals for a while
And also how I feel my heart grow less black everytime I admit that
I think a lot about this kid
Who kept me in his life, treated me like a princess
Then lies and betrays and tells me he never cared about me in the first place
I also spend a lot of time about my family
How my dad is so wonderful and so dedicated to doing whats right and pushing past the hard times to make that light in the distance a little bit brighter.
I wonder if my sister cares about me, and if she'll ever let me live my own life. I question her all the time but I also look up to her and aspects of her life I wish I had. How if maybe she treats me like **** because she thinks tough love will scare me straight. How if maybe she treats me like **** because she is jealous of me for being everything she isn't.
Then my mom. My crazy, dramatic, self centered, emotion wrecking ball, disaster mom. How she's always been there to cradle me and hold me and understand me when I don't even understand myself. We get along so well even though I annoy her and she ****** the **** out of me. And we make each other laugh. And we love each other, mostly because we're both a little crazy.
And these thoughts haunt my cerebrum
And keep me from my beauty sleep.
In the end I pop another melatonin and smoke out until my eyes feel like the way my soul feels;

Tired.

I keep having the same dream lately
I mean I used to get nightmares about it all the time
But now it's just 1 dream
That haunts me when I try to run away,
Find peace,
In the vast meadow that is my mind.
This dream is the fire that burns the meadow dead.

It's me. On the road. Alone, and panicked.
I escaped, made it out, alive but not yet safe.
It's midnight and the streets are black
And I'm trying to figure out where I am
When I see him behind me.
So I start running,
And he starts running
And he's gaining on you
Come on Julia! Get out! Go! Run! He's right there ******* sprint!
And I'm telling myself this
I'm telling my brain
To tell my spine
To tell my legs
To tell me feet
To ******* sprint
But they can't.
I can't communicate with my muscles for some reason
And it feels like my feet are sticking to the pavement
So I can't run faster
And I'm just watching him get closer and closer
And every single time
I wake up shaking, sweating, crying.
Helplessly defeated
By my own subconscious
So every night
I'm still afraid of the dark.

We're all in a box
In the middle of the ocean
Filled with families and things to do
And we stay in this box, and live
And become accommodated
And build a relationship
With the box with all the people
And it becomes a routine

You can choose to leave the box
Choose to venture out
Meet locals of various boxes
Unique beings
Who can touch you by a different culture
Or you can choose to stay
And make the box your home
Sometimes there are people
Who move from box to box
Quite often
Never really finding a home

One day
A cute blonde with blue eyes and
A love of excitement
And a love for the idea of finding
Someone she actually loves
Was sent on an incredible adventure
Out of the box
Into the open ocean
A truly remarkable
Time to speand
To make the best of

At the same time
A boy from another box
Was sent on the same route
Away from small mindedness and into vastivity
And they met
And bonded
And told stories
And made their own.

The 2 became attached
And shared a love
Even after they returned from their adventures
And it never faded
Maybe forgotten, tucked away
But never gone
Always present

Today they still share a love,
A love so strong and so willing to sacrifice money time and energy, anything that could bring the 2 back together
So she can hold him again and rub her cheek and lips on his neck and feel his warmth around her when she gets lost in his embrace
She felt like the lucky one
For once
She felt so special and so happy
That she ignored the terrible things about the box
And just sat back and thought about his crooked smile and loose lips
And remembered that he was thinking about her too

He became her idea of home
From 3,200 miles away

You know what it feels like to be sad. But there’s a certain type of sad that not everyone has felt. And if you have, you’re not exactly the minority, but I feel for you. You feel terrible, you feel like you just found the edge of the world and you’re so very disappointed because you grew up being so sure that there’s so much to see in the world, but you found the end of it all. Mentally, it feels like someone decided to pound the inside of your skull with a maillot. Physically, it feels like you just got hit by a bus, but nobody cares so you’re just laying limp and pathetic in middle of the road not knowing what to do because you just got hit by a bus. Unable to respond to your nerves, you lay there, hoping for a sign of life. A sign that you’re still here and you’re bloods still pumping through your veins and your nerves are still working properly. I find myself in this specific type of sad quite often.. It eats away at your brain until you feel too stupid to care about anything. It tears away at your soul until you’re just a sad outer shell of a human with a dark, lightless pit inside you where your soul should be, but is no longer.  
So you’re laying in the road, unfeeling and unnoticed by society, you decide you don’t seem like you exist right now, so maybe you don’t. You’re trapped in the never-ending, always-frustrating maze of sadness. You need to get out, you need to find your way back into your life, back into everyone’s life and try harder to make an impact. So next time when a bus does hit you, they’ll notice. So you cut open the maze. And it feels so good to do it too, it feels like the weight of the world is flowing through that cut. Out of you and back into the world for someone else to bare. You cant explain it, and you know you’d sound crazy if you tried, but it feels so good to do something so outrageously stupid and unacceptable. But you think oh its okay because now they’ll notice! Now they’ll care and I wont have to cheat my way through a maze ever again! Hooray, right?
           No.                 Because you were wrong.                You need to find help.
You’re addicted to hurting yourself and you’ll just go on cheating your way through life instead of going on a fabulous journey and having the sweet reward of finding the end of the maze. So take my advice. No matter how hard it seems, every maze has an ending. You cant stay lost forever, and you should be able to make it to the end undamaged and strong knowing you didn’t have to cheat give in to pain.

"How do I love thee?
          ..."
I have a few,
But to be honest I'm surprised I have so few
For the amount I love you cannot be represented in number.

I love you and your free,
hippie-like spirit
And love for the fun of life
Your childlike joy for
Things I know,
I should appreciate more.

For the way you show me you care so much
Is exactly how
I see me in my picture perfect relationship,
Everything I need
To make me a happier, better person.

"Promise?"           "Always."

But that is how I know you
In the islands they call *natures little secrets,
Doing incredible things,
For 16 days,
While 15 strangers become a family.

Oh we were the lucky ones,
Those two likeable, teenagers with a childlike love
A truly lovely relationship
One you see in movies
Ones that make you go,
Awe and smile
But we're not there anymore.

And you're so far away from me
And the incredible-ness had
A time limit
And if I could have it everyday I would
No question,
No hesitation.

And I want you in my everyday life
My routine.
I want to kiss you goodnight,
Walk with you to get coffee,
Say Hi,
At random friend sightings
While walking,
With you.
And get ice cream with you
And go on dinner dates
And greet my dad with me when he gets home from work
And come with me to my sisters graduation
And feel the way I'd feel
If you asked me to prom.

I want to do weird things
And have you act like
My best friend
And I want you to calm me down
When me and my friends
Get in fights
And I want to feel the warmth of your arms
Wrapped around me
And the beat of your heart
And the sound of your breath
Even your ****** twitches,
Which happen mostly when you're tired,
As often as I want.
And deal with the rough patches of our lives
Together, side by side.

But I can't have that.

I went through hell
Then god gave me you...

          For 4 weeks,

                    Out of two years.
Then we're pulled back to our average lives
Spent with the same people
Following the same authority
Doing familiar things
Everyday.
Except you're doing those things
To the breeze of Puget Sound
And I'm doing them to the smell
Of the Atlantic Ocean,
The Bahstan Hawbah,
If you will.

And I miss you so much
And I get so jealous
Of the girls you hangout with
And I hate the fact that
When I'm going to school,
You're sleeping soundly.
You won't be awake
For another two hours.
And I want to text you and
Say I can't wait to see you
And that school will make me shoot myself
And I love you most
And ask how your day was
And that my mom got me that thing I showed you the other day
       ...
But I cant.

It makes me so sad.
You are everything
And I love you so much,
Love or whatever this fantastic feeling this is,
The most out of any amount I have ever felt.
And I want to have it forever.

How do I love thee? Let me tell you how...

I love every little thing about you, and I want to make more memories with you, and I know we will have many many more, because I know the love I have for thee is one to last for years.

I'm sorry*
I'm sorry you don't like me.
I'm sorry that I don't try hard enough.
I'm sorry I **** up a lot.
I'm sorry your childhood was so rough.

I'm sorry for whatever I did that made you hate me since the womb.
I'm sorry that mom would treat you that way, I just didn't know what to do.

I'm sorry I said he doesn't love you, that you life would go nowhere.
I'm sorry I ever put my hands on you, I never *ever should of went there.

I'm sorry if you're jealous of me,
I'm sorry I always disappoint you,
I'm sorry we have mixed opinions,
I'm sorry I get so angered by what you do.

I'm sorry that I'll always be lost,
I'm very happy you're finding yourself,
I'm so proud of you and how far you've come,
I'm sorry my job as a sister wasn't done well.