My heart is ready to be opened
like a newborn crying out
to be held for the first time
not knowing what comes next
when you let someone in

the question is ...

will it be all for you?

You stand close. Closer than your mind tells you the stand.
But here you are.
Once settled, I see the panic sweep in like a black cloud moving in. You flee the scene like you were never there.
There you go.

I see your figure coming towards me. Fast pace, head hanging low.
Here you are.
Standing in front of me, speaking words of sadness and regret until you get it all off your chest.
Then, there you go.

Despite all the harsh words spoken,
Here you are.
Back before I have time to wipe my tears away from my eyes. Why?
Is it me you miss, or the void being filled?
Before my question is answered,
There you go.

Stuck. Between a rock and a very hard place. Uncomfortable losses.
I try to free myself from the hold you have on me.
I wriggle and squirm and try to break free.
Finally, I am out. I smell the salty sea air like it's my first time breathing it in. I don't fear you leaving me, for I have already left.
I walk the park, with a stride in my step. Pride carries me along.
There I go.

And in this moment you consume me
But I'll breathe you out  
So you have no choice but to loosen your hands
around my neck

Happiness is a suit of armour that protects a solider from the gunshots and blood.

It is the sound of the enemy falling over the dead grass and laying still, eyes wide open. Gripping your own dog tag just make sure you’ll still alive.

Happiness is when the letters arrive right before a surprise attack. Holding onto the crumpled up paper, stuffed in a random pocket, hoping you will be able to write back.

It is finding a hole underneath a tree, big enough for you and your friend. And deep enough that you are buried in the earth like a worm squirming around.

Happiness is watching the sun fall every night, hands held, eyes closed and being able to say you survived another day.

I jump over the gap between the subway and yellow line
  like I step over the cracks on sidewalks that hold the past
in a crumpled up black and white paper
as suits with faces rush by with cell phones in hands
and plugs in their ears
  attempting to avoid the pity eye contact
with the needy man laying on his grey death bed
next to a baseball hat filled with worthless change
 barely enough for a coffee full of regret
  to share with the older students entering the doors of possibilities
allowing them to put one foot in front of each other  
 heads  held high

he rocks back and fourth in his chair
watching the smiles on his younger generation  run
pass the plates and   knives  on the dining room table
 waiting to be sawed   through the
bird that once had a heartbeat
like his own  that continues to pump
blood through his veins unaware of the ache his heart feels
with every beat he breathes  praying   he could only feel her  again  nothing can compare  as the scent of fresh pie waits in the air
 wondering if this is the last gift from God he will receive
as the wrapping paper covers the floor
 leaving the tree  empty underneath
the way his smile feels after a long year
he can only take so much without his bride   by his side

I search for you in the highest of mountains.
I search for you the heart of the city.
I climb to see if you are near.
I walk to see if you are here.

No home in sight, I cannot see.
Nothing to guide me on my way.
But the city lights ignite the night,
And the wildlife growl as they bite.

My feet have been walking, my eyes have been seeing.
I am tired and weak and soon to release.
I wander and wonder if ever I will find,
the place at which I will rest my mind.

But I strive and chase that everlasting light,
Never giving in to this inside fight.
And even when I am on my own,
I carry on, the long way home.

My body craves you but I don't even know you or
The softness of your lips or the firmness of your grip;
But I feel your hands around me while your tongue tastes my body

I had a feeling I was on your mind as if we were still woke up with the sun by each other's side
I had a feeling that every night I didn't hear from you was a night you wanted to send a goodnight
I had a feeling you couldn't distance yourself from me despite your greatest attempt

I had a feeling your feelings for me didn't change
I had a feeling that mine for you would

I've got a red string
It hangs down from my beating piece
Wherever I go, it goes
There is no letting it go
No end in sight
Slack to give way to the possible ways
Ready to release in any direction
It never bothered me, I didn't feel it

But then a gentle tug
Enough to look down; to question.
I go in the direction of the pull
Timid steps at first turn to big leaps
A journey done in no time at all
How the way home feels shorter
Yet the end was not a destination
But a familiar feeling that was you

I have him and he has me  It was clear from the beginning, as clear as your blue eyes and sweet smile. The way you walk, things you like, I barely know anything about you but I was am brought into questioning and daydreaming   about holding you   kissing you  feeling you   all those things I can do with him   maybe not enough?   But before I could give into that innocent look and your playful behaviour  you backed away  but temptation grew harder  perhaps your plan?   Not going to work this time    New patterns with an old boy

I see it standing there, swaying back and fourth in the blowing air
I hadn't seen something that pretty in quite some time
It isn't even the nicest flower out there,
Dirt around all the roots and some petals are falling off.
But in the field of uncut brown grass and tall dry strands
It looked **** pretty.
So I stopped and stared for a while, just watching and hoping that the pretty wouldn't go away

But it did, and yet I stayed
Still looking at what used to be the prettiest flower
It's head is hanging low, no more petals to show
They flew off in the wind some time ago,
There is no more pretty flower here, but I am still here
Wasting time on something that has moved on
And all the time that I will never get back

Behind me the flower blooms
From the petals that blew away to start again
Oblivious to other directions
Still watching the same flower willow away
And there I sit, eyes fixed on the past

First one off the couch loses   wrestle to what felt like the death   the end of the fight  but was always the beginning   dressing up  in her clothes   all a game in those innocent years    trying to be like you    always a fight between us   and them  trying to tell me to be me   who is me?   Just a part of you?  Or who they tried to craft?
We hid behind the slaps and pinches   boy those pinches still stinging on my red red skin    got a lot of anger out those years   displaced   and all in one stay
Playing with our talking dolls and stuffed animals   nothing too special but everything to us in the upstairs bedroom a safe place to get away   all the episodes we could think about   our imagination running wild   we could find the good in everything    as long as I was with you it was good
Weekends we just wanted to be home   our real home   tired   of being dragged around   rebelled so we stayed up past our bedtime    whispers mixed with giggles    lights go on   we have waken them from their perfect dream   I am sorry we disappoint
Until one day we just stopped   we stopped hitting   we stopped imagining   we stopped visiting them   goodbye bunk beds   but never stopped loving   I grew bigger   but not in the same way   never felt separate from her   always walking beside
And as the years go on and pieces of life come and go   same place   different place  
Those years never slip my mind,  she is always my safe home
I found me when I was trying to be like her

He awakes half dressed   staring at the face of a stuffed bear
dressed in deceit   as his uncharged phone holds the voice of unheard messages hidden  
like beer receipts between numbered napkins
that hold the key to getting out of the locked attic
where boxes of the truth sit covered with dust
in the wind that blows away the blonde hair from her eyes
as she leans over to plant her lips on his
  with seductive lashes and the touch of cold ice
that sends shivers down his spine  
across his full liver
as he quivers  
once more with the fear
of losing her  
forever