there is one benefit of crawling out of the darkest depth of ones personal hell. Surface level seems pretty ******* awesome.

I wish it were simple enough that I could cry
And stamp my feet at it,
let my eyes catch fire and my chest implode
To the beating of my agry fist.
Make there way the easy way,
but
I no more know there is a way
then I know there is a purpose.
Everything is a half shadow dripping from the elusive
And enigmatic nature of the unknown.
And you can not scream or stomp
At the silent,
Or the invisible,
You cannot pound your fist over a shadow,
You can’t bellow at the top of your lungs
Over things that reside under your own skin
And wreak havoc between the walls of your own head.

   If you have accompanied loneliness
   A little longer than bliss
   i have to remember your feeling this
   hell, you can sit here with the rest
   of us to attest
   to the greatest wall of them all,
              for a generation raised on the temptations
              of instant gratification,  
              throwing fits over adds
              aired on there favorite stations,
              we were never prepared to deal with
              overwhelming  alienation.
                        ­        I want to scream over
                                oceans of silence
                                not cheap ways to appease
                                desires  born
                                out of isolation
                                look into the pain of your eyes
                                and screech my defiance.
                                find a real friend in alliance.
                                in all the fast race days,
                                welling in pressure and change
                                          were forgetting our ways to find
                                          a person and stay.
                                          every one cries, screams and pleads
                                          every ones dieting and fighting
                                          wanting the exact same things
                                          every ones to busy walking away
                                          too look at each other
And whisper
"I want you to stay"

Today my heart bleeds in my open chest,
My head rest on a stained pillow case
And my thoughts chase their tails inside my head.
Today I spent to many hours alone,
Waiting for my mistakes to play out,
Watching the stakes grow high,
As circumstance and fate conspired
To show me exactly how alone an individual can be.
Today the breeze blew a whisper
So soft and free, I hate the things it said
About how I’m losing me.
I can’t remember where I’m going ,
I have forgotten where I’ve been.
I remember being shorter
But never feeling like a kid
Today I spent hours wishing I could
Feel like something I could recognize
Wishing I could hide inside
The dreams I used to have,
Wishing I could grasp at things
I used to understand.
Today I fell and the ground flew up
So fast to hit me hard.
Today I realized that loving myself
Just shouldn’t be so hard.
And that my broken smile has
Its own wicked cynical charm.
I’m still breathing, so why can’t I
For the life of me
Feel like I’m living.
Today is just another day
I fell through,
but whether or not I lived it,
well I couldn't really tell you.

I promised for so long to be strong enough
to face the brake,
so i could take the pain and never think
i ****** up. and i was wrong,
so i would have the nerv to hold on.
Beacuse no matter how many people say
im crazy.
no matter how many walk away.
I can not think.
I can not belive.
I can not acept that everyone
feels so **** alone.
so you can lie and test my boundry
i'll give my heart to break.
you can take my aspirations
and sink them in the lake.
You can walk right in and i'll
pull every gaurd away,
lock them in a cell and throw the key
so there the'll stay.
And you can push on all my bottons
tell you think its good and safe,
and then i'll wipe away your past
scrub away the staines.
I'll clean out all the cobwebs
in the closet.
Hold your hand while you face
every dark place created out of
loss.
I'll help you take your bagage off
tell all the trash is tossed.
than i'll let you be and set you free
and light the bridge we’ve crossed.

Do you know what kills me more than all the others that walked away?
Your gentle sway and the way the light plays in your bright eyes,
The build of your shoulders and the sound of your sighs.
It puts me to sleep ends my misery ,the way your kissing me
Breaths life back into me, is creating a heaven out of my reality
And breaking my walls down to show me my opportunities.
It moves me closer to my light erupting into flame,
When I watch the way your tender lips -caress around my name.
The feelings I get when I’m so tightly pressed
Against  every sweet smelling inch of your broad lovely chest,
How it takes away breath at the beat of your heart
And  how every “ I love you” left its own mark,
From the first time you said it, when we met at the start.
Mingling nicely with your sunrays spraying sparks,
Your presence  in all when you’re standing so tall
Is so overwhelming, that look in your eyes,
Tells stories of desires and wanting that yearns
The distance between us screams while it burns
And when you walk away, you’ll **** me for sure.

He says he says so many things, that ring and sing in my head,
She says things and she never regrets things, that means everything.
If I don’t like myself so much I just hush up and listen with a rush
And blood pushes old thoughts of friendships back to the surface,
To revisit I flourish, nourish my crushed ego back to health,
With myself image, the key to a happier self.
If I could capture how they see me and leave it live stream
While I’m dreaming I would feel worth it,
Broken, sarcastic, supportive, gorgeous and worth it.
My baggage looks like nothing to them compared to my
Kick *** advice and ability to stick around,
How funny I am when I play clown drying your tears,
And laughing at things that aren’t funny.
She thinks I’m the coolest sense sliced bread,
And he says I’m the only one he lets so far into his cryptic head.
And they all say I am the strongest girl they have ever met.

Yes, Evil still lurks
In this old and sweet world
Wearing Armani

I only glimpsed her
Beautiful, with sad blue eyes
And deeply I fell

Thought and emotion
Combined, distilled and served up
With text, neat and dry

Try to separate
The wheat from the chaff of life
But don't try too hard