It’s about time I talked
About it all
So here it is

I only remember buzzing
and fuzzy shots
of blurry people with even more blurry conversations
I remember the walls and holes in the ground
They had tried to seal them up
The tar black was reopened
Wounded floors
Wounded people
Walls with punctures like knives
White and cold
Blue fragile and cheap blankets
thin Pale sheets
White is the easiest to bleach I suppose
I don’t know what happened
I still want to die
I just won’t try anything
My father asked me
What do you hope for
And I had no words
The only thing I hope for
Beyond a dream
The only desire
Is death
How do you tell the man who has watched you grow from infancy to adulthood that his pain was all for nothing
You are long g on e
Forever drifting
Hope is only a good friend for the pure hearted
I am evil
And I can only hope I will die and my future evil should be dissipated forever

Intoxication and blatant lies
I pretend you’re telling the truth
You pretend I’m sober enough to ****.
I haven’t been stone cold sober since mid-May
But I sure as hell
‘Been ****** as ****.

Sweet *** with the first ******* set I’ve ever owned
You paid for it
I ****** you in it.
Sensual tongue and your desire
For yourself.  
No one else
I have honored your body-
Worshipped-
At the foot of my bed
-and through the white light of phone conversation-
But you never gave enough *****
To call me pretty

There is softness left in my body for him
There is compassion and empathy worming it’s way through my neurotransmitters
But I never know if he is finished destroying me
I’m not sure if I’ll ever know for sure
If he ever tried to love me though-
I would lose my sight to keep him close

Softness leads directly to my blindness
But only about You.

I wonder how
One may convert religions
If I could open my soul anew
It would be in honor of her body
If I could recommit myself to a church
It would be only to their touch
I grew up under God’s gaze
Now I will melt under yours alone
I wonder how
One can love a body
And not worship the creature beneath it
She is my temple-

I wonder how
One may convert religions
So I may Adore All Their Pieces
At the edge of her thighs
And the satin space between her hips
There is my desire
And my rush of purity
To be made new
In the act of loving
A person so divine

I wonder at your smile
I wonder at the way
You seem to balance
So many lives
At once
I am overwhelmed
But you feel like the most beautiful awakening
I am breaking surface
Of the Icy Lake
I am freezing
But I am alive
You and Yours
Have pulled me up and into
A new obsession
Once again

Out of the cold, idle water
Into the shivering landscape-
Propelled forward by constant movement
Nothing is made stagnant by the iced waters
But ice sure does move on land
So I slide under and in
Once again

I wonder when
I will be able to write
Happy poems
About her
She deserves all the happiness I can give
But I dont know how to give-
Outside my body-
Anymore.
I wonder when
I will cease writing
Sad poems
About her
She deserves every beautiful memory framed in gold
And all the stories sewn up
Into perfect happy endings

Someone will give them the world on a silver platter.
It’s just not me.

Nail salons and marijuana
living inside a song
Lorde and pop culture have stolen all my good memories
And turned them into melody

I’m not longer original
even in my own warped traditions