I’ve given up
All those pretty packaged dreams
A future
A lover
Hope
All are lost to my dissipated and medicated desire

All I want now
Is to be high
Higher than I’ve been before
Dancing alone
At 3am
On a Tuesday night
No party in sight
Only lights on
are in my head
And the blinding white
of my phone screen and anime

Lonely highs
Are truly a new low

The other thing
The other thing people should know Is that
I am not emotional -
Emotionally available
Emotionally stable
Emotionally aware-
Emotional.
****.
I’m ******* emotional again.
All the time
And I can turn it off
But it comes back
And that Is the other thing
You see
The other thing
Led me to the psychiatric ward of an LA hospital

I have always liked my eyes
Why now
Are they so hollow
They used to be a brilliant blue
Now they are equally red
And the veins Seem to be
on
The
Edge
Of bursting
the purple under my eyes...
You could not compete
no leftover bruise or dying man
Has the purple and red eyes
Of a suicidal individual

I know you’re the one
I’m not always happy about it
But I know it’s true
There is no one but you
To make me feel this way
Or stand beside me
when everything turns to blood
I know you’re the one
Because when I die
I want my bones wrapped up besides you
we can lay together for eternity
All others
Disappearing and decaying
Till only the souls are left
Intertwined forever
I know you’re the one
You hold me and kiss me in ways
No one could ever hope
To compete with
All at once
I am safe and so complete-
Lost in your eyes of ocean waves and the deep sea at night

I know you’re the one

There’s no great metaphor or language for it
There is only
the deep understanding
The secret tongue
written on my innermost body
All of it
Screaming out
Crying out
Laughing and weeping
Hysterical
Over keeping you

I know you’re the one
Even when I don’t want you to be

Especially
When I don’t want you to be.

I hate the things
I let you do to me
I hate the way
My body boils
For your pleasure
I hate the way
I love to burn myself
Alive
For the sound of your laughter
I hate the way
You only love me
When no one watches
And I hate the way
I am nothing
But so desperately want to be something
That I let you
Step all over my heart

I hate the way I am so ******* broken
Over and over

I can’t pretend
I’m not totally
Infatuated
With someone who
Never sees
Me
Or anyone
But himself
And
I can’t pretend
This boy isn’t the love of my life
Because
He will never
Leave the insides of my skull
He is embedded in my bone
I wear his memories like a coat
Sometimes warm sometimes heavy
I would love him
Till I pass beyond the veil of night and death
He would be the kindness of the dark
And the handsome mouth
That kisses me to sleep

At my last breath

I can pretend
I hate every second I see you
Or that
I don’t cry every moment I’m apart from you

But I Can’t pretend
I don’t love every inch of you

Just as you are

It seems to switch
I feel so happy
Then I can’t breathe
My head’s all cloudy
Covered in stars and thorns
I walk above the earth
Then down into the pit
My brain is full of melodies
Singing songs of death
Arbitrary love story
With a sickness at the end
Turning all else sour
In the light of its decay  
Even the memories
Seem to fade away
Leaving only-
The swinging set of my emotions
Covering me in crimson
And destroying the stability
I had established

After many months of normal
I am back to being desperate