i always wonder

why me?
why was i born
lacking in the whole
loving myself area

why me?
why did i get hurt
time after time
why am i the weakest link

why me?
why do i need medications
and supplements
to get through each day

why me?
why do i love you
why do i feel the need to live for you
when no one else made me feel this
desperate for hope, and life

I smelled you the other day, in a brand of deodorant, (I guess the brand you wore)
I wonder if that's what happens when the wind blows across wrinkly skin at age 73
sitting on a front porch and wondering
"is this where I'm supposed to be?"

but I will not be asking that question
I will not be 73
I will not be wondering if I made the right decisions
because that's exactly what I'm doing right now-
I am being around the right people
I am doing things for me

hooks through my flesh, holding me up
so my feet can't touch the ground
and my stomach is ripped wide open,
guts spilling out.
Before you can look me in the eyes to say a pointless apology
my intestines turn to worms
and they crawl into my mouth
-I swallow them whole-
and it is in that moment you realize
how repulsive I have been all along

stop pretending
you can't fake a black veil that weighs down shoulders
and grips the heart
I'm sorry I don't know who I am anymore
but that shouldn't change who you are

somedays you just
need kind words
[even if they're not meant for you.]

drag your teeth across my lips and bite me

i just wanna get to know you(r dad)