and how i sat on the cement
in the freezing cold
in the pouring rain
with my ripped tights
and short black skirt
feeling like a ****
or something close
with my tongue wagging
and eyes filled with confusion
and fire
i didn't care that i would
probably wake up with a cold
and most definitely regret this
tomorrow
or that
at this point
i might as well have stripped naked
because it wasn't
doing me any good staying in drenched clothes
and my boots were soaked
as my eyes had been for days
and months
before you came
and you were staring at me
the way you always did
that ******* look UNDID me
for so long
****** everything that i had planned
to feel
not to feel
to the point where i could
redo that face
myself
to myself
in the mirror
analyzed you to a T
you who thought you had me figured
out head to toe
i know you better than you know yourself
take that ******* elsewhere baby because
i've had enough of it
what i thought
what i said went something along the lines of
cue: blush
cue: eye flutter
i know you do
you always have
cue: shy smile
yet i still sat on that moldy ******* concrete
with goosebumps on parts of my body
i didn't even know i had
bones drenched
soaking w e t
and ******* for another 4 months.

I have decided I am mad at you.
And it does not even matter.
I do not even care.
Your words have repulsed me like raw onions.
No take backs.
Druken fools.
Druken tools.
Which ones are we?

kiss me like the plague
hands of the sea
fingers an armada

kiss me with your barb wire lips
your lipstick's like a curse
crooked teeth and gapped
your smile like a hearse

kiss me with pink scars on your drop dead skin
(lead me to your slaughter)
thighs spun into spider silk
(I’ll be your sacrificial lamb)
1 pint water
3 drops mother’s milk

i want your hands,
in mine.

i want your curls,
wrapped around my fingers.

i want your eyes,
looking at me.

i want your lips,
against mine.

i want your lungs,
                                 * to inhale me as i become the smoke,
                                                   that fogs up the mirror of your mind,
                                                                   and sinks into the deepest crevices.

*i want you.

I loved him
when his words reflected a shadow, he was nothing more
than a cloud separating Earth from the moon

told me that no one’s heart  has ever been too big for
their head
but he never held me up to the light

(and he broke mine).

This morning
I remembered I am just small pieces of my mother’s body
yet I fear falling asleep beside her
in case she knows
that I want to **** myself, cells that came from her.

It is selfish, now I wish I could be
as opaque as him.

I wondered if it is okay to break your mother’s heart in
some ways, though not others
and remembered that he wanted to paste
another girl’s hair onto me so that I would be happy.

Up against fog
I wondered if it is better to be the moon
or to imitate the sun.