It’s hard.
You know, it’s hard.
It’s hard to leave the house
not knowing who you are.
It’s hard sitting here
trying to write a poem
better than my last -
What words sound good?
It’s hard getting up
in the morning
to waste my life away
at a desk.
It’s hard to make decisions
without knowing the
consequences.
It’s hard to quit smoking cigarettes
when you don’t necessarily care
that they are slowly killing you.
It’s hard to go to school
so you can make a ton of money
just to wind up in a **** ton
of debt.
It’s hard to deal with heartbreak
especially when it’s happened
dozens of times.


“It’s going to get easier.”
I tell that to people
that are having a rough time doing
whatever in the hell
they complain about.
I should listen to my own
advice.
But it’s hard.

Want to know what’s easy?
Love.
It’s easy to love a movie.
It’s easy to love a dog.
It’s easy to love another person.
Love is easy.
we need more love.
Less bills,
less complaining,
less drama,
less self doubt,
and insecurities.

Oh was Paul McCartney
so right when he said,

“All you need is love.”

I skipped a rock
on a lake.
It skipped six times.
I was estatic.

Six. *******. Times.

How simple life was
during childhood.
The joy you could get
by throwing a rock.

The fun of finding that
“perfect” one.

The one that was round,
completely flat.
You knew it was the right one.
It was gonna give you that
sixth skip
you’ve been waiting for.
And when you got it.
It was like nothing could break you.

Now,
I’ve grown up.
Skipping rocks is for children.
Bills and occupation are for men.
Getting up early,
drowning myself in coffee.
Making millions of ******* dollars,
for someone else.

Seems pretty redundant,
unsatisfying.

Yeah, we all look forward to pay day.

Today is different,
I’m looking forward
to getting that seventh skip.

Don’t let anything
but gravity
hold you down.

The world is you’re oyster;
be the ******’ pearl.

Life isn’t going to give you lemons.
You have to wake up,
throw on your over-alls
and pick them yourself.

Just.
*******.
Love.
Yourself.

My cigarette seems
to be lasting forever.
Or maybe, it’s my ninth
******* one.
Honestly,
I don’t even ******* know
anymore.

All I know
is that you said you loved me
and didn’t ******* mean it.
You said you loved me
and went on to ‘love’
someone else.
So **** quickly too.

I sit here day and night.
My eyes bloodshot from staring
at a computer screen
because everything else
in this hell hole of a room
reminds me of you.

The dreamcatcher you painted on my wall.
It’s still there.
I ******* hate it,
but can’t seem to paint over it.

I found a pair of your
******* socks
under the couch.
You’re everywhere and
I ******* hate it.

You ruined me,
and you show no remorse.
You killed me,
and got away with ******.

I gave my all
for nothing in return.

Best part is knowing now,
that you’re miserable.

And as miserable as I
may seem.
I’m content.
I’m relaxed.
And as hard as it may be
to say,
I’m happier now.
What I hate about it,
is that you made me this way.

I have a picture in
my wallet.
Sometimes it makes me
smile and
sometimes it makes me cry.

You were only 5
holding you’re infant brother.
You looked so ******’
happy.

Now, you’re infant brother
is in his 20’s
drinking his pain away.
Trying to do the
impossible.
Trying to stick around
and push through the *******
which is life.

I find myself thinking about it.
Thinking how easy it could be.
To do what you did,
To leave this world on my own terms.

But after you left,
the vacancy signs
above that white gate
illuminated their no’s.

It’s not my time.
I keep telling myself that.
I need to stick around for Mom.
She’s so lost.
So’s Dad, yet he wouldn’t admit it.

My life would be so much different
with you in it.
I could just imagine the trouble we
would get into.
The crazy things we would do,
and the amazing lessons
you would have taught me.

Remember that time
You were playing catch with
a football?
You weren’t paying attention
where you were running
and ran right into a car.
Your knee was so ******
and when I asked you if you were okay,
all you had to say was
“*******, Jake.”
What I would do to hear that again.

But you’re gone now,
the world ***** now,
I’m all alone now,
Tears roll down my face
so frequently now.

I’m waiting for the No’s
on those illuminated Vacancy signs
to dim.
So I can follow you
See you once again.
Hug you like I never did.

I miss you,
I love you.
One day, big brother,
One day.

There is a chip in
The paint
On my wall.

The more I stare,
Paint falls off.

Right now,
Though,
All I can do is stare
At the chip
In the paint
On my wall.

My depression
Is corrupting this wall.
Because the more I stare
The more the paint
Continues to fall.

I'm sorry paint,
I'm sorry wall.

But, now you feel as I do.

You see,
My paint was chipping, too

I figured she would fix it.
But she stripped me of my
Color
And my uniqueness, too.

I'm sorry paint,
I'm sorry wall.

I guess some of us
Don't deserve
Color at all.

Remember that time we took
a really long drive at night?

We ended up at the river,
some how.
We walked down to the water
and sat down.
We talked about the stars,
the universe,
and what it all meant.

We discussed aliens
and decided they were real.
We argued about what they would
look like.
You thought they would
have the little green bodies
and huge black eyes.
I thought they would look like us.

We smoked cigarettes all night
while we shamed people about
their bad habits.

I remember you put your feet in the
cold, dark water
and screamed.

You hated the cold.
You took my hoodie
and I shivered.

Do you remember that time?
Do you still think about it?

I do because that’s when you
loved me.
That was when nothing came between us.
Before the arguments,
the screaming,
the cheating,
the sitting in the same room
and not talking.

Before we would point out each other’s
flaws.
And tell each other what annoyed us about
each other.
Before the love just
disappeared.
Before my heart broke turned into
a frag grenade and exploded.

I swept those fragments of my heart up
and sprinkled them in the river
where we once loved each other.
I lost my heart in that river.
But that’s where I had felt it
last.