yesterday i asked him for his favorite quote.
i wanted to make him something close to
his heart, something he could cherish and
love. something that he could fill up,
not only with the drink of his choice but with
his wisdom. knowing his lips will touch the rims
of my gift will be the closest i will ever get to the
full lips that brings my spirits higher than life itself.

he asked for another day to be able to think of a quote,
and i of course let him have it. after all, he has given me
all the days ahead of me. he deserved that much.
when i passed him in the hallway, he held out a paper and said,
"are you ready for it?" and i smiled, rushing down the hallway saying,
"yes yes thank you!" and i ran to the classroom to get my bag but then
i looked down to his messy handwriting that i find extremely adorable.
on the paper he wrote,"No one is born hating another person because
of the color of his skin, background, or religion. People must learn hate,
and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes
more naturally to the human heart than its opposite."

It was said by Nelson Mandela.
I smiled because I thought of how just yesterday I decided that
that same quote was my favorite as well.
I guess we do really have much in common.

I told him that I really loved this quote and I even thanked him.

How does one tell the man she loves that her human heart is feeling so much love for him?

its been a month
since a blade has touched my skin,
and as i was taking a shower,
i shaved my legs and
i accidentally nicked myself.
i watched as blood
dripped down my leg.
i looked at in awe,
i know i miss the feeling,
maybe one more scratch wouldnt hurt?
but, thats where i stopped,
i didnt try to nick my leg again,
i didnt let the thoughts get to me,
i won.

another day down,
a whole life to go.
{dear god that sounds awful, huh?}

i walked into his room
asked if he had a minute to spare
he smiled and said of course
and then suddenly,
i got really nervous.
i started giggling all weirdly and
he started chuckling and asking, "what? what? whats
up?" and i said, "i have a game tonight and i can't play in it,
you should come and watch, you know, to uhh...
support us or something." and he laughed,
asked what time the game was at and said,
"ill be able to make it!" and i smiled so wide,
and i left while saying, "see you later and thank you!"
and he slowly said, "goodbye... goodbye..." all sadly.

don't be sad, i will see you later. we can talk in the stands
and watch the game together.

mhm...
you make my widest dreams come true one day at a time sweetheart.

you always bring me up,
you make me soar.
you always throw me down,
you make me sore.
either way i put it,
it sounds the same.
but to you i'm just a girl,
i'm just another game.
you play me just like basketball,
from the left and to the right.
you think that i'll go down,
that i won't even fight.
i know i may look weak,
but i assure you i am strong.
even though i love you,
i am right and you are wrong.

you promised you were going to
come, but i guess its just my fault.
i put all my trust inside and i never
seem to be able to get out.
im tired of people letting me down,
whats it worth? nothing.
i cant trust anybody without getting
hurt and you know what?
its all my fault.

i let you little ******* in,
hoping that maybe you'll be
the change in my life.
but, only i can be that,
i'm so done trusting
anybody and everybody.

ive never been enough
even in my mind,
i fight to win the rival that
never ends.
the only things that bring me comfort
are Doctor Who and Lord of the Rings,
mhm... yes i miss you and that smile
of yours dear god, it is like heaven.
but, you see, ill never be enough
ive always known that.
neither the doctor nor the hobbit will
come to save me.

i hate being so dispensable
i feel so bad for my friends and my family,
they have to deal with me all the time
but i guess when im gone
everybody will grab a glass of wine.

cheers, shes finally dead.
(i say this all the time in my head!)

oh dear, dont be sad,
be glad,
shes dead and the
demons are gone from her
blasted head.

(can i make the same end-rhyme twice?)

What I did not know, was
what would come next in our
conversation. We usually do
not talk about deep things, but
I started running out of questions.
I know your favorite color and I
know how you met your first
husband. So, what was there left
to ask of you? Well, certainly I
would of course find a way to
ask you something.

The question I asked was simple:
What is the worst thing that has
ever happened to you?
Now, ladies and gentleman I did not
expect what came out of her mouth next
due to the fact that I asked the question
nonchalantly. But, instead she looked at me and
said, "I was *****." She then gulped and
looked me straight in the eyes and began her
story, one in which that I had to hurry and text my mother for
to tell her I'd be a few minutes late because I knew I'd
end up telling her mine. She told me about how it was in
high school and how scared she was.
About how terrible it was and that
was why she started self harm.

I shivered at the thought:
we are so alike.

Mostly in good ways, but I hate that she has been through
so much that I have. That we share that same pain.
I told her about how sorry I was and about what
happened to me. That one of my other teachers was
that only reason I was even standing here to be able to
tell this story today.

I then wished her goodnight and told her we could
talk again if she would like, because it felt nice to
talk to someone who understood and
did not look at me like I was a
mere child.

This was on the 2nd of December, and I wish I
would have been able to stay longer to say
all the things that I really wanted to say.
Maybe sometime in the future we will
talk things over, because they really do
settle my mind.