When you wander off the map
Running motor and music
Sitting still in the parking lot
But the whole vehicle is buzzing
(And I’m buzzed too)
You’re a little ******
He’s at the wheel
Creature habits and-
Creatures of habit-
Wander around lakesides
Scream out the window
Yell at the moon because your mom is cruel
Worship the woman in your favorite childhood magazine
Pin up the pictures
Pray you might become her
(Or **** her)
Creature of habit-
Creatures and their habits-
He whistled at us across the road
Cars are honking
I look like a ******* teen boy
But you look gorgeous
It’s definitely you
But I still shout and yell for your honor
(like it’s my own at stake)
You shouldn’t have to hide beauty like that
Because of a man and his ******* car
I wish I could weave fabric between the world and your sad eyes
Maybe a veil would add some shimmer to the dullness you see
Maybe you could fall in love
Wearing a knockoff version of rose colored glasses
Creatures and their habits-
Creature habits.

I found a love eternal
Without realizing it
He captured my heart in a glass jar
Adding to his collection of wild light and color
Shining wings still flutter when the sunlight hits
But it is not the same
No captured beauty is truly wild or whole
The terror of loss is the truth that makes all things beautiful
Life is fleeting
And so was he
My butterfly heart is still on his shelf
Just adjusted to be less visible by others
Maybe he’ll forget
But when he does a deep clean
There I’ll be
Maybe the blue butterfly heart be dead at that point
But it’s still going to be his

Perhaps I am being forced to come to terms with the loss of a lover and the endurance of love long after

I think I shall truly love him forever
I will never have a love like his again

But perhaps
If I’m lucky
I shall find one different
More wild more beautiful
And even if it’s fleeting
I shall treasure the touch of insect legs ( and it’s precious gift of a heart) on my fingers-
without a cage or a license of ownership-
I can love him and love others
Sameness is not the goal
Evolution is.
Love is eternal
Even if the Lover is not.

Beloved lover
Beloved daughter
Beloved

Without anything

Without being
Anything

I don’t believe in innocence
It has forsaken me
Why would I depend on innocence to protect or bestow anything?

Without being anything
I would be what I am now

But I am not Beloved.

I can feel it in my pores
The smoke soaks couch cushions
And all of my favorite flannels you borrowed
avoiding the smell on your shirt
A wave of vapor and burning Mary Jane

My pen
My blunt
My **** smokes

Your hands
All over my ****
I’d buy you anything you asked
Just keeping you
In my life

Your eyes red
Your lipgloss on the blunt
Your lighter
Your tobacco stained smile
You’re pretty when you’re ******
You like my flower
And I like you

The deal of a lifetime

Lights lifting the room
Swirling color is a path running fingers on my walls

I have a thrifted children’s toy
It blinks and blinds
It dances across the internal sky of my childhood bedroom
Moon and stars
Blue then purple then red again

I have a secondhand children’s night light
I wonder if the colors are as kind to them as me..
Perhaps, I too,
Am a child

Can you sing when all the sounds in your head are gone?
I can’t quite catch it
The tune
The melody
The harmony
Dissonance is all I can accomplish
Squeaky or slightly disjunct
Raspy but slightly off key
I have tried so many ******* times to change the key or adjust my own harmonics
But it doesn’t ever fit just right
And I’m not good enough to fix it
So I’ll sing out of tune
And out of turn
Because it won’t get any better
And I haven’t got the time to worry
About the way I scream the sound
Of my favorite song

It’s okay to forget the melody
As long as my memory holds the lyrics

That’s what music means anyway
It’s about the words...

It’s time to let go,
To let my body drift away
Maybe I’ll wash up on some abandoned shore
Or an oil covered river along the wretched edges of Venice
It’s time to watch it all
Slip away...

Perhaps,
I should stop saving the things only I can save
Perhaps,
It is time to take what is given to me and bite my tongue
Perhaps, I should not scream and thrash against the howling tide-
Desperately seeking a perfect resolution where everything is fixed and I am with you once again...

One last time,
I will breathe deep
And sink under
To wash myself clean
And wake up *****-
Alone in the dark and the damp and the cold
One last time....

It’s time to let go,
Today I will watch the opportunity to fix it
And I will let it slip away.

If I alone am burdened to fix it-
Was it even true love in the first place?