I don’t know if I can take it
Someone else leaving
Not so soon
I know this is a sorry excuse for a poem
And certainly no fine speech
I guess it’s just me begging
On my knees
On my face
Groveling in the dirt-
Where I seem to belong-
Pitiful, not to you
But maybe to whatever creature hears my course crying in the creaking wake of dawn...
To you I say:
This is my begging
Hear it well
My heart cannot take another sword-
I have only just bandaged from the first

i love being Alive.

i never thought I’d say that

But here I am

If life is a journey

I want to climb every single rock

And swim every single river

Just as long as I can be

Alive.

I never thought I’d want this

But here I am

To live, indeed, is a whirlwind

But it’s one I want to dance with

I lost
The feeling.
Alive.
Desire doesn’t wander my streets
Or slide its hands down my thighs
Alive.
I lost the feeling
**** it I’ve lost the feeling-
Did Love play a game of hide and **** with Betrayal-
they both died off without a farewell monologue i suppose...
I lost
The feeling.
Alive
Has become a trickster.
It’s beautiful beautiful face so terribly corrupted-
By all that Kills-
Alas!
Alive
Hiding its (Will)
Forever an inch away from me
In the dark -
Sometimes-
It dances above my head
Just to tease me...

I’ve lost the feeling
I’ve lost the will to stay alive

i dream of you
that's all i do
i see your smile in every star
i find your name in every song
i hear your voice in every whisper
i feel your hands in every tight knit t-shirt
that's all i do
i dream of you
i walk with you
i talk with you
i live with you
i breathe with you
but i only dream of you
that's all i do
a    l     l         i         d     o
All i do
is not
what i want to do
i don't want to dream
i want to live
with you

When you need to he(a)r
"I love you"
All I want to do is tell you.       (again. and. again.)

I will kiss the words back into you
A(l)ong every scar on your body
Till you understand my love through and through

I will speak it every day,
When you're crying or in pain
I'll take your hand and those three (w)ords-
I will again say

I will write it on paper,
p(a)rchment, napkins, and sticky notes.
All throughout your world-
Just so-
you get reminders that:
                                                  I Love You

and maybe

if i'm luck(y)

and i play my cards right

i'll keep seeing your (s)pecial sort of smile-
every once.
                        in a while.

i warned myself against love
i put up every blockade i could think of
still i fell
i knew you'd leave
i said you would
still i hoped
i was sure you would lie
positive till the plunge:    that you'd never catch me
still i trusted
and i jumped
and i fell
                  in love

but you didn't catch me

The softened feeling of chapstick against a cheek
Where pressed her mouth to brush me quickly in surprise
The slightly dampened paste stuck against my face
A stamp I never want erased
I’d treasure it like an angels touch as
It is an Angel
My angel kissing me
Leaving a piece of herself to seep into my lips and to redden my cheeks  
Leaving me floating in the wake
Of her ethereal bliss
Longing
For her simplest touch
Once again

I think people are
Always
In Love
Perhaps
It’s that we
Don’t notice till we meet
The chosen Few
That we understand
Love
Is right in front of us.

A soul shall
Always
Call out for it’s
Match
The heart simply
Shuts it out
Till
The chosen Few
March into the
Path
We’ve chosen to take

Winding along time’s river
We wander amongst the fallen leaves
Waiting
Watching
Hoping
Never knowing if
Love
Should be just around the corner ...

sometimes
I think I might have found something
But then
Everything turns away once it gets your heart
Or your body for it’s pleasure
Which is worse?
I’m not sure I know.
Anymore.

Has it set in yet?

The apathy

Once Drowning in these painful experiences.

Cringing at the bloodied bodies of heartless ventures dying  
Crying when your mother screams your name
Cracking beneath the pressure
...
Has your job finally overwhelmed your mortal reactions
Has your soul finally given way
Do you even hear the noises -

Or only the silence Now.

The apathy

Has it set in yet?

I like this comfort in my body
The feeling of kindness
Soaking my bones
If only my flesh could be the net for the sea of swirling emotions
If only my mom could see me without my pain
If only my father would look at me without a ghost in his words
All the same,
I like the way you feel
I like the sweetness in your eyes
Being wanted is foreign
A friend waving across the hallway-
After years of lost contact-

Still
I like the goodness that exudes from your smile and the way you warm me right down to my stony heart
(Is that the sound of beating I hear?)
Once again
I will try to love.

I am too indulgent
Too much
Too self pitying
And
Prone to mood swings
Stubborn to the point of blindness
I am likely to be a substance abuser
And a lover without any tact

I believe poetry
Can make anyone blind
To their own deep pain
It can romanticize
Even a self loathing *******
As myself
Even if
It should not

Artists are cursed
Artists are cursed to wallow in their own sadness
They enable the darkness inside themselves
we are afraid of permanent happiness
For is not the best art made by the broken

Asleep in my arms
Soft as you breathe
Comfort in your presence
My world is at ease

I cannot but smile
I haven’t been this ...
                   at peace
For quite some time

At last I have found
Someone to treasure
To have and to hold
From this day - forever

I can feel it in my pores
The smoke soaks couch cushions
And all of my favorite flannels you borrowed
avoiding the smell on your shirt
A wave of vapor and burning Mary Jane

My pen
My blunt
My **** smokes

Your hands
All over my ****
I’d buy you anything you asked
Just keeping you
In my life

Your eyes red
Your lipgloss on the blunt
Your lighter
Your tobacco stained smile
You’re pretty when you’re ******
You like my flower
And I like you

The deal of a lifetime

fatal attraction and ethereal attachment
there's too many changes-
in you and me-
we have been pushed together like magnets
but
perhaps our energy is one that repels
And we have been forcing ourselves together
In opposition to the healthy charges of our attractions
perhaps we are not a positive charge
but two negatives

I wonder at the movement of your mouth
The open shape and muffled sounds you make
They keep my body fighting against my logic-
Coming
Back for more
All the time
Back for more

He likes to write poems
I think his greatest secret is
He wants poems written in his honor
To be forever preserved in sacred pages of letter and ink
He loves to write poetry
But his poems can not capture
His own beauty
Ink covered fingers or t-shirts with coffee stains
He smells like beach waves and vanilla pine
The way his hair falls in his face
And the pretty boy eyes he hides behind bluelight glasses
He likes to make the moon his muse
He would marry the sound of his own voice-
Projecting his spoken word or monologue across a crowded nighttime space
Nobody knows
This sweet barista boy
Has broken every heart
That every loved him

Cute barista boys are not to be trusted
But they sure as hell will give your heart all the butterflies of springtime gardens
And he will treat you like God
Before tossing you aside

Beloved lover
Beloved daughter
Beloved

Without anything

Without being
Anything

I don’t believe in innocence
It has forsaken me
Why would I depend on innocence to protect or bestow anything?

Without being anything
I would be what I am now

But I am not Beloved.

It's now going on three weeks
i think
i don't know

everythingseemstoblurtogether

since you've been gone

to be perfect- without fail
and flawless- without fault

so the "shaping" starts

to be under pressure
and
bent backwards by error

squeezed in a box

by the creation
of
your own two hands

cut up and bound

as we shave off our skin
to fit the box
we are told, we belong in

but humans don't fit in boxes

so all that remains
of the shaved up human
(trying desperately to fit in a box)

is nothing- but blood and flesh
is all things- but whole

Breaking her into pieces
Wondering how it happened
Knowing in my head -
I ignored all the signs.

Killing my brain with substances
She supplied more
Killing my time
She was the glass I poured from

Breaking her into pieces
Cremating the bones of our relationship
Knowing in my heart-
She cared far more than I could manage.

I am now standing here
Solitary.
Breaking her

All over the floor.

"takes your breath away"

is a figure of speech

for.

when.

something is.....         beautiful

but i'm not sure.........               it's so good this time

Why do things always burn to bits in my hands ?
Why is there only ash left ...
What is it that drives me to burn so fiercely-
And how do I not feel the fire searing my own body-
When it seems to consume everyone who walks closer to me ...
It seems the burning can have no friends but ash and the scent of roasting flesh and boiling blood.
I burn alone.
And it seems I am burning alive.

How can I explain
Even after a year of those brilliant kisses
I still stutter on ever one
I’m sorry I was so stupid
Sitting there like a fool
I struggle to speak
To tell you
You are all I want
I love your kisses
But god how they create such warmth
It makes my mind get fuzzy
And my mouth tingle
My body is melting ice
My tongue is totally twisted
You make me
Such an idiot

Do it again please

I've been told to shut my mouth one too many times
I'm done being silent.
You didn't listen when I whispered
You had the chance to hear me talk
Now you Will hear me Scream

I did not wonder at the sound of the Earth beneath my feet
I did not tremble with the ground when it’s plates begin to shake
The Earth is a creature of power
And humankind has stood too long in denial of her hardship
I had forgotten her
Even as she screams out -
Her earthquakes and violent upheaval-
Her sorrow goes unheard
mourning the loss of her sacred places
She cries out once again
And the universe around us howls with Her
Yet, I have ignored her
This secret mother of all life
Her one desire has gone without notice
We live like we’ll always be here.
Perhaps, we should worry more-
The Earth shall not stop her tears
And when she melts
So shall we

Oh children born into fear
Take care of your Earth
Or you shall be right to Fear Her Violence
Oh child of fear
You are inside me today
But I fear it is too late
All the yesterdays of youth have washed away
I am left with only my island
And a growing gnawing in my brain that-
I too shall be shallowed with the screaming Earth

Children should not have to fear
They will not see their Earth Whole
Because of us.

i close my eyes
     near daytime's end
my soul again
    tries to mend
i open my eyes
     for i cannot sleep
and peace, my soul
   can-not keep
i wish i could try
    but my energy's run
i'm all overcome
   and all undone
i close my eyes
    near daytime's en'
i just want to try
    to feel a-gain

Watching people
Wandering
Wondering if
I too
Could join the throng
The feelings
Crystallized ice in the ******* air
Frosty stones in souls
And stoners
Crossing (faded) between them
The feelings
The atmosphere filled to the brim
Overflowing out across
Water turned frozen
Slick across black cement
You can taste the tension
Cold feelings
Words become snowflakes
Watching people
They all wonder
When
When
When

They are me.
Every one.
The feelings ebb and flow-
The people here-
figments of Time’s art school phase-
Time’s own distorted puppets and pupils alike...
They are me.
Everyone.

i'm afraid
Afraid, that when you leave me
You will discover
you don't want me
i'm terrified
Terrified, i am not enough
Because you left
and i don't know anymore...

i just don't know...

if you're ever coming back

If I was a corpse
Do you think you would see me differently
Would my cold eyes suddenly become a more haunting shade of blue?
Would my misery and pain be more apparent
Or would it disappear in the fondness of nostalgia ?
If I was a corpse
I think I could get you
Just where I want you
Maybe you could love me
If I was cold and dead
Even if
It’s only memories

I am a creature
Soulless and bodiless
I flounder in open water -
Forgetting how to swim-
The waves take me under...

Alone in the ebbing tide
The body washes up
And with it
All my raw insecurity -
Unfinished thoughts and discomfort I kept inside-
Disintegrated

forever.

I am no longer a creature
Only words with an expiration date  
And secondhand memories
I find the stars more silky on my skin -
Than the dark cold water dragging me in-
Still sometimes ...

I awake to cough up a fish or two
Water soaking the Earth
Lungs expand
Slipping inside a hollow chest -
Remembering once again the distinct feeling-
Drowning.

forever.

i am a creature
but I have a soul (i think) -
and a body too-
even if it is to my deepest and sincerest regret...

When you wander off the map
Running motor and music
Sitting still in the parking lot
But the whole vehicle is buzzing
(And I’m buzzed too)
You’re a little ******
He’s at the wheel
Creature habits and-
Creatures of habit-
Wander around lakesides
Scream out the window
Yell at the moon because your mom is cruel
Worship the woman in your favorite childhood magazine
Pin up the pictures
Pray you might become her
(Or **** her)
Creature of habit-
Creatures and their habits-
He whistled at us across the road
Cars are honking
I look like a ******* teen boy
But you look gorgeous
It’s definitely you
But I still shout and yell for your honor
(like it’s my own at stake)
You shouldn’t have to hide beauty like that
Because of a man and his ******* car
I wish I could weave fabric between the world and your sad eyes
Maybe a veil would add some shimmer to the dullness you see
Maybe you could fall in love
Wearing a knockoff version of rose colored glasses
Creatures and their habits-
Creature habits.

Dating a person is like
Finding out
Life is not what you thought-
Learning about complexities of human spirit
Waltzing amongst desert scorpions
Diving for rocks on reef’s bottom
Kissing a person is like
Tasting every color
Holding gold-
Hidden under silver
Uncovering beauty where sadness lies
Crying in the rain
Midnight messages after dreams
Loving a person is like
Flirting with addiction,
Smoke and gunpowder in lungs,
Knowing you ll never want anything else
But probably should end it all
If only to keep them safe.
Staying silent with the love of your life is like
Seeing stars when they’re around
But fading to shadow when they look away ....
I’m not saying it’s like this all the time -
Only when existence is a strain in my bones
and its foot is against my broken back

We are those who must decide what our life is worth

Whether the finale of our story
is a cliff-side car crash
or
the drawn-out drive's final destination

I am discovering

Brushing off love’s dust
Re-examining my roughened shell

I never knew love could feel safe
But there it is
Etched into my lover’s pottery

I never knew love could be pretty and kind
But there she is
Cleaning off my husk of a heart and glowing as she smiles

I don’t even think-
She knows-
Just what she’s done.
But there it is
My brightened clay  

No longer feeling dusty
No longer feeling fragile

She makes me feel beautiful
But I know
She will not let me break

so this is how it feels when love is truly returned...

Do nothing
Just staring at the walls
I know I’m supposed to say
I do it because I’m sad
Or I don’t like the way I feel
But really
To do nothing is my greatest pleasure
Putting on a record
Dancing alone
Doodling ******* that never gets finished
Books untouched staring at me
Homework and responsibilities ignored
Doing nothing
Perhaps in sitting alone
I find no expectations
(And no regrets)
Perhaps when I have nothing to do
I have carved my own corner of the universe-
One, I alone determine

I had a dream
It was the muddy kind
Where everything is dull
And all your movements are slow-
But your perception is not-

Which only makes it more painful

Because when they set up the punchline
You see it coming
But can’t do anything

About the upcoming punch

And the most horrid-
Scattered parts-
Seem to linger on you
For the longest of time

Luckily, I got out-
Awakened from my dreams-
To avoid seeing my own death

I’m awake now
I think.

Drinking without feeling very much
is like
sleeping when your bones ache with tiredness
but finding no peace upon awaking
I guess its more like
insomnia
Except
   everything gets a litttlllleeee
blurry...

I don’t think you know
How much I care
And I wish
I could explain
But I just don’t have the words
When I drive from you
All I can think is
I want her again
In my arms
And her hand in mine
So all I want to do
Is drive right back to you

I can feel my body giving out-
I can’t stand still you see-
It’s the involuntary spasms
amusing themselves with me
My heart rate is a mile a minute
Shaky hands when I paint
Jumpy nerves when I drive

My mind moves calmly through time
Without feeling real at all...

For such an anxious body
My mind is so empty

he said to me:

your eyes,
blue and wide
curious and colored
sparkling with-
is that-         a bit of madness?

don't stare at me
you scare me
your bright sapphire eyes
and
dark raven pupils
tell them to stop peering into my soul            
i have secrets i wish to keep...

so he said to me.

Failing is relative to most of the world
But right now
It feels pretty **** specific to me

my parents always told me
"purity is your only defense"
but
i'm not pure
anymore
and
i kinda like the way it feels
in her hands
this IS how to was supposed to be

Love
is not a sin

“Family”
Vacation

Road
Trippin’

I wish I was tripping
I left my ****
It’s been an hour
And I’m regretting that decision

“Family”
Vacation

Good
Times

Filled with
Screaming Yelling Argument
And of course
Judgement

Yes indeed
These are the good times
For us as a “family”
Times that
Of course
We will all remember “forever”
Because “Family” is “forever”

and inevitably
If I do remember it forever-
So will my future psych ward nurse

i was told
in prime of youth
fear need only be feared
in the presence of two:
Pain
         and
                 Death
As I grow
I've come to know
Pain
        is temporary
and Death
                   is only a friend
                  come to take me home

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHEN YOU'RE ON FIRE
I CAN PUT IT OUT

Thoughts are fireflies
Burning in the darkness
Glowing most in our silence
We try to catch them
But there are always more
Thoughts are fireflies
They brighten children’s eyes
Bouncing about
in the captive jar of their minds
Thoughts are fireflies
Buzzing all night,
till we drift
At last
To sleep

I am on fire
Well
My brain is at least
It hurts to think some days
Well
It’s often all of them
It’s burning me up
I feel feverish with it
Like some unholy ghost coming from furnace
twice burned:
Body and soul
It isn’t always bad
Sometimes it makes me wild and alive-
Unstoppable
Well
Except for the headaches and crash at the end

The truth is
I like being on fire
Even though it hurts
I just don’t like stepping out of the flames,
Realizing,
I have been burnt raw and ******

I feel like I’m ******* drowning again
All over again
Drowning in myself
Drowning in the lack of him
Drowning in the immense space between us
I took so many hits last night I shook and spasmed for two hours before I could sleep
But at least I wasn’t thinking about him
It’s okay
I’m not drowning
I’m okay
I’m not drowning
I’m not drowning
I’m not drowning
I’m not
Drowning
Drowning
Drowning
Drowning